Need to set a boundary around Mom's negativity

[Fiasco]

"I need to vent" Ok mom, then buy a journal. Sounds like you better get a thick one! 🤣

[Manu]

Negative pereson are stubborn persons. They don't like listening to others since they are not understanding that's why easily get irked easily by other's any action. They get that adrenalin rush of anger to complain immediately. Since anger feelings don't fade away easily, till it lasts they keep behaving irritatingly. Meanwhile, another thing their eyes gets got and they continue about that then on. Better, you stop giving less attention and be rarely present since this negativity leaves a long impact inside you.

[Psuedonym]

Sneezy I just commented on your other post and had to comment on this one too. Yep, exactly the same...the whining and complaining followed by the very indignant: Well who else can I complain to?

Yep, 100% every time.

I think my very wise DH pointed this out. It helped me and maybe it will help you. HIs observation was that its not that she so much demanded that someone listen to her vent, she was actively trying to ruin my day. If she could make me feel shitty, she instantly felt better. How $#@%d up is that? If you realize this, you can take a different approach.

DO NOT under any circumstances tell her that her negativity is upsetting you. It's like pouring gasoline on a fire because that's exactly what she's trying to. The approach that worked pretty well for me went like this:

Negatron: I'm so... (whine whine whine) because of...(complain complain complain)
Me: That's too bad (in the most grey rock emotionless way possible
.....silence.....(let silence drag out here)
Negatron: And you obviously don't care.
Me: I"m not even going to dignify that with a response.
Negatron: But you don't care.
....silence....(really let the awkward silence sit there)
Negatron: So anyway, (changes subject)

It's really like dealing with a small child. If they can't get a reaction from you they'll eventually just drop it. It's not easy to do but I found it worked best, and knowing that she was enjoying making me feel baad made it a lot easier.

[Sneezy]

DO NOT under any circumstances tell her that her negativity is upsetting you. It's like pouring gasoline on a fire because that's exactly what she's trying to.

Yes, I think this is true.  I don't know if she's trying to make me, in particular, upset, or if making just anyone upset would work for her.  She gets supply from stirring up bad feelings, and I don't know if I'm an easy target because I see her often or if any target would work.  It's probably a combination of the two.

[Andeza]

Since she views you as serving the "dutiful daughter" role, no one is quite as good a target. If you, hypothetically, removed yourself entirely from the equation, she would find someone else to become the subject of her emotional dumping. My uBPDm sure did! They MUST have someone to dump all the stuff on. We lived next to a lady for a little time that also ticked all the classic hermit/waif/BPD boxes. The very first time I met her (DH had spoken to her a couple of times already) she started lamenting that not all parents have a good relationship with their children, oh woe is me, and also she just has sooooooo many health problems she can't do all the things she wants to around the house, woe is me.... I just smiled and nodded and gave DH "the look." The look translate roughly to "this lady is crazy let's get out of here." So that was a case of waif who had lost her preferred dumping ground and was looking for a new one. Not me!

[Manu]

If you want to know what kind of effects you can have when you allow toxicity around for a prolonged period of time then read[url = https://www.crispbytes.site/] signs of mother son enmeshment[/url] Know as much as you can about your situation you are facing so  that you can understand clearly how and why happens. Then find out the precautions that's working in your case and stay away from the toxicity.

[lkdrymom]

I think you did great.  Maybe next time give her a little warning.  First time she starts to complain tell her you are not going to spend time with her if she plans on being miserable and complaining.  Next time you end the visit.  No second chances.  These people don't realize that their negativity makes us sick. Or they just don't care.  My husband curses a lot.  Not just your generic cursing...the hardcore stuff.  A lot of F-bombs over literally nothing.   I used to run out to see what happened...assuming he cut off a finger or something equally as awful.  Nope, dropped a spoon...can't find the scissors...he sneezed. Those are the things he thinks warrants a string of cuss words.  It makes him feel better but stresses me out.  20 years in I have finally learned to just tune him out.