Not doing well

[Trinity85]

I'm not doing well. I'm really trying. I've signed up for every class I can possibly think of. I've started a number of projects. I'm introducing myself to random strangers at the gym. I'm considering fostering an animal. I am doing everything I can possibly think of to keep myself going. But there are moments where I completely lose it and reach out to him. I hate myself for that. His treatment of me is nothing short of emotional abuse, and yet I am struggling. I don't understand. I know if I can't end this, it will kill me. Please help.

[xredshoesx]

sending gentle hugs @Trinity85

I am glad you are trying out so many new things to try to get a sense of who you are and to gain some community IRL. I remember just sitting alone in my apt terrified to do ANYTHING but at the same time my heart was beating out of my chest because I was also afraid to be alone at the same time.  working with my therapy group helped me to relate this feeling to the trauma I had locked up inside from being abandoned and/or rejected by my biological mother multiple times.

please don't beat yourself up for the times you do reach out.  I think it's human and understood that we may reach out a few more times because something in our make up has the need to still TRY even when things are beyond fixing with a person we care about.  have you considered talking to someone to get some extra IRL support when the waves of grief knock you lowest?  I did use some of the 800 type hotlines to help me at my lowest (no insurance needed) and it was the triage I needed at the time.

remember you are worthy and valid and the way you were treated in your relationship was WRONG.  you didn't cause your ex's problems, you can't control them and you certainly can't cure them.

holding space for you today-

[Trinity85]

Thank you @xredshoesx. Last night was very, very bad.

I found a virtual therapy intensive online that has a group component so I'm looking into that - I also forced myself to start learning a new language because it's another thing to keep my mind occupied.

I considered the 800 hotlines as well. I am really trying.

I just feel so isolated and it all seems so unfair. It's not just the way that I was treated, but the fact that it's all a secret and that everyone thinks he is such a great guy. I guess people thought Ted Bundy was a great person as well.

 

[Poison Ivy]

Trinity, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Is there someone you can talk to in person so that this is no longer a secret?

[Trinity85]

Not really @PoisonIvy

[Poison Ivy]

Would you be open to people brainstorming here about ways for you to get help in person in real life, including for how to get from "looking into" and "considered" to signing up for the virtual therapy and calling a hotline?

[hhaw]

Trinity:

I've been watching an Instagram gal, Lindsay Stoker's account the_control_code and her zero bs, sometimes angry explanations and stories really hit confusing bullseyes, for me, to restore clarity, regarding the why's of abuse cycles, and the damage it does to the abused person's cognitive operating systems.

Don't be afraid of your anger....
at the abuse, your abuser, and the broken systems enabling and normalizing abuse.

In the meantime....
please be so very gentle with yourself......
Try to drop judgement and replace with curiosity....
Embrace radical acceptance....
Drop expectations, as you can.

You aren't broken.  You're remembering who you are, bc your authentic self has been lied to, manipulated, and misled.

Now is the time to sit in nonjudgmental awareness, and listen to what comes up, bc the discomfort, pain, and anxiety are messengers asking for attention, and, like a child, to be tended to.

So.....when you're spinning out, just sit in that, without allowing the reactivity, of doing what you've always done to relieve it, overtake you.

You're training your Nervous System to wait before repeating harmful patterns out of habit.

You're widening your window of tolerance, in order to restore choice in your life.

When you pay attention to your internal world, you're training your Nervous System to choose Responsiveness and your ability to respond to your needs
VS
Reacting and doing doing doing in order to distract yourself, short term, to relieve anxiety asking you to change unconscious operating systems you'll notice.....once you learn to sit.....just be still, and pay attention to your internal world, instead of acting.

Keeping a journal is sometimes helpful to gain huge insights.

A trauma informed therapist is a good guide through the process, IME.

And.....when you're unable to sit ..come to this forum, and we'll sit with you, talk with you....help you in the many ways people can, who've been where you are.

Now.....breathe .....keep breathing, slow, fill your lungs, like a vase.....bottom to top. Focus on that, your peripheral vision, sounds.....touch grass.

Time for new mistakes, Trinity.  You can put down the old ones now. 

Even if it's not ok.....
It's ok.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @hhaw. I get upset at myself for turning to him when he's the reason I feel this way, and I was having a particularly bad night of it when I posted. I don't feel better but I am ok. I do have a therapist but have been looking for other resources. But at the end of the day, I have to dig myself out. I will keep trying.

[Rebel13]

Hi Trinity85, I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Those times of internal strife and turmoil can be so hard to sit through! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself, and sometimes you feel crappy anyway. On the Insight Timer app there is a brief meditation for the days that suck which has helped me on those days.

Sometimes I just get tired of fighting. In those moments the RAIN meditation or even parts of it might help. Sometimes I only get through the first step of recognition -- "yep, this is how I feel."  Accepting that I feel crappy, or that I am wanting to do something I know isn't good for me, and that is reality right now, and it's OK. A good companion for this is the 3-Minute Self-Compassion break. I can't find it on the Insight Timer site but it's in their app, and I wrote more about it here.

