Helping teen grow up well

[Deborah]

My son is 15.

His dad had autism, callous unemotional traits and suspected ASPD (diagnosis). Took me a few years. But he is out of the picture. Kid is physically safe.

I was so broken by escaping ex and equally manipulative CPS workers... that I collapsed. And parents took in kid.  Not sure what mum had (she died) and dad has. But experts speculated in the direction of autism and OCPD or NPD. Kid lives there still. Dad manipulated everyone to keep him. And raise him exactly in his way. And get everyone one his side (smear campaign). And keep me destabilised by gaslighting and the like. I have a diagnosis of CPTSD.

I do not think kid has a PD. In some ways he is the most mature person in the whole family. But he does take over behaviour from my dad. I am not sure what is normal for a teen boy...and what is trauma from my trauma...and what is dad's manipulation. To be clear: I do not blame my child in the slightest. This was caused by us adults. Not by him.

One: he is anxiously obsessive.. OCD-ish. This runs in both families. Think: not sitting on the grass because it is dirty, wanting his shirt ironed when it has the tiniest wrinkle, only wanting very specific foods, etc.

Two: he is spoiled and it shows. Whenever I did not allow things for his own benefit...to teach him bigger values...dad would spoil him with gifts, money, fancy food, doing everything for him. It did not do him well. He is very spoiled in such things. There's also a certain air of intelligent, rich, liberal people being better...and this does not fit who he was. As a child. It fits the family.

Three: he had hyperempathy. He was very sensitive. He is still caring. But he emotionally shuts off a bit. I think. He shows little emotion and seeks little support. It saddens me. Because I couldn't be there when he needed me most. And when I want his compassion..eg. when someone needs help or is poor..he shrugs and acts dismissive...like dad does. It does not fit his original character at all. He'd literally cry if I hurt a fly. Now I see much less emotion. Which scares me.

Four: he shuts me out. He withdraws. He tells very little. Even basic things. I cannot ask questions. He hides behind a phone all day. He is late.

Five: he doesn't want to go with me to church anymore and all that. No, that is not PD. But it does sadden me.

I realise some of this is teen boy behaviour...and some might be more problematic...but all of it is difficult for me to figure out. How to respond. I am better with children and teen girls..than the withdrawal-style of teen boys. Because it triggers my dismissive-dad-trauma and parental alienation-trauma.

How do I respond well? I do not have him at home 24/7. Just limited time each week. Three days a week by day. How do I guide him? Or let go? And also...what is normal and what is not?
 


   

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs to you deborah

it has to be hard seeing him like this and it makes total sense that it's triggering to you.

my best advice as an adult that went through the family re-integration process with my biological mother as a teen-

let him choose the activities and try to use that as a bridge to have conversations.  they don't have to be deep.  keep it light as a boundary maybe and focus on getting to know each other again.  as you get more comfortable again with one another then maybe you can get him more involved in the activities you are interested in and want to expose him to.

it will be hard to know how much of your child's personality has been affect by your father's influence until your son is older and making more choices as an adult- the best thing you can do to get him on the right track is just be there and show through your words/ deeds a different way of being an adult so he has a model for that too.   

[Deborah]

Thanks. I try to find more enjoyment in my own life. To indeed show him how to be an adult in a different way. Maybe I should not expect too much...he is a teen... it is normal to roll his eyes about his mum. I will try keep things light and let him pick. I do think this is best.

It's just...my parents sabotaged me as a child...whether from OCPD or NPD I do not know. Whatever and whomever I loved...if genuinely good for me...they sabotaged. If bad for me...they encouraged. I see them do the same with my kid.

I hate it. But I am sad around my kid. Which makes it worse. I do not know how to be joyful around him. Because it stings. I love him to bits. But they tried so hard to drive a wig between us. Emotionally...whenever kid genuinely opened up to me...they would destroy it...or destroy my health. But also by subtly humiliating me for traits that are actually good and nice. People tell me: this makes you a cool mum.

