At the end of my tether with situation

peanuthead · February 24, 2026, 07:57:36 AM

Hi,

I have been with my SO for 3.5 years. 2 years were smooth until we took a commitment step and got a dog (starting our family). My in laws started to become very clingy, controlling and constantly love-bombing and loading their problems onto him. This sparked some issues with us as he was interrupting our holidays, nights out and lives with their calls and texts about absolutely NOTHING.

They simultaneously started to verbally abuse me when he wasnt around, smear my name and imply that I am too glamourous, unsuccessful, lacking empathy etc. The more they learned, they tried to twist it.

It has caused so many arguments, we have been to therapy and it helped a lot.

He steps up, starts bonding with me then his family have another crisis. We had two peaceful months as we went through a now failed, ivf. They kept pushing and he held his ground. His parents started guilting him about their age and he has flipped back. It is causing a huge fight and he is blaming me.

Here are my options:
- Step back non verbally and do not participate for the time being.
- Tell him verbally that I am not participating (so he understands the why).
- Continue to engage and face them.

It is really affecting us. My SO is acting like a 16 year old around them.

What should I do?

Rebel13 · February 24, 2026, 02:28:34 PM

Hi peanuthead, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure others with experience in this type of situation will contribute their thoughts and strategies. But I wanted to point you to the Boundaries article in the Toolbox section. This was very helpful to me in understanding the true nature and purpose of boundaries (they are about what *I* will or won't do, not about trying to modify the behavior of others) and they can help protect us from situations that are unnecessarily stressful, overwhelming, or hurtful.

I am wishing you peace and confidence in this difficult, trying situation with your husband and his family.

bloomie · February 25, 2026, 03:19:23 PM

peanuthead - welcome to Out of the FOG! I am thankful you have found this community and reached out. I am very sad to imagine you as you and your SO are building your life and starting a family together that you are dealing with this intrusive and potentially divisive antics from your SO's parents.

I am a very looonnng ways down the road from these early days when my own in laws began to disrupt and attempt to insert themselves as my own H's number 1 priority.

A few gentle thoughts as you find your way forward...

It's not too late to start as you mean to go. What do I mean by that?
- protect your privacy, do not share personal details, hopes, dreams, experiences with people who have shown they are not able to handle them kindly
- do everything you can to not be alone, cornered, messaging, communicating with them 1 on 1
- do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain decisions and lifestyle choices that are none of their business (see article about JADE here: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)
- do not attempt to 'help' your SO see the truth about their parents, most people have to learn and see the truth for themselves and trying to help and enlighten can put you in the position of being the persecutor
- do decide what works for you and does not around contact, talking about the in laws, your SO taking phone calls and inconvenient times and getting drawn up into the drama - kindly, calmly communicate that to your SO one time.
- do step back and ask yourself what is yours to do with each new "thing". What is truly your responsibility and who/what is your priority.

And most importantly, as one of our wise hero members says... don't let people who don't love you or care about you come between you and your SO.

Keep coming back. The community is filled with wisdom! Wishing you so much peace as you go forward!

NarcKiddo · February 26, 2026, 07:25:59 AM

I'm so sorry your ivf failed.

I agree with what the others have said. I don't think your third option is good for you at all. Continued engagement just adds stress and pain to your life and unless you have a clear reason for doing it in a particular situation it is likely just to drain you.

A mixture of options 1 and 2 seems to be the thing. You can of course simply act as you see fit without explaining anything to your SO. If you think it would be helpful, though, telling him once that you are not participating, and why does make some sense. At least he can never fling 'you never told me' at you.

Wishing you well.

mustard_seed · February 26, 2026, 12:43:59 PM

hi peanuthead and welcome to Out of the FOG.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this in what I imagine you'd hope to be a joyful new chapter in your life with your SO.

Quote from: bloomie on February 25, 2026, 03:19:23 PM- do not attempt to 'help' your SO see the truth about their parents, most people have to learn and see the truth for themselves and trying to help and enlighten can put you in the position of being the persecutor

this is gold.

truly, the answers come from within and only you know whether option a, b, or c is right for you. but in whatever you choose, let your North star be protecting your own peace of mind, sanity, stability, and health. I know from firsthand experience w/ my own DH how tempting it is to want to pull your partner out of the dysfunction, to open their eyes to it all. but bloomie is right-- there's a very real risk that this will backfire on you and you'll be seen as the problem, creating more conflict between you two.

be a role model of health and wellness. set intentions for this new life and family you're building and put your energy there. whether you choose to engage with your in-laws or not (maybe with a grey rock, medium chill type approach if you do and certainly with boundaries), concentrate your energy on what it is you want to create and build for yourself. that positive energy can be very powerful, and can serve to inspire your SO to move forward with you.

