Update on mum's health and musings

[TimetoHeal]

Good Pesto's analysis is so on-point!  It gives you a lot to think about, doesn't it?

As far as replying to your mother's text, I totally don't suggest it, but it's one of those times that makes me want to be so snarky and petty and say something like, "Oh, I'm fine, just over here being manipulated by Partner!  How are you?".  Of course, you're not going to stoop that low, and oh, all the drama it would cause, but it's just a wee bit tempting, right?   

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, Rebel
My friend thought that this is a good sign in the spirit of reconciliation. I said no, this is her fear of losing control over me and her desire to bring the 'balance' back to both of us pretending everything is fine. There is absolutely no way that she has reexamined her behaviour and thought it might have been wrong. I simply upset the equilibrium by voicing my anger and placing responsibility on her.

Yeah, people who don't have first-hand knowledge, as I assume your friend doesn't, would tend to make that supposition. But you're right - this is not anything other than her desire to sweep it under the rug. You didn't capitulate and this is an unpleasant situation for her which must be got rid of somehow. Plus silence from you = no supply and that is also unacceptable for her. No reply needed other than some boring, bland puff of nothing if you are so inclined.

[walking on broken glass]

As far as replying to your mother's text, I totally don't suggest it, but it's one of those times that makes me want to be so snarky and petty and say something like, "Oh, I'm fine, just over here being manipulated by Partner!  How are you?".  Of course, you're not going to stoop that low, and oh, all the drama it would cause, but it's just a wee bit tempting, right?

Hahaha I made the same joke to my partner. I said what if I replied, we are fine, I am just filling in an excel sheet with all my belongings for my partner so that he knows what exactly there is for him to steal 😂

[walking on broken glass]

New developments: I talked to my aunt! She ended up calling me and I am convinced my mum put her up to this. She was genuinely concerned and listened to me with affection BUT she is unable to see this for what it is. She is what Dr Ramani would call a 'minimiser'. She said that this is a misunderstanding, and how did it get so out of hand, and surely I must sit down with mum and explain to her that she misunderstood, and mum is not well and if I don't go to see her, I will feel bad, and what if she dies and I don't see her, I won't be able to stand the guilt etc etc. She never actually acknowledged that what my mum said was terrible and unjustified. She just tried to play it down. She also offered the usual cliches that 'family is everything', 'they are the only people who truly love you', 'you should always do what YOU want to do and not be influenced by anyone else'. At first I tried to explain my stance and show her that this is not a misunderstanding that will be resolved by a chat, that it's not on me to fix because I didn't create it, I am the victim of it, and that I am just trying to protect myself from further harm. But when she kept repeating the same lines, I gave up, said I disagree, and told her I need to go. A very underwhelming conversation but at least I now know with certainty what she believes.

[Rebel13]

GoodPesto, that breakdown is awesome. This is exactly what my mother did during our last conversation, continually changing the goalposts and the subject under discussion. There's almost a randomness to it, to see what they can throw out that we'll grab hold of. It kind of leaves the head spinning.

WOBG, I'm so sorry about your aunt. I was sort of hoping that she'd be someone who could maintain relationships with the both of you without taking sides, but clearly that's not the case. My grandmother (also a uPD of some kind) used to try that line about "family loves you the most" etc. with me. But it's so clear, if we're actually THINKING, that everyone else in our lives treats us BETTER than these problematic family members. I mean, people at the customer service desk at the grocery store treat me better than many of my family members.

As you said, at least you know how your aunt thinks, and you can put her on the same information diet as your mom and sister, or whatever other self-protective measures make sense for you. I'm sure it hurts though.

[NarcKiddo]

At least you know where your aunt stands. I'm sorry she is buying into the cliche. I totally hate the message that "only family truly love you" because that was rammed down my throat from infancy on. If that was love, what on EARTH awaited me in the big world outside???

[walking on broken glass]

Yes, they really did prime us for a world of abusive relationships, didn't they? Everything is justified and excused in the name of 'love'.

[TimetoHeal]

Aw, I'm sorry, WOBG.  Like NarcKiddo and Rebel said, at least you know now. 

I am excited for you that your instincts told you even before that your aunt probably needed to be on an information diet and that she was at least somewhat in the FOG, and that you heeded that!  I really think that shows a lot of growth and healing. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to Heal

To quote Jane Austen's Emma: I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise.