What can I do to help my child?

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I'm not quite sure where to put this, so I'm going to put it here. Mods please feel free to move if needed.

I have a young child and my uPDH is in and out of our lives all the time. Sometimes, he may come to stay at our home once a week, sometimes more but he just seems to show up whenever he wants. Myself, as well as his family, have informed him that this is not good for a young child's stability and schedule, but of course, that doesn't bother him. It is however, having a very adverse effect on our child.

I am planning to have my child seen by a psychiatrist, which is the norm in the country I'm living in, before having my child attend therapy regularly. Our child is 4, but every night, before bed, he gets so upset about his dad not being home. He will cry and say he misses his dad, ask me where his dad is and why he isn't at home etc. He loves his father a lot, and can't understand why he has just gone missing from our lives. Until our child can be seen by a mental health professional, I just want some advice on what I should say and do in this situation, or what you have done. My uPDH is very low contact with us. Some nights he calls, other nights he doesn't even bother. We could go 6 days without a call from him. Like I said, he only usually comes to visit once a week.

I usually tell my son things like:
"I am so sorry that daddy isn't here"
"It's ok to talk about what you're feeling"
"It's ok to be sad and angry. If you want to cry, mommy is here"
"Mommy is here every day. I won't leave you"
(I say this because my son has expressed that he is scared I will also leave him)

I'm worried I'm saying the wrong things. I don't want to damage him further. These are adult discussions, but I don't know what to say when he is crying or having a meltdown about this. Unsurprisingly, there is not much information on google for "my pos narc DH won't come home and see his kid, what to say?"

I know lots of you have navigated this. I don't want to damage my child further. Our child is so young, and he should not have to deal with these adult issues. All of this breaks my heart, I feel so awful. Any help is appreciated.

[pushit]

So sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds like hell on you and your son.  I haven't dealt with something like this personally, but I'll throw out my $.02

First off, I think you're handling it exceptionally well from what you're describing.  That's huge and will really help your son in the long run.  You didn't cause this, you're just mitigating the damage done by the other parent. 

The only piece of advice I could give is to recommend seeing a therapist yourself, for you and for your son.  I started seeing a therapist when my marriage was falling apart, she helped me process everything for myself.  I rarely talk to her now, but in all my dealings with my exPDw and the things she does to our kids, it has been really helpful to check in with her from time to time to get advice on how to approach things with the kids.  So, in addition to having your son see a therapist it could be helpful for you to have some adult conversations with a therapist to talk things out and fine tune your approach to things.  Best of luck to you!

[Justanotherlostgirl]

So sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds like hell on you and your son.  I haven't dealt with something like this personally, but I'll throw out my $.02

First off, I think you're handling it exceptionally well from what you're describing.  That's huge and will really help your son in the long run.  You didn't cause this, you're just mitigating the damage done by the other parent. 

The only piece of advice I could give is to recommend seeing a therapist yourself, for you and for your son.  I started seeing a therapist when my marriage was falling apart, she helped me process everything for myself.  I rarely talk to her now, but in all my dealings with my exPDw and the things she does to our kids, it has been really helpful to check in with her from time to time to get advice on how to approach things with the kids.  So, in addition to having your son see a therapist it could be helpful for you to have some adult conversations with a therapist to talk things out and fine tune your approach to things.  Best of luck to you!

Thank you for your reply! I am seeing a therapist myself as well, my therapist has recommended a great child psychologist for my son too and given me some strategies to try to help him.

I discussed a bit with her as well what to say. I was saying things like "daddy loves you", but my therapist really cautioned against this because from his actions that is certainly not the feeling my child might get and in essence it's almost like lying to him. It's very difficult! He's so young to be dealing with this. I'm scared I'll damage him ever more. 😭

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like your H has another life away from you and your kid.  When he is with you,  does he engage fully and in a positive way with you and your child?
My h used to travel a lot for work and when he was gone I built up this fantasy of a happy family that had nothing to do with real life. When he was home my hopes and expectations crumbled to dust and the kids and I were faced with an ill tempered, selfish man who made us cry a lot.

