Update on mum's health and musings

[walking on broken glass]

My mum has finished with both her chemo treatments and her surgery. Everything went well, as well as it could go, and she doesn't need to have more chemo treatments, the doctor said. She has a long recovery but there is no more hills to climb, as it were, in the immediate future. I called her today and she said she will go to the holiday home on Thursday; my aunt and uncle will drive her there, and since they have a holiday home nearby I assume they will keep an eye on her and bring her groceries etc. Last year, my partner and I would go shopping for her (you need a car to get about and my mum doesn't drive) but this year she will need to find another solution. My mum still hasn't asked me whether I plan to visit, which is remarkable. Perhaps she has realized I won't or she is secretly hoping I will change my mind. Who knows.

I've been thinking (yet again!) about my aunt, my dad's sister. I haven't been in touch with her and she hasn't called me either. I find this strange because she would normally get in touch to ask when I am planning to visit and how long I will stay. Her silence is puzzling. Part of me feels that I should pick up the phone and explain my absence to her, lay out the facts as they happened, and let her decide what she wants to believe. On the other hand, I really don't want to stir up the subject with anyone in the family, who won't be fully supportive (i.e. noone!) and I get annoyed that it falls to me to do the difficult work again, to fill in the blanks for her, and explain and justify myself (doesn't this fall under JADE?). I don't know what she has heard from other sources (like my mum or my sister) but shouldn't she be the one to reach out and ask, if she really wants to find out what is going on? But then again, she is really fond of me and she has always been loving and warm-hearted, so perhaps I owe her an explanation? Is my reluctance to talk to her a sign of weakness and immaturity? I am so confused and I cannot seem to make up my mind (as you can tell by my continuous posts!).

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG,

How wonderful that your mother's health is at a stable point now, and there is nothing immediate to worry about any more!  I know how much the surgery was weighing on you for months, and now it's over!!  See, and you didn't need to be there at all, and she came through just fine.   

Oh, boy, my mom is the queen of wanting people to read her mind and not asking directly for what she wants, especially if she suspects the answer will be "no".  It's a manipulation tactic, and good on you for not falling for it.

I vote for not bringing up the subject with your aunt.  I think it does fall under JADE.  We don't owe explanations, even to people we trust and are close to.  They may mean well, but that doesn't mean they will understand or give us the support we need.  Why stir up a hornet's nest, so to speak?  If she was curious, she could ask you.  She could be playing the same game your mother is in waiting you out, or she could just be minding her own business.  Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume the second option.  There's no need for an explanation! 

I can relate to what you're going through so much, WOBG, that even when you have physically removed yourself from the FOG, you are still giving up a lot of mental space to all the mechanisms of what's going on.  It's so hard not to!  But try to relax and enjoy your freedom and this time of respite from any health crises! 

[Rebel13]

WOBG, I'm really glad to hear your mom got through her treatment OK.

I love TimetoHeal's thoughts. When I was reading your post, I kept wondering if you WANT to talk to your aunt. That would be a great reason to call her -- "Hi, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I really appreciate all the support you've been giving Mom. How are you doing with that hobby we both enjoy yadda yadda."  Etc. etc. Whatever rings true and authentic for YOU.

It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of "shoulds" though, and not so much warm feelings of affection or appreciation for your aunt. Which is fine! But I agree with you that calling her under those circumstances -- under the impetus of FOG -- probably isn't going to lead to an enjoyable outcome for you or her.

It's really OK to mind your own business unless and until you want to contact someone or until they contact you. It's OK to send a nice card if that feels good. You don't have to caretake other adults. We're so trained that everyone else's needs and feelings are super important, and ours are not, and/or our every move requires justification. But those beliefs really aren't true.

I hope you get some peace.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to Heal and Rebel!

We don't owe explanations, even to people we trust and are close to.

I love this. And you hit the nail on the head, I do feel like I owe an explanation, and this feeling annoys me because it already puts me in a defensive position.

