The push for ‘forgiveness‘ by the church

[olivegirl]

No Contact has made it easier for me to forgive my malignant narc mother and sociopathic father.

I feel peace and I feel safe now that I do not communicate with them in any way.

Even low contact brought up feelings of high anxiety, anger, deep hurt, humiliation.

Now I no longer look over my shoulder, hypervigilant that my toxic parents have smeared me again or trying to again financially exploit me.

I can just focus on gratitude and self-care.

Whether I choose to forgive or not is between God and me.  And the path to forgiveness has made my faith stronger.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is a traditional list of nine ways to be accessory to another's sin. I found it in an old book I'm using for homeschooling, but I've seen it other places too, old prayer books and examinations of conscience and such. We are all affected by other people's sins, whether we are directly harmed or not. And our response cannot be truly neutral either. But it seemed especially pertinent to this discussion today:

By counsel
By command
By consent
By provocation
By praise or flattery
By concealment
By partaking
By silence
By defense of the ill done

That last one is a kicker. Anything that smacks of minimization of harm, DARVO, "Don't rock the boat" syndrome, anything in the self-serving denial category, gives that person some culpability in the sin of the abuser. That's a big deal. It made me stop in my tracks today. The Lord truly does care for his little ones.

[The_Inversed_Sight]

This is a traditional list of nine ways to be accessory to another's sin. I found it in an old book I'm using for homeschooling, but I've seen it other places too, old prayer books and examinations of conscience and such. We are all affected by other people's sins, whether we are directly harmed or not. And our response cannot be truly neutral either. But it seemed especially pertinent to this discussion today:

By counsel
By command
By consent
By provocation
By praise or flattery
By concealment
By partaking
By silence
By defense of the ill done

That last one is a kicker. Anything that smacks of minimization of harm, DARVO, "Don't rock the boat" syndrome, anything in the self-serving denial category, gives that person some culpability in the sin of the abuser. That's a big deal. It made me stop in my tracks today. The Lord truly does care for his little ones.

I love this list! Do you perhaps know the name of the book you found it in? It sounds like a fascinating read

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's in The New Roman Missal edited by Father Lasance.

[recallblushing]

Your experience is incredibly valid, and I'm so sorry you went through such trauma. You've raised crucial points about the complex relationship between faith, abuse, and healing.
Key thoughts:
Forgiveness has been often misunderstood and misused in religious contexts
Setting boundaries is not un-Christian - it's actually essential for wellbeing
Anger can be a healthy, protective response to abuse
True healing doesn't require maintaining relationships with abusers
"Honor thy mother" doesn't mean accepting abuse
The idea that victims must forgive and maintain relationships with unrepentant abusers is dangerous. Jesus himself set boundaries and spoke against religious hypocrisy. While performing your daily salah or prayers, focus on healing yourself rather than forcing forgiveness.
Your spiritual journey is personal, and it's okay to:
Keep firm boundaries
Feel angry about abuse
Protect yourself from harm
Question religious interpretations
Take time to heal
Would you like to explore what healthy spirituality looks like while maintaining strong boundaries?
Remember: God wants you safe and whole, not suffering in the name of false forgiveness.

[bloomie]

Taking a moment to welcome @recallblushing to Out of the FOG. Your response to the OP is thought provoking and wise. Thank you for joining the conversation.

When you are ready hop on over to The Welcome Mat and introduce yourself. We welcome you!

[bloomie]

Hi fogvision,
Welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for weighing in.

We would love to know more of what brings you here. When you are ready we invite you to introduce yourself on our Welcome Mat.

[Mary]

By counsel
By command
By consent
By provocation
By praise or flattery
By concealment
By partaking
By silence
By defense of the ill done

Thank you for posting this list. These things have certainly been done against me, and how often have I done them to someone else? I am in the process of forgiving my inlaws who have hurt my marriage and kids so much through these things, sometimes without realizing it. I need to recognize the truth of what happened without staying bitter. I know Jesus forgave me; I should forgive. But sometimes I just don't feel like it. I try to remember how much Jesus loves me, and that helps.

Mary

[LikeTheSea]

I'm a practicing liberal Catholic from the west coast who stopped attending Sunday mass over the inability to stomach forgiving mental and physical torture from the many disordered people in my family and my late ex-husband. Most of it was NSFW.

I discovered a Monsignor from Washington, DC, say on a YouTube video that forgiveness is not for the person who harmed you. You do not have to have warm and fuzzy feelings towards them. You need to cast them out of your life if they continue their abuse. You pray to forgive them to work on getting them out of your head to live a good, Catholic life free from abuse.

It's a refreshing message after years of despising my dBPD mother for her rejection of me.

~~Crux Spes Unica~~