Using the system to continue the abuse

[escapingman]

I am having a bad day today, really bad. STBX is continuing blatantly using the system to abuse me, and all the professionals just let her get on with it. How anyone can be so entitled is beyond me, and especially as she has been exposed for the abuse. I had some not unexpected demands through from her legal team today, I just can't for my life understand how her team can even put their name to the proposals. If she were to get her way I am financially killed, this is putting so much extra stress on all this. At the same time both STBXC and MIL are crying to the the social worker about how hard done they are trying to get access to DD. GC is doing the flying monkey for them and keep being super nice to DD to try to get DD over in their team. I am trying to stay calm, breathe and slow down, but the anger is just boiling under the surface. I know I need to keep it under control but I need to scream at someone soon.

To use the word Andrew (narcsdaily uses): The narcissists takes, then they take some more, and some more, until there is nothing left and guess what they do then...... they take some more.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I wish I had something eloquent to say.

Sending you strength......

[hhaw]

I think one of the things making this more difficult is your inability to let go of the need to understand your stbx's entitled, disordered and predatory nature.

If you accept that's her true nature, maybe you won't get knocked off center so badly again and again.

If you accept you have to play by her rules, without hesitation or mercy for stbx, you might shorten the timeline on the legals.

Maybe.

In the meantime, stop fretting over silly proposals the stbx forces her attorney to send over.  I doubt stbx would accept it IF YOU AGREED.

You're likely going to trial bc stbx doesn't want to divorce, much less settle.

Settlement discussions are an expensive taxing ploy, ime.  Don't give it much thought and when you do....you know what to do.

Splitting assets isn't up to the stbx OR her attorneys.  There are rules and percentages in place and they have to follow them, same as you.

[Srcyu]

'Scream at someone soon.' Who could that someone be?
I think we all need that 'someone' at times in our lives.

The buildup of stress for you is off the scale. I hope writing about it here has helped a little.

Getting back to the screaming - for me it would be towards someone who deserves it. Right now my neighbour deserves it for damaging my property and failing to get it fixed. So we paid for it and then heavy rain last night damaged it a bit ...... oh, yes he deserves the hair dryer treatment as we call it round here.

Let that pent up anger out at the first opportunity towards a suitable recipient is my advice.

[escapingman]

I think one of the things making this more difficult is your inability to let go of the need to understand your stbx's entitled, disordered and predatory nature.

If you accept that's her true nature, maybe you won't get knocked off center so badly again and again.

If you accept you have to play by her rules, without hesitation or mercy for stbx, you might shorten the timeline on the legals.

Maybe.

In the meantime, stop fretting over silly proposals the stbx forces her attorney to send over.  I doubt stbx would accept it IF YOU AGREED.

You're likely going to trial bc stbx doesn't want to divorce, much less settle.

Settlement discussions are an expensive taxing ploy, ime.  Don't give it much thought and when you do....you know what to do.

Splitting assets isn't up to the stbx OR her attorneys.  There are rules and percentages in place and they have to follow them, same as you.

hhaw, the problem is that I see this. I know she is disordered, entitled and just want to delay and fight. It doesn't stop the frustration though, I want to scream, but I now it doesn't help one bit to scream at her, because she is disordered. It makes things hard and stressful though, and expensive. Her lawyer has zero integrity and must only be interested in billing her for every hour, what she has suggested is daylight robbery and no one serious can consider it a genuine deal. To put it into context, if she got her way I won't afford food on the table for me and DD.

[SonofThunder]

I think one of the things making this more difficult is your inability to let go of the need to understand your stbx's entitled, disordered and predatory nature

......

Splitting assets isn't up to the stbx OR her attorneys.  There are rules and percentages in place and they have to follow them, same as you.

....no one serious can consider it a genuine deal. To put it into context, if she got her way I won't afford food on the table for me and DD.

EM, im sorry you are being further abused,

HHaw wrote:  "Splitting assets isn't up to the stbx OR her attorneys.  There are rules and percentages in place and they have to follow them, same as you."