Again-- everyone's situation is different-- but I will share that when I went NC with my in-laws 4 years ago (right after DH and I got married), I chose not to talk about it much with him. We'd already fought about his parents too many times to count, and when I finally went quiet and chose to live my boundaries rather than trying to "get" us to where I thought we needed to be, and on the same page (also known as emotional fusion), I found a new strength and stability within. My DH has also made a lot of progress getting Out of the FOG, I think because he's had to face his parents' dysfunction alone for a long time whereas a lot of the problems used to get blamed on me.

Just know that you're not alone and many from this community have walked this path and found peace and stability. Share more if it's helpful -- we're here for you.

peanuthead · March 01, 2026, 01:59:59 PM

These points are SO helpful. In particular, the trying to convince. I notice that I am spending so much energy trying to get him to see things that seem obvious to me, and yes, it is starting to turn me into an issue in his eyes.

Thankfully, as I've pulled back, I've noticed the subtle reaction. There appears to be frustration from the IL's as I've put boundaries in place which shows me they were needed.

Example, I used to mind some nieces and nephews and now I have totally detached as I was getting grief for it instead of thank you. I've gone mostly grey rock and find excuses not to be around.
I notice my SO is getting a bit annoyed but I no longer get into it with him.

It's not too late to start as you mean to go. What do I mean by that?
- protect your privacy, do not share personal details, hopes, dreams, experiences with people who have shown they are not able to handle them kindly
- do everything you can to not be alone, cornered, messaging, communicating with them 1 on 1
- do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain decisions and lifestyle choices that are none of their business (see article about JADE here: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)
- do not attempt to 'help' your SO see the truth about their parents, most people have to learn and see the truth for themselves and trying to help and enlighten can put you in the position of being the persecutor
- do decide what works for you and does not around contact, talking about the in laws, your SO taking phone calls and inconvenient times and getting drawn up into the drama - kindly, calmly communicate that to your SO one time.
- do step back and ask yourself what is yours to do with each new "thing". What is truly your responsibility and who/what is your priority.

And most importantly, as one of our wise hero members says... don't let people who don't love you or care about you come between you and your SO.

Keep coming back. The community is filled with wisdom! Wishing you so much peace as you go forward!

[/quote]

bloomie · March 01, 2026, 06:32:49 PM

You are making progress, peanuthead! Stay the course! Rooting for you!!

peanuthead · March 02, 2026, 02:10:58 AM

THANK YOU! I big part of recognising the patterns and engaging less.
Defo staying the course

Quote from: bloomie on March 01, 2026, 06:32:49 PMYou are making progress, peanuthead! Stay the course! Rooting for you!!

peanuthead · March 02, 2026, 02:12:30 AM

Yes for sure and I can see that it is making a difference when it happens.

I agree with what the others have said. I don't think your third option is good for you at all. Continued engagement just adds stress and pain to your life and unless you have a clear reason for doing it in a particular situation it is likely just to drain you.

Wishing you well.
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peanuthead · March 02, 2026, 02:18:08 AM

One thing I wanted to get feedback/perspectives on is the scapegoating. I've noticed to my SIL is quite a narc and tends to sit and highlight everyone else's inadequacies. She tears my job down and mocks me for doing things like art. It is so subtle and passive aggressive, of course. It's only a few years in that I see that she was deliberately sabotaging. Example, on my birthday she makes comments about age etc. She constantly moves the goal posts and I realise she is the one causing the most influence across the family.
Now, when she visits, I find an excuse to be away or out of the room and I can tell my partner is noticed and attempts to get me involved.

On the other hand, I decided not to go visit the parents and made a plan. I ended up agreeing to go a day later and we had to cancel. It seems like I am being used as a reason for things not happening when actually, I think he wants to keep clear of them but won't admit it.

How do people manage this without an argument?
Or step away strongly when being reeeled back in?

