I didn't expect NC to be this easy

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. I went NC last year in June and, of course my life is much better now.
However, I have no feelings regarding NC. I feel no shame or guilt, I am also not sad either. I know how mean my family was, even with each other. So I can't feel guilty about abandoning those horrible individuals. They all have each other anyway. My two brothers are going to be in contact until my parents die.
When I look back, I remember how weird the feeling of being in contact with them was.

I'm a nice person who cares about people's feelings. They do not care. At all. So being in the same house and city with them felt like a surreal experience. It didn't feel right somehow.
I don't think I will ever reconnect with them. All I feel for them now is pity.

It's sad that they are so traumatised and have chosen a life of power and abuse. Having power over others does not heal anything, it actually makes it much worse. Hurting others will hurt you and prolong your misery. But I need to respect their wishes. If they want suffering and find pleasure in it, I accept that.

I chose freedom, joy and peace, therefore no contact was an important step towards all that.

How is everyone doing with no contact? I'd like to hear other people's stories.

Mary P

[mustard_seed]

This is awesome to hear, mary_poppins. Enjoy this freedom, joy, and peace! You worked hard to untangle yourself, if I remember correctly you were even living with PD family not so long ago. What amazing progress you've made.

Sometimes I wonder if NC would make it easier for me with my upd-mom. I'm LC with visits every month or so and weekly text check-ins. It's very cyclical, in that I have to recover from every interaction and reset and clear my mind in order to get back to my new healthier baseline. And knowing about her life and problems triggers for me a lot of FOG that I have to be vigilant about. Holidays and birthdays are especially difficult.

It's interesting to hear about others' experiences, especially the differences between NC and LC. So happy for you.

[bloomie]

I went NC last year in June and, of course my life is much better now.
However, I have no feelings regarding NC. I feel no shame or guilt, I am also not sad either. I know how mean my family was, even with each other.

and this:

It's sad that they are so traumatised and have chosen a life of power and abuse. Having power over others does not heal anything, it actually makes it much worse. Hurting others will hurt you and prolong your misery. But I need to respect their wishes. If they want suffering and find pleasure in it, I accept that.

mary_poppins - these statements stood out to me because I cannot help but see the link between your respecting the choices your foo make/are making about their lives and the wise decisions you have made to choose "freedom, joy and peace" for yourself.

It makes perfect sense that you have found equilibrium and balance in your emotional response and do not suffer with guilt and shame for making healthy life choices for yourself. Most of us here can imagine the hard work and journey getting to this place of peace has been and I, for one, am inspired. Thank you for sharing!!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Good for you, MaryPoppins, in having reached a place of peace in your life.

I think when you (we) get to a place where we realize our peace can only be achieved through distancing ourselves from others, it only comes through prior efforts to resolve dynamics that were not within our realm to resolve. It comes through reflection, growth, hard achieved awareness and an unshakable need for self-protection.
             
That journey is not an easy one. When you are there however, and have clarity and not guilt, I think it is a reflection that NC has set you on a healthy course. Freedom from guilt is a great thing.     
     
I went NC over seven years ago with family members and never once had a tug of guilt about it. I also was surprised I never felt conflicted about it, but then noticed I never felt better in my life so just knew I could never go back. 
     
       

[Rebel13]

I'm so glad you are doing well, mary_poppins! For myself, getting space was invaluable in growing and changing, and it sounds like it has worked for you too.

I haven't felt any guilt about not talking to my mom -- going on three years now. I had tried so hard, for so long, that when I gave up I knew there was nothing that would fix her or our relationship. At first I was angry about the last interaction. Over time that has dissipated and now I sometimes just feel a little bit sad for her. But mostly nothing, just glad that's over.

I'm struggling now with feelings that I think are past trauma fallout, triggered by someone who's like her, and who has some power over me. This has happened to me through my life. I don't know if people who were raised by PDs have behavior patterns that attract other PDs as friends, colleagues, etc., or if the way I was raised gives me trouble tolerating any kind of self-absorbed and delusional behavior from others.

That's just to say, for me the journey hasn't ended with NC. I think it's time for me to jump back into some reading -- I have Lindsay Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa on my shelf.

Please keep us posted how you're doing, mary_poppins. I hope things keep going well for you and you aren't plagued by "fleas" like I have been!

[walking on broken glass]

So nice to hear, Mary Poppins! I hope I reach this stage some day.

[mary_poppins]

This is awesome to hear, mary_poppins. Enjoy this freedom, joy, and peace! You worked hard to untangle yourself, if I remember correctly you were even living with PD family not so long ago. What amazing progress you've made.