It might really help if you can sort this situation out in your own mind first with a therapist and then model different expectations for your child. Something like 'daddy is here sometimes and not other times but we try to have fun anyway' . There will be other people in your child's life who he sees at random times, grandparents, friends, and his father is one of them. But you are here every day.  Allow your H to become unimportant for yourself and your child - nice when he is here,  nice when he is not. You can model that for your child.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Sounds like your H has another life away from you and your kid.  When he is with you,  does he engage fully and in a positive way with you and your child?
My h used to travel a lot for work and when he was gone I built up this fantasy of a happy family that had nothing to do with real life. When he was home my hopes and expectations crumbled to dust and the kids and I were faced with an ill tempered, selfish man who made us cry a lot.

It might really help if you can sort this situation out in your own mind first with a therapist and then model different expectations for your child. Something like 'daddy is here sometimes and not other times but we try to have fun anyway' . There will be other people in your child's life who he sees at random times, grandparents, friends, and his father is one of them. But you are here every day.  Allow your H to become unimportant for yourself and your child - nice when he is here,  nice when he is not. You can model that for your child.

That is certainly something to try and something I haven't said so I will try that as well.

The situation is incredibly complex. Yes, he has another life with another woman, but my son and I will be going back to my home country in November because I can no longer deal with him and his disgusting behavior. He doesn't know I know about the affair... mostly because I am appeasing him in order for him to not flip out when I leave. Although he is low contact now, I am unsure how unpredictable he will be in the days and weeks before we get on the plane. His family seems to think he will follow us - i am pretty certain he won't based on his current behavior. He has basically discarded the both of us and wants pretty much nothing to do with such responsibility. Which is fine, I am 100% happy without him.

We do always have fun without him, but every night it's just the same crying and sadness and it is just so sad. Like watching your dreams for a happy life and a child to have his father die right in front of you every day. I will try to say that and see how it goes, thanks!

[Penny Lane]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

[SonofThunder]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

I really do hope they will, thanks! It is just heartbreaking to have to hear him go through this all of the time. Being the stable parent is so hard sometimes, my stbx just leaves destruction everywhere it seems and doesn't really care about the consequences.

Do you think it is detrimental for my child to not really see his dad at all? Obviously they will communicate online, but I still struggle a lot with my thoughts on my son not really having a father figure around and how that will affect him. I'm so worried that he will really resent me for this later in life.

I suppose if his dad is this disappointing now, that likely won't change much once I'm in my home country, and I hope my son will see that pattern of behavior and understand when he is old enough, but it just sucks all around.

Thanks for your reply!

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

SoT your thoughts exactly? 🤣

I got the consent form! You've been really helpful since I've been here. It was so great for me when he signed it, I could just feel a world of possibilities open up to me! Please advise, what do you think he might do as the time comes closer to et on the plane. I'm a bit worried that he is fine now, but may react badly and start to act out closer to the date of departure. What do you think?

[SonofThunder]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

SoT your thoughts exactly? 🤣

I got the consent form! You've been really helpful since I've been here. It was so great for me when he signed it, I could just feel a world of possibilities open up to me! Please advise, what do you think he might do as the time comes closer to et on the plane. I'm a bit worried that he is fine now, but may react badly and start to act out closer to the date of departure. What do you think?

Yes, I believe Penny Lane was spot on!

Congrats on accomplishing your goals on obtaining the form!   

My opinion to your question is that PD's desire to be unpredictable, for their own advantage.  Yet, our advantage is that with our Out of the FOG education, we realize they are fairly predictable.  In order for us to protect ourselves, i believe we must use our education in creative ways and stay ahead of the PD game and objectives, using the toolbox and proper 'battle plans' to instead, achieve our own objectives.  My advice is that you think about the traits of PD's and specifically the PD you are dealing with,  and plan accordingly to assist yourself. 

In my case, my PD's are more covert in nature, so i must educate myself on PD traits well, and know my specific PD people well, to plan properly for myself.  My PD people operate behind a facade, to people in relationship circles 3-5 (other family, friends and acquaintances).  But when they are alone with people in relationship circles 1 and 2 (spouse and/or their children), they act out their PD nature. Therefore, when i am with people in relationship circles 3-5, my PD's rarely act out, because they may be discovered.

