Text message from Dad... manipulative language? Not sure what to say...

[TryingToThrive]

"Im still trying to come  with terms why you are distancing from us  you put a hole in my heart last boxing day and now you have put one in mums not ringing her on her birthday or any effort to see us this xmas very poor effort i thought i taught you tell us if there was a problem rather than build it up so you proved me wtong otherwise we would not be going thru this i will always love you and door open hope to see you before i age or be 6ft under i leave this up to you"

[Call Me Cordelia]

No question mark needed. This is a classic manipulative text.

I see this is your first post; so welcome and Merry Christmas! Have you been lurking for a while?

"Im still trying to come  with terms why you are distancing from us Whyyyyy?Oh it’s all such a mystery and you have to explain it over and over until I decide I’m done with the conversation which I won’t.

you put a hole in my heart last boxing day and now you have put one in mums not ringing her on her birthday or any effort to see us this xmas guilt guilt guilt. Has HE made any real effort with YOU?

very poor effort I’m laughing because we have a member on here p123 whose dad would always say “make a big effort.”

i thought i taught you tell us if there was a problem rather than build it up so you proved me wtong otherwise we would not be going thru this This is all your fault. If you did in fact try to rectify things, it’s been disappeared and doesn’t count.

i will always love you and door open I haven’t discarded you yet

hope to see you before i age or be 6ft under i leave this up to you" Oh the old I’ll be dead soon guilt jab. And he absolves himself of all responsibility again, just for good measure/

I don’t know your background obviously, but it’s ridiculous how classic this text is. If your dad leaves it up to you, a perfectly legitimate option is not to reply. Taking his words at face value, you’ve already shown him that you will let things build up rather than talk it out. So... okay then. Cerulean had a message like this and dealt with it brilliantly not long ago, if you don’t like not responding. Either way, I hope you are able to leave your dad’s upset with him and are able to enjoy your Christmas with those you’ve chosen to spend it with, or in your own peaceful company.

[BettyGray]

WOW.

This is dripping with melodramatic  language, meant to stab you with guilt and then twist the knife until you comply.

RED FLAG ALERT!

“YOU did [this & that]”.”
I think I counted six accusations here?

“I taught you...”
-He is trying  to take the moral high ground here.

If this was true,  wouldn’t that be his failure?

“I will always love you”
So...which one of us hasn’t heard this one? They love to roll this one out, but it seems pretty conditional to me. As in, this is your fault, but if you comply we will welcome you back into your scapegoat role. How dare you stand up for yourself!

“Leaving the door open...” insert eye roll here.

Again - trying to grasp at some kind of moral high ground. Trying to be the “bigger person.”

As Cordelia mentioned, it is pretty classic stuff.

Don’t be surprised at some point you receive a package full of baby/childhood photos - you know, when you were easier to manipulate. The good old days. See? We were happy and you ruined everything. I have seen at least one other member who got a similar postal package full of oh-so happy guilt-inducing memorabilia.

Also, whenever a PD lashes out at you, MUST  keep in mind:

1. They are desperate. Try (I know, it’s hard) not to take it personally. You showed courage. That really freaks out a PD - the jig is up. They’ve been caught, and now they’re back pedaling.

2. Projection, projection, projection!
Reverse his words and imagine it’s as if he is looking in the mirror, saying these things to himself.  It’s a good way to depersonalize and in most cases, it really applies to them. They cannot apologize, but they can lash out to cast the blame on someone else. It fits in with what props up their fragile sense of self.

3. I know they’re your parents, but think about the expressed sentiments as though they came from a boss, terrible friend, or abusive ex-boyfriend /girlfriend/spouse.  Any relationship you knew you were better off without. This can apply to FOO and toxic parents. Even though society and PD parents have made sure you internalize that you “owe” them something, no matter how you were treated. It’s simply not true.

4. Six feet under. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

PD parents love to throw  out the old “I could die and THEN you’ll be sorry!”  thing to see if it sticks.

That’s the  creme de la creme  of over -the-top  nonsense.  It’s their Hail Mary.

I realize that even though his words are painful and triggerin to hear,  in the end, you do have the upper hand. You shut the door for a reason. Trust that above all else.

Them being so  “gracious “ as to leave the door open for you, to come in and  admit your wrongs while saying nothing of theirs,  is a trap.  Don’t fall for it.