Sometimes I wonder if NC would make it easier for me with my upd-mom. I'm LC with visits every month or so and weekly text check-ins. It's very cyclical, in that I have to recover from every interaction and reset and clear my mind in order to get back to my new healthier baseline. And knowing about her life and problems triggers for me a lot of FOG that I have to be vigilant about. Holidays and birthdays are especially difficult.

It's interesting to hear about others' experiences, especially the differences between NC and LC. So happy for you.

Yes, definitely. NC really helps and brings a lot of peace and quiet in one's life. I still have a lot of grieving to do. But I couldn't just stay in contact out of guilt or obligation (this was my reason to remain LC years ago; the guilt was too strong).

No one can take decisions for you but I can tell you that NC changes your entire life for the better.

Hugs.

[mary_poppins]

I went NC last year in June and, of course my life is much better now.
However, I have no feelings regarding NC. I feel no shame or guilt, I am also not sad either. I know how mean my family was, even with each other.

and this:

It's sad that they are so traumatised and have chosen a life of power and abuse. Having power over others does not heal anything, it actually makes it much worse. Hurting others will hurt you and prolong your misery. But I need to respect their wishes. If they want suffering and find pleasure in it, I accept that.

mary_poppins - these statements stood out to me because I cannot help but see the link between your respecting the choices your foo make/are making about their lives and the wise decisions you have made to choose "freedom, joy and peace" for yourself.

It makes perfect sense that you have found equilibrium and balance in your emotional response and do not suffer with guilt and shame for making healthy life choices for yourself. Most of us here can imagine the hard work and journey getting to this place of peace has been and I, for one, am inspired. Thank you for sharing!!

Thanks, bloomie

[mary_poppins]

Good for you, MaryPoppins, in having reached a place of peace in your life.

I think when you (we) get to a place where we realize our peace can only be achieved through distancing ourselves from others, it only comes through prior efforts to resolve dynamics that were not within our realm to resolve. It comes through reflection, growth, hard achieved awareness and an unshakable need for self-protection.
             
That journey is not an easy one. When you are there however, and have clarity and not guilt, I think it is a reflection that NC has set you on a healthy course. Freedom from guilt is a great thing.     
     
I went NC over seven years ago with family members and never once had a tug of guilt about it. I also was surprised I never felt conflicted about it, but then noticed I never felt better in my life so just knew I could never go back. 
     
       

Blueberry Pancakes: thanks for responding. I didn't know there are others like me who feel no guilt. And congrats for the 7 years of NC. Yes, it took me many, many years of contact, LC, NC, back to LC and then NC to finally realize it's impossible for these people to change and for me to stay in contact with them the way they are.

I don't know if I even love them (do you still love yours?), it's a difficult question for me to answer.
I've only gotten abuse and guikt trips from them. Never had a moment of empathy and compassion, no one ever took an interest in me, my hobbies or my lifestyle (travelling, writing, foreign languages etc). Yes, they are fammily but I can't stay in touch with them if they're so incredibly hurtful.

I remember when I moved out, I was waiting for one of my brothers to come so I could say Good bye to him. (he is NPD). He came, exchanged a few words with my parents and left as quickly as he came. I never talked to him or saw him after that. That was incredibly hurtful. Not even a message to tell me have a safe trip or good luck or see you. How horrible.

[mary_poppins]

So nice to hear, Mary Poppins! I hope I reach this stage some day.

You will, I am rooting for you.

[mary_poppins]

I'm so glad you are doing well, mary_poppins! For myself, getting space was invaluable in growing and changing, and it sounds like it has worked for you too.

I haven't felt any guilt about not talking to my mom -- going on three years now. I had tried so hard, for so long, that when I gave up I knew there was nothing that would fix her or our relationship. At first I was angry about the last interaction. Over time that has dissipated and now I sometimes just feel a little bit sad for her. But mostly nothing, just glad that's over.

I'm struggling now with feelings that I think are past trauma fallout, triggered by someone who's like her, and who has some power over me. This has happened to me through my life. I don't know if people who were raised by PDs have behavior patterns that attract other PDs as friends, colleagues, etc., or if the way I was raised gives me trouble tolerating any kind of self-absorbed and delusional behavior from others.

That's just to say, for me the journey hasn't ended with NC. I think it's time for me to jump back into some reading -- I have Lindsay Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa on my shelf.

Please keep us posted how you're doing, mary_poppins. I hope things keep going well for you and you aren't plagued by "fleas" like I have been!

Hi Rebel13.

