Getting ready to file

[newlyawakened]

I joined this forum last year and have posted a little bit of my story before.

Briefly I am in a long-term marriage over 20 years with a uBPDw. We have one adult kid who lives independently in a different city and a teenager in HS. I knew nothing about BPD and spent 20 years coping and coping with the stress, instability and constant chaos until I could withstand no more and went to a therapist for the first time (indie. counselling for me not couple's counseling as my wife has never agreed to it). My therapist was able to confidently tell me within the first 3 sessions that my wife has BPD. Since then I have been reading a lot in forums, books (eggshells) and educated myself more on BPD to try and cope better at least until my son went to college. More recently I discovered that she is cheating on me and this also coincided with the increase in her verbal, physical and mental abuse/harrassment toward me over the last year. I was like a deer caught between the headlights until I learnt about her cheating which explained the increase in abuse. the cheating occurred in plain sight but she had gaslighted me so well that I was blinded to it.

I am getting ready to file for divorce, talking to lawyers and feel fearful and scared for how I will tell her, how she will react, how do I mimimize the impact of subsequent reactions on my kid, how much custody can I get, how do i shield him from  all the drama, will I be able to manage this process and come out ok in the other end protecting my kid.

so many questions in my mind. I need the support and advice of this community to keep me strong. at this point I am not even confident I have the strength to carry this through to the promised land on the other side of the divorce.

I would appreciate any words of caution from those who have gone through a divorce with a BPDx after a long term relationship.

[Rebel13]

Hi newlyawakened, I really wish you the best in this difficult situation. I don't have advice personally but I wanted to share another resource with you, the blog ChumpLady. She writes extensively about infidelity and abusive relationships, and much of the content, including the comments, discusses difficulties of relationships with disordered people. There is a strong community and lots of support and advice for getting yourself free and protecting yourself through divorce. I believe they also have a Facebook group.

In any case, take good care of yourself and your children through this stressful time.

[newlyawakened]

Thank you for your suggestion. I will look into that blog.

One of my shortcomings is that I do not have any close friends or relatives that I can share my decision with before I take the call. Over the years my BPDw has isolated me from any other close relationship and most family/friends started maintaining a distance from us. In any case no one who has not been in a BPD relationship can understand what we are going through on a day to day basis and how severe the burden and trauma is.

I wish I had a confidante, but I considered my BPDw as my only confidante and the rug has been pulled out from under my feet now.

[SonofThunder]

NewlyAwakened, we are confidants here... we understand and are private because of our anonymity. You are truly not alone! 

We walk these paths together at Out of the FOG.  I am now separated from my PD wife of three decades and I understand being married to a PD wife!  Divorce is in my future, but divorcing a PDw has been a difficult yet necessary journey.

One day at a time my comrade!

SoT 

[StartingHealing]

newlyawakened,

Welcome to this space!  Good folks here.  We "get" it.  Been there, you know?

You are in a hard place at the moment.  I was there myself except the children were full adults and out of the house.  I don't know if the former spouse was cheating on me or not no evidence found but with the amount of projection she was doing in that regard I think she was ramping up for it if not already engaged in it. Along with the ramping up in severity of her abuse. 

I would read the the message threads on here. there were times where knowing that I wasn't the only misbegotten so and so that had experienced / was experiencing the BPD maelstrom, and the posts of others that had gone through a dissolution of a marriage contract and were doing better than they ever had before, it gave me hope and strength. 

If possible get a lawyer that has experience in dealing with "high conflict" individuals. I hope that the process goes well for you.  Typically that isn't the case.  Since you have a child in high school, their opinion on who they want to live with may be taken into account depending on the judge and the laws of your state. 

I don't know if you do social media.  If you have a FB account there is a private group, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Escape from walking on eggshells, which are folks like us.  It is heavily moderated and there are the occasional BPD that slips in but they are quickly kicked out.  The red flags are very evident in their posts / profile. 

In my experience with a BPD, 25 years of the chaos, the isolation, etc.  I can assure you that I'm in a better place physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially than I had ever had during that 1/4 of a century. 

I wish you and your children all the best. 

[newlyawakened]

Thank you SoT and SH for your supportive words and sharing. Yes it is truly daunting and hard place to be, when I have to be responsible and plan out the best way to exit for the sake of my future and for my kids, while the uPDw does as per what she feels in the moment without any heed to consequences.

It is a path strewn with thorns but I will get there - freedom is worth the cost.

I am grateful for your support and I hope to get through this. I will consider the FB group after separation, as I am at a point where I am speaking to an attorney but don't want to raise any alarm bells with my uPDw yet.

