What can I do to help my child?

[hhaw]

Jalg:

My experience with a child Psch specializing in crisis...... was helpful. 

The things I think migh apply to your situatin are.....
making a daddy box where your child can make art and color photos you print, etc..... and you can help your child decorate the box and visit it when there's distress..... a place to PUT those hard feelings and channel them..... something to look forward to sharing with the dad when he does come'round, kwim?

Second..... the T talked to my kids about happy and sad choices.  She explained evertone makes them and it helped when talking to the kids about the sad choices their father and his parents made. 

About the fear of being abandoned by you too..... I wish I'd had to words....
"Darlings, I am here for you."  I would have said it to them all the time and I would have said it simple and straight up, without anything else to complicate that truth.  Just.... that.

"Darling, I am here for you."

No promises, or trying to reassure in different messages a 4yo's mind might be confused by.   

There would have been more art and time in the kitchen and looking into their eyes, at their level, being wholly and completely present and calm and joyful in the moment.  I'm sure my distress and anxiety channeled right into their little bodies,but there was no way for me to calm myself down. 

If I'd had access to a trauma informed T..... somehow learn coping strategies to calm my nervouse system so I COULD be calm and present... that would have helped my girls, I know.

I guess I could have channeled some of my anxiety INTO teaching good coping strategies, boundaries and enforcing them, but I didn't have them to share.

I will say this..... when my youngest dd was 4yo she said.....
"Oh, mommy.... daddy's just a big teenager" I KNEW she understood our situation better than I could have explained it.  It wasn't that easy for my older dd. 

Talking about choices..asking the kids what they thought.... asking them what choices they might make in tough situations.... was a helpful tool.....and listening without judging or even commenting beyond repeating back what they said, so they felt heard and listened to.  Kids need to have a voice and feel they have the ability to impact their world and life. 

Finding ways to give that to your child... to give them voice and agency in the world.....is a really good place to start.

You can't control the checked out dad, so do what you CAN do; )

Your child is lucky to have one really great parent.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

In general, I consider information about people's health care, especially mental health treatment, to be private and not to be shared, even within the family. If a person is too young to give permission to share the information, parent or parents should keep the info private for the child.

I am sure this is going to sound like an excuse but anyway.

In the country I live in, English isn't the first language. I took my child to the doctor then dropped him back at school. The school had a lot of questions because covid. The step grandma picks him up from school. Because my foreign language skills aren't fluent, the school tells her everything. I worried the school would tell her this info, and she'd be surprised/not know what to say to the teachers. The laws regarding privacy seem to be different in this country, so the teacher could have said anything. I was actually just trying to keep her informed, but of course she started asking questions about what doctor? And etc. the whole thing was just a mess and total sh*tshow on my part and I feel awful because the rest of the family all started ganging up and basically stating "don't take kid to therapy" (as if it's any of their business.) I did not think. I should have realized that lots of ppl don't believe in psychology. I guess I just assumed she was more understanding. Will not make that mistake again.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Jalg:

My experience with a child Psch specializing in crisis...... was helpful. 

The things I think migh apply to your situatin are.....
making a daddy box where your child can make art and color photos you print, etc..... and you can help your child decorate the box and visit it when there's distress..... a place to PUT those hard feelings and channel them..... something to look forward to sharing with the dad when he does come'round, kwim?

Second..... the T talked to my kids about happy and sad choices.  She explained evertone makes them and it helped when talking to the kids about the sad choices their father and his parents made. 

About the fear of being abandoned by you too..... I wish I'd had to words....
"Darlings, I am here for you."  I would have said it to them all the time and I would have said it simple and straight up, without anything else to complicate that truth.  Just.... that.

"Darling, I am here for you."

No promises, or trying to reassure in different messages a 4yo's mind might be confused by.   

There would have been more art and time in the kitchen and looking into their eyes, at their level, being wholly and completely present and calm and joyful in the moment.  I'm sure my distress and anxiety channeled right into their little bodies,but there was no way for me to calm myself down. 

If I'd had access to a trauma informed T..... somehow learn coping strategies to calm my nervouse system so I COULD be calm and present... that would have helped my girls, I know.

I guess I could have channeled some of my anxiety INTO teaching good coping strategies, boundaries and enforcing them, but I didn't have them to share.

I will say this..... when my youngest dd was 4yo she said.....
"Oh, mommy.... daddy's just a big teenager" I KNEW she understood our situation better than I could have explained it.  It wasn't that easy for my older dd. 

Talking about choices..asking the kids what they thought.... asking them what choices they might make in tough situations.... was a helpful tool.....and listening without judging or even commenting beyond repeating back what they said, so they felt heard and listened to.  Kids need to have a voice and feel they have the ability to impact their world and life. 

Finding ways to give that to your child... to give them voice and agency in the world.....is a really good place to start.

You can't control the checked out dad, so do what you CAN do; )

Your child is lucky to have one really great parent.

Thank you for these tips, they are very useful! I will definitely use these! ❤️

[hhaw]

You're very welcome, Jalg.

Im praying for the best possible outcome for you and your child. 

Sometimes seemingly terrible things turn out to be blessings, ime.

Try to drop judgment and get curious about everything.  It might save you from unnecessary worrying over things you have no power to control.

Acceptance is our friend.

Doing what we can, then putting the story on the shelf, is a productive coping  strategy replacing the worry worry worry coping strategies taxing our adrenals and robbing our joy, ime.

Remember, you're modeling life skills for your child and you won't get any of this time back.  Make it count as you can.  You can't control the pd.

[Poison Ivy]

Justanotherlostgirl, I'm sorry that my tone was a bit sharp. I think you're doing really well for your child despite the huge obstacles you're dealing with.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Try to drop judgment and get curious about everything.  It might save you from unnecessary worrying over things you have no power to control.

Could you give me some more info about this? It's hard to see what poor adaptive skills you have while in the middle of a situation.

It is very hard not to worry. If my uPDH finds out I know about his mistress I do believe that he would not want to go back to Canada and rescind the consent form, esssentially trapping me in this country for the next 14 years without any family and barely and friends. The court system is against foreigners 100%, and most women negotiate child custody outside of court because courts favor men here. The country is still very backwards in this regard. It is really difficult not to worry when your entire life for the next 14 years could either be a chance to be free and be with your family, or having to be in this country at the mercy of this awful person. I do attended therapy, but it is just a really crushing weight for me atm.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Justanotherlostgirl, I'm sorry that my tone was a bit sharp. I think you're doing really well for your child despite the huge obstacles you're dealing with.

It's ok, I understand what you mean. I am really not very good at setting my boundaries. I live with updhs family and they all often cross my boundaries all the time and think that their opinion is the correct one, it's really infuriating. That is their culture though. It's a communal culture where what elders say is what you listen to. You don't question them. This is really why they are upset - I dare to question their authority.  I don't like it at all, but tbh, I actually need to be as cooperative with these ppl as possible because they are trying to help me return to my home country. I feel like if they were to catch me in a lie they wouldn't be near as cooperative as they are being now. They are the ones who convinced my uPDH to sign the consent form for my son to be able to return to my country with me. When I asked my uPDH to sign it he wouldn't sign it. They convinced him.

In any somewhat normal situation, I would also agree with you. My sons health is literally none of their business. I know it's my fault, I shouldn't have told them. I just feel very stupid about the whole thing and very sad for  my child mostly.