Giving up on having a relationship with family

[BefuddledClarity]

Not sure where to put this post but I am going to go no contact with my entire family, low/no contact with in-laws, and...unsure about partner, have mixed feelings.

So, I've been putting up with my biological family due to having a child...

But the more I interact with them, the more irritable I become. I have a couple of posts but I'll be brief here.

Growing up, I was subjected to mental/physical abuse by my parents. They're very traditional, in a sense of women are to stay at home and men have to provide. They talked down on me, saying I wouldn't make it. My mother used to make rude comments about my body and overall appearance(mixed race, mother is an immigrant, she hates my father). She also used to hit me and claimed that "You love your friends more than your OWN MOTHER". My father, on the other hand, threatened to kick me out of the house and give me a beating for little things(ex. Had a pixie haircut---very short hair).

Anyways, my brothers used to blame me for my parents being angry and said it's my fault---I was the scapegoat. Anything goes wrong, I take the physcial/mental abuse first. I could just be sitting in my room, and my parents would rip open the door to yell at me about something random my brothers did(usually the youngest...) And blame me for not taking care of whatever the issue was(the younger one is only about a year or so younger so...).

That's just to give you an idea of how it was growing up.

Now? It's slightly...better but kinda the same? I have my own family now(partner and kid). My mother is still judgemental about my life(I am not married, so I say "partner" and hardly say spouse) but acts two-faced to get what she wants(ex. Money). My father doesn't even talk to me. Last I tried, he ended up asking questions about partners race and how my parnter reminds him of his cousin...didn't ask about his grandson. Didn't ask about me, and technically, didn't ask how my partner was doing. He just asked about his race and where he was from. My dad has a weird...thing about that. He used to correct my mother on her OWN culture, it was maddening and I don't know what's wrong with him.


Now back to my brothers, I thought I should keep in contact, but they prove to be the same really.

The oldest brother, *Yaw, lives with mother and is basically her yesman and will judge me if I don't agree 100%.

The second oldest brother, *Kwasi, lives in same city as me. Everytime I try to have a REGULAR conversation, it turns out negative and he ALWAYS disagrees with me for no reason, like why? Then to make matters MORE annoying, he tries hard to be a "macho" man, aka, if my mother asked him to hold her purse, he won't because it's "too girly". He also overly emphasizes with the WRONG crowd.

Then, lastly, there's my youngest brother, *Kofi. He is just one of the MOST self-centered person you'll meet. He has said, in his OWN words that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He has also been VERY inconsiderate when I ask him to do the very BARE basics. (Ex. I requested he CALL first and text to let me knoe when he's stopping by my city. Nope, he'll knock the door as LOUDLY as he can and ring the doorbell many times. I told him NOT to do this, because my son is asleep. He still did so regardless because he doesn't care.) He also went a couple of months ignoring me because I told him he can't come to my house due to his bedbug issue(which he admitted he wasn't taking care of nor did he care at the time). He said I was selfish and ignored me. Kwasi was on his side, because of course I'm the bad one.

So that's my family in a nutshell.

Then there's my in-laws...a WHOLE OTHER story. They committed domestic abuse, physical & mental abuse, child neglect, and were alcoholics during my partner's childhood.

They're extremely bossy and controlling, and my partner listens to them all the time. As a matter of fact, we're having our son's party at FIL's house. They didn't cue me in ANY of the plans for MY son. They changed it from a SMALL party, to inviting ALL their friends too. Just so much crap happening and it makes me angry.


Then partner's biological mom(separated from biological dad) is EXTREMELY manipulative. She ignored my partner for almost a year now, because I didn't want her staying at my house on weeks end. She also hardly showered, didn't clean up after herself, and was TERRIBLE at watching the little one. It was a mess. My SIL was trying to get rid of MIL from living with her so she kept pushing MIL on us. MIL made rude comments to me and provoked partner ALL THE TIME that they were arguing everyday, but my partner said "that's just how his mom is" and excused it.

