Heaping on abuse when you go to them for comfort

[Sunflower79]

I was thinking about this phenomenon recently and thought I'd ask here if anyone has had a similar experience with their NPD parents. 

I have many memories of being a child, teen, and young adult where I'd make a mistake, need comfort or help with my feelings, or advice about a problem and go to my father and instead, he'd actually turn on me and heap on additional verbal abuse. One good example was when I was in college and I has a terrible job with an awful boss. One day I'd had enough and stood up for myself.  I of course was fired, and I went to him hoping that he'd help soothe me or at the very least understand the injustice of it. That was a bad mistake because I was then verbally abused and shamed by him as well. I have a lot of similar experiences, and you get the idea. You're vulnerable, you need help, and instead of comfort you get abused more. Why would someone do that? What makes NPD people behave that way? Has anyone experienced that? 

Thanks all,

Sunflower

[Rebel13]

Oh certainly! This reminds me of being the target of some mean girl bullying in junior high, and when I told my mom, she said, "Well what did you do to make them do that?"

As an older teen I got a traffic ticket, and it was the same thing--I was blamed and punished for a harmless mistake.

Very classic victim blaming.

As to why they do it, I don't think anyone really knows. Jay Reid talks in his Youtube videos about how narcissistic parents have to project their feelings of inadequacy etc. onto their children. In other words, they make us carry the burden of feeling bad, unworthy, guilty etc., which they don't want to acknowledge in themselves, or learn how to deal with.

I also think people like that don't feel empathy. So when something happens, they don't think, oh, I would feel terrible if that happened to me/I did feel terrible when something like that happened, and here's what would help -- kind words, a hug, a real solution like protecting their child from bullying or helping her cope, etc. They just have some uncomfortable feeling that they unload by blaming someone else. "If you only ____, I wouldn't have had to ____."

I hope you are able to comfort yourself and stand up for yourself now without having that pit-of-stomach worry that you're about to get punished for doing something "wrong."  had a moment lately where I was able to internalize quite deeply that the bullying I experienced in school was NEVER my fault and never had anything to do with me. It was such a big relief to let go of all that shame!

[Liketheducks]

Yep....

As a kid I didn't see it as much.   But, as an adult....definitely.   Mom was living with us...and had offered to help with pick ups and drop offs for the school run....or watching our son periodically so we could have a night out.    When I would ask and set up dates....she'd show up to pick up 2 hours late...and it was my fault.   It happened often enough that I just stopped asking.    It was just easier.   

Or if something good happened....or if I achieved something....it was immediately poo poo'ed.  My husband surprised me with a new to me car.   One I had always wanted and it was in great shape.   I was so excited.   My dad's only response was that it would likely get me car jacked.   

I agree with the lack of empathy.   But in my family, it also feels like jealousy.   As if, I created a life for myself that I love and they have to take that down a notch.    They have all the kind words in the world for me, but their actions have never matched that.   

[GoodPesto]

Getting in line. Lot of memories coming up reading your post.
Wow, these were very painful moments. Already distraught because of something bad happening, looking for comfort and safety, being sent away hurting even more.
It's the ultimate disappointment and probably excellent breeding ground for self-hate, feelings of worthlessness and attachment disorders.
I do not have an answer as to why really but looking back it smells a little like a sadistic streak to me.
I'd say these moments were in some way the lonliest in my life and I am grateful to have experienced glimpses of what being parented feels like by others later.
Thank you for bringing this up, sunflower79. It is one of the subjects where it helps a lot to know one wasn't the only one. It makes it easier to silence any remaining parts that wonder if it was justified to be treated this way.

[walking on broken glass]

I strongly relate to this too. This is the reason why from an early age I stopped going to them with my worries and my problems because I didn't want to be blamed and shamed on top of how stressed I already was.

One thing stands out from my memories: as a postgraduate student, I lived in the same city as my sister, abroad. She was constantly tormenting me, verbally assaulting me and shaming me in front of my friends. My parents were making this my fault (I should be more present for her, more understanding etc.).This one time she called me a slut. I told my dad, how am I supposed to react when she calls me that? My dad said 'you must have done something to deserve that'.

