Helping teen grow up well

[Call Me Cordelia]

[Deborah]

Thank you. Kid is on a two week holiday with dad. I am alone and cleaning up my house. I know kid wants a cleaner house always. I'm overly chaotic. He's overly clean.

I am trying, every day, to forgive my dad and be respectful. I do not know how. He hurt my child in such a covert way nobody notices. He hurt me so, that I could not be there for my child. He did this in a calculad way. I have no idea how to forgive him - or me. Every day is a fight to steer away from hatred. Because I do not want to be like them. Even if he wrecked everything for all of us...on purpose...to get his way...and gets away with it as the big hero of the story, because he is so extremely manipulative... I still do not want to hate. Because that hurts me and kid. Not him: he doesn't self-reflect. It just makes me into a nasty person too. I do not want to give him that triumph.
 

[Deborah]

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[Deborah]

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[Deborah]

I need very serious advice. There are three things that dysregulate me. Dad. The whole CPS circus around dad. And narcissistic people that I cannot get away from with my kid.

My dysregulation has resulted in moments that I was unpredictable for my child. Not in the sense of attacking him. But in the sense of being frightened or desperate. Or blurting out things that were scary to me, and he should not hear.

I've fought for him since he was a babe and took on the entire system....family system on two sides, CPS system, court system...to protect him. But the chronic terror and constant feeling of being on egde...where every mistake I make can be used against me and my kid...makes it difficult to bear confrontation with npd behaviour. It makes my mind go haywire. It has been too long. It is a near automatic response.

I notice kid is stressed and angry. And I truly, really, very much want to do better as a mum. And want to support him. I just do not know how. I see the damage to him and my heart breaks for him. He gives signals of armoring himself as to not go depressed. And it's just... 

Every advice to regulate myself and shut up when confronted with npd behaviour is welcome.
Every advice to soothe my child and help him is welcome.

I'll do the best I can.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry, Deborah. Hugs and prayers for you on this Lord's day. I know you're a believer but for me visualizing the armies of angels, and our God with me and giving me the words to say, and singing songs of worship when I was able, like all the time. Grounding myself in what is in fact the spiritual reality of the situation, and then when I had to engage to try to deliberately slow my breathing.

It seems for you the battle is near constant and it's very difficult to recover from one thing before the next triggering event. Do you have anyone who is genuinely on your side, a source of support in real life? Sounds like you are kind and well liked outside of your dynamic with your dad. You have a lot of responsibility but I see a lot of joy and gratitude in other areas of your life that you share. From my side of the screen, I think you are doing a lot right. Learning to control the desire to overexplain/talk too much when triggered is the next step maybe.

You see the damage to your child, and yes of course that makes you sad, and you will keep fighting for him. But imagine if you did not do that! He might not see the  victories you've won for him, and it would be hard and unfair to expect him to do that, but you can. Can you identify what good you have done for him? What virtues does he have? With all the instability I bet your son needs your love and affirmation even more than kids always do from their mothers. I would suggest as much as possible to keep the focus of your relationship on the joy and gratitude filled parts of your life. You both need that, and it is healing. God bless you.

[Deborah]

Thank you. I will respond later! But it's a great help!

[Deborah]

Thank you again.

You've inspired me to pick up more religious things. Prayer. Reading. Sermon watching. Church. Speaking to christians. Singing and music. It's just hard to see how God can even love me, if I am such a failure.  I just read a story of Paul who sang songs in prison. I feel imprisoned and will sing praise through it.

Breathing and grounding exercises: looked those up too.

Shutting myself up no matter what is crucial. Should have learned that much earlier. That would have won me a few battles. I used to be silent/shut down. Then I learned in therapy to "share my vulnerabilities". Which is cool when people are safe. But they are not. Not in my life. Not in my family. Not in my society. Dad hid all his problems and look what that gets him, whereas my honesty and openness is backfiring majorly.

There's indeed battle upon battle. I'm being prayed over soon and hope it will help. And things will calm down.

There's good people and places around me. They like me. There's joy and gratitude. I have to focus on that with my child as well. Is there a joy & gratitude place here?

But I just really, really, really do not like my family and my society anymore. I've seen their dark sides (as well as my own). And let's just say...it is not pretty. The whole CPS/court/police/mental health system is basically designed such...that it persecutes abused women and children. And protects abusers. They have only done harm. They are a weapon in the hands of abusers.

I've been unkind to my son and I will be more loving and affirming to him. He's been so loving and empathic. I just told him. It's easy to see his good sides, but not mine.

I guess I went against everyone and everything for years at the cost of myself. So radically that I ended up hospitalized. They wanted him killed (abortion). They wanted him in the hands of a violent sociopath (his dad). They invited my childhood sex abuser around him (uncle). I stood in front of that refusing. Putting my foot down. When everyone hated me for it. For years. Seeking out every means to protect him, against all odds...every single lawyer said: you cannot win this. I did. I was broken. But he was safe of my ex. I just didn't have power left for the last part of the battle: my own family trauma and individual trauma. I did do a lot of healing. But not enough.