Does your uPDh not 'act-out' around certain people?  If so, is it possible you and your son can invite-in and/or remain-with those people at ALL times (not being alone to provide that circle 1/2 only window), starting now and until you are out of country and in the safety of a different situation/different people/different laws/different culture?

In another protective sense, do you also hold any advantages which may assist you in a smooth process?  I believe you stated you know (factually?) that there is ongoing illegal activity?  If so, is this knowledge on your part, to your smooth-transfer advantage in some planning way, regarding your uPD's desire to fly under the radar and not expose the activity to authorities and/or circles 3-5?  You also have factual knowledge of a mistress?   Is your uPDh aware you have all this potential exposure knowledge? 

Do you have writings/documents/photo proof of all this knowledge in a safe place outside your own mind and in a place (secure cloud drive) inaccessible to your uPDh, but fully accessible to another person, possibly in the country you are headed, but potentially sharable by you/another with authorities if needed?   Is this info you and another hold, a powerful deterrent for preventing  'acting out' if necessary? 

Again, my advise is to use my education on PD's and other information to my powerful advantage in protection of myself, and make good plans to stay at least one step ahead of the predictable traits of the PD's in my life.

I wish you the best in your planning and in the execution of the plans. 

SoT

[Penny Lane]

Do you think it is detrimental for my child to not really see his dad at all? Obviously they will communicate online, but I still struggle a lot with my thoughts on my son not really having a father figure around and how that will affect him. I'm so worried that he will really resent me for this later in life.

I am not an expert, so you're just getting one person's opinion here. Take it with a grain of salt. I think your gut will lead you in the right direction if you listen to it.

Ideally, your son would have a great father who's involved and engaged and who teaches him good values, life skills, etc. However, that is not the father he has. He has a father who's absent, who's inconsistent, who cheats and lies and manipulates. That is very damaging, in my opinion much more damaging than having no father at all. Who knows, maybe he'll be a better long distance father than he is an up-close father. Maybe if your son only expects to see his dad via video chat once a week, he won't disappoint. Maybe he'll fly out and be a really good Disneyland dad for one week a year. BUT, maybe he won't. Either way, your son will have a buffer from the disappointment he's now facing. So my opinion is that it will be good for your son to have extreme distance from a toxic parent.

On the other hand, his dad will always be his dad. Even with very limited contact, he will still be teaching your son how to live and behave (even with his absence). And you never know, when your son is grown he might want to try to build a closer relationship with his father. So even as you move countries, you're not totally off the hook. Your job will be to teach your son the skills to cope with his uPD parent. Think things like, setting boundaries and keeping expectations low and all the things in the toolbox. This does NOT mean to turn your son against his father - much the opposite, it's teaching him to be a person who could have a (as healthy as possible) relationship with his father if this is what he chooses. It is also teaching him to be a person who can make that choice when he's mature enough to do so.

I don't think your son will resent you for moving. I do think he would resent you if you move and then try to cut off all his access to his dad. I think it's possible that his dad will disappear from his life and later blame you, but I think you can head off potential resentment by being really clear with your son on the facts. Don't try to make him feel bad about his dad, but also don't hide from him that his dad is choosing to not participate. It sounds like you're already doing an amazing job at this, and I am confident that you will continue to do so when you're away from the PD.

Please advise, what do you think he might do as the time comes closer to et on the plane. I'm a bit worried that he is fine now, but may react badly and start to act out closer to the date of departure. What do you think?

What do you know about him and how he has escalated situations in the past? This will give you a big clue. Do you feel like he might be violent, and if so, can you go somewhere else that he can't reach you? If not, can you take preemptive steps to protect yourself emotionally like blocking him on your phone?

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I think things will get a lot better for your son once you leave in November. I think it's better for a child to see an unstable parent less often, than to have to wonder if they're going to see their parent every day.

