Need some mentoring from those who have gone before

[Sojourner17]

Thanks rebel13   I really appreciate the virtual hug. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry 😔 It is shocking to realize how harshly we are treating ourselves. Think of what you would say to a friend, if they were going through this and give yourself the same compassion!

[Sojourner17]

Hi all,  on Friday I found I was really dreading calling my mom for our biweekly call.  I talked with my husband about it and spent time praying and decided that I would text in the morning to say I was not able to call that day. I woke up with a pounding headache and deep dread and just couldn't do it. 

I know it's somewhat kicking the can down the road and at some point I need to have the actual conversation saying that I will not be talking about the estrangement with her until I'm ready,  and only IF I'm ready.

Anyways,  as expected my texts blew up.  She even said she knows why I didn't want to call (because of her text earlier in the week).   So she knows why I won't talk but it's all about her, her pain, and what I did at the funeral. 

Then she asked if I even knew what that particular day was and it would have been nice to have a call that day but instead she has to wait every two weeks to talk to me when I could call her every day. (I'm mixing two texts in the barrage I got)

It was my deceased father's birthday (the first since his death last year).  I actually had forgotten. 

My husband said not to respond but I had already determined not to. 

A little while later my youngest sister (the one who wouldn't answer her phone last week) sent me pictures of my mom and dad from last years birthday plus a video of my middle sister bringing out the cake while my whole family sang happy birthday. 

 

Seriously all.  This is craziness!!   

I've got to do something but feel so much resistance. 

I will write more about where that resistance comes from later. 

[walking on broken glass]

Good for you for holding your boundary and looking after yourself. As you said, your mum knows why you don't want to talk to her but she doesn't care about your feelings; it's all about her and what she wants.

I am not sure what your youngest sister aimed to do with her message but that sounds like crazy communication to me. Maybe she wanted to share a memory with you on the day of your father's birthday but sending pictures and a video with no commentary and no response to your previous message does not qualify for sane communication.

[Sojourner17]

I'm not really sure what my sister was up to either.   It's really strange.  I thought of asking her what she meant by sending them without actually texting a message but thought better of it.  It would have just stirred up more. 

[moglow]

Jumping in late here, but wanted to reassure you - her insistence that you talk about something you're not ready to, changes *nothing*. Sounds like she's trying to drive unnecessary drama and back you into a corner of her making. You don't have to do anything of the sort.

I think I'd respond to those texts with:  "I told you that I would talk about it when I was ready.  I'm not ready, will let you know if that changes." Refer her back to that as needed. 

[Sojourner17]

Hi Moglow, thanks.  I got those texts on Saturday.  Do you think it would be okay to text her that response even though it's been 3 days?

[moglow]

I probably would go ahead and answer with that now, yes. That's the response you have and the one you will have until you decide otherwise. Talk about any/everything else you choose, but make it clear if she goes there she's in it alone. You're not having *that* discussion, period.