His whole family is issues and problems.

Then lastly, there's my partner...he has a drinking problem. I used to be a heavy drinker until I became pregnant, so I stopped. He's basically Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Nice when sober but terrible when drunk. We're working through it, but it's been hard...


To top that all off, I've been dealing with PDbosses and coworkers at my job. Wish I could quit, but don't have anything to fallback on...Partner said I could depend on him and that he would support me but I can't and I know it's not a good idea, so I won't.

So...here I am...frustrated. I just want my son to be happy, but to also not make myself miserable by dealing with all these people.

Anyone else can relate?


*Fake names for siblings

[Concerned One]

Oh yes. I can surely relate.

I went no contact on 17/8/2020 after VLC.

NC with brother for 3 years. Made mistake of succumbing to his birthday hoovering. That lasted a month and a half because by his own admission he cannot help but let that mask Slip.

Hopefully you don't have any financial ties or anything? It's difficult going NC if you have ties.

I'm presuming I'm disinherited but that's fine cos I'm pretty sure that was all a carrot on a stick future faking anyway. Any money they do have will go on health care.

[BefuddledClarity]

Concerned One,

How is it being NC with family? I used to be on and off. I would go to VLC because I CRAVED having a family...and because I used to be envious of friends. I know I'll end up hurt each time so...I need to do this for real.


And you just reminded me about th financial side---my car is signed under Kwasi's name BUT I make ALL of the payments. Only did it based on credit score(I have student debt...went for engineering but never finished...really expensive).

Was going to have it put under my significant other's name buuuuuuut no, it's not a good idea at all.

Trying to figure out how to put it under my name soon. I really don't want to deal with my family.

I wish I were entirely independent but...had some financial troubles lately, my SO isn't the best with money/isn't exactly reliable...and it's a whole other story.


Just frustrated with the whole situation.

[Concerned One]

So far, so good. My family is very small thanks to my mother shutting most extended family out. So really it's only my mother and little brother and they're blocked. They try withholding numbers but il not falling for that and they're using a distant relation from abroad  so she's no problem.

Other than I'm just enjoying discovering who I am because I've been treated like an idiot child every time I visit the folks. Or like I'm invisible by my father.

[BefuddledClarity]

ConcernedOne,

It is good to hear it is going well for you!

I was used to being alone, and now that I surrounded myself with people, albeit toxic people, I have a hard time cutting loose. It's that faux feeling of closeness while the pandemic is going on.

The Future NC List is growing bigger, and I see how selfish people [FOO & in-laws specifically] can be with their intentions and the narcissism...I tried to use the "If you're smelling crap everywhere, it's probably on your shoe" perspective....meaning if everyone I encounter I deem as "toxic" or an a-hole, maybe it's time to self-reflect and look in the mirror...

I reflected for a long while and I think maybe I just stink at choosing good people to be around instead...and need to unlearn that bad habit.


My in-laws really aren't any better than my own family at all. They're basically the same as mine, but with my partner as the scapegoat. It seems he tries hard to receiving the validation or whatever thay he ALWAYS pushes me to the side and I feel lesser than...

If I had the finances or the means, I would broke lose from this chain. I don't want my son to grow up the same way I did or how his father did.

I just feel tired of just being treated as lesser than, especially because I'm a woman. Both their and my culture hold sexist prejudice which is irritating to deal with. I work hard. I provide for my family. I take care of the house, finances, childrearing, etc. I am tired of both sides [FOO & inlaws] trying to undermine me. It's irritating. I feel more done than ever.

Sorry for the ramble. Today was a very frustrating day with how step MIL was talking rudely to me, expecting me to pay MORE money out of MY pockets when FIL took control of OUR party that WE(partner & I) set for little one. Then to top it off, SIL was holding lil one during presents time and sitting with my partner and it took awhile before anyone said anything like "hey, you're not that kids mom". Then partner ignored me most of the time and I was on baby duty for 95% of the time, except for the few people how wanted to hold little one. There really wasn't a good place to set down little one because the flooring was bad and they don't have a controlled temperature in the house. There were a lot of people too that came, when it was supposed to be a small party.

