Making progress by budgeting & health

[BefuddledClarity]

Slowly becoming better at budgeting. I stopped eating out since maybe 2 weeks ago and I feel better.

I also drink more water and eat more than 1 time a day. I've also been keeping the house clean and unplugging the electronics more when spending time with little one.

The only thing I'm slacking on is interpersonal...

I had a big blow up with my SO recently and we made up  (See Is it worth it?) On that moment, I felt like I became like my PD parents and am having a hard time getting past it. I apologized for what I did and he said the "pasts the past" but...I don't feel right about it...

Anyways, we were good for a little while then got into some stupid quarrels afterwards while he got drunk.

He did the usual of criticizing my food...lecturing me for "procrastinating on going to the doctor" when he knows damn full well I didn't have money because I was covering his bill, and lastly telling me not to switch jobs because "it's not about the money and you can't keep jumping jobs. My step mom worked XYZ job for nearly 2 decades " when he also knows the work environment I have is toxic...And I don't just jump jobs, I move up and try to find a CAREER. I have been in.."low-entry" deadend jobs for a while, but I want to improvr and MOVE up. I have experience in a couple of fields based on interests. I used to work hard on my hobbies and thought eventually maybe a career would be nice. But he basically told me "A jack of all trades a master of none". So what? If I love what I'm doing and it's "not about the money" as he says, then why does it matter that I dabble in different fields. He expects me to stay in the same job for nearly a decade for whatever he thinks I'm passionate about...

I feel like everytime I try to improve myself(find a different job to find a better career, or go to the doctor for health issue), he has to make it a negative experience or throw it in a negative light and contradict me.

I want to try doing something good for once for MYSELF. I hardly have time...I'm always catering to the baby AND him. He tells me NOT to cater to him but...those seem like empty words when I'm stuck doing his laundry, cleaning, most childcare etc. Then if I tell him, "No, I want to rest" he gets angry at me...even though he "asked" me if I could fo something. It's not asking if you're expecting.

I just...idk. I love him, but he can be impossible while drunk and I don't want to end up looking like an idiot.

I can't believe I reacted the way I did in the post that I linked above...I just completely lost control of myself(not an excuse, I shouldn't habe acted that way regardless of my feelings) and felt lost.

I've been recommended to go to Al Anon but...I don't normally do support group settings however, I'm going to need to reconsider and GO NOW because it's getting ridiculous.

And... I'll go back to therapy again once I have a bit more saved up, because I don't know what to do to amend for what I did. I feel like I should apologize more. I've cooked and been keeping the house clean because I knoe his Love Language is Act of Service.

Although...I still can't help but have mixed feelings. I continued the PD cycle with the way I reacted(like my PDparents/family...). It was bad...But also...I felt very, very angry that my feelings were always dismissed and finally was able to let all those vile and raw feelings that were bottled up inside for so long out?


Advice is welcomed...

[SparkStillLit]

This is juuuuust my opinion, and you know what they say about those.
I think he's holding you down. Keeping you where he wants you. All those agreeings are turned on their heads. He agrees with you and then flips it back on you is what I mean. If you want to switch jobs because it betters your life, DO IT. If you want to switch just because you do, DO IT. He's NOT IN CHARGE. YOU ARE. You're paying the damn bills and making the decisions and shoring up the household and doing all the work!
Stop a minute. Think just a sec. What is he contributing? What, really? He doesn't sound like he's building you up or he's got your back. He doesn't seem like contributing financially, or cleaning the house or minding the child while you're earning a paycheck.
I think he likes the cush life.
Speaking as one who knows, it is so damn hard to dig yourself out of that hole when they pick at your psyche like that. Those "compliments"? They aren't. Those ugly little phrases "jack of all trades" and shit are designed to hold you down so you never do anything to better yourself and discover bigger better stuff...because you might find out YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEIR BULLSHIT. No, I'm not there either, but I'm sure trying, and I'm better than I was.
So much insidious crap to work through, and I recognise it being said to you, because I heard the exact same shizz. I want to help a sister hear it if I can. It's So. Hard. to unhear after all these years. Even though you know not to believe it, you still kinda do.
I think I mentioned in another post how I'm so programmed that Ì unthinkingly comply, then want to kick myself in the butt. It's that way with this, too. That negative talk is in my head, and I have to very consciously label it as HIS ideas about me or HIM speaking, and shut it down.

[Hepatica]

BefuddledClarity
Sounds like a really good plan to go to AlAnon - and try different groups until one fits. I have attended them and I think they're an excellent support and resource. And be kind to yourself. I remember having a baby and the lack of sleep and your body recovering from birth, even in the first two years, doesn't exactly make you your best self at times. I certainly lost it and I also remember feeling so terribly guilty too.

