I have a narcissistic mother - how to deal with and make real changes ?

[peacepath_13]

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the forum, and after introducing myself, I'm not quite sure what to write, but I'm seeking some advice to gain more clarity about my situation.

Regarding my situation: I'm 25 years old, and from what I've read, my mother seems to be narcissistic. Since I was little, she has been very controlling, to the point where I couldn't do basic things like taking a shower alone, dressing myself, having a mobile phone, or my own job... let alone going out alone, having friends, or anything else. In recent years, I've been trying to change this situation, but very slowly, and even so, my mother has become someone who seems to do everything to keep me here, without any ethical or moral limits, being cruel and deceitful.

It feels like a family mission. As I mentioned in another post, I have taken some steps this year, like learning to dress and shower by myself. However, I'm 25 years old, and that's minimal compared to what lies ahead.

All of this has been built over the years, and it's not easy for me to free myself from the fears I have.

I think the right thing to do at this moment would be to find a job. I've already prepared my resume, but I feel that the problem isn't exactly that, at least for me. My issue is dealing with this family situation; I can't imagine the drama that will unfold if I tell my mother. I'm afraid she will tighten her grip on me even more, following me if I try to leave... In other words, since I'm limited, I have a hidden mobile phone (she doesn't know), I don't go out alone (this year I managed to start taking quick bike rides), but what I mean is that finding a job involves "breaking" a lot at once. I don't know where to start, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stay strong.

There are so many problems: car, money, going out, mobile phone, and family issues.

At home, this is a confrontation; my mother even says that I want to destroy her, that I want to hit her, ruin her business (I "work" with her). All of this is very hard.

I've talked to my father gently, but he doesn't offer much help, as I think he doesn't want to create problems for himself. It's just difficult to do all of this without support; no matter how many videos I watch, most of my time is spent in an environment that crushes my soul.

I apologize for the confusion, but I preferred to post this rather than procrastinate on doing something better.

Thank you all very much.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Peacepath,
I was shocked to read about your family situation and your mum's tight control over you. Not letting you shower and dress on your own at the age of 25 is plain abuse. I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing by claiming your freedom piece by piece. It is not easy but the important thing is to start somewhere. And this is what you are doing.

Is there anyone that can help you outside the family? Or someone in the family that has escaped these abusive dynamics? It would be great if you could get some practical and psychological help from someone who is able to see the situation clearly and could stand up to your mum and be on your side.

Could you go to a career centre or something similar to look for a job - any job - that would take you away from home and could help you establish your independence? The first step would be to move out of this toxic and abusive environment, and the rest will follow.

You mention that you work with your mum. Are you getting paid and is it possible to put some money aside and start planning an escape?

Just some thoughts. Keep writing to us here. My heart goes out to you.

[TimetoHeal]

peacepath13,

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you have been raised to think you can do nothing, literally nothing, without your mother's help.  This sounds like a very extreme situation.  It reminds me of Jenneate McCurdy's memoir where she tells of her mother not letting her shower alone either.

After 25 years of this, the patterns are deeply ingrained, but there is still hope and a future for you, I want you to believe that.  You are going to need some serious support and help.  Do you have any friends you could stay with?  An extended family member?  An older person with a room to rent, where you could even pay your rent through doing some light errands or cleaning for them if you don't have money?  Even a women's shelter may be an option worth considering.  I agree with WOBG, you need to get out from under your mother's domination as soon as possible.  What you're experiencing is extreme abuse.

I suggest getting into therapy immediately as well.  You will have a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of learning for tending to your own basic needs.  I don't want to assume anything at all, but do you have any sort of a disability or special needs?  If so, maybe adult rehabilitative services could be of help. 

It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but with support and help your life can be SO much better than it is now.  Please marshall all of your strength and resources to set yourself free. We're here for you. 

[peacepath_13]

Hi Peacepath,
I was shocked to read about your family situation and your mum's tight control over you. Not letting you shower and dress on your own at the age of 25 is plain abuse. I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing by claiming your freedom piece by piece. It is not easy but the important thing is to start somewhere. And this is what you are doing.

