About to go NC and struggling later in life

[cwylie66]

Hello! Just made an account here and feel safer here than more popular forums.

First off, I am pushing 60 with chronic illness and hidden disabilities and autism. Six years ago I made the mistake of getting a house with my elderly mother because I wanted to make sure I could look after her. After she is gone, she wanted to make sure I had a home in a place I can live.
This has been a nightmare for over 6 years as she is borderline and narcissist adjacent, but she generally has had my back in life.

My real problem is my narcissist father and his second family. My mother is concerned for my future, and so she reached out to him (and by default my step-mother, who has never worked since marrying my father's money - and  who has always hated my mother and is a narcissist herself, I figured out.)
 
She wanted to ask him to put some more money into my disability account and help me get a car. I work part-time but the rising costs of living do not allow me to save enough for a car. In trying to live away from her, I ended up in a terrible HUD housing situation that decimated me, it was so unhealthy and dysfunctional, I had to move back in with her just to breathe clean air. I need a regular apartment. I have acquired three more chronic illnesses while living with her.

I also have terrible CPTSD from both of these people. I barely got out of my teens and young adulthood alive, yet I still consider myself youthful in spite of everything. 

So, she calls him up and my step-mother makes the call about her, screaming at my mother over something she said to her 45 years ago and hangs up the phone, just as my father is angrily saying to her, "Cut to the chase, you want more money for her." He never picked the phone back up to talk.

My mother then spends three months obsessing over writing just the right letter, explaining exactly how I am disabled and that I need to have a safety net after they are gone so I can keep the house she is leaving me as that is all I will have to leverage for any old age care I might need.

Now, there is nothing after five days but silence. I know he is not going to respond to her.
I have been trying to work harder at my home business so I no longer have to remind him to send the quarterly $500 monthly payments into my ABLE account, but I struggle to keep up to the max allowed I can make on SSDI. (My mother got him to do this some years ago.)

I no longer want much to do with him or my step-mother.It's been too much shaming, erasure, and record keeping on me like I am  an expense to be managed.

I have decided to give up reminding about the money that I do need, because I no longer want to deal with them. I saw the will he left out and he is leaving me 100k as a gift amount and they have millions. While that is not nothing, I am feeling like any money or involvement with him is a major compromise to my dignity and self worth.

I have not visited them since September of 2024. I drove two days to visit and they left on their own vacation they never told me about and spent an extra day with my half-brother. This is when I saw the will out. In 1987, when I was hospitalized for the fallout of severe depression, I was to be left nothing unless four people died. Then, in 2014, I was upgraded to that gift amount.

Seven years ago, I ran up there to help when my father was hit by a car and in a medical crisis. When I had to ask for travel money home, since I was not working while there, and they always paid my travel up to visit,  my step-mother lost it on me and called me a loser and told me all my disabilities were in my head. I told my father all this as he was recovering and he was all comforting and then asked me to go and tell her I was okay so she would feel better. I did not.

Eventually, things smoothed out but I had flashbacks of her yelling at me like that for years. Now, since I heard she yelled at my mother, I am having flashbacks again and I am officially done with her. I did not, for the first time I've known her, send a Mother's Day card or Birthday gift. I barely got through sending my father something for Father's Day which he acted really gracious and thankful for. I did not call him, just responded to his email.

I know he is going to ignore yet another conversation about my long-term well-being and current needs and I am prepared to send any birthday card and check he sends right back as "Refused/RTS".

In short, I am completely depressed because when my mother is gone, I will have zero family left and yet I am so sick of these people. I could really use whatever help I can get, but I cannot subject myself to anymore to this. I also found out he keeps a large folder of every check he ever sent me, which will end up being much, much less support than my non-disabled half-brothers have gotten and will be millionaires after they are gone. My step-mother also inherited over 4 million from her rich brother.

I figured out that $500 a month is $16 dollars a day and it has been a leash to keep me compliant on some level in the family scapegoat role, and I want to be done with it. I am just really depressed. I am sick and tired of dealing with my mother whoes PD issues are getting worse with age and I am tired of them. I feel like a teenager again stuck in no-win situations of dependency on them. I hate it. I hate being disabled and not having the energy or consistent good days or hours to work full time anymore. 

Thanks for listening and if anyone has anything similar to share, I would love to hear how you got through it all. At this point. I think I will be okay. My mother is 86, not looking so well, and I doubt she will live another two years, and then I will have her house, if it doesn't go to her old age care as she has limited savings for care, and I can use this house to keep myself going.

But for now, I am going to get a regular apartment. My mother said she would help. I am going to try and increase my earnings, and just get through 1-2 years. I did save almost 26k in the ABLE account while living here, but she keeps telling me not to touch it because I will need it to maintain this house, but I need relief now before I get much sicker. I am tired of her trying to control me as well. I am tired of both of these people. Some day I will be free, but NC is looming with the father and his family.

[bloomie]

Hi, and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for giving us a bit of context of the difficult relationships that bring you here. I am sorry that things have devolved to such a degree with your father and his family and that your mother's health is fragile. All as you are finding the best way to have some independence and live without the specter of financial concerns.

Just from the bit you share here, it sure seems like your plan to find an apartment for yourself and continue to build your earning capacity is a good one. The financial ties sound like they have been a great stressor and source of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) which is what we come here to learn to come out of.

Keep coming back and letting us know how you are as you are able. Make good use of the resources at the drop down menus above and join the conversations taking place on the board for support and insights. Sending  you strength as you go forward! 

[Tribe16]

But for now, I am going to get a regular apartment. My mother said she would help. I am going to try and increase my earnings, and just get through 1-2 years. I did save almost 26k in the ABLE account while living here, but she keeps telling me not to touch it because I will need it to maintain this house, but I need relief now before I get much sicker. I am tired of her trying to control me as well. I am tired of both of these people. Some day I will be free, but NC is looming with the father and his family.

Hi cwylie66,

I am feeling big time for you. I hope you will listen to your heart and NOT the NPD gang - you have $25k of seed money to make your escape. That is a blessing. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I think your body and mind can rest and heal without all the negativity pressing down on you. Since I went no contact with my mother, I managed to lose 40 lbs. I don't think that's a coincidence.

I am 66 and love looking for little side hustles - please accept this link with my good intentions - I asked what kinds of things a person can do to earn $500 a month at home (thinking of replacing what you've lost from Dad) and here is a link that might spark an idea: https://partners.thepennyhoarder.com/50-ways-sdyn-prt/  It might be a great question to ask AI if you're up to it.

Glad you're here and hope you find support and understanding - we get it.

[cwylie66]

Thank you so much for the replies. My mother sent a long email to my father and he stepped up with more money, which I am not that happy about, but I am going to take it as reparations and still remain low contact so I can afford an apartment, keep my savings for a rainy day, and have less stress financially.

I am still no contact with my step-mother and will remind low contact with him. I am beginning to separate the extra support from an emotional obligation.

I am sorry it took so long to reply. I thought I Might get an email about replies, but I see I need to be on this forum more and it's a good place to be. Thank you.

My birthday came and went and it was extremely difficult not to get a call from my father but I didn't call him on Father's Day but send a card and a gift. It was just different. My father and step-mother used to call me together and I started to second guess myself that maybe I should fix this.

But now that 6 days has passed, I am over that notion and realize that the bargaining I was going through and the longing for the pretense of the way things "were" - though never healthy, was my inner child feeling unsafe again. I am now onto reparenting my inner child and getting away from the narrative of myself being the problem in the family.

thank you so much for your kind words.