Rebel, you are right that I don't really want to talk to my aunt and that there are a lot of 'shoulds' in my head. And even though I love her so much and I am grateful for everything she's done for me, I have put her on an information diet, alongside the rest of my family, for many years, because she is also in the FOG. I do feel more relaxed around her and able to talk about stuff that I wouldn't bring up with other family members, but there is always a limit as to how much I can share.

About 10 years ago, I broke up with my then boyfriend, with whom I had been going out for many years. It wasn't a good relationship and he was taking advantage of me and gaslighting me in many ways (financial and emotional abuse). My parents disliked him for the wrong reasons (they disagreed with him on politics and he was an atheist, so basically they disliked him for the reasons that made him a suitable match for me 😂) and when we broke up, I didn't tell them because I couldn't handle their comments. It was before Christmas and I would normally spend all the holidays back home but this time I only stayed a few days and flew back to have New Year's on my own with friends. My aunt then wrote an email to me to ask me if I was alright and to tell me that I could talk to her, if I wanted to, because she could sense that something was wrong. I appreciated the sentiment but I didn't feel like talking so I just said to her that everything was ok and she shouldn't worry.

I am sharing this memory here for two reasons. One, back then my aunt did reach out when she felt something was off and showed concern about me, unlike now. And even though I wasn't ready to talk, I knew she cared. But also, importantly, I didn't feel I could confide in her back then, even when she did give me the chance, which shows the limits in our relationship. In fact, I never talked to her about this ex, even when it came out that we had broken up, and she never asked me, even though she had met him.

Family has never been a safe haven for me, even with people who are not as far entangled in this toxic web. I always felt the odd one out.

[Rebel13]

Family has never been a safe haven for me, even with people who are not as far entangled in this toxic web. I always felt the odd one out.

I very much hear you on this. It seems like not contacting your aunt is the right decision for you right now, and that's perfectly fine. I hope you can think/hear/feel/believe that you aren't doing anything wrong -- you are taking care of yourself based on your knowledge and experiences. 

[walking on broken glass]

Well it finally happened. My mum after being very passive aggressive, saying how difficult it is for her to be all alone in the holiday home with no one to do the shopping for her, she came out and asked me whether we are going there for the summer. I said no and she asked why, I said I don't feel comfortable or welcome after the way you spoke to me at Christmas. She said but you will be in a separate flat, I said that's not the issue. Do you remember what you told me? You called me a greedy thief, you said I was planning to steal your money while my dad was lying dead and that I blocked your access to your accounts. She said I never said that! I never accused you! I only said that your partner was making you do that and that he is controlling you. So, I said, you think it's ok to accuse my partner of these things and to claim I am being manipulated? This is so unfair and unjustified.
-Oh but I have proof, I never speak without proof. I have spoken to the bank and they told me that you accessed the account.
- First of all that's laughable and second, why don't we call the bank together and ask? See what they say?
- Yeah right we are going to make a fool of ourselves to the BANK 😂 And why didn't your partner call me to defend himself against the accusations? That means he is guilty!
- What can someone possibly say to defend themselves against a fantastic scenario that you just made up? This is pointless (mind you they don't even speak the same language, like literally!)

As you can tell, nothing new came out of the conversation, except that she told me that she has spoken to my aunt (the one I was contemplating calling). She denied responsibility, claimed that I am being controlled by my partner and she is worried about me, that I have cut myself off from the whole family - at which point I told her that she cut me off by believing and spreading those horrible things about me. We ended the phone call with me saying that I love her, I want her to get better and be well, but I can't go see her. She said yeah, ok, if that's what you think, and 'I pray that I am wrong'.

No surprises there. But I feel good that I confronted her and told her what has been going through my mind the last few months. All the conversations I was rehearsing in the shower paid off. Of course materially nothing has changed, only the gap has widened even further. But I can't do anything about that.