I agree with this.  It is also my experience as this process moves forward.  If I hire a painting contractor to paint my house in rainbow colors, my house will be rainbow colors.  The painter may hate the colors, but they are not in the color-liking business, they are in the painting business.  Ultimately, the homeowners association is going to determine whether my rainbow house is within the contractual guidelines and if not, my house will be painted again...at my expense.

Lawyers are contractors also, working for the person (PD or no PD) that hired them. Ultimately, as hhaw stated, the rules and percentages are already in place, so if the offers/counter-offers needs repainting, in order to comply with laws, then the contracted lawyer is going to get paid to 'repaint' the offer... over and over again. 

Therefore, imo, the fact to consider is not that your stbx will get her potentially unlawful offer, but in her predatory PD nature (what hhaw wrote), how long you will continue to volley offers and counteroffers back and forth. Each time you and she volley, your house gets repainted and the painter is getting rich.  I have painted the house a color that satisfied the associations rules the first time, and I'm not volleying again. 

What is the price of peace EM?

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, an amazing piece of writing again.

I get what you are saying, the problem is I am getting stressed out and if she will get what she asks for when it goes to court I will struggle. As she is a master manipulator I have no doubt she could dupe the wrong judge. But I have spoken to my lawyer and I am going to offer her more than I would like to on the basis of trying to get rid of the problem and get my peace. If she doesn't agree she will have to apply to court, which is not guaranteeing her to get what she want or even what I am offering now, it will cost thousands and most likely leave her (and me) in a worse financial situation. But as you know, the predatory instinct of an entitled person like her will likely take over and instead of a quick agreement  that would benefit both of us she would chose the court option that likely take years (because she would never settle).

I am reasonable calm about it today, but when I read the document including all her lies and entitlement I got very frustrated and angry. The anger I quickly managed to get rid of but the frustration of dealing with someone living in a different universe is hard.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, an amazing piece of writing again.

I get what you are saying, the problem is I am getting stressed out and if she will get what she asks for when it goes to court I will struggle. As she is a master manipulator I have no doubt she could dupe the wrong judge. But I have spoken to my lawyer and I am going to offer her more than I would like to on the basis of trying to get rid of the problem and get my peace. If she doesn't agree she will have to apply to court, which is not guaranteeing her to get what she want or even what I am offering now, it will cost thousands and most likely leave her (and me) in a worse financial situation. But as you know, the predatory instinct of an entitled person like her will likely take over and instead of a quick agreement  that would benefit both of us she would chose the court option that likely take years (because she would never settle).

I am reasonable calm about it today, but when I read the document including all her lies and entitlement I got very frustrated and angry. The anger I quickly managed to get rid of but the frustration of dealing with someone living in a different universe is hard.

Yes, agree that the frustration is very difficult to endure.  The courts will follow the laws of your governing area and your particular case, as laws apply.  I understand the laws of my area and the particulars of my case, therefore my out-of-court offer will be exactly the same distribution decision the courts will make, if settled in court vs out of court. 

Therefore if my stbx wants to go to court, its simply going to be the same outcome for me, minus extra legal fees to have the court come to the same conclusion. Again, the painters will paint your house as many times as needed to finally comply with the neighborhood rules...they are painters.

I also financially plan for myself based on the law. Being that my original offer, or a courts decision will be the same, I will not be financially surprised at the outcome, but can now advance-plan using that info.  For me, its the cost of peace.  If court occurs, it will be easily understood by the court that I was fully legally-fair and equitable in my original offer.  I cannot speak for what the court would understand/decide about my stbx potentially trying to use the court system for personal gain outside the scope of the law.

Hoping to settle out of court and achieve peace in a timely manner,

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT snd BW.

The thing is that it isn't out of my control, I have found the laws here being very much up for interpretation and my lawyer told me if I had 5 different judges they would rule different all of them. It is about who present the best case and then hope for the best. Yesterday when I got the document my guard was down after having had an amazing peaceful vacation with DD, I am back on track now though.