My pastor said though: you must have tremendous strength to still be standing like this. With all that happened.

[hhaw]

Deborah:

The systems were built by men, and women and children were considered property when the systems were built.

You're dealing with misogyny, but also the ways traumatized people react inside the system, IME.

There's rules to what one can and can't allege in the justice system, IME.

Speaking the entire truth is counterproductive, and often makes one appear less stable than the PD.

To avoid this, it helps to craft one's legal theory around only what can be documented and proven with clarity, IME.

I have so much compassion for you....the abuse you suffered....the gaslighting and sabotage by people who should have protected you.

Know this....those loved ones aren't strong enough to hear your truth, imo.  Shutting you down. Gaining your compliance might have seemed like the obvious way for them to avoid the disgrace of their own burning shame.....and they're used to you fawning to gain acceptance and approval.  That's the expectation, and it's not fair, there is no justice, and you deserved so much more.

I'm sorry you'll likely not receive it....ever. Maybe, on your father's death bed, he'll pull it out if the dirt, and apologize, but that's too late.

What matters now.....all that matters....is your mental health, self care, and relationships with those who get it.

At a point, not long ago, your son wanted to spend time with you, even though it likely cost him something with his grandfather.

Know this.....your father is likely PD.  He will show his true face to your son.  Your son will see the mask slip, and it's good if he can return to his safe, calm, consistent mother, IME.

I think you correctly identify your own reactive behaviors, and how it impacts your son, and situation.  That's important, bc you have to see it, to change it.  You can change it.

Reactivity, IME, is repeated trauma reactivity to emotionally charged events that shut down frontal Cortex logic/creative problem solving access....the part of our brain responsible for reasoning.

To restore choice, logic, reason and the ability to respond/be responsive, requires the cultivation of a split second BEFORE reactivity drags one down the rabbit hole of fight/flight/freeze/fawn reptilian survival brain (amygdala) activation, which auto-shuts down higher thinking frontal Cortex brain.

It's biochemistry.....
You can cultivate that split second. You can restore choice in your difficult moments, for yourself and your son.

You posted about breath work.  That's great, bc calm breathing tells the brain you can't be chased by a tiger IF breathing is calm.  And that's what your body believes is happening when you get switched into survival mode.  Your body is dealing with old, stuck trauma, like it's happening NOW, in this moment.

Learning to calm your Nervous System....learning to engage your Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) responsible for shutting down survival brain and bringing frontal Cortex back online....
restores choice in your life.

And sometimes reactivity still takes over....
sometimes one chooses reactivity....
but choice begins to appear.  Responsiveness and the ability to respond become available, more and more, as one practices engaging PNS, and resisting reactivity. Like using a muscle....it gets stronger, IME.

The reason reactivity is so powerful, is bc brain pathways become covered in white fat, making them lightening fast!  We get snagged and dragged down before we're aware it's happening.

Once one becomes aware, as you're noticing and posting, one has the chance to learn how to cultivate that split second of choice, before getting dragged down reactive rabbit holes.

Once new pathways are established....and used more and more, our frugal brains begin depositing the white fat on those new pathways, by taking it away from the old reactive pathways.

It's biochemistry, not a fault of yours.

This brings me to the concept of radical acceptance.

Of everything.
Particularly what can't be changed.

You have so many traumas bouncing around in your limbic system, unresolved, and they FEEL very current.  They keep you triggered and living in the trauma, like it's happening NOW.  Your biochemistry reacts, sends the signal to shut down your frontal Cortex, logic, reason, and creative problem solving skills.

Everyone needs an integrated brain. You need to learn how to calm your brain, so old trauma can be processed into historic files, and out of your limbic system (emotions) bc that trauma colors everything you see.

It's not your fault.  You're so much stronger than your family expected, but they're benefitting from pushing your buttons and keeping you in fight or flight mode.

You'll benefit from learning about your biochemistry, how it works, and what makes sense to you....out of the many hundreds of ways to calm your biochemistry, engage PNS, and restore choice to your life, IME.

If I could, I'd demand you stop beating yourself up....
Begin treating yourself as you'd treat a young child....so very gently.

I can't, so I invite you to.

See.... When you stop judging.... everything....you save your energy for seeing, noticing, and cultivating choice....and also joy.

When you accept what you can't change, you stop struggling and suffering and wasting your energy, in that way.

Your father's game playing cruelty becomes more apparent, to others, when he can't bait you into drawing negative attention to yourself.

It's not fair.  There's no real justice for what's happened to you in the past. The past IS gone, though reminders bring it right back, like you're still standing in it. Just so you know, your biochemistry reacts as though it's all happening again...now.

I'm saying .....stop.  Stop letting past lost battles take more from you.

Stop letting your father's games pull you off your feet, and sweep you into fight or flight, bc it costs you things you haven't yet lost, imo.

Your son is angry, but kids involved in adult conflict get angry.