In the meantime the best thing you can do is provide extra stability and love. You can't totally make up for his father's actions, so don't put pressure on yourself to do so. Keep your eyes on the prize: November!

SoT your thoughts exactly? 🤣

I got the consent form! You've been really helpful since I've been here. It was so great for me when he signed it, I could just feel a world of possibilities open up to me! Please advise, what do you think he might do as the time comes closer to et on the plane. I'm a bit worried that he is fine now, but may react badly and start to act out closer to the date of departure. What do you think?

Yes, I believe Penny Lane was spot on!

Congrats on accomplishing your goals on obtaining the form!   

My opinion to your question is that PD's desire to be unpredictable, for their own advantage.  Yet, our advantage is that with our Out of the FOG education, we realize they are fairly predictable.  In order for us to protect ourselves, i believe we must use our education in creative ways and stay ahead of the PD game and objectives, using the toolbox and proper 'battle plans' to instead, achieve our own objectives.  My advice is that you think about the traits of PD's and specifically the PD you are dealing with,  and plan accordingly to assist yourself. 

In my case, my PD's are more covert in nature, so i must educate myself on PD traits well, and know my specific PD people well, to plan properly for myself.  My PD people operate behind a facade, to people in relationship circles 3-5 (other family, friends and acquaintances).  But when they are alone with people in relationship circles 1 and 2 (spouse and/or their children), they act out their PD nature. Therefore, when i am with people in relationship circles 3-5, my PD's rarely act out, because they may be discovered.

Does your uPDh not 'act-out' around certain people?  If so, is it possible you and your son can invite-in and/or remain-with those people at ALL times (not being alone to provide that circle 1/2 only window), starting now and until you are out of country and in the safety of a different situation/different people/different laws/different culture?

In another protective sense, do you also hold any advantages which may assist you in a smooth process?  I believe you stated you know (factually?) that there is ongoing illegal activity?  If so, is this knowledge on your part, to your smooth-transfer advantage in some planning way, regarding your uPD's desire to fly under the radar and not expose the activity to authorities and/or circles 3-5?  You also have factual knowledge of a mistress?   Is your uPDh aware you have all this potential exposure knowledge? 

Do you have writings/documents/photo proof of all this knowledge in a safe place outside your own mind and in a place (secure cloud drive) inaccessible to your uPDh, but fully accessible to another person, possibly in the country you are headed, but potentially sharable by you/another with authorities if needed?   Is this info you and another hold, a powerful deterrent for preventing  'acting out' if necessary? 

Again, my advise is to use my education on PD's and other information to my powerful advantage in protection of myself, and make good plans to stay at least one step ahead of the predictable traits of the PD's in my life.

I wish you the best in your planning and in the execution of the plans. 

SoT

Thank you again for such great and thorough advice.

He is similar to what you describe - totally different around me then everyone else, the one exception being his father and mother, but not usually, it just depends upon the situation. He won't do the things he does to me, like manipulate, but he will go into rages at them over the smallest of things, or, if I set him off he will misplace his anger onto them if they're somehow involved.

Ex: today we were asked to move things from a room in his parents home to do repairs (he was home for the day). He didn't tell me this was happening beforehand, so when I woke up and saw this, before they just started moving stuff, I asked if DH could put it in a place that was easy for me to access, as I'd be sending some things back in boxes soon for the move. For whatever reason, that set him off. He and his father got into a screaming match and he said some awful things and his father told him to get out of the house. 5 min later, I find him in our room totally fine but giving me the silent treatment 🙄

Anyway I think I will be OK as long as his stepmother is involved because he doesn't seem to do that to her, nor his sister, so I will keep them close by.

I have a recording of him admitting to the illegal activities and naming others. The recording is safe and I've sent a copy to someone I trust. I was advised by a lawyer to do this. I'll be in contact with them again shortly to deal with the cheating situation. I don't have proof of that unless I supoena his family. I'm thinking I may need to hire a PI. The added bonus is they would likely catch the illegal stuff as well. That scares me though because I don't want to rock the boat before I've left, so I'm thinking of scheduling the PI in the days after I've left the country.