I am not having a therapist at the moment, but I do tons of self help. I am not really reacting to her but yesterday was an exception. The situation is very complex and she is trying to con everyone that I am earning double the money I am and therefore should give her a big bunch of that. The problem is that if she succeds I can't afford anywhere to live and pay the bills. That is a frightening thing for me and a worry, although I now I should not worry.

[escapingman]

It's really difficult when people don't get it. SW tells me all is different now and all relationships will need to be given a new start, telling me DD and MIL and SIL will have to adapt. NOTHING has changed in their minds, the only difference is that we are physically separated from them. SW even suggested to DD that she should meet STBX, GC, MIL and SIL all together with no other supervision. DD almost exploded in anger with SW yelling her they would be 4 against 1. SW then said it's DDs family too so there will be no sides. RIGHT. That is the level of not getting it we are up against. I spoke at length with SW and even though I have all the evidence if abuse, parental alienation and manipulations etc she says GC can decide what she wants. How can an emotionally abused and manipulated child know what they want?

[SonofThunder]

It's really difficult when people don't get it. SW tells me all is different now and all relationships will need to be given a new start, telling me DD and MIL and SIL will have to adapt. NOTHING has changed in their minds, the only difference is that we are physically separated from them. SW even suggested to DD that she should meet STBX, GC, MIL and SIL all together with no other supervision. DD almost exploded in anger with SW yelling her they would be 4 against 1. SW then said it's DDs family too so there will be no sides. RIGHT. That is the level of not getting it we are up against. I spoke at length with SW and even though I have all the evidence if abuse, parental alienation and manipulations etc she says GC can decide what she wants. How can an emotionally abused and manipulated child know what they want?

Im sorry this is difficult EM.  Time has a way of doing its thing as well in the truth war.  I will still suggest that the calmest adult in the room over time, will have the advantage.   

You wrote:

" SW even suggested to DD that she should meet STBX, GC, MIL and SIL all together with no other supervision.

" ...she says GC can decide what she wants"

Do DD and GC have the same rights, per the SW?  If so, then DD can decide for herself? If not, what is the legal basis for GC having different rights than DD? 

SoT

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry this is happening, EM.

Your DD does not deserve to be placed in a dangerous emotional and physical situation and you're right.... she's basically on her own with advocating for herself at this time.  I don't think the SW is responsible for that, unfortunately.

Sad, but the systems basically dismiss prior bad behaviors bc it's considered "forgiven" if we don't press charges or file divorce at that time or file for protections, IME.   Sometimes we TRY to file and the court officers find reasons for failing to allow us to file for protections...like "too close to Christmas," which was devastating to me in a long line of devastating decisions pressed on me by people who should know better, along with my own devastating choices.  The court officers are simply not trained to understand DV..... people who SHOULD be trained and held accountable, aren't.  SO crazy,but there it is.

It shouldn't BE that way, but I made peace with it and learned how to operate within the system...... even if it takes me a short span of feeling a certain way about it...... I know it is what it is, nothing personal, and I have to get back to what I CAN DO and stop thinking about what SHOULD be different about the situation.



That's what you're doing now, bc you didn't hold the PD accountable to the fullest extent of the law when you stopped putting up with the abuse.  It works the same way with infidelity here..... once a spouse takes the cheater back, they're considered a part of the cheating behavior and can't bring it back up in future legal matters. 

Your system is the same as ours.... the laws are clear and simple,but are fouled up when attorneys "interpret" them for the Courts.  Therefore, you have to fight back ignorance and stupidity at every turn,bc that's the way legals go.  You have to spend everything you have, perhaps into debt, and that's the way the lawyers set it up.  That's where you are and it's not going to change no matter how much you writhe and suffer and neeeeed it to be different......it's just not.   Hiring and utilizing high end attorneys and advocates, Ts and private detectives from the very start would have helped me,but didn't bc I didn't seek them out or even know how, to be truthful. 

You can't go back.  What can you do? 

Support DD the best you can...... I continue suggesting a T for DD who can advocate FOR her and with her and you.....it was SO helpful in our cases.  Yes, it's another thing you have to manage, stay on top of, get back in line and stop from becoming a detriment,but it's always worked FOR us, in the end.

