Subconscious responses to abuse growing up... did you have any?

[NarcKiddo]

I too have a hair-trigger startle response. I think it is a known factor of C-PTSD so that might be something to consider. Someone here mentioned C-PTSD  ages ago and I started researching more. Pretty much everything to do with it resonates, so I think I probably have it even though I have not been diagnosed with it (nor do I particularly want a diagnosis of anything).

[Leonor]

Ooh, I have a lot of little initials after my name: CPTSD, DDNOS, etc., etc.

But - and this is really important - like Spring Butterfly says, healing is possible. It's natural. It's organic.

All the acronyms, they are helpful. They explain. They rationalize.

But you were always more than what happened to you. You are not a diagnosis. You are a precious, living, loving human being.

[NotCryingGlitter]

C-PTSD 

I'm gonna have to look into this type of PTSD, based on the quick definitions I read. Thank you!

Has anyone ever had a literal acute spasm or jerk around their neck or shoulder area (just one quick jerk/spasm) during a harsh criticism/verbal abuse moment?

[blacksheep7]

[quote author=NotCryingGlitter link=msg=801893 date=16899370

Has anyone ever had a literal acute spasm or jerk around their neck or shoulder area (just one quick jerk/spasm) during a harsh criticism/verbal abuse moment?
[/quote]

Hi NotCryingGlitter,

I have not but my forty year old  ds has what is called «Tic Disorders and Twitches».  I talked about it with him as I noticed that he had episodes. He is not always aware when it happens and as we discussed it, stress seemed to be  the factor.

IMO, any kind of abuse could be a trigger. 
 

[notrightinthehead]

15 years after I had moved out of my abusive mother 's home, a temperamental colleague of mine started shouting and I found I had subconsciously lifted my arms above my face in a protective reflex.

[NotCryingGlitter]

[quote author=NotCryingGlitter link=msg=801893 date=16899370

Has anyone ever had a literal acute spasm or jerk around their neck or shoulder area (just one quick jerk/spasm) during a harsh criticism/verbal abuse moment?

Hi NotCryingGlitter,

I have not but my forty year old  ds has what is called «Tic Disorders and Twitches».  I talked about it with him as I noticed that he had episodes. He is not always aware when it happens and as we discussed it, stress seemed to be  the factor.

IMO, any kind of abuse could be a trigger. 

It doesn't happen often, but it's like I jerk once or something.

[NotCryingGlitter]

15 years after I had moved out of my abusive mother 's home, a temperamental colleague of mine started shouting and I found I had subconsciously lifted my arms above my face in a protective reflex.

I get jumpy around somebody else yelling at me.

[SeaBreeze]

Sinking feeling in my stomach at first sign of disapproval or conflict. Automatic feeling of guilt when a group is addressed over one member's wrongdoing, even though I'm not the guilty party. (I at least recognize and combat these sensations now.)

As a child, I had 2 recurring nightmares. One, my uNPD mother is driving and I'm in the passenger seat. Her face suddenly freezes in an evil grimace as she turns toward me with a knife in her hand. Always bolted awake from that one.

The other, we are also in the car, fleeing from a giant demon who looks like the devil from Disney's Fantasia. Suddenly my mom aims a water hose out her window (hey it was a dream). She sprays water at the towering fiery giant, only to reveal my normal-height father, soaking wet in jeans and t-shirt. (My dad is a non, the "good enough" parent. He definitely had fleas and anger issues back then, but also an enabling people pleaser who liked to shoot passive-aggressive barbs then take them back.) Once revealed, he delivered his ever in-famous line/excuse of "I was just joking." Sort of a funny ending (my kids always laugh at this story about my dream of their jokester grandfather) but terrifying up to that point.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Sinking feeling in my stomach at first sign of disapproval or conflict. Automatic feeling of guilt when a group is addressed over one member's wrongdoing, even though I'm not the guilty party. (I at least recognize and combat these sensations now.)

THIS. What steps do you take to combat them?

[Aeon]

I got a bleeding ulcer when I was 16 years old.