A little support would go along way and you deserve it. Your SO sounds awfully all over the place, what with him telling you one thing and then another thing that contradicts it later. He's undermining you. Why? That would be hard. Keep this in mind. A saint might lose their temper over something like that. Please give yourself lots of self-compassion.

ETA: Just read the link you posted. Yes. It's time to revisit if it's worth it, not just for you, but the sake of that little one. I'm sorry. He sounds like a weight, when he should be a partner.

[Amadahy]

I'm exhausted and spent just reading what you endure.  I'm sorry.

Do you have good family/friend support? 

It's wonderful that you're taking steps toward self-care, but remember that your SO is the only one who can effect change or improvement in his own life.  Of course, we help and support those we love, but not at our own expense, or that of our child.  I wish you the very best.  You deserve that!

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello everyone,

I appreciate all of your support and comments. There's a slight update:

I have a job interview coming up! I've been applying for new jobs as this current one has been toxic to work in.

I will also be dropping coworker "friends" along the way as I noticed too that they have been another part of my  stress, holding me back with their negativity and hypocrisy. For example, say if they complain about how others have been going on long breaks and not helping today, I will agree with them. If I express the same complaint, said coworkers will say "Why do you care? We don't get paid enough for it LOL" or come up with an excuse to defend (slacker) coworkers. It's maddening? Also said "friends"---one of them tries to blackmail people and after hearing that, I do not feel comfortable talking to said coworker. They both also think this job is "great" and are best friends with my (terrible) bosses who talk down on me (ex. "What are you, a child?" Said to me by boss).


But hopefully here soon I will be finding a new job!


As for my signficant other...we've talked a bit here and there. He's remorseful while sober but a jerk while drunk. For the past week, he has calmed down and spoke nicely to me. He told me that if my job is stressful, then he will support me in whichever path I choose(quitting job withiut have a job lined up, quitting job and getting a temporary contract, quitting job and taking a huge pay cut).

The sentiment he expressed us nice, but for past reasons, I cannot fully rely on him yet until we work through our issues(ex. Alcholism, finances, child-rearing, etc).

I still need to go to Al Anon, even though his drinking slowed down exponentionally. I think it will help me in case it flairs back up and better prepare for it in the future.

I do agree that even though things seem okay/better now between me ans significant other, we still need to work through our issues.

I've given a LOT of chances...

I also do not have anywhere to go in case times get tough. No friends in thia particular area and I'm through with my family based on how they've been treating me. I know my parents are PD but know I'm thinking my siblings may be too or caught a HUGE case of F.L.E.A.S.

[GettingOOTF]

That’s great about the budgeting and food. Getting those under control was a game changer for me.

I agree he is holding you back. I was married to someone very similar. Pretended to support me but was really trying to keep me down. The advice about not changing jobs is a good example of this. It sounds like he is looking out for you, giving you good advice but he’s really trying to stop you from advancing.

My ex also used my family situation against me. He knew what I was worried and insecure about and used those things to keep me in what he thought was my place. You SO seems to be using your fear of being like your parents against you. Both PDs and addicts are incredibly manipulative and neither have your best interests at heart.

Addiction is tricky. I’ve been around it most of my life. My view on it now is that it has no place in my life but it took me a long time to get there.

I grew up with addiction and was very codependent. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More.

The key to me getting where I am today was taking small steps to take back control of my life, which you are doing.

[Fulcrum29SMT]

Yes, budgeting is really one of the hardest things to master... There should be lessons of personal economy in school, along with other "adulting" skills such as filling your tax declaration, because it's really difficult to handle for many young adults.

But to come back to the main topic, you're right to "switch jobs" if it allows you to enter an actual career with some sort of stability and growth possibilities, because you can't really make a living of a dead end job, not to mention that it will take a toll on your mental state after a couple years of absolute stagnation. Struggling for some time may be worth it; for example, right now, I've got a stable situation as I'm working in insurance (it's not as boring as it sounds, I recently got paid to go visit these cottages in Latvia to make insurance estimations about them), but before I got that job, I worked for a while in the gig industry, finding documents to translate there and there, gave private French language lessons and buying and reselling collectables. It was unstable, it wasn't well paid, but it kept a roof above my head until I found a better job.
Of course, don't put yourself in financial danger, either, make sure to only consider options that still allow you to pay the bills... 

[BefuddledClarity]

GettingOOTF,

Was doing good with budgeting and cooking but...Just recently everything fell through(again). I will just say my bills are paid for(plan how much I pay during XYZ part of month and schedule the next portion of bills with my next paycheck), but now I have to play catch-up on the ones he agreed to pay for (rent & electric). I pay everything else (car ins, car loan, daycare, household items, etc). We split on the groceries typically...

