Deep in my feelings cup on this Christmas day

[DaisyGirl77]

Yelling into the void.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

I woke up missing a life I dreamed of having since I was a child: a spouse, children, delightedly watching everyone open their gifts...  The whole nine.

The life I have is that of a spinster.  I live alone.  I have two cats.  No SO in the picture.  No kids.  There will never be any biological kids because I had that option surgically removed.

This is not where I thought I'd be.  But life threw so many curveballs that I...kind of have to be where I am, I guess.  Although I don't regret the surgery or anything, I wish my life had turned out differently.

I'm lonely.  (Isolated, maybe?)  I'm missing that fantasy family picture I had in my head.  I do have a good life, such as it is, but I miss the family part of it all.  Of growing together with my chosen partner & handling life together.  I envy those who are paired up.  I want it for myself.

I don't know if anyone struggles with this.  I think maybe it'd bring comfort if others do, too.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Christmas today.  If you don't celebrate, then a very happy Thursday/happy holidays to you.

[DaisyGirl77]

Well, my feelings dam has broken. I called my father to wish him a merry Christmas. He was with a friend of his I've known since I was single digit aged so we chatted for a couple minutes. When she asked me how my uNM was since I'd seen her earlier today, I said something along the lines of "She seems okay, but we haven't talked in about 10 years." Her response was "Good for you. That was the smartest move you could've made. I saw how she treated you when you were growing up and I didn't like it."

I was not expecting validation to come from anyone today. But I was also made to feel like I was crazy and it was my fault all these years so this is a double-edged sword. People noticed. They (presumably) didn't say any thing. And now I have sheets of tears pouring down my face from this.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Daisygirl,

I get you on a lot of levels but can't elaborate on it at the moment (pain management). Please feel welcome in our "club" of people by themselves at christmas ... we would be four with you in this forum. If it helps you can read about others being lone wolves around this time in this section one thread close to and below yours, created by looking2bfree .
I hope your cats were being good company on your tearful boxing day, I happen to find animals valuable beyond words.
This is missing depth as a response but I cannot go deeper at the moment, please excuse.

[Pinkos]

Oh I'm so with you @daisygirl77. I yearn for that kind of pairing as well. It's hard being alone sometimes. I feel like I spend so much energy fighting despair around this time of year. I try to be cheerful and get into the spirit and I quickly feel deflated. I rally again the next day and manage a few minutes before I sink back down. And on and on. It's hard.

I traveled to Costa Rica a few years ago and despair/humiliation was waiting for me there. Ha! I somehow decided to join the Christmas dinner at the resort and realized everyone would be sitting with their family or partner and they didn't have a single table for me. A couple felt sorry for me and asked me to join them. The waiter was so rude and made a big scene about it. Never again!

Ever since then I stay put and just white knuckle it between Thanksgiving and New Year's. Somehow each year I manage to have 5-7 vacation days left over so I have a whole 2 weeks off to just sit and feel miserable. Fun times! 

Not sure I would feel much better sitting in the office alone doing nothing. Retail therapy only goes so far. How many times can one shop?

Volunteering? Ugh! I don't want to bother, honestly. I find it depressing that people with families to spend it with suggest this for those of us with nowhere to go. Oh gee let me go help the needy while you open presents in your cozy sweater with your family around you. And no I don't  want a pity invite! Thank you very much! (Am I allowed to be crabby this week?)

Anyway, we'll get through it. Once the New Year starts I start to feel better. Still lonely but less despair. 

[Pinkos]

A good cry is always helpful! I'm glad the family friend gave you that validation. Better late than never.

[xredshoesx]

that validation...... I am so glad you got to hear and experience that. 

sending gentle hugs to @DaisyGirl77  and everyone/ anyone else who experiences thus type of grief over the holidays- 

I feel horrible bc even though I am on the other side of my life from my uPD mother and uPD ex, I still feel guilty about the stuff i haven't been able to leave behind yet and a traitor bc I am alive and one of my siblings isn't (bc of the relationship between our dad and her mom and my mom.  it's like impostor syndrome plus survivor's guilt.  I resent myself for wanting to be able to try to enjoy the holidays because the trauma and grief are so entwined with my story that I feel like if I let it go it takes away the realness  and authenticity of what I lived through.

[DaisyGirl77]

Thanks, all.  It is comforting to know that I'm not alone in yearning to be part of a half.  (Pinkos, your reply was comforting & I had secondhand horror & embarrassment with you on the dining table fiasco, OMG.  I'm so sorry.)

I spoke with my dad again today.  This time I asked if he knew of anyone who'd called my uNM out on her behavior towards me.  In a nutshell, his answer boiled down to "I'm not sure", "If they did then it was in private/uNM never told me/I don't remember because so much time has passed", "If they didn't then it was because we were at an event & opted not to make a scene", "If they didn't it was because they didn't want to deal with uNM's anger/her snit resulting from that" (with a sprinkling of "You know what she's like" included with that), & him being a coward & hiding behind the (supposed--I have very strong doubts on this) agreement they had that she would handle all the daughters they had, he would handle all the sons.  Since all they had were daughters, he claimed uNM didn't want him involved.  (Again, I have my doubts, but there's some truth ringing in this so...I don't know.)

All I know is that I can't wait for my therapy appointment to come around in a few days because this is a lot to unpack.

I remain angry, hurt, & grieving over this.

[1footouttadefog]

It's tough but if you find people you like to spend time with on the holidays they become your family. 

I hope everyone who had less than best this season has better days soon. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

DaisyGirl, You're not the only one who spent Christmas missing the fantasy picture of a happy togetherness with spouse and kids.  It would be interesting to know exactly what proportion of people do feel they live that fantasy, how many are simply disappointed, and the percentage for whom Christmas brings on significant grief.  I'm in the latter category.

[DaisyGirl77]

An update before I let this go, I guess.  We'll see.

I had my therapy appointment a few days after my last post.  My therapist called uNM more BPD than N.  I'm not sure I agree with it.  Maybe she's BPD with N traits because she's very much push/pull but with general coldness & cruelty toward me than to anyone else.

I felt a little better talking it through with my T, but I continue to wrestle with the fact that others knew & chose self-preservation over standing up for a child.  But that's for me to work on.

My other issue is that my eF now looks like a literal copy-paste of his uPD mother, particularly over the past year.  He walks, talks, sleeps, stands, & moves like her.  He looks like her.  Has the mannerisms, facial expressions, & body language of his mother.  His fingers are hers.  When he stayed overnight recently, I couldn't sleep; it disturbed me so much.  So I'm struggling there, too.  He doesn't know of my problem, so there's that at least.  But still.

We had a heart-to-heart recently where he questioned why I remain in contact with him when my sisters are NC:  "I couldn't have been that bad when you're still talking to me."  I told him it was literally saved by an apology from him.  If he hadn't apologized, I also would've gone NC.  He was stunned.  But a reckoning between us is coming.  I'm not sure when.  He swings between recognizing his wrongs when I was growing up & sticking to the old party line of "DaisyGirl was a horrible child" & "uNM decided XYZ, not me" (like that absolves him of any responsibility ) so I have to choose the timing wisely.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like a complicated and messy relationship. 

Certainly seems like one that needs adjusted to match truth and not social expectations.

Such things require acceptance of who the other really is and not who they should have been.  It's always easier to proceed when you have clarity.