Oh yeah. I do have those struggles you are talking about. Attracting people like my mom or family members. I think it is because we still don't have strong boundaries (I say I do but when I think about it, many things happened lately that proved I have weak boundaries) and we need someone to teach us that.
Tolerating abusers makes us attract more shitty behavior-there should not be any tolerance for immoral, corrupt behavior. I work with people who have strong boundaries and I try to learn from them. If someone oversteps their boundary, they quickly opt out of that relationship and move on. They are good role models.

The healing process is hard and challenging. But these are small things in comparison with the awful reality of being in contact with a mother who just wants you to suffer anf struggle like she does. It's so sad NPDs are like this but we can't heal them. They need to want to heal and work on themselves and seek help.

Mine won't ever do that.

[Creative_Name]

My two cents, feel free to take or leave.

I hear you saying you didn't think it would be this easy. There are parts that can be easy.

Our brains are very wise and sometimes they help us process things at levels that are more digestible. Sometimes our brain shuts off our connection to our emotions for self preservation, it's a stress response. One that's often needed in highly dysfunctional families. Not saying that's happening here.

I suspect the emotions will come. I do hear a range of emotion in things you've said... some peace, confusion, anger, some sadness..

NC is an ambiguous grief. We don't necessarily miss the people because of how we were treated. There is generally a grief of what should've been that wasn't. Does that make sense? Grief of not having, in your case from what I read, a mother who is nurturing, emotionally attuned, kind, etc. sometimes a grief for the innocent little one we used to be who received such undeserved awful treatment.

It's also true that NC is a relief. You've already been through the worst of it - what you lived through that brought you to the point of going NC.

I read in a previous post you were planning to go to counseling, I hope you did and you find it helpful. With the right counselor, it's a game changer.

[mary_poppins]

My two cents, feel free to take or leave.

I hear you saying you didn't think it would be this easy. There are parts that can be easy.

Our brains are very wise and sometimes they help us process things at levels that are more digestible. Sometimes our brain shuts off our connection to our emotions for self preservation, it's a stress response. One that's often needed in highly dysfunctional families. Not saying that's happening here.

I suspect the emotions will come. I do hear a range of emotion in things you've said... some peace, confusion, anger, some sadness..

NC is an ambiguous grief. We don't necessarily miss the people because of how we were treated. There is generally a grief of what should've been that wasn't. Does that make sense? Grief of not having, in your case from what I read, a mother who is nurturing, emotionally attuned, kind, etc. sometimes a grief for the innocent little one we used to be who received such undeserved awful treatment.

It's also true that NC is a relief. You've already been through the worst of it - what you lived through that brought you to the point of going NC.

I read in a previous post you were planning to go to counseling, I hope you did and you find it helpful. With the right counselor, it's a game changer.

Hi. You're totally right. I did repress some of the emotions. I noticed in therapy that each time I talked about my mother, I'd get angry and pissed. There's also some grief involved. I didn't grieve yet but will do so when I'm ready.

[JustKathy]

Hi Mary_Poppins!

I'm so happy to hear that going NC is working out well for you and that you feel no shame or guilt. You shouldn't. You need to take care of yourself. You made the right choice.

I went NC with my NPD mother and enabling father, and stayed NC until they both passed away. When my mother was dying of cancer, I made the decision to stay NC because I knew she would never apologize and would likely attack me further before she passed. I've read that they do that, and I didn't need any further trauma. It's been about ten years now, and I have no regrets. None.

My father tried to reach out to me after my mother passed, but all he did was attempt to shame me. He would send birthday cards saying, "Happy Birthday. It would be decent of you to show up and visit me." I told myself I would go visit him if he apologized for enabling my mother. He never did. He continued to shame me until he, too, passed.

After they died, my two siblings cut ties with me. In a strange twist that I never saw coming, my sister became more evil than my mother and even attempted to steal my inheritance. She now spends her days attacking me on her Facebook page, accusing me of things I never did. So what I'm now realizing is that both of my siblings had been turned against me at a very young age, and I was going to lose them anyway. It sucks, but it's not my fault, and there's nothing I can do but accept it for what it is and move on.

Long story short, going NC was the right thing to do. I have no regrets. I was a much happier person once the abuse and trauma were removed from my life.

Like you, I also chose freedom, joy, and peace. Best decision I ever made. I'm so happy you're now enjoying the happiness and peace you deserve.

[Liketheducks]

I don't know how I missed this.   I'm so glad for you MaryPoppins.    I also didn't feel anything about going NC/VLC.   To me, it was just the way things had to be.   I don't regret it in the slightest.   Now, the grief was another matter entirely.   And, the flying monkeys....that made me question my decision for a hot minute or two.   But, nope.   I don't apologize for the NC/VLC.   It was the best decision I could have made for my own peace.   