Saying I'm frustrated would be underestimating how I currently feel. At work, had to do mandatory overtime for a couple of hours---but I wanted to do more to catch up with bills. So, I'd maybe do 12+ hours of overtime a week...And I purposely did them in the morning so I don't have to pay daycare extra money for baby staying there extra time(losing money) and because my partner would sometimes end up making ME take care of little one because he was "too tired". I get that he has a hard labour job, but he's doing regular hours(40 week, with Fri-Sun off based on his shift)...I had to do EXTRA while taking care of the house, baby, and finances. He seems to not take my job serious because I "sit around" all day. Funny thing is, me "sitting around all day" is what takes care of the bills. It's an office/remote type job.

Anyways...Once again we were "good" for these past few weeks since I first made this Thread/Post BUT...Now the little one's birthday is coming up and my partner JUST NOW let me know that he has WAY LESS than I thought in the bank. I don't have enough for rent right now; it'll wipe my WHOLE paycheck PLUS still not be completely paid off. For the b-day party, I was planning on something EXTREMELY small(His parents, his sister + BIL and niece, then my parents...and brothers...But I don't care if my family is there or not, I'm done with them now), but my partner wants ALL of his family AND friends to go and it's making me angry. Apart from not having money, there's a PANDEMIC going on. I don't want our BABY being around a bunch of people, holy hell! Sounds like he's just doing whatever HIS DAD wants and not what's best for our child. His dad wants our little one's B-day at HIS house and then his dad invited HIS friends. I'm thinking of just not even showing up and making my son stay home.

Fulcrum29SMT,

I'm still learning how to budget...Typically, I am able to pay my own bills on time(I schedule them based on when the bills are due and when each paycheck lands) but used to not save money. I'm trying to save money but it's not easy right now. I have someone else I have to pay for now(my partner not holding up his half, wastes money on alcohol or gives his parents money when they make double or more than what we make. They HAVE money, we DON'T. It makes me angry because I grew up poor, and for them to say they don't have money when they have a nice 3 bedroom house with a 2 bath, and BOTH are getting paid maybe $20hr+ while we make WAY less...And depend mostly on my salary...). The next place I plan on getting will need to be where I am able to pay ALL the bills off (aka, might as well just go on my own...can't rely on help).
That's cool that you get to travel to different places. Would you say you enjoy working insurance? Is it pretty nice? I have customer service skills buuut was hoping to get out of customer service, however, I'll continue if it helps keep a roof over my son and I's head...

My main interest lie in tech(went to school for engineering, just never finished...) and creative work(art, music, crafts, etc). Currently, in a low end tech job, but...It's answering phone calls all day to troubleshoot the SAME old crap every day and dealing with both toxic customers and coworkers/bosses...I'm tired...

[BefuddledClarity]

Sorry for double-posting but slight update!!

I'm glad most business places are more lenient towards bills---called some places and asked for extensions. Should be good on rent for now, just need to check out other bills.

Hopefully, we'll get this all caught up...tired of being behind. Have somenjob opportunities too! Will update later on it when more info comes along.

[SparkStillLit]

I had to mess about in other low paying jobs too, in the medical field (where I have some experience) while I searched like crazy for another job and SO HAPPENED upon this county government one, which uses my degree and I get paid to play in the dirt (really!). It's decent pay, too, no matter what updh says. HE isn't working and I am managing (barely) to pay all the damn bills. Sometimes you have to make the leap, and NOT let them hold you down.

[BefuddledClarity]

SparkStillLit,

I appreciated hearing about your experience. It's good that you didn't like updh hold you down!

Had to call my SIL lastnight to handle partner, I already called out of work twice so far due to PD(STBX...?)partner....He got drunk and beligerent so I had to give her a call.

I will be talking to one of my brothers lately in regards to borrowing some money(he offered me before I even asked anyways)... I'm broke from paying partner's bills. So...my brother will help me with the rest of my bills this month(no strings attached) and partner can figure out his own bills while I figure out a new place to live...

I need to move out. I can't handle PDpartner anymore...

I also want to go NC with his family. They've been really controlling and I wish they'd leave me and my son alone. It's a long story with them.

But here's a recent post: Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling In-Laws

And here's some more recent detail and why I might be going no contact with more people(FOO, In-laws, work, etc):

Giving up on having a relationship with family

Some of the people on the Future NC List or that I'm currently VLC/LC are...okay to talk to but for long periods I get irritated and annoyed getting sucked into their crap.

