Lonely and at a loss

[jcma87]

I'm writing this as a vent, maybe to see if anyone else out there has been here before, to get some perspective... I don't know, I just need this out of me and down on a page.

I've been with my wife for the past almost eight years, married for just about a year and a half. My MIL is uBPD and has always been a bit on a hair trigger, but things really went off the rails during COVID. MIL got divorced from FIL early 2021. My wife, the only local child, got placed in the middle of the divorce because uBPD MIL was causing major issues with realtors, lawyers, etc. - paranoid, erratic, unable to preform basic tasks- that were getting to the point the various professionals wanted to fire her as a client. She wound up staying at MIL's house for a bit to get things settled and handle business. This was during our engagement, what was supposed to be a happy time was basically managing MIL crises and being left holding the bag for FIL, BIL, and MIL's sisters who couldn't seem to lift a finger to help but sure did have a lot of questions about how things were going.

After the divorce things seemed to settle down for about a year, during which we got married, etc. Then about a year ago- day after my birthday to be exact- MIL was rushed to the hospital for the first of a series of suicide attempts. Once again, wife being the only local family got left holding the bag and had to handle everything on her own. She briefly moved into MIL's house over what should have been our first Thanksgiving to be on 24/7 suicide watch and caretaking duty. I was kept a bit at arm's length during all of this despite offers to help as wife didn't want me getting involved/absorbed.

After suicide attempt #2 around Christmas, MIL went back inpatient psych for a bit and we had a discussion about how to handle her after she got out- I was sick of my wife getting absorbed by MIL, unable to live her own life and becoming a shell of a person. So it was decided that upon release MIL would stay with us while completing intensive outpatient therapy, after which we would get her into an assisted living facility since she was unable or unwilling to take care of herself. That lasted from New Years to mid-February, at which point passive suicide attempt #1 occurred. She was refusing to eat, I had to fight with her like a toddler to get her to eat anything, she was weighing herself daily in secret. This resulted in her passing out dramatically on our floor the one day my wife had scheduled to be out with her friends in months. So we called EMS and off she went back to inpatient. She was supposed to be released directly to an assisted living facility but they balked day-of her release, so back to our house MIL went for a couple more weeks while we found a facility willing to accept her. All the while, same behaviors and little to no support from any extended family.

We just got done with passive suicide attempt #2 (at the facility this time, no eating, throwing herself on the floor to try and break something, and so on) and the latest hospitalization where they finally did ECT to break her out of the MDD with psychosis spiral she was in. BIL finally got involved to help with financial stuff during this time, selling her house and investment property, etc. Funny how people get involved when it's money. She's significantly improved to the point where she could be transferred to another facility and likely could even live independently here, but is refusing to do any therapy and just wants pills and ECT to fix things. She's also enraged at the financial decisions made on her behalf (BIL has power of attorney now, signed over by her) even though she asked my wife and BIL to sell everything. The house sells next week and she is 11th hour trying to fight it, to the point where BIL is finally flying up this weekend to help settle things down.

This is the short version of the story. I just needed to tell it. I feel so alone. This whole time I've been trying to be supportive, trying to be helpful. Doing things like trying to research problems, I handled the original intake to assisted living because my wife had to work and no one was available, taking MIL in so my wife could have some load distributed. Sometimes it's worked and other times I've been pushed away or advice/offers ignored. I get it, not my responsibility and not my mother, but these things impact my wife which in turn impacts me. I miss my wife. She's here in the house but she's not here anymore it feels like, always being shoved into fixing some problem or resolving some crisis. I've been encouraging boundaries, as has her therapist, but I'm sure ass all of you know this is easier said than done. Things almost a year on into this string of suicide attempts and hospitalizations seem worse now than when they started since MIL has gone from being relatively compliant with decisions to being combative and angry at my wife for all of the work she's done keeping MIL alive.