I can't think of any other reason for it. It showed up after a very severe bout of depression and about the time my uPDm starting being weirder than normal. She would stop the car suddenly (we were the only ones in the car) and reach out her arm to 'stop' me. I had seat belt on so there was no need for it and it happened several time suddenly when I hit puberty but never before.
I never got informed about leg shaving or the like.
A friend of mine in the 5th grade had to tell me I needed a bra.

Thank god for people with empathy. 

[SeaBreeze]

NotCryingGlitter asked:

THIS. What steps do you take to combat them?

Practicing mindfulness in general has helped me become more aware of my reactions to situations, both physical and emotional. Yoga, meditation paired with mental body scans, and exercises to stay in the present, have helped me alot with mindfulness. Example: if I need to ground myself in the present, I might step outside and then identify one thing I see, then hear, then feel, then smell/taste. Followed by a private game of I Spy (find something green, something round, etc).

During the heat of conflict -- or any stressful situation -- practicing the tools (for me, specifically no JADE and 3 Cs) helps me respond and observe, not react and get sucked in. I'm much more likely now to notice my stomach drop, my face flush hot, my pulse speed up, my breath quicken; or catch myself grinding my teeth, hunching my shoulders, gripping my hands. First thing I do is remember to breathe deeply, slowly, calmly. Next, if it's a reaction I can control (like hunching my shoulders) I relax that body part. If it's more an involuntary reflex (like racing heart), I just sort of neutrally detach and observe it, mentally reminding myself "There is no tiger here." (An anti-anxiety mantra I picked up somewhere, source unknown .)  And then think oh, okay, my body is releasing stress hormones and that's why my heart is racing.

Please know, it took me YEARS of deliberate practice to get to this point. Between having panic attacks since age 19, being married over 2 decades to a PD, and working in customer service even longer, I've had a while to practice these techniques! I hope something I've suggested may be of help. 

[Marianne]

I only read the opening post and I feel for you. So sorry.

This subject terrifies me too much to even talk about it openly. But yes. I had. Not only about my family, also my ex-partner. All sorts of signals. Physical problems, even as a kid, sprinkled through my doc's file in moments of (sexual) abuse. Dreams and nightmares. Chills when first meeting ex and a sense of doom, the urge to run away. Delusions even, which I see as day-mares when nightmares failed to help as a warning. I also have had dreams that I myself should change because I was copying perpetrator behaviour. And a literal flight or freeze instinct.

I now have all sorts of emotional symptoms. But also physical problems. Myoma. PMDD. IBS. Thrombosis and pulmonary embolism. I recently had a heart pain in response to a fight with dad. I think all these are stress symptoms.

I'm searching how to balance safety and self-preservation/protection of my kid, and forgiveness and letting go, also because of my own peace of mind. Not really sure yet.

[NotCryingGlitter]

NotCryingGlitter asked:

THIS. What steps do you take to combat them?

Practicing mindfulness in general has helped me become more aware of my reactions to situations, both physical and emotional. Yoga, meditation paired with mental body scans, and exercises to stay in the present, have helped me alot with mindfulness. Example: if I need to ground myself in the present, I might step outside and then identify one thing I see, then hear, then feel, then smell/taste. Followed by a private game of I Spy (find something green, something round, etc).

During the heat of conflict -- or any stressful situation -- practicing the tools (for me, specifically no JADE and 3 Cs) helps me respond and observe, not react and get sucked in. I'm much more likely now to notice my stomach drop, my face flush hot, my pulse speed up, my breath quicken; or catch myself grinding my teeth, hunching my shoulders, gripping my hands. First thing I do is remember to breathe deeply, slowly, calmly. Next, if it's a reaction I can control (like hunching my shoulders) I relax that body part. If it's more an involuntary reflex (like racing heart), I just sort of neutrally detach and observe it, mentally reminding myself "There is no tiger here." (An anti-anxiety mantra I picked up somewhere, source unknown .)  And then think oh, okay, my body is releasing stress hormones and that's why my heart is racing.

Please know, it took me YEARS of deliberate practice to get to this point. Between having panic attacks since age 19, being married over 2 decades to a PD, and working in customer service even longer, I've had a while to practice these techniques! I hope something I've suggested may be of help. 

