First Mothers Day with no contact

[Jane Doe]

This is harder than I expected.  I'm dealing with a lot of guilt because I never sent a "goodbye letter" or anything, just decided I had enough and disappeared.  She is freaking, keeps calling and says she doesn't understand which she probably doesn't.
This was about 2-3 months ago after years of a terrible relationship where I was the co-dependent/enmeshed daughter, my brother (RIP) was the SG.  My dear enabler sweet father passed a few years ago.

The guilt is overwhelming.  Do I send a letter as to why?  Along with other things, few years back she enlisted other family members to try to take all of my lift savings saying it was "hers".  She still doubles down that all the money the family made is hers.  She kept pulling me into a family business every time I got my life in order, she was a pro at enmeshment.  They wouldn't pay me a working salary and kept me in their house (in control of her - gosh I hate her now). Says I need to blanket forgive her but will not admit to anything - to me, forgiveness comes with repentance right?!  No repentance at all, just circular conversations and I've had enough!!!

Fast forward where a kind wonderful man decided to marry me lol, it screwed up her plans because she had it in her mind that I was going to be her nurse maid in her old age.  She is in her 80's and I'm in my 60's.  I moved far away and am happy but she keeps somehow pulling me back in at a distance? 

At this point, I loath her. 

So controlling she phoned the police to go to our house because I wouldn't call her back.

I'm weak, sick (physically) and crushed.  She has destroyed relationships and is still doing it with whomever is still alive.

How do I get rid of this guilt?  I feel like I really should write her and let her know, but anytime I've tried she shuts me down and says she cannot take it that nobody can say anything negative against her???

She is trying to use her health because all she wants is me to be her nurse and care for her - makes no difference I'm disabled and have a husband caring for me.

My doctor told me I have to let stress go, yet this old woman will not stop with the calls and letters.  I block the calls but somehow she still gets through.  My phone company says my phone is old - bottom line it will cost me hundreds to fix it to where she cannot call me?

I NEVER WANT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM HER AGAIN!   


How do I do this without guilt?  Do I need to write her and explain that she needs to go away she is killing me?

I saw a therapist, all she said was I have cPTSD and that was it?

Help?!

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm sorry.  The first anything is the hardest to get through.

1.  Change your number.  It's the easiest & fastest way, & probably won't cost you as much to fix it so her calls are perma-blocked.
2.  Create a new email & use that for everything.  Keep your old email for your mother only, so you can control when & how often you want to expose yourself to her toxicity.
3.  Speak to the police in your current town & tell them to disregard any calls from concerned people in [former town].  You have a severely abusive mother & you moved X miles away to get away from her & to heal.  You are alive & well, nothing is wrong, but your mother likes to fabricate drama & is known for manipulating others to do her dirty work & attempt to get you back under her abusive thumb so you're just putting it on record to save the police department time & money checking on someone who doesn't need it.

CPTSD is awful & it'll take time to get your symptoms to a manageable level.  There's nothing you can do to MAKE her stop, unless you want to pay a lawyer to mail her a cease & desist via certified mail.  That'll be the first step to getting a restraining order if that's an option you're considering.

As for a letter, if you WANT to send one:  "Mother, consider this letter official notification to stop contacting me in any way, shape, or form.  It is unwanted.  I no longer want any relationship with you.  I wish you well.  Goodbye."  Optional:  Add a line that says you'll contact her when you're ready, if you want to leave the door cracked open that way.

But you don't have to send one.  You can write a letter, completely unburden yourself, & either keep it, shred it, burn it, whatever, & never send it.

You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do.  Your mother is doing just fine.  She's just throwing a giant hissy because you've broken away to live your own life & she can't handle it.  That's HER problem, not yours.  She has to come to terms with this new normal.  Stay the course.  You'll eventually notice a quieting (if you don't change your number, that is) in the number of calls, with occasional bursts of escalated attempts.

You can do this.  Focus on celebrating you this weekend; do something constructive.  Or, if you're feeling like you need to:  Go to a rage room & throw & smash things in there for a bit.  It's cathartic.

[Tribe16]

Says I need to blanket forgive her but will not admit to anything - to me, forgiveness comes with repentance right?!  No repentance at all, just circular conversations and I've had enough!!!

I'm so sorry for you and this yucky spot you find yourself in right now, this is so hard. Your mom sounds extremely disturbed, she has to be for her to think it's as simple as a blanket forgiveness and everything will be peachy.

I struggle with this every day and I'm coming from a place where I am a person of faith, so please disregard if this doesn't apply to you. The forgiveness piece is and always was for you, not for her. To me, forgiveness is just a willingness to let go of the need for justice. The justice is probably never going to come in this life. Forgiveness is moving on from the past, but it doesn't negate what your future is going to look like. Forgetting is not required for forgiveness. You'll never forget what it feels like to get burned on a hot stove, and you will forever 1) use potholders and be very careful around the stove, or 2) eat out for the rest of your life and avoid the stove. But you'll forever be careful not to burn yourself again.