Then FIL had the audacity to criticize my mother & father and eldest brother for not coming to the party WHEN THEY LIVE 1,000KM AWAY AND COVID. Also, FIL is a jerk while drinking and has got physically abusive with partner.

They're NOT any better than my family, their just as bad or worse. I am TIRED of them trying to control my life.

Now SIL wants to "help" take the little one off my hands but really? She wants my partner's and her biomom to see lil one. So...their biomom won't talk to partner but demands to see little one? 

I feel done.

[Concerned One]

Yes that sounds a lot more complex network than my very nuclear family. I'm quite lucky in that respect.

What with so many strings and ties perhaps baby steps would be a good idea. VLC to LC to NC?

[BefuddledClarity]

Yes that sounds a lot more complex network than my very nuclear family. I'm quite lucky in that respect.

What with so many strings and ties perhaps baby steps would be a good idea. VLC to LC to NC?

That's a good idea.

Currently, I am. VLC/LC with family(they live far away) and see my inlaws a bit more frequently(I used to have to see them almost daily until the pandemic hit. My FIL is actually my partner's boss...)...They're the ones that drive me more nuts. With my own family, I'm better at dealing with them and shutting down any rude comments. They (normally) can't get to me easily, but have been able to because of the stress I have from work and home life and inlaws...

I clicked up recently with my brothers and we hung out, so we're good for now...we typically need space from eachother. I just feel like we're growing apart sometimes...

I just don't know how to handle my inlaws at all. I have a lot more stories on them but for another time.

And I have mixed feelings about my partner...

I just feel tired and want to protect myself AND my son. I'm tired of bending over backwards for other people.

giving up on your family seems to be really radical

Why?

[GettingOOTF]

I am NC with my entire family. I’m sure I took the path most people who are NC took. I started with trying to explain how hurtful they were and asked them to stop. They didn’t. As I got more distance and saw how other families treated one another I started lowering contact. Then after a series of events I went NC with my siblings, then a year later with my father. Almost a year to the day I cut contact with my uncle who was passing along messages despite repeated requests not to.

There was a lot of guilt initially and I doubted whether or not I was doing the right thing. I still have moments when I waiver. My father is elderly, my sister is in a dangerously abusive marriage in a country women have no rights. I read around this site and occasionally a post really triggers my guilt.

That said my life is so much better. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. I have learned more about myself in the last year than the entire rest of my life combined.

It’s hard to describe but I feel like I can truly be who I am without their expectations and scapegoating. I never realized how much I let their views of me impact my views of myself and how I let them control my behavior even though I live on the other side of the world. It has been a truly freeing experience for me.

Over time I have come to see that my choices in partners, friends and work situations was directly impacted by my upbringing and my relationship with my family.  I have slowly removed all of that from my life.

You get to choose your own path and NC is a very valid choice. It’s one that many, many people choose for themselves.

One of my biggest lessons as been to listen to my gut, it’s never been wrong.

[BefuddledClarity]

I am NC with my entire family. I'm sure I took the path most people who are NC took. I started with trying to explain how hurtful they were and asked them to stop. They didn't. As I got more distance and saw how other families treated one another I started lowering contact. Then after a series of events I went NC with my siblings, then a year later with my father. Almost a year to the day I cut contact with my uncle who was passing along messages despite repeated requests not to.

There was a lot of guilt initially and I doubted whether or not I was doing the right thing. I still have moments when I waiver. My father is elderly, my sister is in a dangerously abusive marriage in a country women have no rights. I read around this site and occasionally a post really triggers my guilt.

That said my life is so much better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted. I have learned more about myself in the last year than the entire rest of my life combined.

