Using the system to continue the abuse

[SonofThunder]

I have decided to just accept the situation and practice radical acceptance. Whatever happens, will happen, and I need to just move on with my life whatever happens with the divorce. I can't wait for something to finalise as it could take years, I need to live my life right now and not in a few years time in a what if state.

Thanks for all your support.

Em, what will be the next new step taken to "move on with my life"? 

I want to encourage you to have a mix of very small, moderate and large size goals; short, medium and long range goals.  Those small, short range goals will help keep you motivated for the medium and long range.

Here is something you can start today, as a symbol of your "moving on".  Not just for you but also for everyone who knows you, including stbx and gc.  I have done this and enjoy it immensely.  I had short hair 6 months ago and a stubble beard.  I now have medium length hair and a moderate beard.  Im letting both continue to grow out, but am very well groomed.  I am dressing fashionable every day of the week and some fashion changes are very different than when married.  Im wearing different colognes than before. 

Imo, doing this is strengthening to ourselves and makes a very positively 'independent' silent and strong statement to everyone else.  Its a boost to our self confidence and you will quickly realize that your stbx is not there to criticize.  Enjoy that freedom!  Express your individuality!   

Maybe DD can do this also with you, and for herself.  A dynamic duo of "moving on"! 

SoT

[losingmyself]

 
What a great bit of advice, SOT!
EM, you and DD could have a shopping day. I bet it would be a blast!

[SonofThunder]

EM, you and DD could have a shopping day. I bet it would be a blast!

+1

Imo, doing these things daily is, as EM said, "radical acceptance" and is truly a proactive way for us who are divorced/divorcing a spouse or gone/going NC with a PD family member(s) to counteract the attempts of our PD's "Using the system to continue the abuse" (thread title). 

The PD people will know their system-abuse arrows have reached the intended target by our actions & reactions. If we can mentally accept that abuse arrows are surely flying in our direction and yet "move on", the feedback to the abuser will be a missed target.  In addition, we get all the benefit of the small, medium and large goals and can find joy in newness along the journey. 

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, thanks for the advice. I was already on to something like this but you put me straight on to it!

I am going to a daily task, every day I am going to go through one drawer, cupboard, box something and sort everything out. It will either be my stuff, STBX stuff, joint (to be negotiated later), the children's or for the dump. Anything that is STBX will be put in a box and either stored for her to receive later or delivered to her current location. I am also going to go through all mutual accounts and subscriptions and make sure it's all in order and that I am in charge of everything that relates to me. STBX still has logins to some streaming services, I will let her have that and let her think she is getting something I am not aware of (that give her some supply that does not hurt me).

Medium term I am going to change routines and become more healthy and losing some weight. I am like you growing a beard, I never had one, STBX hated it every time I got a few days of stubble so I will try a proper beard. It's messy right now as I got the advice to let it grow wild for 4 months before going to a barber to have it cut to shape.

Long term will be buying a house and setup a new life, I can only plan for what I like it to be as this cannot be done until an agreement with STBX has been reached or the court is ordering what will happen.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, thanks for the advice. I was already on to something like this but you put me straight on to it!

I am going to a daily task, every day I am going to go through one drawer, cupboard, box something and sort everything out. It will either be my stuff, STBX stuff, joint (to be negotiated later), the children's or for the dump. Anything that is STBX will be put in a box and either stored for her to receive later or delivered to her current location. I am also going to go through all mutual accounts and subscriptions and make sure it's all in order and that I am in charge of everything that relates to me. STBX still has logins to some streaming services, I will let her have that and let her think she is getting something I am not aware of (that give her some supply that does not hurt me).

Medium term I am going to change routines and become more healthy and losing some weight. I am like you growing a beard, I never had one, STBX hated it every time I got a few days of stubble so I will try a proper beard. It's messy right now as I got the advice to let it grow wild for 4 months before going to a barber to have it cut to shape.

Long term will be buying a house and setup a new life, I can only plan for what I like it to be as this cannot be done until an agreement with STBX has been reached or the court is ordering what will happen.

  I LOVE this EM!   Perfect! 

You and I are growing a beard together 👍.  Maybe other guys here will join in and we can support each other!  It will be the Out of the FOG mens club!  (If more men join us, then we may need to create/vote on an Out of the FOG beard-club acronym & slogan) 🤣. Haha no matter how hard our stbx's would enjoy a one-up, they cant grow one!!  Lets enjoy our manliness! 

Ive already been to the 4 month mark and imo, you can shape it yourself at that length with a proper beard trimmer and a handheld second mirror. But if you want the therapy of a beard trim, hot towel and straight-razor shave for precision lines, then fantastic!  I use the Brio Beardscape trimmer myself and its wonderful. Maybe find yourself a beard related YouTube channel for bearded encouragement. 👍

Also, when it goes through the itchy period, press on!!  Dont give up!!....fight through that battle like you are fighting the long truth war!  When it feels itchy, think of your stbx hating on your stubble and say no to that abusive _itch!!

I look forward to hearing about your beard journey.  If you haven't been wearing a watch, I recommend that you begin wearing a watch again.  Its another classy gentleman move. 