I love the toolbox, it's been immensely helpful already. I suspect as time draws closer he will either play the victim to his friends and family and then make a big drama as if he cares (he doesn't), OR he will be super angry that he s no longer in control of this situation and really go off the deep end. A third option is that he remains completely fine and OK, because he wants his girlfriend to believe that he has no issue with this and he loves her. So much to think about.

Thanks again!

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Do you think it is detrimental for my child to not really see his dad at all? Obviously they will communicate online, but I still struggle a lot with my thoughts on my son not really having a father figure around and how that will affect him. I'm so worried that he will really resent me for this later in life.

I am not an expert, so you're just getting one person's opinion here. Take it with a grain of salt. I think your gut will lead you in the right direction if you listen to it.

Ideally, your son would have a great father who's involved and engaged and who teaches him good values, life skills, etc. However, that is not the father he has. He has a father who's absent, who's inconsistent, who cheats and lies and manipulates. That is very damaging, in my opinion much more damaging than having no father at all. Who knows, maybe he'll be a better long distance father than he is an up-close father. Maybe if your son only expects to see his dad via video chat once a week, he won't disappoint. Maybe he'll fly out and be a really good Disneyland dad for one week a year. BUT, maybe he won't. Either way, your son will have a buffer from the disappointment he's now facing. So my opinion is that it will be good for your son to have extreme distance from a toxic parent.

On the other hand, his dad will always be his dad. Even with very limited contact, he will still be teaching your son how to live and behave (even with his absence). And you never know, when your son is grown he might want to try to build a closer relationship with his father. So even as you move countries, you're not totally off the hook. Your job will be to teach your son the skills to cope with his uPD parent. Think things like, setting boundaries and keeping expectations low and all the things in the toolbox. This does NOT mean to turn your son against his father - much the opposite, it's teaching him to be a person who could have a (as healthy as possible) relationship with his father if this is what he chooses. It is also teaching him to be a person who can make that choice when he's mature enough to do so.

I don't think your son will resent you for moving. I do think he would resent you if you move and then try to cut off all his access to his dad. I think it's possible that his dad will disappear from his life and later blame you, but I think you can head off potential resentment by being really clear with your son on the facts. Don't try to make him feel bad about his dad, but also don't hide from him that his dad is choosing to not participate. It sounds like you're already doing an amazing job at this, and I am confident that you will continue to do so when you're away from the PD.

Please advise, what do you think he might do as the time comes closer to et on the plane. I'm a bit worried that he is fine now, but may react badly and start to act out closer to the date of departure. What do you think?

What do you know about him and how he has escalated situations in the past? This will give you a big clue. Do you feel like he might be violent, and if so, can you go somewhere else that he can't reach you? If not, can you take preemptive steps to protect yourself emotionally like blocking him on your phone?

Hi Penny,

Thanks for your reply. I just got through an hour of crying and missing daddy once again, so it was nice to come here and read this reply. I would never think of keeping my son from his dad completely. I've pretty much done everything in my power to prevent that from happening, but it is pretty clear to me now that my husband is impulsive, reckless, and doesn't care who he hurts (even his kid). He has extremely bad decision making skills. He's extremely selfish and it has also become very clear, especially since our son was born, that he lives in a reality completely different to us where we are all just objects in his life made for him to fulfill his selfish desires of seeming like a good person to the world. When we don't react exactly how e are supposed to, he becomes very unhappy and acts out with affairs, manipulation, lies and illegal activities. I feel so torn because I would love my son to have a father and I would do everything to facilitate that - if my husband was a healthy person who could make reasonable decisions.