There were some things that my mom did really well when raising me.   One was not to put up with BS.   I guess she never imagined that this would apply to her.

[GC8]

If you can maintain no contact for the rest of your life you are fortunate.


I had no contact with my father for nearly twenty years.
then i got married and had children, and things seemed to change he reached out to me.
put us up for visits seemed to enjoy having my kids around.
twenty years is a long time. i assumed he probably grew up.

then this year. everything went back to "normal" i regret introducing him to my children.

my mother is not much better.
when i met my wife i honestly considered telling her my parents were dead at that time i also hadn't spoken to my mother in about six years.
however, i thought if they show up someday how could i explain and the lie would cause more trouble in the end.

so now i'm in a very difficult position.
my wife does not understand how useless and hurtful my parents are also my children know they exist.
so i'm not sure how i can navigate these relationships.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Mary_Poppins!

I'm so happy to hear that going NC is working out well for you and that you feel no shame or guilt. You shouldn't. You need to take care of yourself. You made the right choice.

I went NC with my NPD mother and enabling father, and stayed NC until they both passed away. When my mother was dying of cancer, I made the decision to stay NC because I knew she would never apologize and would likely attack me further before she passed. I've read that they do that, and I didn't need any further trauma. It's been about ten years now, and I have no regrets. None.

My father tried to reach out to me after my mother passed, but all he did was attempt to shame me. He would send birthday cards saying, "Happy Birthday. It would be decent of you to show up and visit me." I told myself I would go visit him if he apologized for enabling my mother. He never did. He continued to shame me until he, too, passed.

After they died, my two siblings cut ties with me. In a strange twist that I never saw coming, my sister became more evil than my mother and even attempted to steal my inheritance. She now spends her days attacking me on her Facebook page, accusing me of things I never did. So what I'm now realizing is that both of my siblings had been turned against me at a very young age, and I was going to lose them anyway. It sucks, but it's not my fault, and there's nothing I can do but accept it for what it is and move on.

Long story short, going NC was the right thing to do. I have no regrets. I was a much happier person once the abuse and trauma were removed from my life.

Like you, I also chose freedom, joy, and peace. Best decision I ever made. I'm so happy you're now enjoying the happiness and peace you deserve.

Hi Just Kathy.

I'm just seeing your post now. You are inspiring so thanks. I don't expect NPDs to change when they're sick or dying. So I assume me coming to see them in that time will change nothing between us. I'm glad you maintained NC long after they died. I will save your post as a reminder to not stray from my chosen path.

[mary_poppins]

If you can maintain no contact for the rest of your life you are fortunate.


I had no contact with my father for nearly twenty years.
then i got married and had children, and things seemed to change he reached out to me.
put us up for visits seemed to enjoy having my kids around.
twenty years is a long time. i assumed he probably grew up.

then this year. everything went back to "normal" i regret introducing him to my children.

my mother is not much better.
when i met my wife i honestly considered telling her my parents were dead at that time i also hadn't spoken to my mother in about six years.
however, i thought if they show up someday how could i explain and the lie would cause more trouble in the end.

so now i'm in a very difficult position.
my wife does not understand how useless and hurtful my parents are also my children know they exist.
so i'm not sure how i can navigate these relationships.

GC8

Sorry to hear about your update regarding NC. But i don't think NC is black and white. we can resume contact if we feel like we need to because..why not? No one decides this but us. And sometimes it's good to resume contact. I did it once and don't regret it. It was during covid, I thought they'd die and needed to see them before that. Of course they're still healthy and well now..

and..you can always decide to take control back and resume NC. if that's what you feel you should do.

NPDs/BPDs are so difficult and being raised by them causes so many issues-so our minds will go back and forth between wanting our PD parents and their validation and separating from them and taking back our own independence. It's not easy so give yourself a break. You are doing your best

[ChelseyTrombley]

So my mother decided to cut off contact with me permanently, which I haven't heard too many stories of it going this way. I was of course deciding whether or not I would go no contact with her, but I had planned to address that in 2027.

I felt so much relief and have felt so much better mentally and physically since my mother cut me off. It was one of those situations where I was never going to win because I would have to do and think exactly what she wants me to do.

She chose to go no contact with me by having my father drop off Christmas presents and saying that Christmas was canceled, which hurts from time to time because it is my favorite holiday and I want to find joy in that holiday again.

If I were to run the what if scenario in my head, I know that I would not feel comfortable reaching out to my mother and trying to get together for the holidays because I think something would come up and she would cancel the holiday again. I can't live my life on pins and needles.

I am only about a month in, but I know it's the right decision to remain no contact with her