People I have around me...they are honest and kind...but dad always makes nasty jokes...over their weight, their faith, their poverty, their clothes, etc etc. Now kid looks down on them too. The family is high status. They pushed kid to a high status school. Where he now has high status friends and a high status girl. He doesn't even tell them where I live (a normal little house in a less fancy area of town)... or what I do (an unpaid job...caring for disabled children and caring for the neighbourhood).

It's just...it's like they actively try to turn him into a boy who only values work/status/money/things/posh people/intellect/etc. It hurts when everything I stand for is wrecked towards him...and it influences him... because it is more simple. All the shiny stuffs are not what counts in life. :-/

It hurts how we are driven apart...but also... I think this is not good for him. In the longrun. He is his own person. He has to make his own choice. But men...do I resent my dad (and myself) for showing him a nose-in-the-air lifestyle.

The family...they throw a fancy party with the best of foods and the prettiest of clothes or the priciest of presents. When their kid/sis is crying at home because she cannot be there. And they do not care. To the slightest. My friends...they may be dumber or look shabbier because they have no money. But they are the ones to invite lonely people into their home with christmas. Because they feel nobody should be alone. I want him to know the latter too. And value it.

[Deborah]

I feel I posted too negative about my child. He is a very kindhearted kid. He is good as he is. It just stings that dad plays all these sneaky games with us. And the impact it has on all of us. On our deeper bonds and deeper values. And the trust within the family. I hate the shallowness of it all.

They are screaming they are the most loving family of all. Yet they do not even see how cruel it is to my child...to play games like these.

Kid is not a bad kid. But the games drive all of us apart. With dad playing divide and conquer. In subtle ways. He even set kid up to not want to visit his stepdad and stepsister again...whom he has known since he was 2. They are honest and kind. But dad felt jealous. They also chased away the fosters I had in mind. After kid said he felt very much at home with his best friends family...they sabotaged kids contact with them. They sabotaged contact with the church. With my best friends, who are kind. But not good enough. It is saddening. He is not allowed bonds outside of that with my dad. Dad even bribes him to work with him, rather than in a normal job.

I do not want my kid played like this. It is too subtle to see for him. I do not know how to protect him. I obviously want a bond with my child. But even if I cannot... I want him to bond with genuine people outside of the family. Rather than groomed to be their little fan.

[Rebel13]

Hi Deborah, I just saw this announcement about a free online conference and I thought of what you are struggling with. I hope it might be helpful.

https://www.globalcompassioncoalition.org/young-guys-thrive/

[Deborah]

Thank you. I will look into it. It looks good.

I think what saddens me most...is that I cannot teach him my faith. A true connection with God...and Christian values like compassion to people who are poor or cast out...and a connection to his deeper feelings... and deeper bonds that a real...are crucial to life. And I do not know how to teach him.

I just quickly stopped by my dads house. To give kid something. Something practical. The whole family was together. I did not know. It is mums birthday. None of them greeted me. I was not invited in. Just my tiny nephew of maybe 3 years old. Peeking around the corner. Excited: "that is Deborah! That is Deborah! That is Deborah!" He was very curious. I waved. I smiled. And cried inside. I do not know him. Apparently they show him photos. And tell him their warped stories.

They think they are so very loving. But what loving family celebrates their mother who died...what father remembers his wife with all his children and grandchildren...not inviting his daughter? How cruel is that?

I did wrong. They did wrong. But we did not even split up over things that were real. Mum and dad made up stories on mum's deathbed. Things that did not happen. Things that did happen. But missed essential context. Things twisted. Dad told me he would stoke up the whole family. And he did.

Now I do not know how to reconnect. My brothers got a completely twisted view of me in childhood. Then from when they were 14 and 17 I fled the house. We rarely met for 20 years. Then not at all for 6. Every time I reach out...they angrily want to tell me who I am. What I did wrong. Things that are true. But also things mum and dad confabulated. People who know me well...people who see me daily...people who had a genuine relationship with me these years...they have a radically different view of me. Still they say: they do not know you. We know how you really are. They did not see me for years...then maybe four times a year for decades... They need me to confirm their narrative... so I can never repair contact... without twisting myself back into their lies.