You're creating a paper trail that can't be denied by ANY Judge.  That's the game now.

One of the most difficult things about this part of the game is being forced to allow harm to our children in order to PROVE HARM so it can be stopped. 

Been there, still let regret and imperfect action seep in, to send me reeling with despair,but it's temporary.   Always temporary and getting less urgent as time passes.

I've shared my regrets and lessons with you in hopes you could avoid some of them.

Turns out learning the hard way is likely the ONLY way certain of us can learn them..... certainly, that was my way and I see now I would never have learned them any other way.... I think.

My point is, you're learning and growing and standing up for yourself and your DDs NOW.  You're finding clarity and the causes and conditions of your situation.....the root causes and facing them.  Now.  That wouldn't have happened if your stbx hadn't driven you there with an emotional blowtorch, IME.

Had your wife behaved JUST A LITTLE, you wouldn't be here, now.  I know how badly you needed stbx to soften and stop doing trauma to you.... or at least to the girls, but that's the stbx's state. It's what SHE IS,not something she chooses and you'll never change her.

Your life, now, is mitigating harm and there won't be ANY good choices around stbx....not for many many years, IME.  Accepting that, without dwelling or needing it to be different, might help you find more peace.

The only good decisions will be the ones you make around your present moments and how you walk through them, overcome them, avoid the negative and toxic while learning to embrace the good and joyful whenever you can.....
THAT is all you CAN DO.  Consistently.  For you and your children. 

THAT is worth modeling for your girls, in every moment, bc the window to teach them, as children, is closing, but still open to you.  A blessing..... focus on the blessings, EM.

Embrace the new habits and let the negative slide away..... put them down and turn toward what's here, now.

Keep your head where your feet are through acceptance and releasing outcome...... being so very kind to yourself and showing your girls how to DO THAT.  Doing so will have the added benefit of annoculating you against future PD betrayal AND also your children, IME.  It's a huge benefit to your quality of life and expanding your windows of resilience, IME. 

The system isn't perfect, Lord knows..... some have access to more justice than others.  I invite you to count your blessings.... you can afford good counsel, you have a roof, you aren't living in fear of your life and you can create sacred safe space, even though your stbx's hoard is pressing in all'round you, physically......you have access to nutritional food..... physical release in excercise......
how can you impact every you encounter positively?

It's all about escaping the powerlessness you've felt.....
and embracing what you CAN DO, EM.
Over and over, rinse and repeat......DO WHAT YOU CAN, THEN PUT THE STORY ON THE SHELF AND TURN TOWARDS YOUR JOY.

Again and again......
that. 
Sitting in gentle awareness, without judgment.....holding yourself in compassion...... with curiosity...... it's a new way of BEING in the world and it will help restore you to original factory settings, EM. 

Honestly, I think how WE interpret our situations impacts how court officers interpret the situation, as well.  If we allowed the abuse, made excuses and failed to stop it..... Court officers are used to seeing victims drop charges, fail to follow through and waste the court's time....... so that ONE little thing sometimes sets the tone for an entire legal process.  It's how we sabotage ourselves up front. 

The appearance of not knowing our own intention...... can devastate our position, IME. Wishy washy sets a tone and then we're in a hole and in a hole is a terrible place to fight from, but fight we must when we have children, IME. 

Particularly daunting IF we're paying our attorneys to facilitate to help us make poor choices.... attorneys like to settle and come to the middle,but that 's devastating when DV is a factor, IME.  That's what happened to you when you signed the mutual Protective Order, IME.  You agreed with the stbx.... she needed a protective order as much as you did, bc you're both dangerous and unstable and that will be all the court sees, bc it doesn't read past the first paragraph, often not even the entire paragraph, IME.   Now you're fighting your way back. 

So being pristine in your words and intentions..... YOUR ACTIONS, particulaly, is imperative at every turn.  Looking down the road....doing EVERYTHing YOU CAN......
imperative, EM.

I'll gently suggest a good trauma informed T for you AND for DD, bc what's in place tends to stay in place when the Judge rules IME. 