Really wishing you the best and hoping you know that this won't last forever. All the feelings, impulses, compulsions, habits and whatnot pass on eventually if we can be kind to ourselves and stop grooving them deeper into our being. Please keep taking the best care of you that you can.

[xredshoesx]

@Trinity85

at times I think it was spite and knowing how well I could do would piss my ex (and my mom's family off even more) so for me, anger really was a gift.  glad to hear from you and keep being gentle with yourself-  baby steps

[Trinity85]

Thank you @Rebel13

@xredshoesx I agree that anger can be a great motivator.

[BreatheDeep]

<snip>

I just feel so isolated and it all seems so unfair. It's not just the way that I was treated, but the fact that it's all a secret and that everyone thinks he is such a great guy. I guess people thought Ted Bundy was a great person as well. 

This part really gets to me as well. It drives me crazy sometimes. My actual life experiences remain hidden and unvalidated, while he gets appreciation for being "such a nice guy" (nobody seems to notice that he seldom follows up on all his offers to do this or that!  )

At best I'm left with isolation from others (in reality and also in how I feel), and at worst, with disdain or flying-monkey abuse. It's immensely unfair and I think anyone who goes through this has every right to feel tremendous anger and grief.

I'm currently trying to navigate this myself, and it's really hard. Someone once told me "the only way out is through," but I personally hate to cry LOL so I think I'm resisting that part. It really eats at me though.

On the other hand, I'm doing OK with the anger part.    It's more energizing, and, I don't know, life-affirming?

You're in my thoughts, Trinity!

[Trinity85]

Thank you @BreatheDeep. You as well.

[1footouttadefog]

It took me a long time to realize that often it's not the them we are reaching out to, it's the false sense of him or her that we bought into.  It's the false presentation of a person that we fell in love with and have worked to get to come back and stay.  We are addicted in many cases to a false constrict that we played a role in creating. 

Every overlooked red flag.  Every something is not lining up that we made an excuse for.  Every , hmm it must be me that we papered over their abuse with. 

Consider that so some extent you are tempted to call the abuser because the look like the non existent person you so desperately want I. Your life and possibly never had outside of some small but impacting role playing that sucked you in at the beginning and hoovered you intermittently along the way.

Okay that might be harsh but it's true to some extent for many who are in relationships with a PD. 

Importantly you deserve to live without abuse and that can be a locus of clarity.

[Trinity85]

@1footouttadefog Indeed. It's so hard because he was often quite kind to me. His behavior was extremely covert - and I think that makes the abuse even worse.

[1footouttadefog]

Just remember it does not have to get better all at once.  You can look at it as taking back your live a bit at a time. 

Like enjoy your morning coffee in a way that he does not enter thoughts.  Then enjoy a hot bath or a nice walk leaving him out of your mind.  Then your drive to work.  Your lunch break.  Your grocery shopping.  Etc etc.

Take your life and mind back a bit at a time.  When he does enter intrusively in your thoughts perhaps pray for him. 

When I have to end a relationship, I pray for the other when they enter my thoughts.  I pray that they will be healthy, and have good fortune.  I pray that they will find the healing then need and wisdom to solve problems.  That they are healthy and have real friends and true love in their life.
In then asked that we be free from causing each other for her harm. 

This often helps with the thoughts.   

[Adria]

Trinity,

I'm so sorry for the way you are feeling right now.  It's okay. It's normal for what you are going through. Don't beat yourself up. You deserve to nurture, love and care for yourself now more than ever.

I, as well, pray for the people who have deeply abused and hurt me in my life. It can feel very awkward to do, and can surely go against your grain for what they've done so egregiously. However, it does help release them from our atmosphere and really helps us to forgive and heal and move on with OUR life. I do it even when I want to scream in their face for the things they've put me through.  In time, it really does quicken our healing, and reminds us of who we are, and that we have chosen to take the high road.

I've been reading this woman's blogs lately, and they are very healing, and help me to understand why we react the way we do, and who people are that are so careless with our hearts. She has tons of different articles that bring clarity and healing. https://natashaadamo.com/breakup-recovery/

Be patient and kind to yourself right now. It will be one step forward, two steps back for awhile, and then it will change to two steps forward one step back, for awhile until you get your footing again. And . . . you will.  You have just been knocked for a loop.

Do something nice for yourself every day. Try to smile and laugh even though it doesn't come easy. It's healing. You can fake it. Your body doesn't know the difference. Don't fight the sad days, the bad days, just roll with them knowing tomorrow is a brand new day. Watch how beautiful the sunsets are, how the wings of a butterfly float through the breeze. Sometimes, that's all we have, but it proves to be enough.

We've been where you are. It will get better. We're here for you. Hugs, Adria

[Trinity85]

Thank you @Adria.

[Fourdogs]

Hi Trinity, I know music helps and nights are difficult. I know the more people in our lives the better we become. Staying indoors all day is not good, getting out and sharing smiles helps. Wishing you find that happy place inside.

[hhaw]

Yes, Fourdogs......
music, and dancing in the kitchen with everything we got....is medicine, IME.