So the key to dealing with it when around a situation that's not your fault, when not around the abusers, is routines and mantra's that take you back to the present...hmmm. I'll have to come up with a mantra. I like what you said about purposefully relaxing the body part that tenses up, forming a new habit.

The problem in the short term is being in a situation they don't control -- ha. BUT, I will keep this advice and plan in mind for when moving time comes.

[sunshine702]

I didn't have any real physical health problems as a result of childhood but I did start doing drugs when I was 16. I was lucky that I never got into deep trouble but they've always been in the mix. Only just, very very recently finally dropped the cigarettes. Addiction and poor choices are deffo a mental health thing

I developed a drinking problem at 16. The most I have ever been sober is one year. But that was a real milestone for me.  I CAN do it if I choose to. I have some tools and a track record.   It's the monkey on my back that def started with stress from family.  If they were coming to visit I had wine and a workout planned.  It is not completely on them but they sure did not help. Being able to soothe /numb. 

[Liketheducks]

Don't know how I missed this thread.   

I did/do have nightmares.   Usually following some kind of trigger...be it childhood trauma or more recent.   One vivid nightmare I had as a kid was my father breaking into our home (after a restraining order was filed) and standing over my bed smoking Marlboro's.   I would wake up literally smelling the cigarette and turning on every light just to make sure he wasn't really there.   

I, too, have a hair trigger startle response.   When particularly triggered, I literally twitch in my sleep.   That has gotten better over time.

I, too, have a PTSD/C-PTSD diagnosis.   I don't remember a time in life when I didn't have these symptoms.   Hyper vigilance, avoidance, panic, tight shoulders.   I grind my teeth in my sleep when particularly triggered - so loud as a child, I'd wake people in the next room. 

And, I'll also cop to using wine to self-medicate and numb.   I'm functional, but dependent enough on it that I probably should take myself in hand over it.   I have had weeks/months of total sobriety.   I can also do it, if I want.   But, I don't really want to.

With all of this, I have a great counselor who specializes in trauma.    I try to use mindfulness.   Recently, read through Edith Eva Eger's two books on trauma.   Very helpful for me.   The Choice and THe Gift.   And, I also use medication to help manage my symptoms.     The longer I live with this, the more I see it in others on a day to day basis.   Everyone has some kind of trauma.   This is just my version of it.

[discarded]

I struggle with an anxiety disorder that I think developed in my childhood. If I expressed myself, which I guess inadvertently made my mother look bad, I sometimes found myself getting beat. I was told I am just difficult and deserve to be treated like that. My extended family echoes the same sort of comments to this day, so I decided no contact would be better for my mental health.

[countrygirl]

All of these posts resonate for me.  I am hyper-vigilant, to the point that I hear things that others who are in a room don't hearer that they don't hear until a while later.  For example, I hear sirens as they are approaching much sooner than anyone else can hear them  And it's not that my hearing is so good; it's that Im so alert.  A friend calls it my "bat hearing," although I don't think I can echolocate...

I had night terrors when I was a kid, and continued to have nightmares for many years.  So often I would dream about being chased by monsters.  (Guess who they were.) Once I was climbing up a tree to escape zombies.  I still sometimes have nightmares which cause me to scream out in my sleep, and sometimes to wake with my heart pounding. 

Once again, I must say how fortunate we are to have this forum.  I have found that it takes an exceptional person to empathize with emotional abuse by one's parents.  It is much easier to discuss things here, where we already know what the other person is talking about. We offer each other the support and understanding which we did not receive as children. 
   

[NotCryingGlitter]

All of these posts resonate for me.  I am hyper-vigilant, to the point that I hear things that others who are in a room don't hearer that they don't hear until a while later.  For example, I hear sirens as they are approaching much sooner than anyone else can hear them  And it's not that my hearing is so good; it's that Im so alert.
 

Wow, you've really got me thinking now. For a long time, I felt like I couldn't hear things as well in conversation, but yet I hear every little noise in general...maybe there's more to it than hearing levels. I'm the same way with sirens.