Is there anyone that can help you outside the family? Or someone in the family that has escaped these abusive dynamics? It would be great if you could get some practical and psychological help from someone who is able to see the situation clearly and could stand up to your mum and be on your side.

Could you go to a career centre or something similar to look for a job - any job - that would take you away from home and could help you establish your independence? The first step would be to move out of this toxic and abusive environment, and the rest will follow.

You mention that you work with your mum. Are you getting paid and is it possible to put some money aside and start planning an escape?

Just some thoughts. Keep writing to us here. My heart goes out to you.

Honestly, no one in my family has any idea that my mother is like this, only my brother (who goes through the same as I do) and my father a little. I don't know how to describe this to you; I have some money, but my mother doesn't pay me.
I think my problem isn't just going out; it's really about how to talk to my family and do this when I've never done anything on my own? And what if there are many more problems and I can't handle everything?
I live in a small town in Portugal, I don't have a car. I'm also afraid that my mother will follow me everywhere or turn my father against me, as she accuses me of ruining her life... I'm aware that this may seem strange, but to me, the world doesn't seem that big; it feels like I have few possibilities.

 I appreciate your time and advice.

[peacepath_13]

peacepath13,

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you have been raised to think you can do nothing, literally nothing, without your mother's help.  This sounds like a very extreme situation.  It reminds me of Jenneate McCurdy's memoir where she tells of her mother not letting her shower alone either.

After 25 years of this, the patterns are deeply ingrained, but there is still hope and a future for you, I want you to believe that.  You are going to need some serious support and help.  Do you have any friends you could stay with?  An extended family member?  An older person with a room to rent, where you could even pay your rent through doing some light errands or cleaning for them if you don't have money?  Even a women's shelter may be an option worth considering.  I agree with WOBG, you need to get out from under your mother's domination as soon as possible.  What you're experiencing is extreme abuse.

I suggest getting into therapy immediately as well.  You will have a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of learning for tending to your own basic needs.  I don't want to assume anything at all, but do you have any sort of a disability or special needs?  If so, maybe adult rehabilitative services could be of help. 

It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but with support and help your life can be SO much better than it is now.  Please marshall all of your strength and resources to set yourself free. We're here for you. 

I have already thought about other family members, but I don't know, besides what I said, my problem is how to take that step; I'm afraid that no one will believe me. I have always done everything to be a good son, but right now my mother is very cruel to me, insults me, mocks me, makes me feel like my life is in her hands.

I have talked to an online psychologist four times, but I speak from time to time; she says she can't do much for me, that I have to take steps myself, and yes, that's true, but it's not always easy because everything I do feels like a challenge. Two weeks ago, I managed to ride my bike in my village, and from her language, it almost seemed like I was committing a crime.

It's exhausting, even when I try to internalize that what I want isn't wrong; it's not easy to maintain balance. No, I don't have any disabilities; I'm perfectly normal. Thank you very much for the advice; yes, it won't be easy, I know. I just really want it to happen because I see life passing by, and it hurts, of course.

[NarcKiddo]

This is a dreadful situation for you. My suspicion is that there is no help to be had within your immediate family, unless your brother is an adult and you and he already discuss this. But the chances are your mother has got everyone in the family where she wants them. Their fear of her will likely be far stronger than their loyalty to you, and I say this without blame. I know this kind of family system and everyone has their own difficulties. Your father seems unlikely to be any sort of ally. You say that you have gently raised some issues with him and he has shown you his attitude. That is unlikely to change and may even harden against you if he perceives you as causing some sort of family problem that might affect him.