[Rebel13]

Wow. That is a lot! You sound like you are doing OK with it, which is great. Maybe it helps to have confirmation that that stuff is in her mind, even when she is not saying it? That it wasn't just a one-off during a difficult time? I can imagine lots of feelings could get sparked by that conversation.

Hope you're OK today.

[TimetoHeal]

I read this earlier before I was heading for work and didn't have time to reply then.  But I felt a twist in my gut when I read that your mom said that to you.  Ugh. Does she somehow think it's better if she thinks it's your partner as opposed to you?  Good grief.   

I'm glad you got the validation you may have needed and "got the conversation out of the way". No more elephant in the room at least.  Like Rebel said, now you have no misgivings about what is going on inside her head. 

Be gentle with yourself if this brings up different emotions as you process it. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel and Time to heal!
I felt really drained and exhausted today. My partner thinks I should call my aunt and talk to her, give her my side of things, now that we know my mum has spoken to her. I will sit on it for a few days. The idea of having a conversation with her about this makes me sweat and shake, so I am not sure I want to do it.
I am guessing that the news will now circulate widely since I officially confirmed I am not going. I might get messages from flying monkeys to tell me how horrible I am.

[Rebel13]

Seconding TimetoHeal on being kind to yourself. Extra kind.

You also don't have to speak to/read messages from flying monkeys if you don't want to. Maybe your partner would listen to voicemail or read texts for you? That has helped me a lot since being NC with my mom. You could also consider turning off notifications etc., at least for a while.

Hang in there. It's really shitty to hear something like this from someone we've cared for.

[walking on broken glass]

I don't know why but I feel worse today. Yesterday I felt really tired. Today I feel really sad. I am also making doomsday scenarios about what might come next. Are my sister and mum going to escalate somehow? Should I be prepared in some way? It's awful 😞

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know why but I feel worse today. Yesterday I felt really tired. Today I feel really sad. I am also making doomsday scenarios about what might come next. Are my sister and mum going to escalate somehow? Should I be prepared in some way? It's awful 😞

I'm sorry, but also not surprised. This is likely what I would do in a similar situation. However, you have shown to yourself that you were able to handle the situation very well when your mother brought up the subject. I hope this can give you some confidence that if your sister and mother do escalate you are capable od dealing with that, too. If you are able not to give headspace to catastrophising about this it will likely help you regulate your emotions - but I know how hard it can be not to catastrophise and plan for every possible scenario.

[TimetoHeal]

I don't know why but I feel worse today. Yesterday I felt really tired. Today I feel really sad. I am also making doomsday scenarios about what might come next. Are my sister and mum going to escalate somehow? Should I be prepared in some way? It's awful 😞

I'm so sorry WOBG. That's why I mentioned about processing it, because I know that is exactly how my mind works after an encounter with my mother.  I almost dissociate at the time out of self-preservation, then as the days progress, I process and pick apart exactly what was said and the implications of it. Then the feelings start coming!  Give yourself plenty of time to feel what you feel, but like NarcKiddo said, try not to catastrophize if possible.  Do you have a therapist session coming up where you can have some help processing this?

Also, I know I seem to say this ad nauseam, but listen to your gut regarding your aunt.  Fear is often there for a good reason, to protect us, and we are taught to override those instincts, unfortunately.  The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker is a great book on this!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, NarcKiddo and Time to Heal.
You are right, it takes time for the feelings to really sink in. I always underestimate the draining effect of such conversations. I have a therapy session coming up next week.

However, you have shown to yourself that you were able to handle the situation very well when your mother brought up the subject. I hope this can give you some confidence that if your sister and mother do escalate you are capable od dealing with that, too.

Thank you for that, NarcKiddo! I will try to remember it in the days to come.

Thanks for the book suggestion, Time to Heal! I have heard of this book but haven't read it. I think I will listen to my body. I am going home soon and will see my cat, and I am sure this will make it all better!

[TimetoHeal]

I am going home soon and will see my cat, and I am sure this will make it all better!

