How to handle decision making

[peanuthead]

I posted here recently and have found the feedback so helpful. I have stepped back quite a bit and it has helped my mental health. Recently, on two occasions, my partner asked me to visit his parents. I had decided not to go each time and when I put the boundary, he seemed to come up with various excuses as to why I should go. In hindsight, I think he wanted to bring our dog as his father is obsessed with it (control move).

I ended up going out of guilt and discovered that he was being asked to go and 'do as he was told' to sign documents related to his house. His parents were nice to me as I was to them but it seemed very intrusive.

Since then, we have been looking at buying a car and I noticed his dad is sticking himself into the decision as my SO is allowing it. Then the other family members have started coming closer too (they are clearly communicating about this). I'm noticing that coincides with him being more critical of me.

I have started to withdraw and would rather not make big decisions right now with him as he is involving his family. What should I do?

[Rebel13]

Hi peanuthead, I wanted to clarify if your SO and you live together? You said your partner was told to sign documents "related to his house." Is that your partner's house, or your partner's father's? If it is your partner's house, do you have an interest or legal responsibility?

Regarding the car, what options do you have? For example, can you make the decision and buy the car in your name with your money (if you are not married)? Or can your partner do that on his side?

Given the complicated situation with your partner, it might be helpful to have very clear agreements about who is responsible for what, where money or property are involved, until your partner is dealing with his family in a more assertive, boundaried way.

[peanuthead]

Hey Rebel13,

He owns the house for a long time and before that, his parents did so bought it from then. They still act like they have a claim to it. It's become a big thing as his ex wife financially fleeced him. They are also  very materialistic and status oriented about who owns what etc etc.

With the car, we are going 50/50 on it but since his dad is trying to get involved, it turns me off as he is even giving opinions about my old car.
My SO messaged him about warranty when it was a simple thing to Google just to get his validation and loop him in.

I'm not sure how to talk to him about it as he won't want to listen.

[NarcKiddo]

There isn't any way you can stop him from looping his father in. I mean, you can ask him, and decide what your boundaries are. But taken to its logical conclusion that could end up with you vetoing any car 'chosen' by the father even if it is actually a good and suitable vehicle.

If you need a new car and need this transaction to proceed at some sort of normal pace then a practical solution might be to say something like;

I see you would like your father's input on the car. I don't want to have long debates about the subject. Since you do, why don't you have the discussions with your father and come up with a proposed shortlist. You and I can then decide together whether anything on the shortlist is suitable for both our requirements. Please bear in mind the car needs to have xyz attributes.

I realise my suggestion is not particularly helpful in terms of how to get him to stop being controlled by the father in the long term, but I don't think there is much you can do to influence that in any case.

I'm sorry you have this hassle.