In 5 years, although most of the mail was screened and tossed by DH, but the stuff I saw (and email that somehow slipped through the blocking until I fixed it) was full of “I/we miss you” and “love yous”  and “I’m sorry IF” or “I’m sorry YOU “ but not even one “I’m sorry for...” or “please forgive me.” No responsibility or humility.

Hope you managed to have a nice Christmas and Boxing Day regardless. It stinks that they can still find ways to ruin Christmas  for us..

Big hugs and all the support you need. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Welcome to the forum, TryingToThrive.

This is the exact kind of text I'm wincing to hear in the coming months, after almost 5 months NC. When it comes: block. I wont have communication open to hear or experience the next ramped-up round of manipulative hoovers....

[Amedee]

Wow. 

This:  " 3. I know they're your parents, but think about the expressed sentiments as though they came from a boss, terrible friend, or abusive ex-boyfriend /girlfriend/spouse.  Any relationship you knew you were better off without. This can apply to FOO and toxic parents. Even though society and PD parents have made sure you internalize that you "owe" them something, no matter how you were treated. It's simply not true."

[JustKathy]

Welcome to the board, TryingToThrive.

Yep, this is to be expected after going NC. I swear these people have a handbook because they all pull from the same script.

"I'm getting older and will probably be dead soon."  I've heard this one a million times from my enFather, who is now 90 and doing just fine. Also textbook is playing the victim and pretending they have no idea why you went NC, followed by "I'll all always love you anyway." In the 55 years leading up to NC neither of my parents ever told me they loved me, but once I ghosted, suddenly so much love.

How to respond? The best response is NO response. Ignore it if you can. If you engage them it will only get worse. If you're not ready for that and feel obligated to reply, I'd just send a thumbs-up emoji or something very ambiguous.

If it helps at all, my enFather did eventually give up. He sent cards and letters for five years after I went NC, then doubled down after my Nmother died. Last year it finally stopped. It may be his advanced age, or possibly my GC sister is now controlling his mail, but whatever the reason, it appears to have ended. If you ignore these messages I do think they'll eventually give up. It may take a while, but after a few years of not getting a response they may slow down or stop altogether.

Have a lovely holiday and try not to let this get to you. Please know that you're not alone. Sending you healing hugs...

[Amedee]

It's the old  "We're perfect .... what's wrong with you?!"

I feel your pain, TryingToThrive.   He's trying to draw you back into the old dance of dysfunction.  If you really want to respond, just ignore the all the hooks and do it on your own terms.  Defending ourselves just plays into the old dynamic.

[BettyGray]

Only thing I would add is if you choose to respond, NEVER do it immediately. That lets them know you are easily available.

The other thing is, and this is part of not responding immediately, is never do it when you are emotionally vulnerable. Knee jerk reactions usually need to be curbed in favor of thoughtful, rational approaches.

If, in the moment, you want to type up or write a response of any kind, do it but do not send it. Walk away. It will be there after your head has cooled down, should you decide to send it.

Sleep on it. A day, a month, whatever. In all likelihood this will help you stay on the rational side of things. When dealing with PDs, it is exceedingly important to stay rational. They're so irrational that it's easy to get sucked into the chaos, trying to reason with the reasonless.

This is a real test of your grit. If you, like many here have C-PTSD, controlling and regulating your emotions may seem impossible. The more easily triggered you are (even if you don't have C-PTSD), the more you should stay away. Pay attention to how your body feels when you think, hear, talk about them. Your body will tell you the truth when your head is clouded with strong emotions.

[DaisyGirl77]

If you want to reply, answer as though they've asked you a question/said a nice thing.  For example, they wished you a happy holiday.  You can respond in kind:  "Merry Christmas, Dad."  That's it.  What he sent doesn't warrant an answer.  It's a dog whistle to make you come & heel & be at your place in the family system.  Break the button for good.

[JustKathy]

You can respond in kind:  "Merry Christmas, Dad."  That's it.  What he sent doesn't warrant an answer.  It's a dog whistle to make you come & heel & be at your place in the family system.  Break the button for good.

Exactly! I wouldn't send anything that reveals your emotions. Keep it simple and brief: "Merry Christmas, "Thank you," or just a smiling emoji.

They send these messages to push our buttons. Don't ever let them see that they got to you or caused you any distress. That's exactly what they want. Don't play along.

