Why do they stalk / barge into rooms without/against permission?

[Hazy111]

I think i can just add they are all driven by the constant need for "narcissistic supply" attention or drama as SofT calls it. At the heart of the PD is a distorted disordered weak sense of self. They are everything and nothing at the same time and so their self esteem fluctuates wildly . By creating a drama they are momentarily something , they are the centre of attention .   They are not nothing, they exist.

[JollyJazz]

Yes that's true ☺️
Sigh. Gosh it must be so relaxing to have normal families, lol

[blacksheep7]

I know every time I steal attention or time for myself in the same room or otherwise I will deal with a child who demands something from me.

My solution.... I don't go out with him much if at all anymore and he knows  because i have told him, it's either him talking about himself, weasling the conversation to talk about his veteran status, (3 years, about 45 years ago) or my thoughts that have impressed him enough to share.

I have to say it is brain games the whole time. I cannot address it without a fight, he knows he is doing it and can't admit it, and the whole time is an unspoken competition to keep the conversation open and not just about him. He will take over in a heartbeat. He really thinks people come to see HIM not to share an evening.

They are truly empty people and they do not change, so we must.

My ex to a T.  Every evening he would spend hours on the computor after supper. I had a regular bedtime needing my x hours of sleep. I would read my book then all of a sudden when it was «lights out» Mister would come to bed, needed my attention. He would be playful thinking that I would give in.  I had told him many times to come earlier to bed during the work week, no change.

As for going out with Mister and his friends from work I was like you, quit going as I couldn't put in a word into the conversation which was all about work and trade unions.  That's okay, guys night out but don't ask me to come along.

What peeved me the most was when I invited my friends over, he stole them  «conversations»  from me.  After xxx times, it was get togethers at the restaurant.

He was good at brain games with me, nitpicking.  He always wanted to know about my therapy sessions, what was said.

The lightbuld moment was when he asked me that if I ever cheated on him, would I tell him.
I said that I could not answer to something I did not intend to do.  He had  cheated on his ex or exs in the past.   

It's all about attention and how they feel about themselves and others, not trustful. After ten years I left.  He was near stalking me at home with phone conversations and always thinking that I would or did cheat on him.

Those were all Red Flags.  Think of it today, I made a big mistake.......I opened up too much.  Personally I do not believe in being best friends with any partner.

[escapingman]

Very interesting thread, I recognize it all in my uNPDw.

- I am working from home and need peace and quiet at times, both for meetings and also just to keep my thoughts. I have had to tell her that if the door is closed and I have put a sign on it she is under no circumstance to come in . Does she follow the rule? No, of course not. She comes in to look at me if I am still in the meeting, to collect the hover she left in my office, to hang some laundry over the radiator, collect a very important piece of paper in a drawer.
- Still working from home, but not mega busy so work with the door open. She come in to hover around me, collect any rubbish I have left on my desk (5 seconds after I put it down), stand e foot away from me writing an important text for minutes, trying to get my attention for any of her "important" issues, and of course all other reasons to come into the office
- She comes into the bathroom whenever I am there, no matters on what I am doing there, she still comes in. I have now started locking the door but she is just outside listening to what I am doing making loud comments about what business I am doing on the toilet.
- Our children have no privacy at all in the bathroom, if they have a shower she thinks thats a good idea for her to go and use the toilet. They have just been allowed to shower themselves at an age of 11, only reason is that I put my foot down and said enough is enough. She still blames them for not washing their hair properly so she still wants to do it for them (and still does whenever she gets a chance)
- She keeps looking in the knickers before doing the laundry and loudly complains if there is any sign of a skid in them, same for my underpants.
- If I have had a conversation with anyone and tells her about it, the first thing she does is asking or telling me what I should have said (I rarely tell her about any conversations anymore)
- She goes through the kids phones to see what conversations they are having with anyone (specifically me)

Anything she can't control or violate the space for she kicks off about. She need to control everything, into the smallest detail, if not allowed to she snaps. My own solution to all this is to keep booking time away at hotels to regain some privacy, but if I don't answer here messages immediately she gets annoyed (she can wait days to reply to mine or ignore them completely).

[JollyJazz]

Hi escapingman,

Sorry to hear about this! I am glad that you like the thread. It's so validating when we can share these experiences.

They have just been allowed to shower themselves at an age of 11, only reason is that I put my foot down and said enough is enough.

Good on you for setting some boundaries with your UPDW!

Yes it does seem about control - they really respond badly to boundaries. I think its so important to keep setting them though...