I am sorry you had to deal with this too, sunflower. I agree with Rebel that it is lack of empathy, inability to process discomfort and negative feelings, and inability to accept responsibility. Everything is someone else's fault and if someone else is to blame, they can project their anger and shame on to them, and in this way they will regulate their nervous system and protect their fragile ego. It's all about ego defence taken to extremes.

[Adria]

Sunflower,

As with the others, I can also relate.

I worked at a place where because I didn't accept someone's advances, the man turned all the other men on me.  I was so dejected and knew better, but was hoping to get some comfort from my father. He said, "You just need to learn how to get along with people." I was crushed. And just before that, he told me that he ran into my boss, and my boss told him that I get along with everyone.  So, I think he was just trying to knock me down a peg.

Also, my sister used to try and steal every guy I dated. One in particular was a guy I dated for a long time, and she was jealous and came between us.  She did this a lot, but this time, it was someone I really cared about.  I went to my dad and told him, and he said, "You're just jealous."  That was the last time, I went to my parents for any comfort.

I learned early on, even when I was a little girl, that they were never there for me.  I learned that I was a child and I was alone.  I wonder, if they can make us feel bad, then they don't? Who knows, but that is the start of feeling invisible and learning your feelings don't matter to them.  So sad.

[Sunflower79]

Jay Reid talks in his Youtube videos about how narcissistic parents have to project their feelings of inadequacy etc. onto their children. In other words, they make us carry the burden of feeling bad, unworthy, guilty etc., which they don't want to acknowledge in themselves, or learn how to deal with.

You make a good point here. I wish so badly that I'd known about this when I was a kid because unfortunately, I really internalized all of that. He'd treat me so terribly and I got to thinking that the problem really was me- no matter how small the mistake way.  Took me years and years of therapy to unravel that ball of string.

[Sunflower79]

Or if something good happened....or if I achieved something....it was immediately poo poo'ed.  My husband surprised me with a new to me car.  One I had always wanted and it was in great shape.  I was so excited.  My dad's only response was that it would likely get me car jacked. 
 

This!!! I always wondered why sometimes he'd go bananas and heap on the praise and then other times he'd do the exact opposite and totally take me down a peg. Left me with whiplash never knowing if I could ever go to him for anything. This was so confusing and while I'm certainly not glad it happens to others, I am glad to know that it wasn't a unique experience.

[Sunflower79]

I'd say these moments were in some way the lonliest in my life and I am grateful to have experienced glimpses of what being parented feels like by others later.
Thank you for bringing this up, sunflower79. It is one of the subjects where it helps a lot to know one wasn't the only one. It makes it easier to silence any remaining parts that wonder if it was justified to be treated this way.

We were absolutely never meant to be treated this way. We were little kids being "taken care of" by toddlers in adult bodies. Big hugs to you. <3 <3 <3

[Sunflower79]

I strongly relate to this too. This is the reason why from an early age I stopped going to them with my worries and my problems because I didn't want to be blamed and shamed on top of how stressed I already was.

You were smarter than me!!! I kept going back over and over again smashing my head on the same wall- I really did internalize all of this and it took so long to let go of that BS.  I really appreciate you BrokenGlass.

[Sunflower79]

I learned early on, even when I was a little girl, that they were never there for me.  I learned that I was a child and I was alone.  I wonder, if they can make us feel bad, then they don't? Who knows, but that is the start of feeling invisible and learning your feelings don't matter to them.  So sad.

Wishing I could give you an enormous hug. All of us deserved so much better and it's miraculous that any of us ever made it out and are semi-well-adjusted adults. I think we are so boss for all the work we've done. Little me salutes little you.