My advice is that you spend less time worrying about what to say to your mother and how she might react to anything you do. You cannot control what she does or says or thinks. However, you could stand up to her with smaller things. Keep riding your bike. Let her make her nasty comments - but see if anything else happens. I have been following a policy over the last couple of years of not doing everything my mother decrees. (I am in my 50s and do not live at home, so in theory easier for me but in practice I have always been terrified of her.) She has been angry, yes, but the world has not ended. She has not cut me off (although I rather wish she would.) Gradually I have realised I am actually strong enough to withstand her anger. You are strong enough, too, I think. You just don't know it. The greatest fear we can have is of what we imagine will happen and this is how they exert control. Once you start feeling able to trust yourself it will be easier for you to make plans to get out - because you will feel strong enough to be able to follow those plans through.

Do you remember any teachers from school that felt kind and trustworthy? Might they be people you could approach for advice? Is there a local priest, maybe? (But be careful if your mother goes to that church because she may well control the narrative there.) Could you join the army or navy? That is a fairly drastic, but also effective, way of getting out of there but of course you would have to have some interest and aptitude for that sort of life.

I wish you well.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm so sorry I assumed you were female, OP!  Forgive me, I was projecting my own experience, I'm sure.   

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry.   That sounds dreadful.   You asked what you could do to deal with it and make real changes.    You're doing so great becoming aware and making small changes to your life.   You can only control how you deal with this, and from the sound of it have had zero parenting to become a self-sufficient adult.   I second TimetoHeal....find a substitute parent.  Keep making your changes.   Grounding, therapy, and talking to folks here will help.    If that one therapist wasn't being helpful, find another...particularly one who deals in family dynamics.   

Given what you've described, you're really doing great showing up here and finding ways to become more and more independent.

[cepnahu]

Hey, I don't have any advice honestly since I'm also still figuring out some stuff with my own npd mom but I wanted to say you're not alone and I relate to this post so much. I see a pattern in these kinds of parents - my mom also does everything she can to keep me forever by her side and dependent on her and rebelling against them is of no use. Other family memebers are no help either, I know and that sucks. Best choice is no contact and running away, it won't be fast or easy but hopefully you'll be able to get a job of your own somehow and save money enough to find a way to escape her. Best of luck.

P.s. Just read some of your replies, if she is crazy enough, yes she might try to track u down and do everything to find u, but trust me if you need to escape her, no need to be in contact with other family memebers until you're sure you cant be dragged back in. Try online jobs since u cant get out much, that is if you're also able to work online either. Also search up rent prices in a much far away town and the cost to get there, plan everything carefully for a year and don't be afraid of her reaction, especially try to mentally block out everything she says while still acting the same in front of her so she still feels in control. Don't let yourself believe that you're actually ruining her life since she is the one doing that to you and it's very obvious. It's risky but really what's worse than just staying there forever.

I don't know honestly, this is just stuff i plan to do once im done with university and I know it's not the same situation but hopefully something helps out a bit. We're here for you if you need someone to talk to.

[peacepath_13]

I appreciate all your help.
What makes my situation difficult — and even I have trouble explaining — is that my problem is not "simply leaving home." It's not just about finding money, work, or a place to go. The hardest part is everything that involves emotionally and mentally.
The fear is not just of the world outside — it's of what happens inside.
I lived in a house where I was conditioned to doubt myself. I had no space to feel, choose, fail, or even be myself. So, acting with freedom activates deep fears:

fear of doing something wrong, ungrateful, or dangerous;
fear of judgment, especially from my father;
fear of losing any emotional connection (even dysfunctional) with my parents;
fear that if I try, my mother will follow me or sabotage me;
fear that if I am firm, I will seem aggressive or provoke something worse.
Because leaving is not the problem; the problem is being who I want to be without being crushed, that is, dealing with this familiarly:

saying "no" and maintaining that "no";
leaving home without explaining;
having my phone and privacy;
having money and deciding how to use it;
It's a lot to handle at once; each step seems to trigger an internal conflict (guilt, fear, confusion) and external (reactions from my mother, silence from my father).

My father doesn't harm me, but I also don't feel support, which makes everything harder. Because I respect him, and what he thinks still weighs on me, but he doesn't defend me or take a stand, so I feel stuck between my mother's fear and my father's silence.