It's hard to describe but I feel like I can truly be who I am without their expectations and scapegoating. I never realized how much I let their views of me impact my views of myself and how I let them control my behavior even though I live on the other side of the world. It has been a truly freeing experience for me.

Over time I have come to see that my choices in partners, friends and work situations was directly impacted by my upbringing and my relationship with my family.  I have slowly removed all of that from my life.

You get to choose your own path and NC is a very valid choice. It's one that many, many people choose for themselves.

One of my biggest lessons as been to listen to my gut, it's never been wrong.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I greatly appreciate your response!

I find myself JADEing with people(I believe that's the term) when I tell them my situation with my in-laws and family. They basically say I need to get over it, or if I restrict my son's contact with them, then I'm a bitch...

I wonder if they would say that if it was a MAN?

My "friends" seem a bit toxic right now to be honest...They're from my equally toxic workplace...


I'm glad you feel a weight lifter off your shoulders! To be honest, yesterday I felt pretty okay. I went out for the first time and interacted with cool people with the same interests as me...I realized it's not too hard to find.

I have a hard time keeping friends though. When they're people, I end up ghosting and feeling ashamed. Those people are cool, who have ambitions and goals in life, and I feel like I am stuck...so I ran away.

I feel like I have a better time making friends online based on hobbies...but come to find out there are some cool people offline with same hobbies! Just gotta find groups and be careful(because of virus...)

Sorry, I'm rambling a lot but I just feel like I can relate to how you feel. When I was temporarily NC with my family(before meeting partner and having baby) I felt...good...

I appreciate you letting me know NC is a valid choice. Like I mentioned prior, people tell me "that's your family so DEAL with it!" Well...I had to deal with my family for a couple of decades and I know how they're like, so they can't tell me ANYTHING.

I also notice the people who tell me  NOT to go NC have equally dysfunctional families(like the two coworker "friends" I mentioned). I don't care what they think and I want to shake them loose once I get a new job...

Again, thank you GettingOOTF, I see you around sometimes and always enjoy reading your posts and seeing your insight.

[Concerned One]

I am NC with my entire family. I'm sure I took the path most people who are NC took. I started with trying to explain how hurtful they were and asked them to stop. They didn't. As I got more distance and saw how other families treated one another I started lowering contact. Then after a series of events I went NC with my siblings, then a year later with my father. Almost a year to the day I cut contact with my uncle who was passing along messages despite repeated requests not to.

There was a lot of guilt initially and I doubted whether or not I was doing the right thing. I still have moments when I waiver. My father is elderly, my sister is in a dangerously abusive marriage in a country women have no rights. I read around this site and occasionally a post really triggers my guilt.

That said my life is so much better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted. I have learned more about myself in the last year than the entire rest of my life combined.

It's hard to describe but I feel like I can truly be who I am without their expectations and scapegoating. I never realized how much I let their views of me impact my views of myself and how I let them control my behavior even though I live on the other side of the world. It has been a truly freeing experience for me.

Over time I have come to see that my choices in partners, friends and work situations was directly impacted by my upbringing and my relationship with my family.  I have slowly removed all of that from my life.

You get to choose your own path and NC is a very valid choice. It's one that many, many people choose for themselves.

One of my biggest lessons as been to listen to my gut, it's never been wrong.

Guilt was the biggest factor in remaining in contact with my family. My mother's act as the hard done by, harmless victim was so good that I couldn't bring myself to doing it.

But one day on the 17/8/2020 I felt compelled to call her but there was no answer. Normally she'll call back but she didn't do that either. So I called from a different number. She picked up immediately. I was so shocked that she'd play these little games with me. It's the kind of thing you expect from someone you're dating but not your mother.

I couldn't hold back my feelings and told her what I thought. She hung up. Again I was shocked. Who was this person that could just hang up on her own son who was clearly distressed at having his mother play psychological Games with him.