[LavenderLime]

I can definitely relate to feeling unable to take my worries and problems to my mother because it never made me feel better. Looking back, I guess it was some point in my early teens, I never felt comforted so I started holding back. However, in our case, she would make it about herself - how the issue made her feel, how she was affected by it and then wouldn't let it go. If someone wronged me and we later made up, she would still hold the grudge. Even now, she will bring things up from the 80s and how she was still mad or whatever about it. So, this was still the sense of carrying her emotional burdens when I was trying to manage my own, like many of you have commented.
That sense of not being able to confide in someone close to me made it difficult to trust and open up to others in adulthood. It took me a long time to be able to ask for help - still working on that, at times.
Hugs to all of you!

[JR]

I can strongly relate to this type of behavior in my family, they have a strong need of punishing people and think its their job/duty to punish humiliate and demean others. As far as I can tell there is no amount of therapy,medication,strategies that can cure or even alleviate these behaviors that NARCs exhibit. They are just horrible people who are emotionally disturbed but think its everyone else who got the problem, and to be punished for imaginary crimes.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, me too. Bullying was met with being told I should simply expect that because I was smart and jealous people were always going to be that way. I should also agree with the bullies' put-downs. That was my dad. I stopped going to him for comfort around age 6. But I had internalized the belief that nobody was going to like me.

My mom was trickier. Generally she would dress things up as being compassionate and "helpful," but the pattern of blaming me for my problems was there. "I have a hard time socially." "Well maybe if you wouldn't xyz..." the double whammy was getting blame for things that were in fact caused by her, like when she manipulated me into getting short hair to be her mini me and then I got called unkind things against my sexuality. Every other girl had long hair and my school was painfully conformist. She said something to me like, "Well, you just have to be different!" Or the fact that I wasn't included because I was so rarely allowed to go when I was invited to things.

But she revealed herself when I had a sudden bad breakup at 19. I called to tell her about it and her response was, "Oh thank God, there were so many red flags there!" Now never had she mentioned a single one of these red flags to me. Not a word about how I was feeling. She would have launched into the red flags right then to relieve HER feelings. But I got off the phone quick. If she couldn't be bothered to protect me when it mattered I didn't want to hear it when it didn't.

She noticed that we were no longer "besties" like we used to be. I started to have my own fashion sense, separate opinions, etc. I sought validation away from her and for the first time, didn't feel guilty about that. My parents had quite a double act of making me believe the rest of the world would always be against me and my mom was the only person who cared. She was simply a more covert scapegoater than my father. Of course she defended him to the hilt that he really cared but didn't show it. We were really enmeshed, up until we weren't. I went to college and had real friends then. I saw how they treated me after that breakup vs how she did. I didn't understand it then the way I do now but I knew which relationships I wanted to lean into.

[countrygirl]

Hi Sunflower,

I"m sorry that you and everyone else who posted here had to endure this.  It is the loneliest feeling in the world when things arne't going well for you, you turn to someone who cares and they turn away, or at least don't turn toward.  Writing this makes me think about how sunflowers turn toward the sun.  You were trying to do that, but it turns out that you weren't turning toward a light source, just another narcissistic parent.  I hope you do find your own personal suns. 

I too used to turn to my father, who never offered me any help or advice or comfort.  He would just point out that I'd been to college.  In other words, that should have taken care of the remainder or my life, and he no longer had any responsibility toward me. I was on my own.  Yet I was STIL expected to want to visit my parents alll the time and be the dutiful daughter.  On my own, but not on my own, in other words.

I never went to my mother with a problem, because she was the biggest problem and had no comfort for me at all One time--in college, where one goes if one NEVER wants to have another problem in life--I made the mistake of calling home and sobbing to my mother about a break-up.  She sounded really displeased to be expected to hear about this and said, "Well, that's half the fun."  ???!!!!  Actually, when she was the one doing the breaking-up, I can believe she did enjoy it.  But that aside, she just did not want to be bothered with my problems.

To add a little levity, one time when I was trying to talk to her during a phone call home, she said that she had to go because she was washing out her pantyhose.  Well, she DID have her priorities.

I want to thank you, as others have, for bringing up this topic.  We tend to concentrate on how our parents treated us when we were young, or when they are old, but active abuse and passive negligence can also occur in this middle passage, when we would still benefit from their warmth and/or their advice, but we meet their cold  faces.