I've watched videos, read stories, and understood a lot; the problem is that I get blocked, I don't know what to do. Everything has been done for years and years, and now it shows that I am trying to change something, which perhaps to them seems unreasonable and aligns with what my mother says, that I am destroying the family, and before I did this, everything was fine, at least for them.

I need to act firmly, but without feeling like I'm destroying everything around me:

training small steps to gain autonomy, without being swallowed by guilt or fear;
knowing how to communicate with my father (or at least knowing what he really thinks);
finding work, yes, but figuring out how to do it; it may seem stupid, but I think that if I had a job offer right now, I wouldn't have the courage to go...
dealing with the fact that my mother might follow me, invade my freedom, and turn everything against me — and that makes me retreat.
I don't know if you can help me, give me some tips, a YouTube channel to watch, or even share a similar experience that someone has managed to face.

Thank you very much for everything again.

peacepath_13

[peacepath_13]

Hey, I don't have any advice honestly since I'm also still figuring out some stuff with my own npd mom but I wanted to say you're not alone and I relate to this post so much. I see a pattern in these kinds of parents - my mom also does everything she can to keep me forever by her side and dependent on her and rebelling against them is of no use. Other family memebers are no help either, I know and that sucks. Best choice is no contact and running away, it won't be fast or easy but hopefully you'll be able to get a job of your own somehow and save money enough to find a way to escape her. Best of luck.

P.s. Just read some of your replies, if she is crazy enough, yes she might try to track u down and do everything to find u, but trust me if you need to escape her, no need to be in contact with other family memebers until you're sure you cant be dragged back in. Try online jobs since u cant get out much, that is if you're also able to work online either. Also search up rent prices in a much far away town and the cost to get there, plan everything carefully for a year and don't be afraid of her reaction, especially try to mentally block out everything she says while still acting the same in front of her so she still feels in control. Don't let yourself believe that you're actually ruining her life since she is the one doing that to you and it's very obvious. It's risky but really what's worse than just staying there forever.

I don't know honestly, this is just stuff i plan to do once im done with university and I know it's not the same situation but hopefully something helps out a bit. We're here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you very much for the support and help; all your words help. Yes, I have to do something, but I feel some helplessness because I have never been able to do anything on my own, not even university. Well, you already know what I mentioned above...
 So living every day in this environment, I think, doesn't allow me to see what the world has to offer.
 Have you ever had this idea that the world has no opportunities?

Thank you for everything.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, you need to change you. Not because you are wrong or defective, but because the only person you can change is yourself.

I find Jerry Wise very helpful on that sort of thing. He has a You Tube channel.

[cepnahu]

Not sure how i can reply to messages yet but yes, I always feel like even when i get an opportunity, the universe just finds a way to mess it up so I'm stuck in the same place. Like last year i was supposed to find a dorm and be away temporarily at least a few days a week from her but then it all failed and i was stuck having to be home and travel for classes instead. I will probably get one finally this semester, so i guess there's still hope? Maybe you have to wait a bit but I'm sure it will eventually work out. You will learn to do some stuff on your own since you have no other choice sadly, it's scary but there's probably a way. If you continue under this spell that you're helpless, that's just a favour to her. Feeling helpless doesn't mean you should freeze in the same spot forever. As your therapist said, it's in your hands mostly and we can only help with advice and methods but the action is yours. Easier said than done of course, but there's nothing else to say anyways. You made it this far already and set some boundaries as u said (choosing clothes by urself) and even if they seem minimal it's still a step forward, so you definitely have strength to slowly push through these difficulties too.

[peacepath_13]

thats true, all of you. all you have said makes sense. it needs consistency. sometimes i wish i have a map to guide me so i know exatly what i have to do.
its just my head its confused, fog... i dont feel any support, but of course i dont want to play the victim cards, cause that only will make me stay here.

i think i need to be that i can do it. there are times that im pissed about myself, cause i dont know why its so difficult to act.

i ll try to do my best, watch videos, do actions even small, and wait with some hope thay i can change my life.


its for me a pleasure be a part of your home here, thanks.

sorry the english, this time i didnt use translator.