Kid was very guarded. Shielded. Shutting off feelings towards me. But also towards other deeper themes.

I traveled back crying. I still want my family. Also. I do not want my child to be raised by a man that is so cold and cruel...as to have a remembrance of his late wife...not inviting his daughter...whom he tries to alienate from the whole family. By subtle manipulation. Out of revenge.

I did a whole lot wrong. But what kind of father does that? What kind of grandfather? What kind of father has a peace of mind...joyfully laughing and talking.. in a situation like that. I would cry my eyes out over my child that was not there. He did not even come out to say hi. On the birthday of my deceased mother. I readily admit I did a whole lot wrong. I would love to have an honest talk. I apologized for my side of the problem... even for the incest that was aimed at me. But what kind of family is this? What good are they to my child?

[Deborah]

And my child saw my moment of shock/grief. When finding out the family gathered...to remember mum...without me. He immediately put up an emotional wall. Which I understand. But I do not know how to protect him from this mess.

They do not know who I am. At best, they know my trauma-self from 6 years ago. A slight bit. We never had a genuine conversation. Not once. I let them scream out their anger at me. A few times. But they never really listened.

I thought of...again... for my child...taking the lower position. Acknowleding all my mistakes. Acknowledging their pain. Apologizing for my part. Speaking about forgiveness. I'm just scared that they...again... want to force me back into their narrative of who I am. Rather than see who I truly was - and who I truly am now. I do not want to go back into a twisted story. Of how dumb and evil I was to be abused. As a toddler.

I will try once again. For my child. To restore peace. And do my part in apologizing. I too did wrong. I just...I do not want to go back into the lying bubble.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Deborah, this is so heartbreaking. You and your son will be in my prayers today.

[Deborah]

Thank you. I sent a mail to dad. I told him how sad I was. To find out he invited all other kids and grandkids to mums remembrance. And did not even tell me. I asked him how this felt to him. As a father and grandfather. When his family is divided like that. That I could not quite understand how he has peace about that - because I do not.

With everyone laughing and talking inside. A daughter standing outside. One grandchild torn apart. The other curious over his unknown aunt. And held back. That I cried on my way back. That I saw my own part of the problem. That I saw there must be deep hurt. And I offered to listen. Just listen. To his part of the pain and fear and anger. And own my mistakes. But that I wished...for my child and my nephews...that we could stand around them as a loving family. Rather than a family tearing them apart. That I am willing to do my part to heal that. And would love to hear what he needs.

I got a chilling email. That he was offended. He said all of this was a lie. None of it happened. I wonder how he's going to talk himself out of this. If he's going to even deny they were there for mums birthday. He said he would respond better later. I haven't heard of him yet.

I replied I was not sending this as his opponent trying to win. But as his daughter trying to reach her dad. I know it was way too much emotion for him...and way too much "blame"... but I am out of ideas.

I know he is deeply broken inside. I know his childhood was rough. He grew up in a family he calls narcissistic. He grew up in a violent neighbourhood. He was kicked out of kindergarten en not send back for a year or so. Because of misbehaviour. Then my trauma responses broke him more. But if your children and grandchildren are hurting like this... how can you not see? I cry when I see my son struggle. And he doesn't even notice. I know he is not a psychopath. And wish I had done better. So he might have healed.

[Deborah]

https://www.christianlibrary.org.au/index.php/sermons/821-real-faith-and-our-struggle-to-be-wise-james-313-412-text

Prayed. Found this sermon. Think we could both learn from this. I will try better things on my side. I am way too emotional. I never really was...but the longterm trauma wrecked my regulation skills. I will watch what comes out of my own mouth. Whatever the hurt. I will try be the best mum and daughter I can. And what dad does is his responsibility.

[Adria]

Oh Deborah,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. So, so sorry. 

I was in a similar situation with my parents and siblings and son. They didn't physically have my son, though they tried to buy him away from me with exorbitant amounts of money.  But, they did get to him emotionally by trashing me to him continually, along with my ex husband, and they broke him down.

