Feeling lonely - recovering from boundary setting dramas last year

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I hope you are all doing well.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of my holiday, but I'm feeling very lonely.

I've had to remove some abusive people from my life, and while the abuse was really out of line and bad, I'm still recovering from it all.
I just feel very lethargic and tired. So lonely.

Here is some background, but it's only part of the craziness of last year:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86961.0

It's weird because I do have some really nice friends, people that care about me. I have a good job, I'm healthy, I'm on holiday in a beautiful mountain town. I feel like I shouldn't feel sad and yet I do. As lonely as I am I also kind of want to self isolate. I just want healthy relationships.

I've done a lot of self development type work over the holidays. Maybe it's just stirred up a lot of emotions and I'm recovering. Anyway, I am not really sure what I even want here. Well, I am sure in general, healthy relationships. And I know I'm working hard to heal and reach that goal. I'm just feeling a bit sad and lonely atm. Thanks for reading.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi JollyJazz - it sounds like you've been through the wringer when it comes to friendships/roommates, holy cow. I really feel for you. I read your threads and that is a lot to deal with!

A hug for you if you need one

I know the feeling of just non-stop self-blaming and loneliness for drawing boundaries. But I want you to know, in *both* those friendship/roommate situations you were absolutely, perfectly in your rights to protect yourself in such a healthy way, and get away from these people! What you did, I would have encouraged someone else to do in your situation and would have rooted you on without a thought. There is no unreasonableness about it from my third person perspective, what you were dealing with seems too crazy.

I'm just so very sorry you feel lonely but I want you to know that someone here roots for you, and I'm sure others here do too. You made the right decision, and you deserve support for it and to have a cheerleader at your back. Props for getting through it and making the right decision on your own, it means you're strong and healthy 

[1footouttadefog]

I am in a holding pattern due to covid.

I also removed some toxic and abusive relationships.  Right as it was time to start rebuilding covid!

Its not all happening and i find things frustrating.  I have discovered people who truely care about me.  So this is a positive.

Its like so much is on hold socially however.  I have recently doscovered some zello app channels where peoole get together to discuss certain topics.  I realky enjoyed some group chats with polite, diverse people the other night it was like hanging out at a club meeting and chatting. 

I really enjoy these and have set aside a night a week to drink a couple of relaxing beverages and to have an evening chit chatting with other adults. 

I hope you can find a way to reduce your covid loneliness as well.

[pianissimo]

Reading other people's experience is so helpful.

I had a difficult year myself. I also removed some toxic people who were close to me from my life. I too have friends who care about me. I actually live in a very nice place. So, things are going alright. But, recently, I have this big desire to self-isolate. My work place is in this rural town that I commute, most people just hate there. Not a great place... But, I'm longing to live there. I think that deep down I want a simple life between work and home. It's also cheaper there, so it offers financially security. Who knows, I might end up moving there.

These days, I just want to get away from people. I guess that, at this point, I find my relationship to work more meaningful than my relationship to my friends. Even with those who care about me, I feel unseen. It doesn't feel enough. It feels unreliable. So I crave for some kind of stability  and fulfillment and I have this idea that living near work might offer these. I think that it always comes down to the big emotional hole left in childhood. It's hard to tell whether it's me or the hole that's making decisions.

Edit: I now realise the emotional hole was in charge today.

[Phoenix Rising]

I hear you.

For me, it's been a combo of Covid, working through ongoing abuse (the depression, anxiety and hypervigilance that accompanies) and cutting flying monkeys / mutual friends as a result. It took all of last year to even do the last part because I was already pretty lonely/anxious due to the ongoing abuse then Covid hit.. some of the people I had to cut out were friends independent of the exNPD/APD relationship and others were work contacts whom the PD used to continue the abuse after I went NC. A little over a year before that, my father died and I ended up having to go NC with many family members who were FM to a PD relative of mine. It's been rough.

Some days I really want to make some new connections and stay as occupied in hobbies and interests as possible. Other days I want to be alone and it's difficult to interact with others period. I think though that this all is part of healing and working through what has happened. Working through the issues from long ago that have me in fight or flight. I have been reading Psychopath Free and I liked how Jackson validated and recommended not to make new connections for some time. I think we need this time, despite the loneliness, to really know what we want out of our connections with others and know ourselves.