[Rebel13]

Hi peacepath,

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you. I'm very impressed by your self-awareness and your identification of the problems and obstacles you are facing. You have a very good understanding of how you have been trained to stay within the space your mother has allowed you. Identifying the problem is the first step!

Here are some thoughts based on my experience; I hope they help. I also hope you find some help where you are, because this is such a complicated situation, having some personalized support in your life is important. Like NarcKiddo said, maybe a former teacher, a priest, or someone else with a community role, that you can trust? Or a distant family member, or family friend? If you have a local library, librarians can be great at helping you find books and other resources, and you don't have to tell them why you are looking.

So, acting with freedom activates deep fears:

Yes it does! I had a situation at work the other day -- I'm in my 50s and have been away from my family for almost 40 years, and this work situation activated those same fears. So I would say, one thing to understand is, you might always feel the fear. It has to be managed so you can live your life in spite of it.

What I've learned in trauma therapy over the past year is that there are three levels to managing these things. One is physiological. Stress gets our bodies wound up. We go into a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. There are good resources now on how to understand and cope with this in our bodies, unlike when I was young before the research was done. One example is Peter Levine's books on trauma. He also has a website: https://traumahealing.org/

When we calm our physiological reactions, it is easier to deal with the emotions. I've learned that I can have a feeling, even a negative one like fear or sadness or anger, and still have a calm body/physical state. I didn't know that was possible. My emotions were so caught up with my stress response for most of my life. So understanding the difference has been helpful. A place to start with emotions might be Emma McAdam's Youtube playlist How to Process Your Emotions. She is a therapist and has lots of videos on many topics, some related to trauma, some related to managing anxiety, and all other sorts of mental and emotional topics.  She's also very kind and positive. I watched one video a day and tried to think about what parts of it were applicable to me. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is another self-help method that some people use to help themselves work constructively with their emotions and relationships.

Then there is managing our thoughts. Thoughts and emotions seem to work in self-reinforcing loops. I can have a scary thought and then I feel scared -- or sometimes, I feel scared, and my brain wants to find (or make up) a reason for the fear. This works in positive ways too. If I have a thought that isn't true (like a lot of thoughts our parents train us with!) and I reframe it in a positive way, that can make me feel better. Things like cognitive behavioral therapy help some people reframe thoughts.

So, when I had the bad situation at work the other week, I had to work with myself on all these levels. I used some deep breathing and mindfulness to help calm my stress response. (And I had to do this over and over, for days! It's not a one-and-done for me.) Then I used some self-compassion to name and accept my emotions -- "It's OK to feel upset and hurt about this." "This is not about me, it's about them." Again, I've been saying these things to myself for days now!

And then, I had to work on my thoughts. "It's not fair!" "What if I get fired?" Etc. etc. I had to try to accept the situation. "Yep, it's not fair, but I can't change their minds." "I have to figure out what is right for me and how to make that happen." "If I stay professional (by continuing to calm myself down and not let my emotions take over) I won't get fired." "Things are fine right now, I'm safe, and I don't have to figure it all out today."

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you! But my experience is showing me that, over time, if a person gives themselves the kindness and support they deserve when dealing with a hard, scary situation (like riding your bike and worrying your mom will be upset), then maybe, like NarcKiddo said, we learn that we can handle what comes. The world doesn't end. People can be mad at us, and that's OK. They get to feel how they feel, and we don't have to fix it.

We can also add in self-protective things like a boundary, like, "if someone is yelling at me, I'm going to walk out of the room/leave the house/go for a bike ride/go get a coffee etc." The more we enact our boundaries, the more we experience our own power.

It's hard because we still FEEL like that kid that needed our parents to survive, but we are grownups now, and we have the power to protect ourselves. You get to protect yourself from abuse. You are not doing anything wrong to want privacy and to have your own life as an independent adult. And my experience has been, the world isn't as scary as our parents might want us to think it is. They are projecting their fears onto us. I've had problems and struggles in my life, but I've also had lots of opportunities, and lots of help, to get through them. There are wonderful people in the world who will be happy to help you, if you can find them.