Very tough situations, indeed. Makes you feel so helpless.

I see that you are Christian. Lean into the Lord, put on praise and worship music when it gets really bad.  Take care of yourself. Pray for peace and guidance.

I know this all sounds trivial when you are going through this, but it's all you've got right now. God is all I had going through it.  But he is a big God, and he sees what no one else sees.  He understands when no one else does. 

I don't know what else to say because I feel your pain, and it is such an unfair thing to have to go through.  You are so strong. I will lift you and your son up in prayer, and also pray that your father's heart softens toward you.

I remember that if my son and I got a chance to go for a walk by the lake, or through the woods, and if I could get him to laugh a little, he would open up to me.  So, I made those walks priority when I was together with him.  If you can find something to do to get him to let his guard down, you can make it your thing without him even knowing what your doing.  Maybe it's playing a game, going for ice cream, whatever it his he likes.  You will figure that out, and it will open a door.  Be patient. A little at a time.  We are here for you.

[Deborah]

Thank you so much... thanks... that means a lot. How are you and your child now? If you want to say?

I thought about cooking together with him. I think he enjoys that. As for myself... the pain is almost unbearable... esspecially since I knew what to do, but my pain and fear and confusion about this was/is so big, that I couldn't get myself together.

[Adria]

They hurt my son. He is not mentally well anymore.  They got to him because they couldn't get to me, which it did anyway.

But, you still have time. I love your idea of cooking together, something that takes awhile and I'll bet slowly, but surely he will come around.  Please don't blame yourself.  We all do the best we can in these situations, which are merely impossible to know how to navigate.  Never give up on your son or yourself.  Tomorrow is a brand new day. Hugs, Adria

[Deborah]

I am so sorry they got to your son, and thus you as well. I will pray for you both. Hugs back.

[Adria]

Thank you, Deborah.

[Deborah]

My dad wanted to show us a video of "how happy my childhood was". I think he genuinely wanted to believe it was happy. He picked a movie of the period I was sexually abused. All I could think was: this was not at all a fun period. Look at how little I was. Mum was very kind on the video...until she thought it was switched off... at which point you heard her swear at us.

It is strange how dad saw a loving joyful family...and I saw something radically different.. and could not even tell my child.

[Deborah]

I was stupid. My son is very angry with me. I fear I lost him to my family.

Dad sets no boundaries. Everything is allowed. Everything is given. Everything is done for him. He is spoiled. Kid is subtly manipulated in a direction.. then goes along.. then dad doesn't correct him when it is not good for him. I try set calm boundaries when it is in kids interest...but this makes things even worse.

Kid is always late. Not just with me, he was also kicked out of his job for it. Dad does not set boundaries... if anything, he encourages kid to be late when visiting me. And he wanted him to not have a normal job, but bribes him to work for him. Which makes the dependence even larger. I set boundaries this weekend...telling kid to be in time etc. Kid got angry and in his anger mirrored dads behaviour. I got upset. I tried to stay calm, but I cried. I told him to not act like that.

Kid also has a girl... both only just turned 15. Dad again sets zero boundaries and refuses to have discussions with him about consent and the like. He also refuses to discuss with me. I did bring it up with kid a slight bit. Which makes me the "difficult" parent bringing up "stupid" themes. And dad the "cool and relaxed" parent. But these are very young kids...I'm not extremely strict... he takes her out in the evening, etc. But they do need some boundaries. Dad sets none. Which seems cool at 15. But it's neglect. To illustrate: I had a loverboy type boyfriend at age 16 introducing me to harddrugs...and dad was fine with that: "your problem, you were old enough". I did not dare leave and dad never helped.

Now kid is angry with me all the time...I feel stupid. I cannot parent when someone is actively counter-parenting. I am clumsy with this, because it's just... a mess. Advice is welcome.