An abused child IN THERAPY, requiring therapy due to trauma inflicted by a perpetrator/PD mum is powerful evidence when included with the evidence you have.  Not getting a traumatized child that help is another mistake co dependent people make, I'm not sure why,but that's a theme, IME.   The STBX won't take GC to a trauma informed T for treatment,bc you didn't abuse GC AND bc exposure for the stbx is increased every time someone is involved to scrutinize her and your behaviors...... stbx has exposure you don't have. STBX won't seek that out, bc she's hiding and lying and manipulating. 

Waiting till our backs are agaist the wall seems to be a theme and these are lessons that either force us OFF the wall or keep us pinned there......and you decide for yourself.  Changing your brain's reactivity into responses and choice is SO SO difficult while living under siege,but truthfully.... would we have changed  at all if not pushed to the wall?

You're in the abyss..... back against the wall......the place where your discomfort is so intense you're moved to find new ways of releiving the pressure (long term) rather than reacting in old ways bringing short term relief ONLY.

And these are the lessons, IME. Learning to sit with the discomfort long enough to restore calm and SEE with clarity, rather than react without consideration for how those habits got us where we are.

Cultivating new habits is just as difficult as living under siege and creates more discomfort, on top of the discomfort we're already under and so.... it's a true test of how badly we want to move ourselves into new, calmer waters, IME.  I think you're facing what feels like self destruction but is actually your salvation..... if you continue to face the pain and choose new responses, rather than old patterns of reactivity.  Your stbx will always react..... always.  You can count on that.  Sometimes she might allow her attorney to talk her into solid actions,but she'll always bounce back to reactivity when she doesn't win ALL for what felt like huge sacrifice to give just a little.... once.  You can control yourself and continue to regroup and mount new defenses and offenses.  YOU can learn and strategize in ways that won't catch up and expose your lies and manipulations. 

Sometimes we're more comfortable in the chop and that's OK too. 

We are where we want to be, is the saying..... always keep breathing to restore access to our entire brain. You NEED your entire brain, EM. 

When the pain of staying where we are is worse than the pain of going...... we make different choices and move into new waters, IME.  Sometimes the new waters are feeling less unworthy and more worthy.  Sometimes they're gaining the ability to put up with a bit more discomfort than yesterday.... or embracing the coming conflict instead of feeling daunted and overwhelmed and defeated by just the thought,bc we're shut down in fight or flight at just the thought of going to court or sending our child into unsupervised visitation with dangerous people.... nothing unhinges more than our children being harmed, IME. Nothing. 

Nothing harms our ability to advocate for the children more than our becoming unhinged, IME.

We breathe, calm ourselves down, document like lives depend on it and we continue making the best possible choices we can.

I'm talking about holding the PD's feet to the fire, asking for protections at EVERY TURN, all wer'e entitled to and can get...even if we don't feel entitled to it.... we ask and find advocates and put them in place and utilize them to the best of our ability.

My children's crisis management social worker T was against me in the first months..... she believed everything the PD's told her to believe about me.  I was shocked when her advice was for me to "get a job" but that's where the PDs focused..... "refusing to work, sexual predator hhaw who preyed on men like a black widow spider....." and the truth is....they were acusing me of being EXACTLY what their son WAS.  I had to re read letters from my MIL sent to the T several times, bc MIL was explaining who her son was, while attributing that behavior TO ME..... which made me sick and dizzy... crazy accurate stuff.

The social worker T eventually SAW that truth and worked for my children, even though there were times SW was frightened of the PD's and their money and threats and possible legal suits against her....... my attorney and I managed SW's fears, reminded her of her duties and brought her back from the edge of despair and helped her be the best advocate for my children she could be, which wasn't apparent until many suits down the road, unfortunately,but there it is.  SW was a shite witness,btw.  I would have benefitted from finding and hiring  better, more expreienced forensic T to speak to the Court,but you know what?  That Judge didn't care, either way and was happily putting my children in harms way and actually TRYING the case FOR the PDs.  Unthinkable.  Drove me to insanity or the edge OVER and over and over, but I managed to stay calm.....likely was just shut down in survival mode, but I kept my yap shut, documented like crazy and that evidence eventually helped down the road several cases later.  Boy, did it.  Yup yup yup. 

