Getting ready to file

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

As I was reading through these posts, I was thinking how do you explain why you want a divorce to your kids?  It has so many layers, experiences, lost dreams, trauma, shame, etc....  Especially when explaining to your children - adult or young.  My ex was also a cheater, but that's not why the marriage ended.  I said very little to my son, who was 17 at the time. I took his lead, he asked no questions about the why, but he had questions about the what now.

I don't agree with disclosing infidelity to our children.  It's not their business and not there experience to understand.  If they find out, then they can process with the cheating parent.  That's my feeling.  Besides, most children in these families aren't going to be shocked.  Right? They probably can feel the stress, the anxiety, and they are also walking on eggshells. 

You got this - a year from now - 2 years from now, you will be thankful you started your own journey.

[newlyawakened]

dear forum friends, I have not posted here for a while as I was going through a lot of turmoil in my life. Here is a brief update on where I am today -

I  filed and informed my pwBPD on Dday. Her first reaction was that of shock and anger, throwing a cup of coffee in my face. This was followed by intense crying, begging for forgiveness, calling friends and family to intervene. She exhibited rather extreme reactions I hadn't seen previously like rolling on the floor while crying. She denied the affair and made a friend send a false alibi message. I was calm and resolute about my decision. When she started talking about self harm I left the room to avoid further escalation. My DD1 who lives out of town got involved and arrived home the same evening. When DS2 came from school, she told him that she is leaving him forever. I later learnt she called her affair partner during this entire melee hoping for some support and he said goodbye until the next life and went no contact since then. She got extremely dysregulated as the hours ticked by saying more and more incoherent things, such as wanting to become homeless and drive away where no one can find her. After DD1 arrived she calmed down a bit and later in the evening she cried again and asked me for forgiveness like she had never done before - this went on for hours where she would neither let me leave the room or sleep until I told her I forgave her. It went on past midnight until the early morning hours when I was mentally exhausted  and worn down to the point I had to accept I wouldn't leave her and will rethink my decision. She got the opening she had, expressed gratitude, said that she did not deserve me and nobody in the planet can be like me and she is so grateful that she will do whatever I ask her to for the rest of her life. I cried, she cried, we rested and told the kids next day that we were working things out, and over the next several weeks I cancelled the filed petition.  Over the next several days she promised to seek therapy, agreed that she is unable to control her emotions during the rages, never contact the affair partner, promised they had met only once and there was no serious emotional involvement, and agreed to work on many other things to make our relationship stronger.

Isn't that a beautiful turn in my story?

Well all of this beauty unraveled over the next several months as I faced increasingly ferocious antagonism, splitting and devaluation, interspersed with love bombing - where she essentially declared therapy is a waste, she is smarter than any therapist and can fool them, took out her anger first at the affair partner, then turned into anger at me for being the root cause for her having an affair and admitted that it was a full-blown affair (essentially she had lied again when she came clean), saying she has never been happy in the marriage and the lack of love has caused her to seek validation outside the marriage. There have been many episodes of splitting of varying degrees which I am not describing here for brevity. She keeps sharing intimate details of the affair and expects me to help her get over the heartbreak, while at the same time professing my love so she can heal from all the trauma. I was begged on DDay not to speak about her affair in front of the kids as they would lose respect for her (which I agreed to, stuck to my word and did not mention anything more than a trust deficit), yet she has since then told my daughter about it, her friends and her parents. Everyone gets a slightly different version of the story. I perhaps know the version closest to the truth but yet not the whole truth.

I have lost the will I had to seek a life separate from my pwBPD, which I now think may not be the best path for either of us and something I may have attempted in haste. I feel like she is craving for love which she did not feel all these years and I need to make sincere efforts to show her that love, although my mind keeps telling me this may be another bottomless pit that will never be fulfilled. I am trying to find a middle path where I can build my own confidence, independence of thought and action, setting right boundaries and tempering splitting incidents, while showering her with the love she is craving for in the hope she truly will change for the better. Only time will tell if I am successful.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh dear! I am so sorry! I am also so sorry you are back in the FOG again. But you got out once, you will again. You plan to seek help for yourself and build up your self confidence seems an excellent one to me.
Since your wife is not holding back in front of the kids with intimate details about your marriage - I think it is only the right and responsible thing to give your kids some assistance too - a therapist, a counsellor, teach them the toolbox! May I remind you of the Toolbox? This is going to be your best friend in the coming months!
And please document the behaviour of your wife. Such scenes as she threw when you mentioned divorce should have justified her immediate being delivered to a mental hospital. And I wonder why you didn't call emergency services instead of calling your kids and exposing them to such traumatizing performance. So next time this happens - get your phone out and record it. You might actually learn that the performance stops immediately. That was my experience.
Good luck to you, you will need a lot of strength!

[SonofThunder]

Hi newlyawakened,

Im sorry life has been so tumultuous over the past months. Imo PD's never truly change, they just dance the IDD cycle and drama triangle with a partner who is willing to dance.  We each have our own decisions to make about whether we will ever stop dancing. 

The overwhelming emotional landscape that is spewed all over you and your family is by design, to keep you dancing.  Imo victimhood is the ultimate drama triangle role for the PD yet that victimhood is the PD trait-tool of projection, as the true victims are the targets of their behaviors are their dance partners, and sadly involves children, which adds greatly to the turmoil. 

We are put into double-binds to choose between two terrible options and the PD will drama feed from either choice (dance or stop); all designed by a talented master manipulator. 

We are here, walking these trails together. Imo whatever decision you make will lead to a predictable outcome and you must choose what's right for your specific situation.  Please continue to share your story here with your trail-mates.  We understand. You are not alone. 

SoT

[square]

Please keep posting here. We are here to support you. You can work through incidents with us and figure out adjustments you can make to your behavior and mindset to attempt to keep your peace as much as possible.

This forum supports people who are committed to working on things. There are a few things that concerned me about your post that I wanted to point out.

One, that you described that you have "lost the will." That's very different from "after a lot of tears and talking, we've decided we want to try again and have agreed to a few new ground rules. Things have been better lately and I am hopeful."

I have certainly, multiple times, "lost the will" myself, so there is zero judgment from me, just concern. But the reason you wanted out in the first place was due to a major imbalance - and you losing the will points to that imbalance being made even greater, not less.

I also note that your plan is to "shower her with love" but you have not mentioned what her plan to fix things for you are. I read your post listing what you feel you owe her, as if she were the one for whom the marriage was not working and who was considering leaving.

I do not discourage you from giving things another chance, but what you have described is setting up more of the same, only worse. I encourage you to let her have her point of view, and to own your own point of view. She is hurt, feels unloved, needs you to be better? Okay. What about you? What do you need? What's not working? Nope, she's not the only one who gets to have a perspective.

Finally, I would encourage you to examine your goals and make a few adjustments. Your goals might currently look like this:

Keep her calm
Keep her happy
Make her feel loved

But I recommend goals like this:

Feel calmer
Feel more like myself
Look forward to being/going home

[downwiththefog]

...I cried, she cried, we rested and told the kids next day that we were working things out, and over the next several weeks I cancelled the filed petition.  ...
Well all of this beauty unraveled over the next several months as I faced increasingly ferocious antagonism, splitting and devaluation

I can relate to all this. I understand well why you did that and I hope it works for you.

I too filed, and was convinced to work it out and cancel ... and now I receive devaluation abuse every time the kids are not around.
Tonight I just did not manage to follow MediumChill/GreyRock and calmly responded to her insults. This made her explode with more of course, but perhaps this was exactly was she wanted.

Please keep posting here.