My situation is pretty complicated. I am kind of in a long haul situation here because I'm not in my home country. I have to somehow get myself and my son back to our country - to protect him from his fathers behavior, and not only that but the laws are quite different for international custody agreements. As a parent, I'm sure you can probably understand that I need to be SURE that my son can remain with me, in a stable environment. Therefore I am going to have to establish something called habitual residence, basically my son needs to remain in my country for a long period of time and become entrenched in the country and culture before courts will afford me any amount of protection from my husband. I am HOPING to do this by as peacefully as possible getting us back to my country and allowing my husband to come to us. If he doesn't (I suspect he won't), that is fine. I want it to be his choice. I'm not going to file for divorce until my son has been in the country for some time. Every step I've taken I have made sure he knew it was his choice, and I have tried my best to make this seem as if it's a benefit to all of us. I just want to keep my son as comfortable as possible with this process, but of course I will go the extreme route if that is necessary to protect my child. International laws are very different from regular custody laws. You have to prove so much more than you would in countries like the US, and even then, children are still returned to the abusers country. I've done a LOT of research about this and I'm keeping it very close to the vest and going with the least nuclear option first.

He may become violent. I personally believe that he is a covert narcissist with some aspd traits. I have seen him be violent to animals and I know he is mafia adjacent in this country for the most part, but has been involved with them in drug related activities. The only good thing is that I live with my husbands family, and they are on my side and are trying to protect me and my son from him. As I said to SoT, I don't think my husband will react violently around them. There are two men in the house (his father and brother), who could help in this situation.

I feel like the toolbox and the members on this forum have really helped me to understand my husband on a much deeper level and prepare for different scenarios, but I feel so useless when it comes to how to deal with my child. I just feel like I can't help him. I don't know how and I don't know where I am going to get the strength to go to bed for another night and listen to him cry about missing his dad. I'm scheduling an appointment with the counselor tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your help! I've read a lot of the forum and lots of people have said you have been really vital for them and gave great advice. I really appreciate your comment!

[Penny Lane]

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with a terrible situation. You are doing exactly the kind of strategic thinking that you will need in order to create the best life for your son. I really like that you're setting up a situation where it can be his choice to let you go/not follow you. I really hope it works out perfectly - I think you are setting yourself up for success.

And always remember that this is not something you are doing to your son. This is something that your husband is choosing to do to your son and to you. So if it doesn't work out, despite your best efforts, that is NOT your fault. You can only control your actions, and you are doing everything right.

I know as a parent it is difficult to not be able to make it all better for your kid. But you can do a lot to mitigate the damage long-term by being there, being consistent and showing him unconditional love. Hopefully the counselor has more/better tools to help, too.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Update: I took my child to the psychologist. He said it is a stress reaction and we set up some therapy and at home rituals to help before bedtime. Hopefully this will work!

Just wanted to update the thread in case anyone was in a similar situation and comes across it.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Update 2: why do I never learn from my mistakes?

So, I told my husbands stepmom I was taking our child to therapy. I'm not sure what I thought would happen, I thought she would be supportive, seeing as she has been so far. big mistake. In this country, apparently therapy is like the worst possible thing which could ever happen! She didn't like it and told my husband about it. He asked me and I didn't lie, I told him what the first doctor had said and that I made a second appointment at another office because the office I wanted to go to didn't have the time slot I wanted.

Y'all he showed up to the therapy session. I don't want him to know I know about his mistress because I'm scared he won't let me go back, so I wasted a bunch of money and was only able to say he comes home once a week due to his job. Of COURSE the therapist obviously couldn't see through this, felt the psychiatrists opinion was wrong, and that my son is totally fine and just has anxiety from going to school.

Lesson learned this time. Keep my mouth SHUT. 🤣

[SonofThunder]

Im sorry this occurred.  Its interesting what PD's choose, in order to be proactive regarding.  If they spent the same amount of energy on the things that mattered, versus making sure the facade is fortified....but thats the hypocrisy thats just so hard for us non's to deal with. 

Yes, i have found that keeping my business to myself is best.  The best laid battle plans in the wrong hands can ruin those plans quickly.  In fact, PD's know this fact also and are masters at advance planning to reach their objectives for themselves at the expense of others, so why shouldn't I as well, in protecting myself and those whom i am responsible.  In fact, i need to do my planning and execution, one-step better in order to enforce my boundaries. 

Also, if people in our lives have access (any access or knowledge) or ability to decipher our electronic access, i caution us all to be aware.  Products (hardware/software) exist that allow smart people to track electronic/internet use and therefore our plans and knowledge are ruined/exposed/controlled.  I would advise for all to be very cautious who they trust (using same internet networks, sharing cell plans etc.), even if they think these persons are trustworthy.  Trusted humans make mistakes also so the less humans involved, the better. 