Sometimes delayed justice is still justice and all we can hope for, EM.  You might get you clock cleaned in the divorce and custody order.  Maybe. 

You might end up with EVERYTHING, bc of those bad decisions by THIS Judge..... maybe.

You might get enough to live a sane and joyful life, even if you didn't get what was fair....maybe.

All I know to do, when faced with those odds, is put my head down, document, know where the evidence is filed and put my hands on it in seconds when needed so my attorney can advocate in the best possible way, at every chance, without a hiccup.

If there's a hiccup..... maybe it's a bad thing.  Maybe. 

Maybe it ends up ticking the Judge off in a way that turns the case on it's head and works for me and my children.  Maybe.

You do your best, shake off the injustie, find gratitude in what's working for you and embrace the joy around you at every dang turn, bc THIS moment is all you have, EM.  Your wife is as hog tied as you are in the legal system, but she lacks evidence you have.  Remember that, even if everything is telling you that evidence doesn't matter NOW..... it just might in the next case or THIS case when and if things go sideways, and they will.  Expect it then more of it,bc that's what PDs ARE.  Not what they do. 

These moments will never come again and you'll regret allowing the PD to rule your every moment during this difficult time, so find  a way to put this story on the shelf, after doing everything you can do, EM.  Find your way, which will be different than my way or any  other way.  Find it.  Hire that trauma informed T to SHOW YOU HOW,before the money is depleated.  it's a worthy investment, EM..... it's EVERYTHING, IME.

I appreciate you're ability to rise above and mine joy, as you've done.   I still allow myself to feel despair, but I put a limit it on, then go back to putting it down and seeking joy where I can, bc that's winning, IME.   Not becoming overwhelmed, for long, is a skill one cultivates.  A habit. A new pattern that becomes a joy, IME.

Taking back your ability to respond..... remembering who you were BEFORE your parents installed their disordered software.....being the EM you were born to be.... free of the worry into the future and regret of the past...... to just BE in your body......
home.....
you have arrived, EM. You're home, safe and able to feel joy.... to find it in every moment....... even when things seem the darkest..... you have a choice in how to face that darkness.


Light a candle or curse the darkness, EM?

I think it comes down to just that, IME.

[escapingman]

Im sorry this is difficult EM.  Time has a way of doing its thing as well in the truth war.  I will still suggest that the calmest adult in the room over time, will have the advantage.   

You wrote:

" SW even suggested to DD that she should meet STBX, GC, MIL and SIL all together with no other supervision.

" ...she says GC can decide what she wants"

Do DD and GC have the same rights, per the SW?  If so, then DD can decide for herself? If not, what is the legal basis for GC having different rights than DD? 

SoT

I am sure there are a few reason, one is that DD has expressed she wants some kind of relation with  her mum and I am backing that. GC does not want to have anything to do with me at the moment so SW thinks she needs to work on her.

The second thing is I am sure it's easier to push me and DD as we are kind reasonable people. Pushing STBX and her camp will make the SWs life harder.

But the bottom line is I won't allow DD to meet all them on her own as she would come back traumatised.

[escapingman]

Hhaw, thanks for all your support. Your message is so good, thanks again.

[escapingman]

I feel I have come really close to DD over the last months, and I feel so sorry for her what she went through with STBX and that I didn't stop it earlier. It is clear she really hates her mum for what she did to her but that she still want to keep some kind of relation. She is telling me stories I never really knew or missed out in my own fight against the FOG. Just a small one for example, we were recently on a flight together and they came through with the drinks trolley. DD told me she wanted orange juice but only if it came with no bits, so she asked me to ask. So to her delight it was with no bits so she had a glass, whilst drinking it she said this taste so good - I never got this before as GC wanted orange juice with bits and mum always bought what GC wanted. That really hurt, but also made me feel so good about knowing we are doing the right thing. She also recently told me she was proud of me, I asked her why cause I don't think I have done anything to be proud of. She told me she was proud of me for how I had been dealing with STBX and for separating from her. I think it help us both telling stories about the past and laugh about it, like recently we went to a restaurant and they forgot our order. When I asked where our food was they apologised, gave us a free drink each and then in the end gave us free desserts. If STBX would have been with us she had started shouting at them and left the restaurant leaving us on the street with no food and not knowing where to go.

