End of life care and “arrangements”

[Liketheducks]

I've been NC or VLC contact for about the last decade with both parents.   They're both in failing health.   I'm sure it will hit me when they pass, but at this point.... I feel like I've already mourned the parents I didn't have.   

I'm at a loss for planning at this point.   I know that it will be coming.   My father's wife, who've I've never met, occasionally lets me know what's going on with him.   But, usually it feels like it is down because she's expecting me to step in a help.   Can't blame her.   It has to be a lot.   

I'm not sure how or if I even want to be involved.   What do estranged adult children do?

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm permanently NC with my dad's entire family with the exception of my eF.  I have minimal contact with uNM's entire family.  A few months ago both grandmothers (one on each side) were hospitalized at the same time for the same thing, & both were critical.  Considering my eF is ESL (English as a second language), I offered to write his mother's obituary so he didn't have to ask someone.  I googled the basic obituary format, wrote it up, & sent it to him.  All he needs to do is replace the all caps words with the info & send it in.  I did the same for uNM's mother & emailed it to Sis2, telling her to pass my work off as hers.  I did the same for both parents, keeping eF's & emailing uNM's to Sis2 with the same instruction.  So this, at least, is off everyone's plate.  That's the extent of my involvement.

You can choose whatever makes you happy.  Or whatever brings you the most peace or fewest regrets.  Whatever the driving force behind your choice, rest assured it's the right one.

Your father's wife is his next of kin (at least in the US).  She can have her thoughts all she wants, but you don't have to feel obligated to fulfill whatever thoughts or expectations she has of you.  He's not safe for you.  That's all she needs to know.  Besides, you can't do anything to help her since she's got the decision-making power here.  Tadaaaa.

[Liketheducks]

In this case, I doubt there will be any recognition of his passing unless I do get involved.   None of his family has contact with him.   As far as I know, neither does hers.

[DaisyGirl77]

Do you want his death recognized?  Is that duty/obligation speaking, or do you want it to be so?  Or would it bring you more peace to allow his death to be unrecognized & just a blip in the cosmos?  Would that bring you relief or regret?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think you can choose your level of involvement based on whatever you deem will give you peace. It might be fortunate if your dad's wife is well enough to manage his end-of-life needs. If she needs help, perhaps there is someone close in her life who can assist. I guess I say that because I do not believe this is a responsibility you have to own.   
         
I recently had this same decision to make. In my case both parents were unwell. Neither one was taking care of themself or each other. I was VLC with them for nearly 7 years and NC with my only GC sibling. I would briefly visit, and I felt I was witnessing a train wreck. I still did not rush in to fix anything because I thought their GC daughter should be the one to address their situation. She never did though. I saw their living conditions deteriorate to a point where I could no longer remain as an uninvolved witness. I spent the following six weeks moving them to Assisted Living. When they moved in, I faded back to VLC to the point now I am NC. I have no idea what is happening with any of them, and I do not want to know.   

My experience may be different from yours, but I regret having involved myself in anything. I think the reason is that I underestimated how overwhelming I would find it to be involved with intimate details of my parent's lives and the emotional rollercoaster for end-of-life care after having been VLC for so many years. I had peace without them, and nothing but chaos when I dabbled in their lives no matter how briefly it was.

Wishing you peace and clarity in the days ahead.     

[Liketheducks]

Blueberry Pancakes.....That's my fear.   I know that no one else will step in.   At the moment, Dad's wife is nearly my age and his caregiver.   She has said that she may have to opt for assisted living soon.   Though, I'm not sure if that was a "I'm overwhelmed and his care is becoming too much" OR "If you don't step up, I'm warehousing him in a home" situation.   From where I sit, it sounded like the later.   Though, these interactions stir up the FOG exponentially.  And, I'm not certain.

Daisy Girl.....I don't want to be involved.   I've had this morbid sense that when he passes I can finally breathe.   I'll finally be safe from him.   Also, I'm certain that it won't nearly be as simple as all that.  Though, it saddens me that someone would pass with so few people mourning the loss.   I don't know why exactly.   He obviously made the choices that landed him in this situation.  Even if his wife planned something, I'm certain that I wouldn't want to be there.  When people talk about our family tree in generations to come, none of his family will say good things.   He's asked me to come visit him.   I can talk on the phone, because it provides me with a much easier opportunity to have to go.   I feel like that is a kindness I can give.   Those calls are less than a dozen a year.   I cannot and will not be in the same room.   When I have in the past, I get triggered into a space where I am no longer a middle aged professional and more like a 10 yr old helpless girl.   

For my mom, I think there will be enough family around who may still want to observe her passing....and I think I can be involved there.   At least she eventually left her and our abuser, as monumentally difficult as that is.   But, she definitely has plenty of dysfunction to go around.  My siblings and I latched on to her as the "stable" parent, but she was also far from that.  Once they separated, she placed each of us firmly in the persecutor role of the drama triangle, alternating all the siblings.  I feel sad for her.

I'm watching friends follow this same path, preparing themselves for this.   "But they're your Mother/Father" pops into my head a lot.