I also had a bad convo with dad again. He is superhappy -  secretly - that kid is anrgy with me. I hear it in his voice. When I set normal boundaries with dad, he also doesn't respect my boundaries. I say: I would like to discuss this with my child because it is between us two. Calmly. Dad yells: you are challenged! Kid mirrors his anger at me and I do not know how to stay kind and calm in it.






 




 

[Deborah]

I am depressed. But grateful.

Dad and I had a fall out. I was stupid and begged him to seek help, because I could not live like this. Dad locked me up and called the police to intimidate me for being "suicidal". He then smeared me with brothers. Brothers smeared me with CPS. Brothers also sent me a hatemail. Not even checking my side of the story. Just screaming that I was horrible and they would go to court to keep my child away. Screaming a bunch of nasty stuff through mail.

I calmly and kindly replied that we quit contact 7 years ago. That they had not seen me since. That they barely ever saw me the 20 years before. Just a small chat on a birthday a few times a year. And they had wrongly judged me my full childhood. Because they did not know about the abuse I suffered in backrooms. And that I kept away from them to protect them. That they may want to come listen...to actually know me and know the situation...before judging and interfering. Then I blocked them.

Dad sent brothers to smear me with CPS. I was terrified. I felt guilty and stupid. This time, I too was wrong. I was too emotional.

CPS first startled by brothers story. Then spoke to my kid. Then concluded...
-    She asked kid what he wants. He wants to keep seeing me as much as he does now. Three days a week.
-    She asked kid what he wants with the holidays. He wants to go on a three week holiday with me.
-    Kid really wants to go to the city where we lived together, to learn more about our shared history.
-    Kid was very sad over our holiday possibly being cancelled due to my stupidity and the smear campaign.
-    CPS then convinced my brothers to back off and not go to court. Because they would hurt kid. I actually wonder what the courts would  say...because dad and brother have been physically violent and I have not. And I can prove it.
-    CPS told brothers they might want to reflect whether their truth is the only way to see things.
-    CPS told brothers to back off. They wanted to smear me to kid. She put on paper they weren't allowed.
-    CPS acknowledges they see dad "has issues with empathy".
-    Our shared GP through a detour let me know they see the issues I see...but are not allowed to say...

I do also see he tries his best...he has good sides too...he is just very damaged emotionally. And I make it worse, because I have been in trauma so very long...fighting for my child since he was born...that I am no longer calm and collected. To say the least. And dad smears me with everyone...who then think they help the situation by going all-in hate mode to me...which harms all of us. Me. Kid. Dad. Every time I have dad convinced to maybe calm down and seek help together...some idiot around him who doesn't even know me...stokes him up, based on his own stories....and we're back to zero. I wish people would stop sticking their noses in our affairs. Without coming by to say hi and having an actual talk. 

It's just a shitty situation on all sides. We did wrong on all sides. But I am grateful for my teen son actually...by himself...saying he wants to be here and wants to be on a shared holiday. After all the trauma he also saw from me, I think that is something to be grateful for. I hope I am happy and healthy enough to actually care for him. I try to express the trauma in places like these. And be calm around him.

[Deborah]

I'm trying to put no pressure on kid at all...I know I too traumatized him. I want him to feel free to either come or stay away. Whatever feels safe to him. It's hard. But I think it's important.

Oh and something I forgot to be grateful for. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Kid dares to get angry with me. He speaks up. He says he wants to leave for his girlfriend or a friend. He tells me when I'm behaving in an unhealthy way and I apologize and give him words of what is unhealthy about my own behaviour.

That is sometimes hard. But it's progression from my fawning towards my parents. And my parents demanding that. Going into: "you are crazy that never happened". I'm proud of him - and me.

I also e-mailed dad happy holidays and I love you despite it all. Dad also e-mailed me he loved me.

[Deborah]

Ok. That hope got a hit pretty fast. Kid was here. He was angry a lot at me and my values. Every wrong word got an angry response. And I was not all that grateful for it, when it actually happened. I did stay calm. But I'm not sure what is healthy puberty. What is trauma due to my own mistakes. What is parental alienation. I wish I had done better as a mother. I should have forgiven and distanced from family and gone 100% for self and kid.