Cats make EVERYTHING better!! 

[walking on broken glass]

I didn't speak to my mum since our last conversation. I wasn't planning to call her anytime soon. I want to take a little break. But she messaged me today (she never messages but she made an exception) and asked me how we are doing and if everything is ok. The plural is annoying me so much, after everything she has said. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ignore the message but I don't want to start a conversation either so I think I will just reply yeah, everything is fine. My guess is she is stressing that I might go no contact and she wants to make sure this doesn't happen.

[Rebel13]

Yep, when they sense distance they have to start hoovering you back, don't they?

A simple reply seems fine to me! Yep, busy, doing fine, thanks for asking. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel
My friend thought that this is a good sign in the spirit of reconciliation. I said no, this is her fear of losing control over me and her desire to bring the 'balance' back to both of us pretending everything is fine. There is absolutely no way that she has reexamined her behaviour and thought it might have been wrong. I simply upset the equilibrium by voicing my anger and placing responsibility on her.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Wobg,
I shook my head when I read the conversation between your mum and yourself. This is crazy-making. Did you see what she did? Feel free to ignore the following if you do not feel like getting into this atm or ever again.

whether we are going there for the summer. I said no and she asked why, I said I don't feel comfortable or welcome after the way you spoke to me at Christmas.
-> This is a very open and honest answer. A healthy grown up who feels close to you would at least partially acknowledge that and your vulnerability (somehow you got hurt).

She said but you will be in a separate flat, I said that's not the issue.
-> Complete lack of expressed interest in what you are referring to. Maybe she is well aware and helpless (e.g. wants this solved quickly), maybe she can't be bothered.   
Do you remember what you told me? You called me a greedy thief, you said I was planning to steal your money while my dad was lying dead and that I blocked your access to your accounts.
-> Here comes your accusation. You are offering a conflict which is in general a promising approach when your counterpart remains cluecless about your seriousness on the matter.
She said I never said that! I never accused you!
-> Assuming that you do recall this event correctly, her reply is straight denial. She is probably aware enough that you would be well within your rights to question her memory if she would leave it like that, so what follows is a change of the story which puts you in the position of "remembering it wrong".
I only said that your partner was making you do that and that he is controlling you.
-> The word "only" seems weird here. The wrong story gets minimized while the new content is quite explosive.
So, I said, you think it's ok to accuse my partner of these things and to claim I am being manipulated? This is so unfair and unjustified.
-> You take the wrong story serious and react on it. I think that's where toxicity enters your bloodstream so to say.
 
-Oh but I have proof, I never speak without proof. I have spoken to the bank and they told me that you accessed the account.
-> The wrong story gets solidified with a "never"-statement, which is an alarm signal itself. She is now buying into her own made up stuff that wasn't a reality ever until two seconds ago but your reaction helped her make it one. So, why not make up another thing: A call that makes you the "thief" again.
- First of all that's laughable and second, why don't we call the bank together and ask? See what they say?
-> You are calling her out and are openly challenging her second made up reality.
- Yeah right we are going to make a fool of ourselves to the BANK 😂 And why didn't your partner call me to defend himself against the accusations? That means he is guilty!
-> Another twist: as if you must be nuts to suggest this, not herself by putting another lie on top of the lie. And now your partner is being focused again. That "worked well" last time.
- What can someone possibly say to defend themselves against a fantastic scenario that you just made up? This is pointless
-> That's where it becomes clear again that you do see the crazyness of the change of the story, but she had by then at least partially succeeded to weave you in.

That you had been hurt last time (the initial topic you had put on the table) has been successully and completely ignored by throwing around made up realities and playing ping pong with who to focus on. You must have been hurt again and it is no wonder you felt bad the days after.

You will be able to make something out of it in the end, I am positive. Take good care of yourself.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, Good Pesto! This is a very astute analysis and you are 100% right. It also confirms one more time why one shouldn't engage in this crazy talk.