Weird Day - Need Some Input

[NarcKiddo]

So this morning, when the first messages came over text and not the app, I experience that feeling of capture again.  No real basis for it.  But an intense feeling of dread, fear and desire to flee.  It was quite overwhelming at that moment.  After it passed leaving a low level of anxiety, I broke out my journal to process.

Like we learn in therapy, follow the feeling to the trigger.  And aren't we all triggered with trauma in our pasts?!  There is no basis for this to be a red flag like with the others.  But instead my own history and conditioning. 

I've only just come across this thread and it makes interesting reading. Thank you for starting it and sharing your experiences.

Before I read your latest post I was already thinking the following:

I recognise the butterfly feeling, but not in the same way. I have been married for over 30 years. Although my husband is not PD his mother is and he certainly has fleas. But he is basically sound and supportive and I lucked out.

I, too, was trotted out as a child, and still am if my mother can get away with it. I was conditioned to be the butterfly and conditioned to expect to be trapped in the jar. So when I was in the dating game all those years ago I played the butterfly and played it well. If I was interested in a man and thought he might have some interest in me I would flutter around for all I was worth. I became annoyed if he did not open the jar or get out his net and would do my utmost to pique his interest. Once in the jar, as it were, I would expect the lid to be put on. If it wasn't, I took it as a sign that he was going to get rid of me so I would then escape the jar as fast as ever I could so I would be the one doing the leaving.

It's all horribly messed up but if I ever find myself in the dating game again I will certainly look out for the butterfly feeling.

[JustKeepTrying]

Butterfly Feeling - great title for a book

Safe Sane and Single is a great song   And I am certainly embracing the mantra. 

The guy turned out to be a dud but that's OK.  Each time I go through the experience I am fine tuning my social skills; venturing slowly out into the world and opening myself up to people again; building my self confidence and frankly, finding my sexy back.

My T and best friend are convinced I will meet someone in the wild - out and about while traveling.  Could be.  Right now I am focusing on building skills and becoming confident in being single - confident in living authentically.  Confident in saying screw the narcs!