I wish you the best as you seek what is best for yourself and your child.

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Im sorry this occurred.  Its interesting what PD's choose, in order to be proactive regarding.  If they spent the same amount of energy on the things that mattered, versus making sure the facade is fortified....but thats the hypocrisy thats just so hard for us non's to deal with. 

Yes, i have found that keeping my business to myself is best.  The best laid battle plans in the wrong hands can ruin those plans quickly.  In fact, PD's know this fact also and are masters at advance planning to reach their objectives for themselves at the expense of others, so why shouldn't I as well, in protecting myself and those whom i am responsible.  In fact, i need to do my planning and execution, one-step better in order to enforce my boundaries. 

Also, if people in our lives have access (any access or knowledge) or ability to decipher our electronic access, i caution us all to be aware.  Products (hardware/software) exist that allow smart people to track electronic/internet use and therefore our plans and knowledge are ruined/exposed/controlled.  I would advise for all to be very cautious who they trust (using same internet networks, sharing cell plans etc.), even if they think these persons are trustworthy.  Trusted humans make mistakes also so the less humans involved, the better. 

I wish you the best as you seek what is best for yourself and your child.

SoT

Incredibly surprising considering our child last night was sick and uPDH was nowhere to be found, but somehow made it to today's therapy session after his family called to inform him. I have no idea why the hate therapy so much.

Yes I need to be careful with internet stuff, I am terrified of him finding this page. I've searched my entire phone for software twice and keep changing my passwords.

Lesson learned anyway :sigh:

[SonofThunder]

Im sorry this occurred.  Its interesting what PD's choose, in order to be proactive regarding.  If they spent the same amount of energy on the things that mattered, versus making sure the facade is fortified....but thats the hypocrisy thats just so hard for us non's to deal with. 

Yes, i have found that keeping my business to myself is best.  The best laid battle plans in the wrong hands can ruin those plans quickly.  In fact, PD's know this fact also and are masters at advance planning to reach their objectives for themselves at the expense of others, so why shouldn't I as well, in protecting myself and those whom i am responsible.  In fact, i need to do my planning and execution, one-step better in order to enforce my boundaries. 

Also, if people in our lives have access (any access or knowledge) or ability to decipher our electronic access, i caution us all to be aware.  Products (hardware/software) exist that allow smart people to track electronic/internet use and therefore our plans and knowledge are ruined/exposed/controlled.  I would advise for all to be very cautious who they trust (using same internet networks, sharing cell plans etc.), even if they think these persons are trustworthy.  Trusted humans make mistakes also so the less humans involved, the better. 

I wish you the best as you seek what is best for yourself and your child.

SoT

Incredibly surprising considering our child last night was sick and uPDH was nowhere to be found, but somehow made it to today's therapy session after his family called to inform him. I have no idea why the hate therapy so much.

Yes I need to be careful with internet stuff, I am terrified of him finding this page. I've searched my entire phone for software twice and keep changing my passwords.

Lesson learned anyway :sigh:

Best of luck with all.  Clear your internet history always, use incognito mode always and don't use shared internet  as best possible.  Carefully placed software exists that that can track url's as it passes through a router/modem, so its not just your specific devices.  When folks use home and other wifi's, all devices on the network walk over the same router/modem 'bridge' and therefore just monitoring the 'bridge' is sometimes all thats necessary.  Using cell phone (not home wifi) connections is much safer and i recommend all never share a cell phone plan with a PD. 

My uPDw isnt tech savvy enough for this, but a tech-savvy covert PD would utilize this imo, in a big way, to stay ahead of and stop the plans of a non they desire to control. 

Im just saying so that we all stay vigilant on protecting our adult rights to internet and other privacies. 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

In general, I consider information about people's health care, especially mental health treatment, to be private and not to be shared, even within the family. If a person is too young to give permission to share the information, parent or parents should keep the info private for the child.