I'm so sad, and feel so alone, and feel like I have no one to vent to. I'm so burnt out on everything in my life, having to carry on with work and everything else while witnessing my wife be destroyed by my MIL. I'm at a loss and I just want all of this to end but there's no end in sight. I want to have kids, I want to have an anniversary party, I want to celebrate things, but it feels like all of that is out of grasp or out of mind. I'm so very tired.

[Srcyu]

I'm so sorry that MIL is ruining your life - time and again.
She sounds childish and selfish. It was extremely generous of you to allow her to stay in your house.
You are trying so hard to support and assist your new wife without really getting any support back and now you miss her. Your new married life has not really begun thanks to MIL.

Yes it is typical that some relatives take no interest until money is the issue.

Your wife is completely bound up with her mother. Why, I wonder?  I was never close to my own birth-giver so it's alien territory to me. I do recall however, on the few times I did try to help that I was looking for approval, gratitude and acceptance. It was also a rite of passage - daughter assisting the mother.
It seems, currently, that the mother/daughter relationship matters so much to your wife that she can't see anything else. She has not been able to move onto the role of wife, her mother is holding back.

Your wife is lucky that you are being so supportive.

[Leonor]

Hello jcma,

So many of us have walked down that road of loneliness and exhaustion.

Make no mistake: your MIL's series of escalating crises are totally in response to her "local daughter"'s decision to get married. She is literally pushing you out of your own home and marriage by playing on her daughter's fear and counting on your own passivity, while endangering everyone around her.

This insanity must stop. You will wind up exhausted and your marriage will wither into a thorn patch of resentment.

Dear jcma, you are the one person who has 360 degree vision right now. Your wife needs you. It's time for you to step into the role of man of the family and husband to your wife.

Your MIL cannot continue to live with you for one more day. Period. Either she goes to assisted living or she is institutionalized. But she must get out of your home, and you and your wife must get back and settle in.

Even though what your mil is doing is blatantly and sickeningly manipulative ("passive" suicide?), you don't have the proper resources to handle it. You can't handle a medical emergency. You cannot monitor her meds and meals. It is irresponsible of the two of you to assume you are even remotely equipped to care for your mil.

You will have to fight tooth and nail for this marriage. Your mil will certainly escalate her histrionics. You, ironically, will be the "homewrecker" for your siblings in law. Hospitals and AL facilities will push you to take on elder care. And your wife will respond in her trauma: you are making her choose, you're not understanding, you're not supporting her, it's just for a brief time, it's her mother you want her to abandon...

Don't fall for it! You're fighting for your life, the life you vowed to build and nurtured with the woman you love! You both deserve happiness, and she picked you because she knew, deep down, that her family was dysfunctional and she didn't know how to get out from under them. She needs you to lead.

I've been first in the role of your wife and then in your own, and it is not easy. You will find yourselves at times pitted against one another. You will wonder if it's all been a mistake. That's the trauma talking. You stick with it, both to your principles and to your wife, and your own right to have your home and your family and your future.

Tomorrow, make arrangements for mil to leave asap.

[jcma87]

I guess to  clarify- she is no longer living in our house. She has been in a residential care facility for about six months, and recently returned there after an inpatient psychiatry stay. So that at least isn't a factor anymore.

[treesgrowslowly]

Dear jcma,

I am truly sorry you are dealing with this. Your MIL likely has a serious, lifelong condition that will very likely continue into the future. You are doing the right thing by seeking support for what you've been through.

Is your wife in therapy / getting therapeutic support? If not, might I ask why?

Trees

[Leonor]

Hi jcma,

I so do empathize with you!

I now understand that your mil is in assisted living, and I'm sorry for my misunderstanding.

But it certainly does seem like she's metaphorically and, more important, emotionally and psychologically, living between you and your wife. I can practically see her edging in between the two of you with both elbows.

Perhaps what your mil wants and your wife feels must be "right" in terms of your support is actually enabling bad and dysfunctional behavior.