If you get hung up on the word forgiveness, think of it as letting go, radical acceptance of who she is, making peace with your past and moving forward by living the life God intended you to live by being joyful.

The thing that resonated with me is not forgiving someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die... I'm here working with you on this everyday. It's not a one-day and she's all forgiven. I know I will have to work on this everyday, accept my mother is a sick person, allow my mother to be who she is and live with the choices she makes. I can limit any and all access for her to be in my sphere and still be a good, caring person who is doing nothing wrong, just protecting myself from further harm and injury.

The guilt piece I realize more and more each day, is something she was able to program in me for a lifetime, and it will take some time for me to deprogram myself. For me, I don't believe God wants me to feel that guilt, He just wants me to be kind. And I can be kind from a distance, pray for her and wish her peace. That's my take on it.

I hope this wasn't preachy, I didn't mean it to be - I wish for you all the peace your heart can hold. I wish that for all of us, especially on this most triggering weekend of the year!

[Jane Doe]

@Daisygirl77 Thank you!  I'm trying not to have to change my number, have already done it twice but they are so easy to get now days it's not helping and only hurting me - I do appreciate the good things you said a bunch!  Went to Verizon and they said to fix it I had to purchase another phone and that is too expensive.  (((Hug)))

@Tribe16 Thank you too, AND I'm also Christian so your message was just right (((Hug)))

Thank you both for the kindness, this is so difficult to do.  I did talk with a T yesterday, wasn't as helpful as I had hoped since she said she knew all about N & BPD but suggested a couple of books that was just...well, silly and non helpful at all.  I think maybe if she had gotten to know me better but got the feeling it was more like "if a person does A, give them book B", not like she actually heard anything.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Jane Doe,

I'll weigh in about the therapist who doesn't get it. There are a lot of those. I've had my fair share. 

The problem with guilt and cPTSD is that reading a book isn't therapy for those symptoms. It's psycho-education, which is one part of therapy. Kinda like how reading a recipe book on how to bake bread isn't the same as enjoying freshly baked bread. It's just the theory that reveals the steps in how bread is created. You can read the book all day long, and still not have bread.

So many therapists will waste the hour with us, telling us how bread is made. Who cares? That's really not the part we need their help with is it? That's why you leave the office feeling crummy, in my opinion. She didn't actually hear you. She doesn't know how to do anything except tell you about some books - which honestly, so can Amazon. IMHO those therapists are useless. You can get book recommendations from us, from the internet, from good reads.com etc etc etc...

What you would very likely benefit from is a therapeutic space where you can explore the guilt you feel - with someone who knows how to guide that process. Tied to guilt can be all sorts of things like anger, fear, resentment and so on.

A good therapist knows how to help clients and support them through a process where they work with the emotions, in the office.

A good therapist doesn't respond to your situation by saying oh you feel x, try reading this book on NPD. No, that's like telling you that reading the recipe book, will make you feel less hungry. Nope, hunger is hunger and is not solved by reading recipes. Quite the opposite sometimes right?!

A good therapist gives you space and time to express yourself emotionally - something that an overbearing mother never allowed us to do.

A lot of us grew up with overbearing mothers who overwhelmed us constantly, and made it normal for us to constantly be aware of their need for emotional caretaking. This is what can drive an adult daughter to wonder if a letter will soothe her narc mother's panic (and insane behaviours - like calling constantly).

The seeds for this were planted years ago, when she failed to give you space to breathe and to feel ok leaving her alone to sort out her own anxiety and panic and other narc based issues she has. Don't feel bad about it - I for one can say I had the exact same thing done to me. My mother overwhelmed me, over and over as a child, with no concern at all for what it would do (i.e. cause me to live with cPTSD for my entire life).

She's trying to get you to feel bad for "abandoning" her. But you were her child, not the other way around. She was supposed to show up for you. Now she's mad at you. I've been there. My mother was convinced that I was born to take care of her. It is an upside down situation when they do that to us.

The fact that she can't stop phoning you now, tells you a lot about how immature and self-centered she is. A letter isn't going to change that. You might want to write the letter for you, and find a therapist who can help you to process all of the emotions your mom cannot possibly understand or even allow. If you tell her how you feel and why, she will probably just go into denial and rage at you. That is what mine would do.

If any other person was doing what she was doing, we'd have an easier time calling it what it is - bullying.

I think that watching her try to go after your financial well-being probably scared you. It feels crazy making when we have to protect ourselves from disordered parents like this.

Trees

[Tribe16]

So many therapists will waste the hour with us, telling us how bread is made. Who cares? That's really not the part we need their help with is it? That's why you leave the office feeling crummy, in my opinion. She didn't actually hear you. She doesn't know how to do anything except tell you about some books - which honestly, so can Amazon. IMHO those therapists are useless. You can get book recommendations from us, from the internet, from good reads.com etc etc etc...

What you would very likely benefit from is a therapeutic space where you can explore the guilt you feel - with someone who knows how to guide that process. Tied to guilt can be all sorts of things like anger, fear, resentment and so on.

A good therapist knows how to help clients and support them through a process where they work with the emotions, in the office.