[1footouttadefog]

Living in a small town can offer a degree of comfort and being known that is often not as easy in a larger city.

Wanting a simple circumstance and to be close to work is perfectly understandable

I grew up in a small busy coastal city outside of a large city woth a university and military bases etc.  It finally grew and enveloped out small city woth traffic and complexity. Work commutes triple amd coat of living increased. So many aspects of our everyday life decreased in quality until we sold and moved to a rural mountain area inland.

It took getting used to but I dont miss being in the rat race.  I habe many medium sized cities an hour or hour and a half away.  I can take and evening trip or a day trip as needed then return to my quiet.

Next week I will have an appointment, and will shop at a wholesale club, and eat something different, maybe hit a shop or two then get a name brand coffee and head back to my rural peace and simplicity. 

The rest of the time I can fet a pizza at the gas station, or stop and buy a biscuit with real scrambled eggs and thick bacon at a collection of places filled with locals I recognize from one week or month to the next and who know where I live and my spouses name and ask about my college student etc.

When my father  was ill and then passed for a month or more people mowed my mothers grass and we never new for sure who did it.   When I got my moving truck stuck moving into town the police called another local to handle it at no cost and never berated me.   In the place I moved from I would have been ticketed, made fun of and a preditorial business would have profitted handsomely.

I hope you find somewhere that works for you.  Where I live is a little like the village in Bally KissAngel a bbc program, full of cooks and essentrics but overall pretty safe.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Distancenotdefence,

Thanks so much for your kind words and hug! I really appreciate it!!!

I know the feeling of just non-stop self-blaming and loneliness for drawing boundaries. But I want you to know, in *both* those friendship/roommate situations you were absolutely, perfectly in your rights to protect yourself in such a healthy way, and get away from these people! What you did, I would have encouraged someone else to do in your situation and would have rooted you on without a thought. There is no unreasonableness about it from my third person perspective, what you were dealing with seems too crazy.

I'm just so very sorry you feel lonely but I want you to know that someone here roots for you, and I'm sure others here do too. You made the right decision, and you deserve support for it and to have a cheerleader at your back. Props for getting through it and making the right decision on your own, it means you're strong and healthy 

Its definitely been a lot to deal with! I'm just looking forward to a much nicer 2021! I'm in a nice new place, and I'm starting to build new, healthier friendships

Anyway, thanks so much again! It's really awesome to have that support I think because I'm in a new city which is already stressful and just have been going through a lot of stuff it makes it that much harder to go through these kinds of dramas. But things are getting so much better

[JollyJazz]

Hi 1footouttadefog, actually I am in a part of the world where we have covid under control, so we don't have to self isolate
at the moment, but thank you for your kindness and support!
I like your online group idea I am definitely making myself reach out more. I've actually moved to a new place, and
I've made a new friend which is really nice.
I hope you can find a way through your covid loneliness, hopefully the vaccine will be widely available soon!
+ yes, I hear you on small towns, I have often thought that in some ways they are the best of all worlds, just enough services
to have everything you need, but not so big and busy they are alienating. There are some lovely small towns out there!

Hi pianissimo,
I'm sorry to hear about the emotional hole I know what you mean. I also find that I have to be really mindful about
whether what I'm doing is self isolating in an unhealthy way, or sometimes, healthy solitude.
I'm trying to tune in to my feelings and make the healthiest choices I can. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Phoenix Rising,
Thanks for this perspective. I'm sorry that you had to cut so many people at an already lonely time. I think this is what
has happened to me too, being in a new town is already lonely, and then having the added stress of these friendship dramas
is a lot to deal with!!!

Some days I really want to make some new connections and stay as occupied in hobbies and interests as possible. Other days I want to be alone and it's difficult to interact with others period. I think though that this all is part of healing and working through what has happened. Working through the issues from long ago that have me in fight or flight. I have been reading Psychopath Free and I liked how Jackson validated and recommended not to make new connections for some time. I think we need this time, despite the loneliness, to really know what we want out of our connections with others and know ourselves.

Yes I think the benefit of some healthy solitude during a period of healing is real... I feel like I healed a lot over the holidays, I did a lot of solitary hiking and reading self help books. I hope your healing is going well too!