I'm Baaaaaaaa aaaaack....

[Hepatica]

 

Hey all. It's been a while, and this reflects my pattern I guess. Everything related to my coping mechanisms gets harder during holiday season, so here I am, freaking out again, not able to sleep, perseverating, thinking I should be able to solve an entire, extended family of weirdness.

Last night I was awake, again and again, and then again, my heart fluttering with anxiety, and as soon as I'd be slightly awake, my problem solving brain was going there, where? To this thing where I believe, yet again, it's all me, I am the key problem, and if only I'd just let up on people and allow them to be who they, are, flawed though that may be, toxic, soul-sucking and sad, and occasionally cruel, I should just toughen up and bare it.

I have not seen my sister, her kids, or my parents in a few years now and that includes phone calls, social media, texting. But I still live in the same town as all of them, and I have other extended family. One of my family members has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, so I attended a family gathering a few days ago to see her. None of my close family were there, but that said, a few who were at this get-together had happened to run into my sister and her two kids, and one of her flying monkeys, a friend from childhood. So they mentioned it to me, and I immediately felt... so many things... shame, grief, irritation, a little bit of rage, and I had to try to respond to this seemingly harmless conversation about them seeing them as if I was totally normal, and I wasn't. I gave it it two minutes and said I had to go to the loo, and I did some deep breathing. Then when I came home, I melted down, and I could not sleep at all last night.

Then I opened social media this AM and what do you know, I got a message from my sister's child, who now wants to come see me. What I didn't know was his girlfriend was at this thing where everyone happened to meet. So, what? Is this flying monkey droppings? I dumbly agreed, actually feeling quite excited to see him, and then of course, now, I'm like what the heck would we ever have to talk about?

I'm so IN THE FOG confused and all over the place now with guilt, and grief and that naive hope that all of this could be solved one day. And it won't. Will it?

I just need some voices of reason, if any of this makes sense. Thank you in advance!

[bloomie]

Hi Hepatica! Welcome back. The porch lights are always on for fellow travelers.

I am really sorry you are having trouble getting good rest. Not sleeping makes every single thing harder, right?

The thing I have found about NC is that it is an unnatural state that we come to after often decades of painful attempts to stay connected to people who bring pain and confusion where love and support would normally be. No one ever expects this to be where we end up and it is usually after agonizing that we come to the conclusion it is time to let go.

It would be unnerving to hear from your sister's child you have had no interaction with. It is impossible to know the motivation for that, but you sound open and excited about meeting. You have been long enough on this journey to know to guard your heart and your private information and go slow. You have tools, you are discerning, you know what does and does not work in relationships.

Would it be helpful to kindly ask if there is anything in particular your nephew wants to talk about with you before you meet? Did your nephew indicate what the motivation was to meet up? It isn't too late to get more information and you can always change your mind if you are not comfortable with the answers.

The thing I have experienced is even if the problem is with the sibling it is near impossible for their kids to not have a strong bias toward their parent's point of view unless they have also been ostracized and mistreated.

My thoughts are be very careful and ask questions. If you do meet, keep it short and sweet and have a way to quickly exit if it becomes to uncomfortable for you.

Sending you wisdom and strength!!

[treesgrowslowly]

 

Hi Hepatica and welcome back!

My sense is that your desire for some healthy family connections is very strong. And I can appreciate that. I really can.

What I see in your writing here is that you know that we can't fix other people - and you also still feel that pull to have it 'solved one day'. That is a familiar pull for many of us here I think.

It is ok to feel overwhelmed at times. Like Bloomie said, it's a good idea to ask this person why they want to meet with you, and then take your time to decide what you want to do.

I hope your sleep improves too - I know how hard that can be.

Trees

[From Ashes]

New here, I am not sure how to comment/respond and hope this is the way.

I am so sorry your experiencing this. I have very little advice because my heart wrenches for you. I feel that so deeply.

I too would have agreed to meet if my nieces or nephews wanted to. I too would second guess their intentions. If I could handle the meeting if those intentions were anything but supportive of my stance. I would feel cruel to tell them the abuse their parent/family subjected me to. I would be ashamed to defend my actions and put those they love most in a bad light.

Thank you for sharing. Know that whatever decision you make is okay. Try to let go of the guilt. Know this is not your fault. Your abuse, your walls, your guilt, is never your fault.

Sending virtual hugs.

[Hepatica]

Thank you Bloomie, Trees and From Ashes, so much.

Bloomie, yes, thank you. It was good for me to stop in here and have the sense of reason that i still need to be encouraged to take this situation on with a clear mind and clear intentions. I know now that I will pause and ask my nephew if there is anything he is interested in discussing before we meet. That's good advice that I needed, because I was in the moment and swept up. I need to constantly remind myself that this is not a normally behaving family. It is still hard for me to galvanize myself with this knowledge.

Trees, I do, definitely desire healthy family connections, but i have to also accept that this is wishful thinking. Had two unsettling days since Sunday now, the grief of this largely triggered, and it's painful, reminding me there is much more to heal in regards to this.

From Ashes, your kind response also reminds me of the reality of my sister's children and how I would never want to cause them pain. That would add so much unnecessary guilt that I don't wish to carry. Thank you for stating that because it's bolded it in my mind now. I will have some mantras written down. Do not add guilt. Do not cave to the wish to explain. Do not feel bad if you decide this isn't a time to meet.

After stating when I was available he has not contacted me and I feel nothing but relief.

I am not ready for this. I am still in an unsteady mindset of wanting people to see things my way. If I were ever to speak with them, ideally that desire would be gone. I wonder if that ever is?

