I have a narcissistic mother - how to deal with and make real changes ?

[peacepath_13]

peacepath13,

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you have been raised to think you can do nothing, literally nothing, without your mother's help.  This sounds like a very extreme situation.  It reminds me of Jenneate McCurdy's memoir where she tells of her mother not letting her shower alone either.

After 25 years of this, the patterns are deeply ingrained, but there is still hope and a future for you, I want you to believe that.  You are going to need some serious support and help.  Do you have any friends you could stay with?  An extended family member?  An older person with a room to rent, where you could even pay your rent through doing some light errands or cleaning for them if you don't have money?  Even a women's shelter may be an option worth considering.  I agree with WOBG, you need to get out from under your mother's domination as soon as possible.  What you're experiencing is extreme abuse.

I suggest getting into therapy immediately as well.  You will have a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of learning for tending to your own basic needs.  I don't want to assume anything at all, but do you have any sort of a disability or special needs?  If so, maybe adult rehabilitative services could be of help. 

It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but with support and help your life can be SO much better than it is now.  Please marshall all of your strength and resources to set yourself free. We're here for you. 

I have already thought about other family members, but I don't know, besides what I said, my problem is how to take that step; I'm afraid that no one will believe me. I have always done everything to be a good son, but right now my mother is very cruel to me, insults me, mocks me, makes me feel like my life is in her hands.

I have talked to an online psychologist four times, but I speak from time to time; she says she can't do much for me, that I have to take steps myself, and yes, that's true, but it's not always easy because everything I do feels like a challenge. Two weeks ago, I managed to ride my bike in my village, and from her language, it almost seemed like I was committing a crime.

It's exhausting, even when I try to internalize that what I want isn't wrong; it's not easy to maintain balance. No, I don't have any disabilities; I'm perfectly normal. Thank you very much for the advice; yes, it won't be easy, I know. I just really want it to happen because I see life passing by, and it hurts, of course.

peacepath 13, i have an idea for you since youve already tried using a psychiatrist with no real help and that no one in your immediate family/friends dont really understand that you are in a narcissistic family dynamic( this is normal) i too grew up with controling toxic parent (mother and brother). heres what maybe you can do, ever think of joining the military? or taking a job that requires you to travel? maybe its the adventure you need and at the same time build self esteem away from these negative people and their negative comments.

Hi JR,

It's really a good idea! I think that if I can't find another way, or if it's difficult for me, it could be a path, as at the same time this solution resolves many of my problems.

I'm ashamed to say this because I know that many people in my situation would just go for it and leave everything behind; I wish I could do that. But it feels like something is holding me back; I don't know if it's respect for my father or the fact that I don't know where to start...

How did you handle your situation? Was it difficult? Did you join the army?

I will take your idea into consideration; thank you for the suggestion.

[mary_poppins]

@peacepath_13

It's ok.We all here understand the horror of living with narcissistic parents in our adult age. I think very few of us 'escape' at 18 or earlier. I wish I could recover the time I wasted living with them and inhaling all their toxicity.

If you're in Portugal and find it hard to get a wel-paying job, consider moving to other countries. Germany, Netherlands, the UK-they have great prospects. Oh, Scandinavian countries are even better. I lived there some time ago and would not exchange that experience for anything.