Here's something I read yesterday that I kind of liked:
"My body is calm
My heart is kind
I am the boss of my brain and my mind"

Wishing you all the best. Keep letting us know how it is going for you.

[TimetoHeal]

I really like Rebel's response.  These are some great resources.

I can totally relate to the fear and anxiety that come up when you set a boundary, make a change, and stand up for yourself.  It can be overwhelming!  I am still struggling with this daily. I don't know if it ever goes away, but it does get better once you see you can survive one thing, then you know you can survive the next thing.

I think it's great that you love and respect your dad and want to preserve some kind of relationship with your family if possible.  But I think we all have to get to the point that we decide we are just going to put ourselves first and the pieces will fall where they may with everything else, because it is the only way we will survive. 

Also, not sure about your medical resources, but for severe anxiety, I think medication, even temporary, can help to move through some of these major changes. 
Good luck!

[peacepath_13]

Im sorry the late reply i didnt notice about your words.
Thanks timetoheal, rebel13, and you all of your advices and suport.

Life its not easy we all now, im trying to figure out my path, and i will practice all your advices.

For now i just need some time to be focus. I was being confuse and leting bad habits and thoughts growing up again, suddently i watched dr.k video the man of ination that made me revise my sctions again, so im trying to find my next step.

Thanks to this wonderfull comunity for all!

[mary_poppins]

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the forum, and after introducing myself, I'm not quite sure what to write, but I'm seeking some advice to gain more clarity about my situation.

Regarding my situation: I'm 25 years old, and from what I've read, my mother seems to be narcissistic. Since I was little, she has been very controlling, to the point where I couldn't do basic things like taking a shower alone, dressing myself, having a mobile phone, or my own job... let alone going out alone, having friends, or anything else. In recent years, I've been trying to change this situation, but very slowly, and even so, my mother has become someone who seems to do everything to keep me here, without any ethical or moral limits, being cruel and deceitful.

It feels like a family mission. As I mentioned in another post, I have taken some steps this year, like learning to dress and shower by myself. However, I'm 25 years old, and that's minimal compared to what lies ahead.

All of this has been built over the years, and it's not easy for me to free myself from the fears I have.

I think the right thing to do at this moment would be to find a job. I've already prepared my resume, but I feel that the problem isn't exactly that, at least for me. My issue is dealing with this family situation; I can't imagine the drama that will unfold if I tell my mother. I'm afraid she will tighten her grip on me even more, following me if I try to leave... In other words, since I'm limited, I have a hidden mobile phone (she doesn't know), I don't go out alone (this year I managed to start taking quick bike rides), but what I mean is that finding a job involves "breaking" a lot at once. I don't know where to start, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stay strong.

There are so many problems: car, money, going out, mobile phone, and family issues.

At home, this is a confrontation; my mother even says that I want to destroy her, that I want to hit her, ruin her business (I "work" with her). All of this is very hard.

I've talked to my father gently, but he doesn't offer much help, as I think he doesn't want to create problems for himself. It's just difficult to do all of this without support; no matter how many videos I watch, most of my time is spent in an environment that crushes my soul.

I apologize for the confusion, but I preferred to post this rather than procrastinate on doing something better.

Thank you all very much.

Hi peace path. Now I see your story, it's different than what I expected. I think your narcissistic parents could be more controlling and dominating that your average types.

From what I read in the forums and on Reddit, there is a way to go about becoming independent in your situation as well. Many say that its important to NOT disclose any of your intentions to your abusive parent.

You plan to get a job? Fine. Just don't say it. Tell her you are volunteering and she'll leave you alone.
When I was at home, my parents were controlling, too and I am much older than you. It was ridiculous but each time I had a plan (get x job in x country, go to x place and see x person, visit x city or travel to x place), I would tell them a lie. Eg I am staying with a friend or spend Xmas with my friend's mother. I never told them I was applying for jobs abroad btw, I only informed them I got a job abroad a few days before I had to leave the country. If I told them ahead of time, they'd have manipulated me into staying and/or rejecting the job offer.