[Jolie40]

I have not seen my sister, her kids, or my parents in a few years now and that includes phone calls, social media, texting. I got a message from my sister's child, who now wants to come see me.

keep in mind there's always the possibility that a family member spoke to child & encouraged him to initiate contact (as a way to find out what's going on with you)

I learned this with my FOO
a member that I was in contact with by phone would repeat what I said to PD parent
learned this after PD parent spoke about something that I had only told to other person!
I thought our conversations were between just us but apparently not

[Hepatica]

Thanks Jolie40. That's so true. I will keep that in mind. I really think that's what's happening here now that I've had a few days to get some distance and perspective.
Thank you to all of your responses. So helpful.

[sandpiper]

Hey Hepatic, big hugs. I'm rarely here these days too but the festering season usually reminds me I need to come back to my spiritual home with the rest of us Unchosen. You're the only ones who really get me.
I totally understand that panicky feeling.
Been there, done that. While I'm considered to be 'recovered' from my C-PTSD, I've come to view it as an illness like emotional anaphylaxis or diabetes that can be retriggered by toxins in my psychological mind space.
I've found that distracting myself by getting out into nature and stepping up the self-care and making time to be with good people who can SHUF me (see hear understand and whatever the F stands for) is a good way to re-calibrate.
Of course the idea of seeing FOO is going to make you defensive and worried.
I don't know how old your nephew is now, but my advice would be to CBT your way through this and start off with the Grey Rock approach.
Form a plan for your safety - arrange to meet somewhere that you have a safe exit. Don't make it an open ended meeting - tell him you can give him x amount of time (maybe half an hour or an hour in a low pressure setting like a park - nature always helps to soothe me) and write a list of 'safe' topics.
Boys typically don't actively participate in their mother's BS but they usually aren't very good at questioning it, either.
Maybe if you are cautiously optimistic and imagine how you would engage if it was a stranger's child who is coming to the board for the first time, feeling confused about his family, and think about what you would say to someone in that situation if you weren't attached by a lot of complex trauma.
I've been in these situations where I lay awake at night overthinking things and pressing all my own buttons and then when the situation arises I've been fine. It's a matter of putting yourself into a state where you can keep it all on a kind of superficial but gentle level of social discussion.
Remember to ask him about what he is interested in and just bear in mind - he may be trying to work out the complex situation in his family life and since you've broken away, you might be someone that he feels he can look to for leadership.
I listened to a radio show many years ago about the 'black sheep' who had been ostracized by family and many people ran in to speak about their experiences.
A psychologist called in to speak of hers and she said that for family left behind in abusive situations, the Black Sheep can be a very powerful personality because they've had the strength to resist the abuse and to leave - and if others are suffering, that's who they look to for a guiding light to show them how that rebellion is done.
You are stronger and wiser than you know. And everyone is here for you xxxx

[moglow]

I felt I was the lone dissenter, then read this from Sandpiper

Remember to ask him about what he is interested in and just bear in mind - he may be trying to work out the complex situation in his family life and since you've broken away, you might be someone that he feels he can look to for leadership.I listened to a radio show many years ago about the 'black sheep' who had been ostracized by family and many people ran in to speak about their experiences.
A psychologist called in to speak of hers and she said that for family left behind in abusive situations, the Black Sheep can be a very powerful personality because they've had the strength to resist the abuse and to leave - and if others are suffering, that's who they look to for a guiding light to show them how that rebellion is done.

For me, it was really helpful way back in the way back, to talk with my aunts and older cousins who'd seen and experienced mommie dearest up close and personal. They got it and got away from it. That was important for me to know, that it was okay to say No [even if only within myself] and I didn't have to stay there and be abused. I can and will help guide or advise any family member now that I realize how important it really is.

Ive recently had just that opportunity with my nieces and nephews, regarding their grandmother. I let them ask the questions and answered them with all the honesty and compassion I have. They knew some - I didn't realize how much! - but there was a huge gap that they wanted to understand. They still don't understand *her* but they get me now and that's important, know what I survived and how senseless it all was, how much harm she caused. My main goal was to emphasize that none of what she does or says is about or against them, it's just her. Her demons, if you will. My brother told me later how much they appreciated it, that they see things very differently now. That's the good stuff. 

[Starboard Song]

I had a new line for the first time in a while this week. I said NC forces us to use My Stuff / Your Stuff, and that Our Stuff was the profound pain of giving up.

I think it is so very unnatural to give up that we can't really do it permanently. Little events fire us back up. Either we are inspired to try and make things right, or we doubt things were ever so wrong, or we see the truth yet again and want to be avenged (this last one is my demon).

If you need it, consider my list exercise: one list of things you know are TRUE. And another list of things you know are NOT TRUE. Review it with a trusted friend or partner who knows your history. I don't even have to give examples, do I, of the sorts of things you might put on this list. But each should have 5 to 10 items. And the briefest honest review of them should put to rest any ill-advised notions, or spasms of unwarranted guilt.

I wish for you the confidence of gods.

[sandpiper]

Hepatica, FWIW if my sisters' kids were to contact me, I think I'd feel exactly the way that you do.
They swallowed the kool-aid and I have to remind myself that they have never understood that my sisters view everything about our time together through the distorting lense of unhealed and unexplored trauma.
Remember, it's fine to say no and to put it off if you aren't feeling comfortable.
The lead-up to the silly season is really triggering and you can always just say that it might be a better time to meet in the new year.
You have to look after yourself and that counts for double at this time of year.
I step away from things all the time and have learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation other than 'it's not a good time, maybe later.' And in some instances that means 'maybe never.'