[newlyawakened]

I have taken some steps and spoken to lawyers. It is still daunting to take action. There remains a strong feeling of guilt that my action will break apart the family. In those moments it becomes difficult to remember that the family situation with BPDw hops between periods of dysfunctional behaviors except for brief periods where everything seems normal. I have to remind myself I have no control over how my BPDw will react in any situation now or in future and I cannot hold the family together by myself. It takes a couple to keep the family together. I guess that's why as the non-PD in the relationship I have let matters take its course for so many years. To make it worse my BPDw is hoovering and love-bombing phase for the last month, while the last discard was a little over a month ago.I am however determined this time to plod on with my decision to exit putting all my fears aside. Wish me luck and courage.

[SonofThunder]

Hi newlyawakened,

I am here to wish you courage!  I am also here to en-courage.  Have you ever considered your definition of "family"? 

I am separated from my uPDw and hopefully legal divorce will occur soon. My adult children were well experienced with the "periods of dysfunctional behaviors" from their mother in the home growing up.  Their mother will always be their mom and I will always be their dad.  Their mother and father now live in separate homes and my children have good relationships with both me and their mother.

Imo, it's both impossible to erase history and erase family, because your children are a combination of you and your wife and you have decades of history behind you.  Imo, your/my action to separate is not breaking apart a family, but rather legally putting a physical space between husband and wife, to end the control that occurs when the legal union is relationally leveraged by the PD through predator-like abuse.

My wife accused me (to everyone) of both ruining our family and our history, and neither of those are true, but were words from a PDw who stepped into the Karpman drama triangle role of persecutor, so she could become the always-desired victim, assigning me the persecutor role. 

My adult kids have experienced her drama so much over the years, they both let that "ruined the family" bs just float down the river.  After a while, my PDw's continued stories to others to convince them she is the innocent victim caught by surprise, started to show some cracks, especially when my relationship with my kids has become stronger.

Imo, a parent's relationship with their children is a direct reflection of their long-term relationships and not altered by a divorce where the separation is because of no emotional stability in the home. (Infidelity or physical abuse is another story imo) 

Outsiders will see a husband & wife who are separated for necessary reasons and also may even witness adult kids who love both parents equally, regardless of the divorce.  Sure, sometimes the separated/divorced PD spouse plays childish games of trying to sway children with things money can buy, but its not the long-term, balanced love they know and cherish from the nonPD parent.  Kids are smart.  Even adults may love what money can buy, but they also know that it's shallow and temporary. 

None of that lessens the difficulty of your departure, but thats just baked-in by the PD from the start; you were chosen as a host of her emotions for a reason, newlyawakened, and when the host leaves, the PD has to face the emptiness inside themselves.  Its dramatic for certain, but you will get through it as time does its magic, and the peace that awaits on the other side is glorious and health-promoting (both emotionally and physically)

Press on my Out of the FOG comrade!

SoT

[newlyawakened]

Hi SoT, Thank you for your kind words of support and I greatly appreciate how you have put across your thoughts so lucidly. It has helped me gain a lot of clarity in thinking about my situation. Do you have any advice on letting adult children know about the infidelity at some point after filing and making them aware of their mom's undiagnosed BPD. I certainly want to keep my teenage kid insulated from these things as much as I can, but debating whether it is ok to let my adult kid know. I don't want to spoil their relationship with their mom, but at the same time I want them to be able to know that these were factors for the break up and be mature in understanding/reacting to future situations.

[MaxedOut]

I have to remind myself I have no control over how my BPDw will react in any situation now or in future and I cannot hold the family together by myself.

Needed this reminder, thanks.

And to remember, even if the reactions are what I expect, I am not responsible for them. A non-disordered partner would have strived to create connection if there's conflict and to be mutually supportive.

Even though separating/divorcing feels like pulling the pin from a grenade and dropping it, there were the thousand times our partners did not show compassion, respect, or care. As you say, one person can not be the solo support and glue holding families together. It is just really hard to shift gears from years of putting ourselves second and moderating our behavior to avoid reactions.

[newlyawakened]

"It is just really hard to shift gears from years of putting ourselves second" - That is very true MO. The "caretaker" behavior that's been ingrained over years and become a force of habit is one of the biggest challenges to overcome. I am bracing my mind for the storm that is to come and to remind myself constantly why I am doing this so I do not get lost in the storm.

[Rebel13]

Do you have any advice on letting adult children know about the infidelity at some point after filing and making them aware of their mom's undiagnosed BPD.