She called back an hour or so later and when I again told her how I felt she sneered and did that little laugh a serial killer might give when one of his victims pleads for mercy. Then again she hung up. She abandoned me psychologically my whole life and then does it twice in one day.

That's when I realised I had to go NC. I had seen the man behind the curtain, the wolf behind the sheep's clothing and there was no unseeing that. 

[newlife33]

I will be four years NC on December 24th.  It was not an easy choice, like you I had a lot of entanglements.  I was VLC for two years before that, slowly knocking them out one by and one.  Then on Christmas Eve I remember looking around feeling like I was on a t.v. show full of angry robots.  I walked out and never looked back, have been NC ever since.

Wasn't easy.  They stalked me on my phone, showed up unannounced to my apartment,  sent packages to work, showed up at my job, they even one time came into the classroom that I work in! 

Those were difficult moments.  Overall though my life is so much better and I feel like I am finally able to breathe and be myself

[Concerned One]

on Christmas Eve I remember looking around feeling like I was on a t.v. show full of angry robots. 

[BefuddledClarity]

I am NC with my entire family. I'm sure I took the path most people who are NC took. I started with trying to explain how hurtful they were and asked them to stop. They didn't. As I got more distance and saw how other families treated one another I started lowering contact. Then after a series of events I went NC with my siblings, then a year later with my father. Almost a year to the day I cut contact with my uncle who was passing along messages despite repeated requests not to.

There was a lot of guilt initially and I doubted whether or not I was doing the right thing. I still have moments when I waiver. My father is elderly, my sister is in a dangerously abusive marriage in a country women have no rights. I read around this site and occasionally a post really triggers my guilt.

That said my life is so much better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted. I have learned more about myself in the last year than the entire rest of my life combined.

It's hard to describe but I feel like I can truly be who I am without their expectations and scapegoating. I never realized how much I let their views of me impact my views of myself and how I let them control my behavior even though I live on the other side of the world. It has been a truly freeing experience for me.

Over time I have come to see that my choices in partners, friends and work situations was directly impacted by my upbringing and my relationship with my family.  I have slowly removed all of that from my life.

You get to choose your own path and NC is a very valid choice. It's one that many, many people choose for themselves.

One of my biggest lessons as been to listen to my gut, it's never been wrong.

Guilt was the biggest factor in remaining in contact with my family. My mother's act as the hard done by, harmless victim was so good that I couldn't bring myself to doing it.

But one day on the 17/8/2020 I felt compelled to call her but there was no answer. Normally she'll call back but she didn't do that either. So I called from a different number. She picked up immediately. I was so shocked that she'd play these little games with me. It's the kind of thing you expect from someone you're dating but not your mother.

I couldn't hold back my feelings and told her what I thought. She hung up. Again I was shocked. Who was this person that could just hang up on her own son who was clearly distressed at having his mother play psychological Games with him.

She called back an hour or so later and when I again told her how I felt she sneered and did that little laugh a serial killer might give when one of his victims pleads for mercy. Then again she hung up. She abandoned me psychologically my whole life and then does it twice in one day.

That's when I realised I had to go NC. I had seen the man behind the curtain, the wolf behind the sheep's clothing and there was no unseeing that. 

I appreciate hearing about your experience, and I am sorry you had to deal with that! What your mother did was uncalled for and rude!

Your mother reminds me of my partner's biomother... She'll ignore him until she gets what she wants(currently, she wants to see her grandson, aka our son). She also believes she did NO wrong(abandoned her children young, tried stabbing both SiL and partner with a knife when they were young and when she used to drink, her trying to beat up SiL, etc).

She says she won't apologize and that my partner can get over himself...this is another reason I DO NOT like her, yet...she likes me??? Which is confusing as hell....

Anyways, that's terrible that your mother treated you that way! You deserve better treatment, and I am glad you no longer have to put up with that, Concerned One.