My SiL has moments of being alright but she can be rather pushy like the rest of partner's family. She was adament on "helping" out by saying I can drop off my son anytime at her house like uh...My son's good...he has daycare...she kept mentioning how her mom wants to see the little one and the whole situation feels...awkward.

I talk to these people a bit more now based on recent events but overall have negative feelings about them...

I plan on cutting off people from work once I get a new job. My coworkers have been toxic, including my "friends" from. They told me I would be a bitch basically from separating my son from my toxic inlaws. They act like they've being a listening ear but really don't know how it's like in my shoes. So...I come here to find people who are more understanding(like you) and may offer a listening ear or advice on how to handle (delicate) issues...

[SparkStillLit]

People calling you a bitch AREN'T your friends. You're right to cut that out in a hot minute. If you want to get away from stbx, you go, girl! Get free.
I think your list of NC/VLC is perfectly fine, if people are toxic, why bother with them? If they aren't toxic and you accidentally cut them off, guess what? THEY'LL ASK AFTER YOU AND WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY CAN REPAIR IT!!!
What a mad idea, right??

[BefuddledClarity]

People calling you a bitch AREN'T your friends. You're right to cut that out in a hot minute. If you want to get away from stbx, you go, girl! Get free.
I think your list of NC/VLC is perfectly fine, if people are toxic, why bother with them? If they aren't toxic and you accidentally cut them off, guess what? THEY'LL ASK AFTER YOU AND WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY CAN REPAIR IT!!!
What a mad idea, right??

Honestly, I should've cut those two coworkers off a LONG time ago...one of them is really...clingy. I barely talked to her and now she deems us BFFS and wants to go on vacations together, see my little one, talking about weddings, and says she's my...bestie...I don't feel the same way really, I'm just being polite. The only reason she is like that is because we both came from similar dysfunctional family backgrounds.

Then the other coworker shares a similar heritage to me, but is american-born...he does not know how to speak my language or much about my culture, and it gets annoying when he acts like he knows. He is just simulating the bad stereotypical/dysfunctional parts of it in particular. It is disappointing.

He's also the macho man type, and he was the one saying I would be a bitch for separating my son from his family, aka, my in-laws. Furthermore, he said to also not get inbetween my partner and my partner's biomom's relationship because ALL men are supposedly "mama's boys". No, not all men are. Also, my man and his mother have a toxic relationship, they're not even talking to eachother and it's been close to a year...all because I wanted privacy in my own home and partner told his biomom she can't stay anymore because "BefuddledClarity wants privacy".

So...because she won't talk to my partner, supposedly, according to macho-man coworker, that means I'm getting inbetween their relationship?? Even though that's on my partner and his mother(they already had a sour relationship). It's my damn house too! His bioMIL LIVES with SIL, she was being shady trying to get rid of biomom from her house during that time because her husband became a SAHD and doesn't need their mom babysitting their daughter anymore...

Anyways....
The "bestie" coworker agreed with "macho-man" coworker that it would be a bitch move to separate my son from his very toxic paternal family. And she tried excusing my partner's toxic family by saying "well it's their culture". Excuse you for saying it's a cultural thing, that's offensive. Both coworkers are american-born and don't understand how ignorant it is to say such things. Because of my "culture", does it mean I am loud, obnoxious, have broken-english, and beat my child with whatever's in hand because that's "my culture"? No!! It's not!! And those are terrible stereotypes.

I just don't...get them...I try to sympathise since I have been in similar places to them with dysfunctional families and they take my sympathy. But then throw this to my face and try to act like "tough love". And...they disagree with me on purpose...for example, if they complain about someone taking 2-3hr lunches, I agree. But if I complain about the same thing, they go "LOL why do you care? It's just a job." pretty much. Since I thought we were "friends", I mentioned wanting to get a different job and they said "Why? This one pays the bills". Exactly...that's all the job does...

Anyways sorry for the lil ramble. I muted the coworkers via text message I'm planning on changing my phone# when I get a new phone...I've changed my phone number many times after moving around quite a bit all over. When I go back to my mother's country, I buy a SIM there too, haha.

Luckily, we work remotely, so I don't have to see them or bother and I plan on moving far away from job site.

I wish I could leave country but I am stuck currently...

Oh, my partner apologize the next day after his drunken stupor and is currently trying to make it up to me. He quit drinking. He said maybe it would be better if he drank while we're asleep so he does not bother us(son and I), but I said no to that. I told him, I will give up something I love to drink(which is...something caffeinated lol) and we can do this together. So...we're doing this together now.

But regardless, I will still need to separate (get my own place) for my own peace of mind until I feel ready...