Rebel13 · March 02, 2026, 02:31:11 PM

Hi peanuthead, another article I really like is medium chill. I reread that one ALL THE TIME because it has so many great suggestions for vague, noncommittal responses when people are trying to suck me into their drama. I hope it helps you! I love how you are making changes in your life to protect your peace, sanity, and improve your relationship with your SO. It might be hard at first, but I really hope ultimately your relationship will be stronger for your clear boundaries.

mustard_seed · March 04, 2026, 06:50:30 PM

Quote from: peanuthead on March 02, 2026, 02:18:08 AMOne thing I wanted to get feedback/perspectives on is the scapegoating. I've noticed to my SIL is quite a narc and tends to sit and highlight everyone else's inadequacies. She tears my job down and mocks me for doing things like art. It is so subtle and passive aggressive, of course. It's only a few years in that I see that she was deliberately sabotaging. Example, on my birthday she makes comments about age etc. She constantly moves the goal posts and I realise she is the one causing the most influence across the family.
Now, when she visits, I find an excuse to be away or out of the room and I can tell my partner is noticed and attempts to get me involved.

On the other hand, I decided not to go visit the parents and made a plan. I ended up agreeing to go a day later and we had to cancel. It seems like I am being used as a reason for things not happening when actually, I think he wants to keep clear of them but won't admit it.

How do people manage this without an argument?
Or step away strongly when being reeeled back in?

For me this was the hardest time, when my in-laws and my husband truly realized I was pulling away and setting boundaries. When they lose access to you, it's harder to manipulate you, IMHO, and they get desperate.

Avoiding the fights isn't easy. For months after I went NC, my MIL insisted on reconciliation. My DH was desperate for my involvement. If it's like my situation, their drama will increase as you hold your ground. And at that point, my DH started seeing the dysfunction for what it was. I guess I avoided fights by finding my own equilibrium, not needing DH to agree with me or see it my way. And staying consistent with myself, my own self talk, continuing to get clarity about the situation. The more time/space/distance you have from the dysfunction, the more your nervous system can settle and you can find that clarity.

The hard part is no one can tell you how your situation will play out exactly, and it will take time.

If you have to, can you tell him you just need a time out for now? How would he respond? Is he sensitive to the need for peace and reduced stress if you guys are still trying to conceive?

And on the scapegoating thing, don't expect anyone in the system to see it your way. But be mindful you "observe, don't absorb" their definitions of you. Be aware of your self talk.

Stay strong!

peanuthead · March 10, 2026, 01:35:21 AM

This is so helpful and a great reminder.
The resistance to my boundaries from my SO is quite tiring.

I can count three instances over the past three weeks where they have pushed then he pushed and I had to hold my ground. It led to panic attack on my part and nearly folding. There is a this way of going around the boundary which I'm starting to see and which is making me a bit on edge. Still, it is clearly working as they (and he) are starting to escalate somewhat.

I am used to telling him everything (and viceversa) so that is what is hard. When I am being boundaried and calm, he knows something is up and works on getting it out of me.

In terms of a time out, he is okay with it but he seems to dramatise it like I'm being a victim and as if it is a reflection of me 'caring what they think' as opposed to their behaviour being toxic.

I'm working on my own calm and nervous system (With some staggers) so hopefully that will work.

Fingers crossed he starts to see it although their manipulation seems to ramp up when we get more boundaried!

peanuthead · April 07, 2026, 10:57:16 AM

@mustardseed

I had to reread this, this week and wondered if I could get your advice.
It is really helpful to read, again especially after some fights the last week.

I have a scenario where we are taking space, having boundaries (heading away as a family ourselves) and there are attempts to push in and then speak negatively about what we are doing/where we are based. I find it very upsetting as it is deliberate sabotage happening.

I've decided again to pull back and have made a bunch of plans with friends/work/hobbies.
The guilt is hurting me as my SO is being targeted more and more by then and it seems to be affected his mood and health - he seems to be attributing it to me and so, I am taking space.

How did you handle this when/if you were being made the problem?

