Thoughts on a discard

[Sneezy]

So I took a mental health day today - got a pedicure, then picked up fresh gingerbread men from my fav local bakery. And visited a shelter, fell over for a sweet lovey tabby teenager. If he's still there Friday (he's on a stray hold in case someone us looking for him), he's coming home with me.😸

Sounds like some perfect self-care    And what a lucky kitty, to hopefully have you as his new mom just in time for Christmas (you have to keep us posted on whether he is still there on Friday).

[notrightinthehead]

That small girl inside me still sees "mother" (any mother really) as one thing on the surface, something very different underneath. The lack of trust learned through the complete failure of that relationship numbs a person. You question everything and everyone, maintain distance and watch everything.

and that small girl needs all the love you have and can give. She needs all your attention. Every time your thoughts wander off in direction of your mother, bring them back to the small girl and ask what she wants, needs, what would bring her joy. You are doing some seriously good work here and you have so much self awareness. I have found that the more I treat myself with kindness and am loving to myself, the easier it becomes to be authentic with others. Because I do not need their approval as much as I used to. Because I feel more love in my heart for myself.

[Cat of the Canals]

So I took a mental health day today - got a pedicure, then picked up fresh gingerbread men from my fav local bakery. And visited a shelter, fell over for a sweet lovey tabby teenager. If he's still there Friday (he's on a stray hold in case someone us looking for him), he's coming home with me.😸

That sounds lovely! Fingers crossed on you adopting a new kitty friend!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That small girl inside me still sees "mother" (any mother really) as one thing on the surface, something very different underneath. The lack of trust learned through the complete failure of that relationship numbs a person. You question everything and everyone, maintain distance and watch everything.

Me too, moglow, me too.

[moglow]

People don't think of that, 'delia. Say "you can trust me" until you turn purple but honestly, I have no idea what to do with that or what it feels like. I did learn extreme flexibility and how to take care of myself though, going with the flow and coping with whatever comes up when it happens. It's pretty hard to truly rattle my cage these days. Mother used to on the regular but now? I've got this, I'll figure out the details when I get there.
But damn it gets exhausting, carrying it all. Feels nice being able to set it down and take care of my own finally, without her input or interference.

[NarcKiddo]

People don't think of that, 'delia. Say "you can trust me" until you turn purple but honestly, I have no idea what to do with that or what it feels like. I did learn extreme flexibility and how to take care of myself though, going with the flow and coping with whatever comes up when it happens. It's pretty hard to truly rattle my cage these days. Mother used to on the regular but now? I've got this, I'll figure out the details when I get there.
But damn it gets exhausting, carrying it all. Feels nice being able to set it down and take care of my own finally, without her input or interference.

It is utterly exhausting. I think that's what drove me to therapy in the end. I simply could not manage my emotions and reactions any more.

I very much relate to your statement that you have no idea what to do with trust or what it feels like. I've been discussing this with my therapist, because I have set myself up in a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy loop. Nobody is 100% reliable (not humanly possible). But every time someone lets me down in some way I at once take it as proof that they are untrustworthy in every particular. I am quite capable of deciding what I want from someone but not actually communicating it to them (communicating a desire or an achievement to mother was dangerous). So they let me down by accident because they have no clue I had any expectation. Meanwhile I can nod to myself and say "SEE! They can't be trusted." I have no experience of the "good enough" mother. I know how to deal with a nightmare mother, long for an ideal that does not exist, and have no clue how to handle "good enough". I reject anyone "good enough" at the first hint of a failing.

[moglow]

NarcKiddo, pretty much all you write applied here too. Except now ... Expectations are gone. I very rarely have expectation of any kind anymore, which is actually somewhat more comforting than you'd think. I dont get disappointed or hurt like I used to. I put myself into whatever I'm doing and leave others to do the same. Flip side is, I don't get real excited either - hopeful, giddy, all the old anticipation have bled out of me. It's mixed bag for sure, but infinitely more peaceful than even five years ago.


And y'all, kitty did come home with me yesterday.💜 He's got kitty sniffles and on meds for a week, so not feeling real spunky but loving and sweet, very snuggly. Follows me around whenever I'm not close by. His new siblings arent thrilled but he's young enough I think he'll win them over soon. Shelter had posted ads all over, trying to find his family and not a peep, but somebody has to be missing him. I hate it for them, but so very glad to have him.