A good therapist doesn't respond to your situation by saying oh you feel x, try reading this book on NPD. No, that's like telling you that reading the recipe book, will make you feel less hungry. Nope, hunger is hunger and is not solved by reading recipes. Quite the opposite sometimes right?!

Trees, this is what I needed today - I've been going round trying to decide if I need to go back to therapy or not. Maybe not for now. My last therapist was really on my case to read the Pete Walker book - I did, it was OK and there were some good nuggets in there but the book that made a big difference for me was "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" - and the therapist had not read that one. Your analogy with bread is one I will remember for a long time, so thank you.

[xredshoesx]

sending gentle hugs today tribe16

part of me for sure still mourns the loss of the mother I needed vs the mother I got

[Jane Doe]

@Tree's, thank you so much for your post, it helped and got me to thinking.  I don't think I'll go back to that woman T because she just triggered me.  I wish T's would just stick to talk therapy, that is what was requested.  It's sad but after this I believe I'm done looking into T's.  This is the second one and your not suppose to feel worse when you leave.

Thanks again, very good post!

[bloomie]

Jane Doe - my question is... what is the anger you are feeling telling you?

There was a sentinel moment in my own journey when I realized... under it all.. all the self doubt, revisiting, ruminating, letter writing in my head at 2am, book reading and researching... I was MAD!!

Understanding what my anger was telling and asking me was vital to release and eventual freedom that led to a more measured, balanced view of how unsafe my own mother and mil were to me and my own agency to do something about the threat close proximity to them was to my peace and mental health.

Karla McLaren's work describing what the language of our emotions might be describes anger as telling us something needs to be protected and something needs to be preserved. I have also learned, that for me, anger is an energizing emotion and empowering when it is used as I believe it was intended. Not abusive or out of control.

If that resonates with you, like it did with me, what needs to be protected and what needs to be preserved in your life?

It helped me to have an anger journal. I just wrote it out. All of the things that had been stuffed way down inside for decades came pouring out. Black letters on a white page that could never hurt or be seen by anyone but me. My own truth. This was much more productive for me than writing a letter to people who did not have eyes to see me or ears to hear me or a heart to love me.

[Jane Doe]

@bloomie; Wow - nail meet hammer!!!

You really hit it, I'm furious!  Not depressed at all, not irritated but FURIOUS!

How dare she?  How dare she ruin all those relationships for her entertainment, how dare she try to take MY MONEY so a strange internet man will love her (Nigerian gang got her money btw, over $200,000!). She will do anything for money has always been like that.  The Nigerians promised her a million dollars and she believed it.

The two T's I spoke with never got that, that I'm friggin MAD, angry as hell!

So what do I do with this anger?  The T's were a no go after that, they tried but they made some bad decisions - I don't want  to go into it but some suggestions were right out dangerous.

I am going to take a look at that book you suggested, thank you!

Also, thank you for saying it out loud, yeah, I'm MAD!

(((Hug)))

[bloomie]

Jane Doe - Here is a link to a book review for The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren that might be helpful: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=51015.msg455174#msg455174

Here is a link to free article by McLaren that are is an emotional vocabulary: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

From childhood to adulthood I didn't develop language for the spectrum of anger or many other emotions. I was not allowed to express a wide range of emotions in my childhood to the point of my parents silencing and dominating so much of the human experience - sadness, anger, frustration... the rights and privileges of emotional experience belonged only to my parents. And their emotions were often out of control and that scared me. I had few good models for how to manage and move through the emotions my highly sensitive self was stuffing way, way down. They took up all of the oxygen in the room, always.

One of the most important works of my life has been to embrace and be able to name what I am feeling accurately, without shame, and understand what those feelings are telling me. And then, to not let my emotions run the show to the place of mistreatment and abuse of myself or another.

I did this by journaling a lot and an important piece was staying with myself when I was feeling an emotional response to something. Self abandonment when I am feeling strong, or persistent emotions, is another coping mechanism that no longer serves me. Recognizing I need to stay with myself, be present for myself, and not repeat the abandonment and punishment I experienced when I expressed an emotion that was snuffed out and labeled "wrong" "sinful" "selfish" "ugly" by my parents is still a work in progress.

And I will also say that doing inner boundary work, along with outer, managing my thoughts and beliefs recognizing the role of emotions, but not being driven by them... for example, you say you feel guilty for not contacting your mom on Mother's Day, but are you truly guilty of something?

Have you not been a loving, dedicated, sacrificial person to your mother all of your life? How long has every single day of your life been essentially Mother's Day  or belonged to your mother? How much of your emotional, spiritual, physical existence have you given over to your Mother?

By distancing yourself, however you need to, you might just be reclaiming time, space, health, financial safety, physical safety that is yours and in that space you may find room to breathe and heal and roar as you pound those keys on your laptop in a journal, or punch a pillow, or go for a run, or get in the shower and cry!!! Maybe it is not your mother's turn anymore. Just sayin'.
 

[Tribe16]

sending gentle hugs today tribe16

Thank you kindly xredshoesx