What real support, real love looks like is telling your wife the truth. You love her, you want to support her, you're sorry her mother is how she is, but your marriage is suffering and you're in pain.

What if you asked her to read the post that you've written here (or some version that would make you more comfortable without silencing your fear, hurt, and sadness?)

Your life, your love, your commitment, and your time is worth just as much as anyone else's on this planet, and within your marriage, you and your wife have vowed to come first for each other All The Time. That's what the vows mean
They mean that even when it's hard, even when there's other stuff, or other people, or other events, you two come first. They mean that even when you don't much feel like fighting for yourself, or fighting for her (and there will be those times too!), you promise to fight for your marriage.

[olivegirl]

   Your response really resonated with me Leonor!

[notrightinthehead]

Jcmr, Welcome! I am sorry you have such a difficult situation. From what you describe, your wife is totally enmeshed with her extremely demanding and difficult mother. This started when your MIL was divorced from her your FIL.  She leaned on her daughter and began to control her life with her demands on time, attention, energy. Your wife has put her own life on hold to enable your MIL. This is your wife"s choice. Your wife is an adult. And no matter how damaging this kind of behaviour is for your wife and your marriage, she chooses to enable her mother. She chooses to not involve you.  It is only right that you respect your wife"s choices. You have the choice to leave the situation or deal with it any way that you decide to, but you cannot control your wife"s choices and behaviour. You. Can control your response to your wife's behaviour, though.
It seems at the moment you are a little bit helpless, running behind your wife, offering help, not quite sure what to do, while your wife is on the rollercoaster ride of drama, your MIL offers. Maybe you are tired of this role. Maybe you want to look at the wreckage your life has become and consider what kind of life you want for yourself. Because it seems that your wife no longer is in this marriage. She is trying to do a job, she is not equipped for. The temper tantrums of an adult woman cannot be solved by her alone. So look at your own life and find activities and people who you enjoy. Where you can feel "normal".  Find your way out of this maze into the light, maybe you can role model for your wife how it is done. Do one normal thing each day, sports, coffee with a colleague, a brief chat with a neighbour, reading, gardening, whatever you enjoy.
And be honest with your wife. Tell her how you feel, how sad you are to watch her slipping away, to ruin her own life for her mother, what you want from her. Do it kindly and respectfully. Check out the Toolbox for suitable strategies. You will need support to get through this, no matter how your wife decides. She has probably been programmed to be an enabler of her mother since birth, but only she herself can get herself out of this co-dependency. You cannot force her.  You can only change your own response to your wife's co-dependent role with her mother. So be as healthy as you can be, be there for your wife as someone normal, healthy, strong and let her decide if she wants off that roller coaster. And keep us posted on. Your progress out of this enmeshment.

[bee well]

Hi jcma87,

I'm very sorry to hear you are dealing with this tragic situation.

I don't know your wife but I'd wager this started a long long time ago. It sounds like she is so caught up in her M's pain (and likely a lot of guilt and what-ifs) that she is not seeing what is happening to the two of you and her marriage. As many of us here know, in situations like this we risk everything, even risk abandoning ourselves to fix a problem we are not qualified to fix. (and even if we were, it's not our job to fix) In some cases the more we try to help the worse things get- for all involved.

I think what Leonor wrote is very relevant:

"What real support, real love looks like is telling your wife the truth. You love her, you want to support her, you're sorry her mother is how she is, but your marriage is suffering and you're in pain.

What if you asked her to read the post that you've written here (or some version that would make you more comfortable without silencing your fear, hurt, and sadness?)

Your life, your love, your commitment, and your time is worth just as much as anyone else's on this planet, and within your marriage, you and your wife have vowed to come first for each other All The Time. That's what the vows mean
They mean that even when it's hard, even when there's other stuff, or other people, or other events, you two come first. They mean that even when you don't much feel like fighting for yourself, or fighting for her (and there will be those times too!), you promise to fight for your marriage."


I don't have any advice to offer except to repeat: take care of yourself and your wife.