Hide your phone.
Open a new bank account since you're 25 and don't need any help from your parents. Revolut is good, too (are you in Europe? If not, Wise is good in US).

Keep in touch with at least one friend (I have one friend but she's in US. However, her support almost saved me and brought me the motivation to leave and separate) for support and emotional guidance. If you don't have friends attend online support groups.

Most importantly: just decide and overcome the initial, gut reaction that tells you 'this is wrong'. That reaction is a c-PTSD reaction. Whenever c-PTSD people try to do something big, life-changing, their inner critic is going to stop them or sabotage them. Be aware of that.

Read Complex PTSD: from surving to thriving by Pete Walker. It helps.

[JR]

peacepath13,

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you have been raised to think you can do nothing, literally nothing, without your mother's help.  This sounds like a very extreme situation.  It reminds me of Jenneate McCurdy's memoir where she tells of her mother not letting her shower alone either.

After 25 years of this, the patterns are deeply ingrained, but there is still hope and a future for you, I want you to believe that.  You are going to need some serious support and help.  Do you have any friends you could stay with?  An extended family member?  An older person with a room to rent, where you could even pay your rent through doing some light errands or cleaning for them if you don't have money?  Even a women's shelter may be an option worth considering.  I agree with WOBG, you need to get out from under your mother's domination as soon as possible.  What you're experiencing is extreme abuse.

I suggest getting into therapy immediately as well.  You will have a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of learning for tending to your own basic needs.  I don't want to assume anything at all, but do you have any sort of a disability or special needs?  If so, maybe adult rehabilitative services could be of help. 

It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but with support and help your life can be SO much better than it is now.  Please marshall all of your strength and resources to set yourself free. We're here for you. 

I have already thought about other family members, but I don't know, besides what I said, my problem is how to take that step; I'm afraid that no one will believe me. I have always done everything to be a good son, but right now my mother is very cruel to me, insults me, mocks me, makes me feel like my life is in her hands.

I have talked to an online psychologist four times, but I speak from time to time; she says she can't do much for me, that I have to take steps myself, and yes, that's true, but it's not always easy because everything I do feels like a challenge. Two weeks ago, I managed to ride my bike in my village, and from her language, it almost seemed like I was committing a crime.

It's exhausting, even when I try to internalize that what I want isn't wrong; it's not easy to maintain balance. No, I don't have any disabilities; I'm perfectly normal. Thank you very much for the advice; yes, it won't be easy, I know. I just really want it to happen because I see life passing by, and it hurts, of course.

peacepath 13, i have an idea for you since youve already tried using a psychiatrist with no real help and that no one in your immediate family/friends dont really understand that you are in a narcissistic family dynamic( this is normal) i too grew up with controling toxic parent (mother and brother). heres what maybe you can do, ever think of joining the military? or taking a job that requires you to travel? maybe its the adventure you need and at the same time build self esteem away from these negative people and their negative comments.

[peacepath_13]

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the forum, and after introducing myself, I'm not quite sure what to write, but I'm seeking some advice to gain more clarity about my situation.

Regarding my situation: I'm 25 years old, and from what I've read, my mother seems to be narcissistic. Since I was little, she has been very controlling, to the point where I couldn't do basic things like taking a shower alone, dressing myself, having a mobile phone, or my own job... let alone going out alone, having friends, or anything else. In recent years, I've been trying to change this situation, but very slowly, and even so, my mother has become someone who seems to do everything to keep me here, without any ethical or moral limits, being cruel and deceitful.

It feels like a family mission. As I mentioned in another post, I have taken some steps this year, like learning to dress and shower by myself. However, I'm 25 years old, and that's minimal compared to what lies ahead.

All of this has been built over the years, and it's not easy for me to free myself from the fears I have.