Hi again, I don't have personal advice, but this topic comes up a lot on the ChumpLady blog. I'm not sure how to navigate there, maybe you can search or there is a category?
ETA: Found this post:  https://www.chumplady.com/do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

In general, people seem to advise talking with children and being truthful about infidelity in age-appropriate and non-editorializing ways.  "Your mom and I are getting divorced because she's been dating other people and that's not OK with me." vs "Your mom is a terrible person who treated me like crap and I can't wait to be free of her."  Not that you would say the latter.  The commenters often emphasize that it's important to be honest because otherwise children (especially young kids, but even teens) can get scary messages from comments like "we just fell out of love" etc. Kids need to know that love doesn't just mysteriously "end" for no reason, that there are productive, healthy ways to behave in relationships which demonstrate love and support, and that it's OK to have boundaries and dealbreakers. That's an important life lesson which I know I never got, watching my disordered, self-absorbed parents abuse and mistreat each other but stay together anyway "for the children." Relationships were mystifying to me for a long time because of that, and in some ways still are!

Regarding talking to your children about their mother's personality, it's pretty likely they've noticed and maybe experienced similar behaviors that you have. I think it's perfectly fine to talk to them about that, again, in calm and loving ways, because she IS their mom and their feelings are probably pretty complicated. But they might appreciate knowing they can talk to you about difficulties they have with her and that you will listen and give them solid advice about coping and strategizing.

[newlyawakened]

Thank you Rebel13. This is very helpful for me to prepare my thoughts about how I will communicate the reasons with my children. I am leaning toward telling them if not right away after things settle down somewhat post filing.

As D-day is getting closer I feel jittery. It helps sometimes to calm my nerves, to think of it is a decision that was already done by BPDw when she crossed those boundaries in the past and I really have no choice or control in this matter now than merely formalizing the decision to separate.

[notrightinthehead]

Are you planning to remain in the same house as your wife and file for divorce at the same time? Do you have an emergency escape plan?

How are you responding to the hoovering?

This is a scary time and you might want to prepare yourself well, get important documents to a safe place, sort out your financials, have a place you can go to when the situation becomes heated before you file.

[newlyawakened]

Are you planning to remain in the same house as your wife and file for divorce at the same time? Do you have an emergency escape plan?

How are you responding to the hoovering?

This is a scary time and you might want to prepare yourself well, get important documents to a safe place, sort out your financials, have a place you can go to when the situation becomes heated before you file.

Thank you for the advice. I am using MC (not so much Grey Rock) to the hoovering, just  to keep matters under her radar until filing. It is challenging though as the hovering has increased in intensity in recent days in the sense that she has not love bombed me this much in over two years. I'm working on securing paperwork and financials. I plan to stay after filing living in separate rooms under the same roof at least temporarily. There is no emergency escape plan as such as I do not have a place to go except get a hotel room if needed, but I won't leave my teenager kid alone. will call emergency services if things heat up and be prepared to record. I am hoping it goes amicably but preparing mentally for the worst.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Being part of this forum definitely helped my own journey - separating then divorcing.  When I came Out of the FOG is felt so abrupt, a lot to take in.

If I was to give my self advice when my journey began it would be -

Don't be afraid, life will become less stressful, other relationships will thrive, be mindful of your finances and safety, trust yourself, you won't find the perfect lawyer (they all have flaws) and you won't get the perfect outcome, but you will be FREE, children are resilient, just do your best and move forward

Good Luck to you

[MaxedOut]

Being part of this forum definitely helped my own journey - separating then divorcing.  When I came Out of the FOG is felt so abrupt, a lot to take in.

If I was to give my self advice when my journey began it would be -

Don't be afraid, life will become less stressful, other relationships will thrive, be mindful of your finances and safety, trust yourself, you won't find the perfect lawyer (they all have flaws) and you won't get the perfect outcome, but you will be FREE, children are resilient, just do your best and move forward

Good Luck to you

Thank you from another person who is feeling anxious.

[NBRiverGuy]

Don't be afraid, life will become less stressful, other relationships will thrive, be mindful of your finances and safety, trust yourself, you won't find the perfect lawyer (they all have flaws) and you won't get the perfect outcome, but you will be FREE

Those are all great reminders. I think I will write them on a sticky note and put them in my wallet. Thanks.

[newlyawakened]

Just an update to the kind members of this forum who have been supporting me in finding the right path - I took one step forward and one step back. More on my story in a few days. It has been a few weeks of emotional turmoil.

[NBRiverGuy]

I'm right there with you. Keep us updated when you can.