[Sunflower79]

I can definitely relate to feeling unable to take my worries and problems to my mother because it never made me feel better. Looking back, I guess it was some point in my early teens, I never felt comforted so I started holding back. However, in our case, she would make it about herself - how the issue made her feel, how she was affected by it and then wouldn't let it go. If someone wronged me and we later made up, she would still hold the grudge. Even now, she will bring things up from the 80s and how she was still mad or whatever about it. So, this was still the sense of carrying her emotional burdens when I was trying to manage my own, like many of you have commented.
That sense of not being able to confide in someone close to me made it difficult to trust and open up to others in adulthood. It took me a long time to be able to ask for help - still working on that, at times.
Hugs to all of you!

I totally get this and completely understand.  It's so lonely and a really difficult pattern to interrupt.

[Sunflower79]

I can strongly relate to this type of behavior in my family, they have a strong need of punishing people and think its their job/duty to punish humiliate and demean others. As far as I can tell there is no amount of therapy,medication,strategies that can cure or even alleviate these behaviors that NARCs exhibit. They are just horrible people who are emotionally disturbed but think its everyone else who got the problem, and to be punished for imaginary crimes.

This sounds so tedious and exhausting. So much negativity- I wonder what it's like living in a head like that- can't be very nice.

[Sunflower79]

I went to college and had real friends then. I saw how they treated me after that breakup vs how she did. I didn't understand it then the way I do now but I knew which relationships I wanted to lean into.

I can totally relate to this feeling. I was an adult before I realized that lots of people had families who would *help* them in times of trouble. Like they actually cared, problem solved and tried their best to help their children overcome things. While it was a lonely revelation, it also gave me a little hope that I could do things differently.

[Sunflower79]

Hi Sunflower,

I"m sorry that you and everyone else who posted here had to endure this.  It is the loneliest feeling in the world when things arne't going well for you, you turn to someone who cares and they turn away, or at least don't turn toward.  Writing this makes me think about how sunflowers turn toward the sun.  You were trying to do that, but it turns out that you weren't turning toward a light source, just another narcissistic parent.  I hope you do find your own personal suns. 

I too used to turn to my father, who never offered me any help or advice or comfort.  He would just point out that I'd been to college.  In other words, that should have taken care of the remainder or my life, and he no longer had any responsibility toward me. I was on my own.  Yet I was STIL expected to want to visit my parents alll the time and be the dutiful daughter.  On my own, but not on my own, in other words.

I never went to my mother with a problem, because she was the biggest problem and had no comfort for me at all One time--in college, where one goes if one NEVER wants to have another problem in life--I made the mistake of calling home and sobbing to my mother about a break-up.  She sounded really displeased to be expected to hear about this and said, "Well, that's half the fun."  ???!!!!  Actually, when she was the one doing the breaking-up, I can believe she did enjoy it.  But that aside, she just did not want to be bothered with my problems.

To add a little levity, one time when I was trying to talk to her during a phone call home, she said that she had to go because she was washing out her pantyhose.  Well, she DID have her priorities.

I want to thank you, as others have, for bringing up this topic.  We tend to concentrate on how our parents treated us when we were young, or when they are old, but active abuse and passive negligence can also occur in this middle passage, when we would still benefit from their warmth and/or their advice, but we meet their cold  faces.

You are a precious person. The bit about the pantyhose is hilarious. How did we make it out of these houses countrygirl???

[lost walrus]

Whenever I went to my mother with a problem, I would receive one of two types of response. Either she would hijack the conversation to discuss something awful my father did to her years ago, or she would carefully maneuver the conversation toward getting me to admit that I was the one to blame for the situation. Either way, I'd always come away from the conversation feeling exhausted and wishing I hadn't brought it up. This led to me to being very guarded around her in later years, to which she responded by criticizing me for being cold.

Bottom line, when dealing with this sort of relationship, you just have to choose between the least bad option, because there aren't any good ones.