Do I explain

[Deby64]

Rebel13, thanks that was a good read. I'm going to BBB, backup/breath/be quite. This will help me gather my thoughts. I'm not trying to give him my life as I walk away. Thanks for the grounding session.

[Rebel13]

You are the bomb, Deby, hang in there.

[MaxedOut]

I would add... besides not committing to specifics, a thing that becomes clear in divorce (just did that), especially with someone who has PD, is not to discuss stuff as items. It will be a package and should be negotiated as such. A PD person is likely to focus in one single things, use emotional blackmail, anger, etc. to get a painful give. The repeat with another thing. And soon it is both totally unbalanced for each thing, the total settlement is totally off kilter. The book Splitting is a great resource and prep.

With only a couple of exceptions, I respectfully kept from discussing commitments about specific things. Because it all depends. Keep it at stuff like:
- Here is/you will get a proposed settlement agreement covering the house and other assets.
- [in response to demands about X things] I don't know. It depends on the overall agreement.
- [in response to reactions about specific proposed things] That was my proposed settlement. You are free to counter. I won't commit to or negotiate things in isolation. Please send your counter.
- [if they start bullying or won't stop on specific stuff] Please send any questions on anything related to the divorce settlement to my lawyer. (Splitting has a bunch of information on options pathways, but regardless, protecting yourself from abuse and bullying is important, with or without a lawyer).

The other thing Splitting (and this site) helped me understand is most likely the PD will expect and demand infinity. They will be angry no matter how much you bend or sacrifice your best interests or fairness. So preemptively offering more than fair arrangements means the same attempts for more, the same guilt, etc. just has a different starting line and a far worse finish line.

The protection against further bullying, anger, resentment, etc. is not found by handing over more (arguably that can make it *worse* by rewarding the behavior).

It is about setting boundaries, getting physical distance (hopefully another address but if not, separation within space), controlling communication more, taking care of yourself and leaning on your support network, and not getting in the mud over specific arrangements (this will be conflict for conflict's sale and for getting more).

It can be helpful to think through some convo-stop answers to rehearse and have one hand "Right now I am focusing on healing." "I don't know what that looks like but it will be part of the divorce process." "I understand you are concerned about that but I don't want to talk about that right now/without legal advice/directly" "I made my decision that I want a divorce. Coming to a settlement about the house is part of a whole process that will come." "If you are worried about something happening suddenly, that is not my intent and we can get a temporary separation agreement set up as the divorce details get worked through."

[Deby64]

Ok, update on my current situation. I had a total right hip replacement on Friday. I posted elsewhere how horrible that experience was with my updn-H. I printed out a divorce decree to which he agreed to. It leaves him living in our home, me paying the mortgage. He gives up all rights to my retirement, 401 and any other assets I may have. I will remain 50% owner of our home until it's paid off. Just did a refinance so that's a good 15 years. Found a home to move into and will have family clean it and help me move my things out of our home. Updn-H vacillating from sweet let me help you to rage, you not leaving me,I'm the one that wants you gone. Can't believe you are throwing away 40 years because you can't submit to me.  My daughter praise God is being my rock, telling me set a firm boundary, don't allow him to help or come to the new place. He is really working on continues rage because every utility in our home is in my name. He wants me to leave it that way. I told him no, but I'd get the financial responsibilities put in his name on his SS#, I'm transferring my utilities so I don't have to pay new deposits. This is one of hardest emotional things I've done. I'm  doing my best to detach from emotions, stop feeling sorry for him and do what's in my best interest. Hope to be fully out within the week. I'm putting lots of pressure on my recent hip surgery, but I want my freedom and the opportunity seems to be here now.

[Rebel13]

Amazing Deby, you are moving FAST now that you have had enough. To take on all of this after a major surgery -- it's a lot. I'm guessing you are toughing it out until you can get to your safe, peaceful space? And that a lot of pain and grieving might come up for you once you have that? Please hang in there and keep taking care of YOU, leaning on trustworthy supports like your daughter. And let us know how you are doing.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Deby. Please consider hiring a lawyer to at least look at the divorce agreement and tell you whether it is enforceable and whether it is likely to be approved by the court.

[Deby64]

Rebel and Poison, thanks for the care and support. Made an appointment for both of us to see a lawyer Thursday morning. The grief is kicking my butt. I fight back tears and anger all day long. He's been keeping his distance from me so no real bad rages. He makes a negative comment each time he comes on the house about how I have stressed him out and caused him to loose weight. If I would have just followed his lead and been submissive we wouldn't have to do this. I get so angry with his irrational thoughts and behaviors. If I was as bad as he tell himself why didn't he leave me 40 years ago🤷🏾�♀️ I'm holding my tongue because I know he won't hear me or own anything. This radical acceptance is a beast🤣🤣🤣
Please continue to pray for me as I navigate through this.

[Deby64]

Maxedout, you wisdom, strength and hope was so important and helpful. Having words prepared to respond is some of why he's not raging. I'm not playing the game. Grateful for contacting a lawyer. I was so done I myself was being irrational and impulsive. Thanks for your help and support.