Help me interpret this Christmas drama

Orangeblossom77 · December 28, 2025, 12:25:19 PM

Drama over Christmas here. Had uPD MIL staying. I have a newish diagnosis of ME / CFS and had ordered in pre-prepared food.

Still, the sarcastic comments started things like 'here comes the head Chef" to me "Oh, look she's rising up" (when I turned up in PJs after a nap) and drama that husband had 'cooked it all on his own' (it just needed put in the oven for goodness sake)

I tried to have patience but in the evening my husband had too much to drink and started on this rant about the internet and how it was the cause of all problems, he then took himself off to bed.

MIL started crying at the rant and then started blaming me for his drinking, saying it was due to me being on the internet

And started on about how I had been in bed all day. I reminded her that I have ME / CFS and the said 'so you say' to which I told her "it's what the doctors have told me, I have a diagnosis and it's not nice not being believed"

I started crying and she told me I needed to pull myself together, and that she 'had no sympathy for me' and that "I just didn't want to hear it"

She started saying she was going to leave, and not come for Christmas again, I said OK, go then and she told me that she would, and that then she would text him (my husband) to tell him I had told her to go.

I told her, everything is not always about her, (a mistake) because she started screaming at me and following me out of the room, telling me that was a 'horrible thing to say'

Oh dear.

Next morning she was still here, but I was in a ME crash and stayed in bed all day again, she finally went today. I could overhear her laughing and chatting with the family as if nothing had happened.

I don't think the relationship is salvageable and plan on being very distant moving forward (she is elderly and has got used to me helping her with things and for emotional support but DH will have to step up now if he wants to)

Just venting I suppose to share this with others who might understand. And yes, I do think DH might also have a drink problem which might be part of the problem but she seems to be blaming that on me. At some poi nt I did say she shouldn't talk to me like that and should speak to her son about his drinking instead, to which she said "I'm not having you put the blame on me"

Rebel13 · December 28, 2025, 01:03:38 PM

Orangeblossom77, I'm so sorry you had to cope with this during the holidays and when you weren't feeling well. It sounds like you've tried to explain your side of things and express your preferences as much as possible, given the level of intensity your MIL was engaging in. I think your idea of limiting your interactions with her going forward is a very good one. It doesn't sound like she has intentions of trying to behave differently and repair her relationship with you. I also support your stance that your relationship with your husband is between the two of you; those issues are yours to work out, and she needs to stay out of it and work on her own relationship with him.

It's always so disheartening and discouraging the way PD people use occasions that should be happy togetherness times to take out their feelings on other people. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you did your best and you have a good plan for the future.

May 2026 be better!

Orangeblossom77 · December 30, 2025, 07:09:14 AM

Thank you for your thoughtful reply

Call Me Cordelia · December 30, 2025, 07:41:50 AM

Yikes. I think her idea of not coming again for Christmas is a very good one. The blame and shame are strong with her. Having any houseguests at all is difficult with a chronic illness, and having toxic people around takes all my spoons on a good day. I support your dropping the rope here. Somebody who repeatedly devalues you the way you wrote, and then turns around and screams you're horrible for daring to say everything isn't about her, is showing you exactly who she is. She has no sympathy for you. She doesn't want to hear it. Well. Since you do in fact exist and are mistress of your own home, I think you are right to oblige her by not bringing her into your castle anymore.

It's a horrible feeling and so so wrong to be cast aside and suffer alone in your own home. Who else was there? "Laughing and chatting with the family," after shocking rudeness while the hostess lies sick in bed indeed! Miss Manners firmly disapproves such goings-on. Where was DH in all this? You mentioned his one drunken rant, but otherwise he is Sir Not Appearing in This Post.

Orangeblossom77 · December 30, 2025, 08:15:25 AM

Thanks for the reply. The first evening, he went to bed. The next day he was e.g. cooking, tidying up etc. Bringing me cups of coffee in bed, very sorry about his drunken state the day before.

Orangeblossom77 · December 30, 2025, 10:31:46 AM

A relative said to wait and see how things look when the dust settles, and to try not to worry what other people think, but I think it's pretty clear and that makes it sound like my problem rather than hers

Rebel13 · December 30, 2025, 04:03:06 PM

Well, not worrying about what other people think might be good advice -- especially if they are trying to minimize the situation, your feelings etc. -- but I seriously doubt things will be any different "when the dust settles." It sounds like this is not your first rodeo with her, and people who behave in these ways are very unlikely to change, IME.

Take care of you!

Orangeblossom77 · December 30, 2025, 04:29:09 PM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on December 30, 2025, 07:41:50 AMWhere was DH in all this? You mentioned his one drunken rant, but otherwise he is Sir Not Appearing in This Post.

Sorry, I forgot to mention, I did not mention the argument until she had left. I was in a ME/CFS crash

Orangeblossom77 · December 30, 2025, 04:32:23 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on December 30, 2025, 04:03:06 PMWell, not worrying about what other people think might be good advice -- especially if they are trying to minimize the situation, your feelings etc. -- but I seriously doubt things will be any different "when the dust settles." It sounds like this is not your first rodeo with her, and people who behave in these ways are very unlikely to change, IME.

Take care of you!

Thanks, yes you're right there have been other times. Other times she has gone on negatively about my career, saying it is 'such a shame' and 'such a waste' I was too ill to continue, rather than focusing on the good things I have been able to do like raise a family.

She apologised after that but it was all about how supportive I / we (husband and I) had been to her, rather than a proper apology for how it had made me feel

I have given her a chance in the past but this time feels different and more final.

Orangeblossom77 · January 06, 2026, 10:02:15 AM

Moving on from this, I have since messaged her to say that due to my symptoms being worse, I won't be meeting up with her for the foreseeable and to contact my husband if she wants to arrange to see him etc. No reply. I'm worrying now she might just turn up at the weekend. I mean it's true, I'm not up for visits right now (especially drama etc) and I know, it is best not to JADE and maybe I should have just said I'm not going to meet up...oh well it is done now.