I will be four years NC on December 24th.  It was not an easy choice, like you I had a lot of entanglements.  I was VLC for two years before that, slowly knocking them out one by and one.  Then on Christmas Eve I remember looking around feeling like I was on a t.v. show full of angry robots.  I walked out and never looked back, have been NC ever since.

Wasn't easy.  They stalked me on my phone, showed up unannounced to my apartment,  sent packages to work, showed up at my job, they even one time came into the classroom that I work in! 

Those were difficult moments.  Overall though my life is so much better and I feel like I am finally able to breathe and be myself

Thank you for sharing your experience, and that bites that you had to deal with them stalking you...That's part of the reason I moved around quite a bit, from town to city, city to state, state to providence and hopefully out of this country...I want to get away from it all and be ME.

I know I shouldn't run away from my problems but...I want to live where I want to I ended up here based on maternal family members offering. But I want to be my OWN person and decide where I would like to live.

For now, I stay in this city, because I do not want to separate my son from his father (my current partner) and I don't know if his father will come with me...He was born and raised here all his life, while I've always uprooted and have no attachments to my home town.

Anyways...It's easier for me to separate from my own family(because they don't really care as much to keep in contact), just not from in-laws...they're control-freaks.

If I had my way, I would keep my son away from them, because they make me miserable, and I don't want them pouring their negativity onto my son like they do to partner(ex. BioMiL still ignores him, FiL bosses partner around and gets into physical fights with partner when he's drunk on holidays and acts like a "righteous religious man" when he's not "righteous" at all, SiL is very nosy and tries to control partner too and doesn't hold up her promises EVER which irritates him and stepMiL...I found out she's full of crap and makes snide remarks occassionally, a little bossy as well).

Just...frustrating.

My partner's biomom wants to see my son and SiL keeps pushing---My partner wants to let it happen but I am not comfortable and unsure of what to say at his point. His excuse is "that's his mother though" but come on now, YOU won't even go visit your mom so what is this??

My SiL keeps saying we should drop off little one to her house, but...I've had SO many issues with them it's frustrating.

And I already have a DAYCARE because they were terrible at watching little one.

It feels like they're thinking I am inadequate to mother my own child "alone" since they KNOW partner isn't "helping" like...get your nose out of MY business.

Since the beginning, his whole family told me that my partner is terrible and they're surprised BY GLAD I am with him, but...they don't realize by them saying that, that just shows how terrible they were at parenting their own child.

SiL seems to be pushing me hard from close to day 1 to leave my partner and says he's not capable of doing whatever he needs to even though she has a LOT of her own issues.

Ugh, yeah so...anyways lol sorry for rambling. I want to get away from all THAT. From my in-laws.

on Christmas Eve I remember looking around feeling like I was on a t.v. show full of angry robots. 

Haha that's how it felt with my FOO!! I don't have to interact with them much because I live far away from (most) of them, but I live in same city as a brother, whom they visit occassionally. I am...kinda okay wih VLC but honestly, they feel like strangers to me that share my blood that it sucks... My parents aren't exactly rude anymore but they're very...they just don't take much interest in my life or know me at all. It feels odd...sometimes when trying to have a decent conversation with them, it's like talking to a brick wall.

My partner's family on the other hand, it's always about "me, me, me"(minus SiL, she has empathy, she just has bad case of 'fleas' like partner...unless partner is PD then...) In otherwords, if you don't talk to them ABOUT them or praise them, then there IS no conversation...it sucks too...I want to leave these strange, argumentative robots and walk away.

((They also argue amongst themselves A LOT and it gives me a headache like holy cow I didn't realize people argue EVERYDAY over EVERYTHING))

[Concerned One]

.

(They also argue amongst themselves A LOT and it gives me a headache like holy cow I didn't realize people argue EVERYDAY over EVERYTHING))

That's one consolation of going NC. Knowing that without their scapegoat they're going to need a replacement so yes there will be lots of infighting.

This is why they're so desperate to have me back. Not because they love or care for me but because they need their little scapegoat back in its place.