Your bearded comrade,

SoT

🤔 Acronym Suggestion #1:  Out of the FOG's BCC (Bearded Comrades Club)

[escapingman]

I have actually already been growing it for almost 2 months so starting to look quite full now, I never went past the 2 week mark before. Let's have other men in her join our club!

I started the process, I have lifted out all the "hoarding" boxes STBX has kept in my office. I can now sort it from another room and my stuff comes back in to the office, hers goes somewhere else and kids/joint I don't know yet. It feels liberating just starting, I opened the first box and on top was her last Christmas card with a love message - first I got a quick response in my stomach about missing her but that went almost immediately as I just needed to know that was only words and not her actions. The declutter and sorting out might take months, but if I can just do something everyday it will get in the right direction and in the end all will be sorted. I have lots of junk as well as I have not been on top of things the last 6 months and just piled thrown it around, but now I am ready to move on.

Also managed to change that dreaded back to back activity DD and GC have, I would love to see their faces when we are not there as they got used to.

EM, you got this!

[SonofThunder]

I have actually already been growing it for almost 2 months so starting to look quite full now, I never went past the 2 week mark before. Let's have other men in her join our club!

I started the process, I have lifted out all the "hoarding" boxes STBX has kept in my office. I can now sort it from another room and my stuff comes back in to the office, hers goes somewhere else and kids/joint I don't know yet. It feels liberating just starting, I opened the first box and on top was her last Christmas card with a love message - first I got a quick response in my stomach about missing her but that went almost immediately as I just needed to know that was only words and not her actions. The declutter and sorting out might take months, but if I can just do something everyday it will get in the right direction and in the end all will be sorted. I have lots of junk as well as I have not been on top of things the last 6 months and just piled thrown it around, but now I am ready to move on.

Also managed to change that dreaded back to back activity DD and GC have, I would love to see their faces when we are not there as they got used to.

EM, you got this!

  Im cheering you on brother!

SoT

[escapingman]

Beard for freedom movement?

user, stick with it. Mine looked bad until about a month in, give it time and it will cover any "bald" patches.

I love this forum, this has been my savour since I found it - I really don't think I could have done this journey with all of you!

[Associate of Daniel]

Hey, can I join the Out of the FOG beard movement?  I'm a perimenopausal woman...strange things are a happening on my face!

And the decluttering...I must get back on to it.  I have done some major decluttering over the last few years and it is so freeing.  It leads into decluttering other areas of your life.  In my case, a rearrangement of my work set up, which has allowed a lot more down time after work at home.  And it's allowed a shift in mentality regarding whether I say yes or no to peoples' requests for my time.  I'm learning to say "no" a lot more often.

It actually brings a greater self confidence as well.

Enjoy the process folks.  And good luck with the beards!

AOD

[escapingman]

Of course you can join AOD, anyone is welcome and you can always purchase a fake beard to put on!

But seriously AOD, the decluttering is just so liberating. Just me moving out 10 boxes of junk from MY office into the kitchen made me feel so good. I have no idea how STBX actually managed to use my room as her storage container.

[square]

I know a young man whose mother has felt free to take all space in the house as hers, including her four children's closets and room space. The young man has a twin bed and storage boxes for his clothes and things under the bed. He and a sibling have a normal bedroom with an added wall to divide it, so it's tiny. And yet his mother feels free to store clothes and crap in there, despite having a large master bedroom walk in closet of her own (filled). Eye. Roll.

[SonofThunder]

I'll be growing a beard with you guys in spirit. I've never been able to grow a good one, so I don't bother trying. I did once and it looked awful (this is my own opinion, not uPDw's). But I often wish I could...so if you can, DO IT!

+ 1 to EM's cheering you on!   I agree with EM that most starting beards look thin and patchy for just a couple months except those with incredibly dense coverage and personally Im glad im not in that group. 

My facial hair is not dense, and when it started to lay over (about about 1" + length), the overlapping hairs started to make my beard look full. Also, at the 4 month mark i had a lot of follicles growing where there were none before.  So joining in for real may be your ticket to more hair follicles to work with!

Growing a beard together against PD manipulation is supporting each other in our own 'system' to counteract abuse.  Grow. That. Beard!! 

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Beard for freedom movement?

user, stick with it. Mine looked bad until about a month in, give it time and it will cover any "bald" patches.

I love this forum, this has been my savour since I found it - I really don't think I could have done this journey with all of you!

I like it EM!  We are all 'BFF's' against abuse (haha 🤣).

AoD and other ladies, if you can grow a beard or stache, please join the fun!!  Its all in support of a worthy cause and all of us here are on the same 'cause' trail.

Beards-For-Freedom members unite!!!   

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Of course you can join AOD, anyone is welcome and you can always purchase a fake beard to put on!

But seriously AOD, the decluttering is just so liberating. Just me moving out 10 boxes of junk from MY office into the kitchen made me feel so good. I have no idea how STBX actually managed to use my room as her storage container.

[WhiteWolf]

I have to say this beard thread is giving me life.  IMO (as a woman) beards are really much better looking. But it must be a breaking free thing, letting hair grow, as I've not felt the pressure to shave if I don't want to.  And it's great!