Thanks for your help!

mustard_seed · May 06, 2026, 01:22:52 PM

I'm so sorry, peanuthead, I'm just now seeing this. I know it's been a month since you last posted -- how are things going? I can relate to the guilt feelings, and of seeing my husband be treated even worse once I became no contact. His parents accused him of horrible things he hadn't done, smeared him, insulted him, gave him the silent treatment, I could go on. To be honest, they still do this and are currently in a cycle of active abuse. (And I'm still no contact)

I guess my best advice would be to let yourself feel your feelings, but try to recognize when those feelings are false if that makes sense. Guilt is appropriate when we've truly wronged someone. But is that really the case in your situation? You have to dispute the thoughts that give rise to the false guilt. I journal a lot and just reminding myself in writing of the things his parents had done and how it had affected me helped me to stay clear in my thinking. BUT if I overuse this tool, it can lead to anger and resentment towards my husband, something to watch out for.

It's good you chose to focus on yourself, with friends/work/hobbies -- has that seemed to help shift your focus?

And that's so tough, the added layer of your SO attributing his negative moods/health to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's completely unfair. It can really make you question yourself and your decisions. Is he explicit about this, as in "This is your fault I feel this way" or is it more subtle and you're intuiting it?

It's hard to watch your SO suffer. Coping with it is really about learning a new way of thinking, about what is your responsibility and what isn't. I've had to learn that it's not my job to fix other peoples' feelings. The urge to fix it still comes up constantly, and maybe that's just one of my re-occurring life lessons. It does get a little easier with practice. When I'm successful at it - like if I can re-route myself and go for a walk or tell him I need alone time to read or whatever -- often I find that he's spent the time regulating himself too and is in a better mood later on. Not always, but often enough that I feel like we're both growing. And growth takes time.

Hope to hear an update soon and that you're gaining in clarity and peace.

peanuthead · June 08, 2026, 09:46:48 AM

Hi Mustard_seed

Just coming back to this now - no worries at all! Things have been busy on this side too. Your comment was so helpful and I've read it a few times. In particular, the piece around guilt and recognising I have not done anything wrong. That has helped me stand my ground more - talking to a therapist and two best friends has also been a reminder that I am doing the right thing.

Things got really calm for a while. We had a second round of (successful

) IVF! and that process seemed to calm us both, he was treating me better and we were keeping distance from them. Unfortunately, the distance seems to spark some major escalations which became kind of unbearable a couple of weeks ago - some aggression and the types of crisis that were so miniscule but really showed their true colours. This put quite a strain on our relationship as they were so ridiculous in comparison to what was happening with my body.

He seems to be totally activated again so I have worked on stepping back emotionally and connecting with my supports. His family have again ramped up their BS and that has caused him to become irritated then turning on me. After highlighting that it cannot happen anymore, he seems to be calmer.

My question is - where do we draw the line? When he was so angry at me for something silly while I'm sick while entertaining such innocuous problems from them, it is so illogical.
He seems to need it right now - to be connected through crisis.

I have been listening to the content of Deborah Lara as this has focused on stopping overfunctioning - that is helpful.

Thanks for your time and perspectives!

peanuthead · June 08, 2026, 09:52:31 AM

And that's so tough, the added layer of your SO attributing his negative moods/health to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's completely unfair. It can really make you question yourself and your decisions. Is he explicit about this, as in "This is your fault I feel this way" or is it more subtle and you're intuiting it?
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For this part, sometimes it is subtle then it escalates into something silly that he is annoyed about that I did then it becomes a massive argument. It doesn't correlate at the time the I learned that has been a demand from them.

mustard_seed · June 24, 2026, 07:50:32 PM

Congratulations!! on the successful IVF! And it's so good to hear you have the support of best friends and a therapist during this time.

And yay for a period of calmness. So, you know what is possible now for you two. Maybe you will start to find that calmness more and more.

As for his parents escalating... that makes sense, as they're attuned to changes in their son. I'm sorry to hear he's still letting their drama affect him so much, and affect how he treats you. That can be so painful, when you just want him to choose your life together and prioritize you.

I wish I had more answers for you or better advice. One thing that helps me is to think about my husband's inner child that is still in healing, just like mine and maybe for the rest of our lives, just seems like how it goes for some of us. He has unmet emotional/psychological needs -- he keeps trying to get them met by his family -- especially in times of crisis. Sometimes just an inch of awareness for him can give me some peace and make me less reactive.

Might not be that helpful in your situation, I don't know. If you don't mind, I'll say a prayer for your peace and strength during this time, peanuthead. Take good care of yourself!