Shared fantasy

[escapingman]

Thanks SH,

That makes complete sense, I do think I am further on than that so I will not risk digging up old wounds. I had a similar exercise as you, when I really understood there was no hope, this was when I found this site as well. I left for 2 weeks and spend the entire time either crying in the hotel room screaming to myself she does not exist, and wandering the streets just thinking about all abuse over the years. I still returned home, but only to get my act together to leave. After those 2 weeks I never looked at her the same again and I could only see who she was behind the mask.

Yesterday, as I expected she did her Christmas special. She bombarded DD with pictures and messages, and also presents she had arranged to be dropped off. She tried to make DD see how perfect her Christmas and life over with her FOO was, DD showed me the pictures and all I could feel was relief for not being part of that anymore, and also sadness for them all that they are stuck in the illusion of her perfect their material lives are. It will be interesting to see what the social worker thinks about STBX sending 20-30 messages asking several times for when she can see DD when this is supposed to be led by DD and when she feels ready if ever.

[escapingman]

SH, the more thought I am giving this you might be right. I might not go as far as you mention but certainly need to look into this, if it is subconscious it needs out.

[StartingHealing]

EM,

Yeah, I know that what I did appears to be "over the top" however having something that felt big enough to really get that message firmly implanted past the conscious filters and into my subconscious was what I was shooting for.  Partly because of how many years of BS that I endured.   

It was very hard for me to accept that I had been snookered by her, that my basis of "loving" her was built on falsity.  Really hit my own concept of self trust.  I had to find a way to forgive myself for that. 

Wishing you all the best

[hhaw]

Whoo boy.  Just had a productive hour with T discussing the wounded and/or protective parts I'm dealing with now.....they aren't me. Never are me.  They always have good intentions and require attention when they appear.

When we merge with them....
When we try to deny them or push them down..,,
When we need them to just stop existing....
When we're ashamed we can't just get over them....
We slow the process of healing them.

Getting curious....
Inviting them to speak...
Becoming their ally and assuring them they have every right to feel as they do....
Accepting things as they are, without expectation they'll change or come under our control is helpful to SEE our parts.
Our parts are candles while we remain apart as the sunlight.....our true selves.

We aren't our feelings, wounded parts or protectors.

EM:  Whatever you created with your stbx.....whatever drew you to her and bonded you is NOT who you are.

Causes and conditions aren't who any of us are.

Once you gain some distance, and I'm inviting my parts as ally more often lately,
you can/I can help those parts feel less lonely....more supported and tended to.  It becomes familiar, gets easier, less overwhelming and easier to find spaciousness, ime.

This will happen again and again and identifying our suffering as different parts is one way healing can happen.

Remembering to notice when we merge with the parts is so helpful......inviting them to be an ally helps separate from them so we can tend to them.

You're dealing with a lot, so please remember you're the sunbeam.....you can notice the candles within and remain separate from them....curious and welcoming the messages they have for you.

Sometimes dropping into dialogue with those parts brings answers to dispel the confusion and enlighten you AND the parts.

Lean into trust for yourself.

Lean into curiosity and acceptance.  It helps.

Remember, you're likely merging with a wounded or protective part when you flip into fight or flight......and that's ok too.  Just notice it and remember you can always create distance, shift into Observer mode and process.  As long as you're learning, you're overcoming.

As long as you're returning to mindfulness....you're growing and processing.

You've carried so much, felt responsible for everyone for so long.....it will take a while to put that down without picking it back up... and it's ok....however it happens.

It's going to be ok.

[StartingHealing]

 

[InTheDragonsDen]

Shared Fantasy, was it a shared fantasy or "future faking".
Have watched Sam and Dr. Ramani, iMHO Dr. Ramani breaks down each part of narcissism much more clearly and easy to understand. For myself, I just need the basics on how to make my life better. At least for me, she is spot on.