Heaping on abuse when you go to them for comfort

[countrygirl]

Hi Sunflower,  Well, in my case, I made it out of the house, but didn't completely escape, because still deal with the results of having had PD parents:  It is the gift which keeps on giving. HOWEVER, I did make it out, and your nice note reminded me of that.  Plenty never make it out. 

And I want to reply to lost walrus.  I can so relate to your experience with your mother, especially the part about her calling you cold because you had to become guarded, out of self-protection.  My mother would say the same thing to me, that I didn't love her, that I was cold.  I was scared into silence and was almost afraid to move around her!  Things di don't improve once I was grown, and I was very guarded by then. A friend, an artist, used to say that I had a mysterious face.  I am sure that this was because I had been frightened out of showing feelings. 

[PixelBro]

Yes that is the norm for NPD people.
They just lack the hardware for empathy or anything related to other people.
When you do something that makes them look good and feel good - you get breadcrumbs of affection but they take all the credit.
When you do something that makes them look bad - you get punished and abused.
The child's reality or personality as not only ignored, but severely punished for existing.
There is no soul to connect to, just an offensive answering machine with pre-programmed answers.
And the possibility of getting something positive is literally zero.
Wish you the best, stay strong!

[footprint33]

Oh certainly! This reminds me of being the target of some mean girl bullying in junior high, and when I told my mom, she said, "Well what did you do to make them do that?"

Rebel, this is the exact same thing that happened to me and at the exact same time in life, and my parents' response to the bullying was just as damaging, if not more so, than the bullying itself. For years, I thought that I must have done something to instigate the bullying. These NPD parents are working from the same playbook!

My NPD mother, who has an MA in counseling and was of all things, an elementary and middle school guidance counselor (!) was the one who said, "Well, you must have done something to them" about the bullying. My NPD father, however, also told me to "just walk away" when I asked him for advice, barely considering my situation. In my case, the bullying got so bad that I was beaten in the locker room and had bruises left on my arms where two of the girls had held my arms. My mother saw those and then called the guidance counselor at my school, which was actually horrible because the guidance counselor came up to me in the middle of lunch and asked to see me. Everyone in the school knew way back then (80s) that kids seeing the guidance counselor were "troubled," and kids laughed at me when I had to leave the lunchroom with the guy.

As an aside, my mother lost her job as a counselor in the 90s due to an incident. Here's what happened: a 14 year old girl had come to her and told her that she'd had sex the weekend before with three older boys. Two of those boys were of adult age. My mother told the girl that she wouldn't tell anyone and that they'd just keep it between the two of them. The parents found out and it was against the law for my mother not to have told the parents. I vividly remember my mother telling me that the girl was "a little whore." Nice counselor.

footprint

[Rebel13]

My NPD mother, who has an MA in counseling and was of all things, an elementary and middle school guidance counselor (!) was the one who said, "Well, you must have done something to them" about the bullying. My NPD father, however, also told me to "just walk away" when I asked him for advice

Oh my gosh same! "Just ignore them and they'll stop." Right.

Also 1980s! Are you the sibling I never knew I had?!?!?

In my case, the bullying got so bad that I was beaten in the locker room and had bruises left on my arms where two of the girls had held my arms. My mother saw those and then called the guidance counselor at my school, which was actually horrible because the guidance counselor came up to me in the middle of lunch and asked to see me. Everyone in the school knew way back then (80s) that kids seeing the guidance counselor were "troubled," and kids laughed at me when I had to leave the lunchroom with the guy.

I am SO SORRY this happened to you! This is terrible. What I endured was mostly verbal, with some low-grade physical sexual harassment (bra snapping, bottom pinching). But I know so well that helpless, hopeless pit-of-stomach feeling that even when you ask for or get help, it just makes things worse.

My mother told the girl that she wouldn't tell anyone and that they'd just keep it between the two of them. The parents found out and it was against the law for my mother not to have told the parents. I vividly remember my mother telling me that the girl was "a little whore." Nice counselor.

footprint

Holy cow. Just. I am so glad we are grown up now and hopefully learning to protect ourselves.

[gonzo]

Whenever I went to my mother with a problem, I would receive one of two types of response. Either she would hijack the conversation to discuss something awful my father did to her years ago, or she would carefully maneuver the conversation toward getting me to admit that I was the one to blame for the situation. Either way, I'd always come away from the conversation feeling exhausted and wishing I hadn't brought it up. This led to me to being very guarded around her in later years, to which she responded by criticizing me for being cold.

I can totally 100% relate to this.

[moglow]

I can't say that I ever gone to or expected comfort from mother. She showed from very early on that she's just not that person. I did try way too long to share with her, gain some understanding and maybe even approval, but no. She doesn't appear to have and doesn't pretend empathy on any level, for anyone. I've seen her many times pretend interest, but that seems from an information gathering perspective only. Whatever she gains is used elsewhere. There's a victim blaming and "she could have told you that would happen" superiority that takes over. Maybe there's insecurity hiding behind those responses?

I guess it's a good thing to know it's definitely not just me, but the sheer emptiness and lack of compassion are mind boggling to me.