You can't undo that.

Stop beating yourself up, and focus on what you can do.

You can be there, sane, safe, and nonjudgmental when your son comes back to you.  In whatever form that takes....a call....a visit....a question. Give him space.  Be patient. Breathe.  Notice when your fear is pulling you off center.  Breathe....sit with it, but don't act when you're fearful and feeling desperate.  Sit with it.  Notice where it's coming from.  Follow it.  Explore your inner world.  Everything belongs, btw. 

You'll be stronger, and more resilient when you do your own self care work.  You'll be better able to respond and not react. 

And you'll model that for your son, who loves you.....
even though he's angry now, ((Deborah)). He loves you.

_______________&&&&&&&____________
******Breathe....fill your lungs from the bottom to the top, like filling a vase.

*****Extend tsunamis of self compassion.

*****Replace all judgement with curiosity.

*****Acceptance everything....every dang thing....all of it.

*****Release the expectations....even the ones you think you can't.

Learn specific coping strategies designed to engage your PNS.  I have to push on walls, when I can't focus on breathe, or peripheral vision, or kissing the earth with my feet, splashing cold water on my face, humming, which usually work pretty well for me for me.

Survival brain NEEEDS to act, so sometimes pushing on a door jamb is just necessary to get out of fight or flight.

You'll find your own ways, and please release outcome when telling your story, bc everyone wants to come to their own conclusions without being commanded to DO, FEEL, or THINK what you demand.

Speak like your speaking to a young child....keep it simple and short, and always always speak of those things you can back up with evidence, and let the rest go.
___________&&&&&&&&&&&&&__________
Hopefully, you'll do what you can toward gaining the outcome you want, then put the story....the worry....the pebble your nose is glued to ...the COW (crisis of the week)on the shelf, so you can turn back to joy.

That's your choice.  To let your father rob you of everything, or just this time and trouble with your son.

In the meantime....what will you do with your son, when he comes back?  I think he will.

Does he play video games?  Learn to play his favorite game....then cook a yummy meal with him, and play it.

Ruminating into the past, and fearing into the future = joy sucking vampires.

There is only here, and now. 

Keep your head where your feet are.

PDs do PD stuff.....bc the grass is green and the sky is blue.  You can't ever know why, bc it's nonsensical.

It's about them.....never about you.

Breathe.....let your son see your father with clarity.  Don't sabotage yourself anymore....bc you're learning how to do better.

Your pastor is right....you are a very strong person, to still be standing and able to fight. It's time to fight smarter. I used to wear a bracelet, I could focus on, when I needed to remember my game plan.  You can ask for and take breaks, during important discussions.  You can write about difficult feelings...scream them onto a page, read it, rewrite it, over and over, till it makes sense, and you internalize it, so no one can throw you off your game with tricks.

It's ok to be vulnerable with your son.... it's ok to be imperfect, and to apologize appropriately....calmly.... sincerely.

I wish you the best possible outcome, Deborah.

[Deborah]

Thank you. I'm a bit too busy to answer. But kid carefully reconnects. We had a calm visit. Though he was using his smartphone the whole time. But I did offer apologies and nothing strange happened. I'm more calm now.

[Deborah]

Thanks. I still cannot really write.

The reality of the situation starts to sink in. I feel I must have done something horridly wrong in life. To have my ex and dad be so terribly manipulative. If I tell what they truly did...the doublemindedness...the weird things my dad did, like secretly stealing my stuff, or smearing me, or being a radically different person in private...people will think I'm insane. He used my mental health problem to try destroy me. But also as a cover up. What kind of horrid reality is this.

Kid is still angry. I have no idea how to fix this.

[hhaw]

It's ok to sit with your feelings, before responding, Deborah.

FYI....what you think about, sets your brain up to SEEK validation for that thing all day long.

That's why they say...
"What you fear will find you."

You aren't responsible for the abuse you suffered.  You were failed by your parents and FOO.

No need to turn on yourself, and look for blame in your direction. 
It's not true.
It won't help anything. You have better uses for your energy, don't you think?

It might take some time, to build new patterns, and habits, that serve you better, but you can do it.

When you were a child , blaming yourself might have been safer than accepting the adults were dangerous and unlikely to protect you. Little Deborah's survival depended on the adults.

Now you're the adult.
Now your son depends on you....and you should internalize the fact....
you're adult self can keep you safe too.  Sometimes the ages one's trauma hit, goes unprocessed, and that younger self is stuck there, suffering, asking for attention....but really....to be tended to.

You can do that work now.

A good trauma informed therapist can help, ime.

I'm so happy your son reconnected so soon.  He loves you. 

Think about what you'd like to build with him.  Think about what you more of.  Think less about what you want less of.

Easier said than done, I know.

But you have the power to choose how you meet adversity.

You respond or react.

Repeat patterns, that no longer serve, or cultivate choice, and build new ways of being in the world.

You can do either....bc you're noticing aware your thoughts.  That's EVERYTHING, IME.