Wife vs. son: I am the man in the middle (again)

[escapingman]

If your son was physically or sexually abused, would you still wait for him to decide if he want to continue being abused when 18.

Emotional abuse is as bad as that if not worse, but not visible.

[Rebel13]

RE: The therapist's comment, I have heard people say that therapists have admitted that they give a PD person "strokes" in order to keep them in therapy. So the therapist may or may not have sincerely meant the comment about your wife.

Hoping you and your son can find some good ways to cope with the stress and work on getting your own needs met.

[IsleOfSong]

RE: The therapist's comment, I have heard people say that therapists have admitted that they give a PD person "strokes" in order to keep them in therapy. So the therapist may or may not have sincerely meant the comment about your wife.

That is entirely possible. And this was the first time they ever spoke, so people tend to default to being cordial. I am inclined to call the therapist separately to loop her in on the dynamic between my wife and our son, if for no other reason than to save her the effort of digging for that piece of what's troubling my son.

[Defiantdaughter1]

As a teacher, I've seen highly intelligent and brilliant kids have trouble with these things. It's not easy to explain. I think they try too hard sometimes or get stressed out. A mental block can form in the mind of any student. It's often how students' brains are wired. Stress can also be at the root of a mental block. Some parents make the situation worse by telling their kids their futures are shot simply because they can't get accepted to an Ivy League school. Some parents flip out over one B and tell their kids they have ruined their lives.

[IsleOfSong]

As a teacher, I've seen highly intelligent and brilliant kids have trouble with these things. It's not easy to explain. I think they try too hard sometimes or get stressed out. A mental block can form in the mind of any student. It's often how students' brains are wired. Stress can also be at the root of a mental block. Some parents make the situation worse by telling their kids their futures are shot simply because they can't get accepted to an Ivy League school. Some parents flip out over one B and tell their kids they have ruined their lives.

Yikes. My wife, thankfully, is not nearly at that level. Occasionally she will praise him on his good grades, etc., but more often she just assumes he is lazy and wants to take the easy way out on things, and her catastrophizing ramps up pressure on him and undermines any sense of accomplishment or autonomy he may be developing.

He starts with his new therapist today, and yesterday on our dad-son day trip we made to the beach and a record store he told me that he plans to be open with the therapist about the SAT and things in general. I told him that I support him and will always have his back, on this and everything else.

[IsleOfSong]

Update: He is not going to take the SAT. He had a frank talk with his college coach, and she agreed (in an email to me and his mom) that the stress of him taking the test would massively outweigh the slim chance that he'd score high enough to even merit submitting his scores to the schools he's applying to (and again, don't even require applicants to take the SAT). So thankfully that is that.

[bloomie]

IsleOfSong - Yay!! Great update! How helpful to have a neutral third party support his thinking and decision in this. Wonderful step toward further empowering him.

[IsleOfSong]

Thank you! Naturally, this turn of events led to several days of my wife not speaking to our son, presumably since PDs view everything as a zero-sum game and she needed to regain "control" of him somehow. Last night, I pointedly told her her that her continued silent treatment of him is downright abusive, and she responded by becoming violently ill overnight (I ignored her puking sounds, as there would be no benefit to my checking on her). Now she's at least speaking a bit to him, albeit by text (she just left for a three-night business trip). Never a dull moment around here.

[Rebel13]

Hang in there! This is a win for your son, don't lose sight of that. Good on you for supporting him through this.

[IsleOfSong]

Hang in there! This is a win for your son, don't lose sight of that. Good on you for supporting him through this.

Thanks, Rebel! There's no losing sight here — I will take the win!