I think the right thing to do at this moment would be to find a job. I've already prepared my resume, but I feel that the problem isn't exactly that, at least for me. My issue is dealing with this family situation; I can't imagine the drama that will unfold if I tell my mother. I'm afraid she will tighten her grip on me even more, following me if I try to leave... In other words, since I'm limited, I have a hidden mobile phone (she doesn't know), I don't go out alone (this year I managed to start taking quick bike rides), but what I mean is that finding a job involves "breaking" a lot at once. I don't know where to start, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stay strong.

There are so many problems: car, money, going out, mobile phone, and family issues.

At home, this is a confrontation; my mother even says that I want to destroy her, that I want to hit her, ruin her business (I "work" with her). All of this is very hard.

I've talked to my father gently, but he doesn't offer much help, as I think he doesn't want to create problems for himself. It's just difficult to do all of this without support; no matter how many videos I watch, most of my time is spent in an environment that crushes my soul.

I apologize for the confusion, but I preferred to post this rather than procrastinate on doing something better.

Thank you all very much.

Hi peace path. Now I see your story, it's different than what I expected. I think your narcissistic parents could be more controlling and dominating that your average types.

From what I read in the forums and on Reddit, there is a way to go about becoming independent in your situation as well. Many say that its important to NOT disclose any of your intentions to your abusive parent.

You plan to get a job? Fine. Just don't say it. Tell her you are volunteering and she'll leave you alone.
When I was at home, my parents were controlling, too and I am much older than you. It was ridiculous but each time I had a plan (get x job in x country, go to x place and see x person, visit x city or travel to x place), I would tell them a lie. Eg I am staying with a friend or spend Xmas with my friend's mother. I never told them I was applying for jobs abroad btw, I only informed them I got a job abroad a few days before I had to leave the country. If I told them ahead of time, they'd have manipulated me into staying and/or rejecting the job offer.

Hide your phone.
Open a new bank account since you're 25 and don't need any help from your parents. Revolut is good, too (are you in Europe? If not, Wise is good in US).

Keep in touch with at least one friend (I have one friend but she's in US. However, her support almost saved me and brought me the motivation to leave and separate) for support and emotional guidance. If you don't have friends attend online support groups.

Most importantly: just decide and overcome the initial, gut reaction that tells you 'this is wrong'. That reaction is a c-PTSD reaction. Whenever c-PTSD people try to do something big, life-changing, their inner critic is going to stop them or sabotage them. Be aware of that.

Read Complex PTSD: from surving to thriving by Pete Walker. It helps.

Hello Mary Poppins, thank you for your response.

Indeed, it is good advice not to disclose my intentions; I have been doing that lately, but I will continue to keep everything anonymous.

I am sincere with all of you; yes, I think the first step for me is to find a job, as only then can I think about moving out, distancing myself...

What holds me back is what you mentioned, that feeling that seems so real that I am doing something very wrong, or that I am exaggerating; it feels drastic...

So, knowing this, you see, the fact that I have never had space makes me think that it will go wrong, that the world seems to have no opportunities outside of here, even though I know rationally that it is not like that.

I think that even before that, I need to find a way to connect more with the real world, to see that what I want is not wrong, and may be to "break" household rules more and more to see if I can feel capable, because as I say, it is horrible to want to do something and simply not be able to.

Moreover, I think that everything I do, I try to consider what I have to do, is insignificant. It's a mindset that I need to change, of course.

I didn't know that feeling of "this is wrong" was derived from c-PTSD; thank you for giving me that advice, I will research more and read the book.

I just haven't opened the account yet because my father works in public finance; whenever there is a bill with my tax identification number, it will show up there. Although he is not like my mother, I don't want him to know.

You know, I don't know if I can explain well what I feel, but the fact that everything has been the same for years, at the slightest change I make, like supposedly never needing certain things in adult life like a mobile phone, money... makes her suspicious right away. But yes, I also have to face some discomfort.

Yes, I am in Europe, in Portugal. I am trying to make some online friendships.

I really appreciate both your support and that of everyone; I am very happy to have found such a wonderful community.