Life with peace is a good life.

[SonofThunder]

I feel I have come really close to DD over the last months, and I feel so sorry for her what she went through with STBX and that I didn't stop it earlier. It is clear she really hates her mum for what she did to her but that she still want to keep some kind of relation. She is telling me stories I never really knew or missed out in my own fight against the FOG. Just a small one for example, we were recently on a flight together and they came through with the drinks trolley. DD told me she wanted orange juice but only if it came with no bits, so she asked me to ask. So to her delight it was with no bits so she had a glass, whilst drinking it she said this taste so good - I never got this before as GC wanted orange juice with bits and mum always bought what GC wanted. That really hurt, but also made me feel so good about knowing we are doing the right thing. She also recently told me she was proud of me, I asked her why cause I don't think I have done anything to be proud of. She told me she was proud of me for how I had been dealing with STBX and for separating from her. I think it help us both telling stories about the past and laugh about it, like recently we went to a restaurant and they forgot our order. When I asked where our food was they apologised, gave us a free drink each and then in the end gave us free desserts. If STBX would have been with us she had started shouting at them and left the restaurant leaving us on the street with no food and not knowing where to go.

Life with peace is a good life.

I love this EM. Thanks for sharing your positive experiences, which are nuggets of pure gold in your arduous mining process.   

SoT

[WhiteWolf]

I'm feeling a lot of stress today about/from my stbx too. So you're not alone!

Wouldn't you know it, finances are playing a big role. I'm beginning to realize the financial control and abuse is a much bigger manipulation than I realized. And so so terrifying when it doesn't feel like equal ground.

Stay strong. Don't stress about the future. Stay focused on today. And tomorrow when it's tomorrow. Some day you'll look back on all this, with hopefully a good shake of the head and feeling of well-being.

[guitarman]

It's all so awful for you. All the stress, worry and trauma keeps continuing.

Keep on with your self care. It is useful to be reminded by others what you've experienced and how they have coped. I watch YouTube videos made by mental health professionals about narcissistic abuse to keep reminding me about all the abuse I experienced and to feel validated and justified in my response to it all.

I've experienced trauma for decades and didn't even realise. I just thought it was normal and acceptable.

Keep working on building your self esteem. That is the how we can become stronger.

Your wife has black or white thinking. If you aren't her friend then you are her enemy and she feels completely justified in behaving the way she does towards you.

Your wife is deliberately trying to provoke you into anger. Beware of what she is doing and the raging response she expects to get from you.

Hopefully your legal team will show just how deluded and unreasonable her demands are. She may demand but that doesn't mean that she is going to get what she wants.

I expect her legal team are probably totally fed up with her, if she's anything like my uBPD/NPD sister and all the problems she's caused with the legal professionals she's used.

[escapingman]

I have decided to just accept the situation and practice radical acceptance. Whatever happens, will happen, and I need to just move on with my life whatever happens with the divorce. I can't wait for something to finalise as it could take years, I need to live my life right now and not in a few years time in a what if state.

Thanks for all your support.

[guitarman]

It's about becoming aware and living now calmly in the present moment.

However, we can't help our minds from thinking "What if?" all the time as they are always on alert for any danger. You can change that by saying "What IS" instead.

I've found Mindfulness meditations help me from not ruminating so much but I still find it difficult not to catastrophize. That is because of all the abuse and trauma I have experienced.

My mind goes to the worse case scenario in the future because it wants to protect me and keep me safe and alive. It's so used to doing that because of all the life threatening situations I've already experienced for decades in the past.

I hope you can experience some peace and joy in your life. I'm sure you will.