[Associate of Daniel]

Nowadays if I receive emails like this from my uNPD exH or his uNPD wife, I ignore them completely and don't respond.

Or I just reply, "Thanks for letting me know your thoughts."

Thankfully, after over 8 years (since uNPD exH left), these types of emails are few and far between, and usually from her rather than him.

It took me a long time to get to the point of being "comfortable" in ignoring them or not engaging in their drama.  I'm not the sort of person to ignore or shun someone who is in distress and I feel dreadful if I offend anyone in any way.

But these people are dangerous to my mental health.  I have to turn my back on them to protect myself. And by doing so, I'm also protecting my ds14.

I know that the parent/child relationship is far different from that between ex spouses.  It will probably take a lot longer to reach a point of acceptance that separation from them is needed and then to do so without feeling overwhelming guilt.

But I suspect that the tools for dealing with the type of communication you described, Trying to Thrive, are the same:

Either to not reply, or acknowledge it without getting involved in the drama.

Either way, hugs are needed....



AOD

[Amedee]

If you want to reply, answer as though they've asked you a question/said a nice thing.  For example, they wished you a happy holiday.  You can respond in kind:  "Merry Christmas, Dad."  That's it.  What he sent doesn't warrant an answer.  It's a dog whistle to make you come & heel & be at your place in the family system.  Break the button for good.

Well put, DaisyGirl.

[Lisa]

Some things that I think have been working well for me regarding eerily similar messages:

Taking time to respond, usually a few days.

When I do respond its very generic and never directly addresses their comments.  "Been busy and not always around my phone, let's talk soon".  "I hope you had a good Christmas"  sometimes it's just tapping on the message to send a heart or thumbs up without any other communication.  I usually get immediate responses from all of these and I choose to leave those messages hanging.  I typically only respond once and do not engage in back and forth messaging.  I have also got comfortable not responding to a lot of the messages as I see them as manipulative and not authentic attempts at a meaningful relationship.

This being said I still have to regulate my emotions as their messages and phone calls are really triggering and I do still feel guilt even though I don't miss them or wish to have a relationship with them.  It takes a lot of mental effort to do this!

[p123]

No question mark needed. This is a classic manipulative text.

I see this is your first post; so welcome and Merry Christmas! Have you been lurking for a while?

"Im still trying to come  with terms why you are distancing from us Whyyyyy?Oh it's all such a mystery and you have to explain it over and over until I decide I'm done with the conversation which I won't.

you put a hole in my heart last boxing day and now you have put one in mums not ringing her on her birthday or any effort to see us this xmas guilt guilt guilt. Has HE made any real effort with YOU?

very poor effort I'm laughing because we have a member on here p123 whose dad would always say "make a big effort."

i thought i taught you tell us if there was a problem rather than build it up so you proved me wtong otherwise we would not be going thru this This is all your fault. If you did in fact try to rectify things, it's been disappeared and doesn't count.

i will always love you and door open I haven't discarded you yet

hope to see you before i age or be 6ft under i leave this up to you" Oh the old I'll be dead soon guilt jab. And he absolves himself of all responsibility again, just for good measure/

I don't know your background obviously, but it's ridiculous how classic this text is. If your dad leaves it up to you, a perfectly legitimate option is not to reply. Taking his words at face value, you've already shown him that you will let things build up rather than talk it out. So... okay then. Cerulean had a message like this and dealt with it brilliantly not long ago, if you don't like not responding. Either way, I hope you are able to leave your dad's upset with him and are able to enjoy your Christmas with those you've chosen to spend it with, or in your own peaceful company.

Yay I got a mention!!!!

He still does it too. Even though I've been nice about and told him that saying this implies im not making an effort and that I find it disrepectful that he feels the need to do it. Still does though - makes me visit less when he rolls that old chestnut out.

[AlisonWonder]

I always have to wonder, if I'm so horrible, why on earth would you want to see me?  Same with flying monkeys, if the N you are fighting for is so great, why aren't you thrilled that they have more time for *you* now?  It's because their  long face makes it unpleasant to be around them, isn't it?  Maybe that's your problem right there..............

I'm so angry at all Ns now......

[Rainbowrama]

 :roll:Wow. So many emotional bombs it's like playing mine sweeper on high difficulty. How can such a small message contain so much manipulation?

[Kiki81]

Response=reward, or validation of the control and manipulation in that text. So if you do respond, you just taught him how to work you over even now.