Nice/Fake bil

[blacksheep7]

Hey Blacksheep, I think Call Me Cordelia has articulated what I was thinking much better.  I am sorry your husband was so sick and it would have been such a stressful time.  Perhaps you thought that's when family comes together, they would be concerned and your BIL simply didn't act that way. Not that this is the same but I remember after a family funeral my FOO all went out to dinner and my husband and myself were not invited.  I was floored at the snub.  After all my parents had said family should be together at all the important events in life such as weddings, funerals etc, and then they went and did this.  I remember my husband asking me why I was surprised.  As he said to me, they have always acted like this, they weren't doing anything new and yet for some reason I was expecting things to be different. At the time, I couldn't see it, of course I was expecting things to be different, it was a funeral, I expected family to be family.

I had this family version in my head of what we should be doing, comforting each other, showing concern and genuine care and then when my family did what they always did, the reality of it was jarring.  It's like a flash of insight.  I couldn't see it for a very long time but I finally saw them and who they are. 

I think you have seen your BIL for who he is.  As you say he is not malicious but he is also not close.  He does and says the right things but it's all very surface level.  Now you have seen beneath that and what it means.  You don't see the nice man, you see a man ticking off all the correct boxes that he needs to tick off.

You are not wrong, that he is selfish, yes a normal close sibling would have called and shown concern.  This just isn't their relationship. He may even be nice, I mean you can be nice as an acquaintance but not close like family, he may have even been concerned, just in that detached way these relationships are built on. It's jarring when you see what an actual superficial relationship is.  Sometimes the family history is just too much to overcome that.

I'm glad your husband is getting better.

Hi Hilltop,
Thank you for your kind words concerning dh's recovery.

Sorry that you had to go through a similar event, being rejected.  It sure is a shock at first to process and then we just go on with our lives.  At least we do know what to expect from them.....nothing. lol   To me, a family member that is just nice on the surface is not kind, just phoney, people pleasers which do not amount to much in personnal relationships.  These people have friends like my bil & sil taking cruises with them.  Their conversations have to be about work, something there're familiar with and the rest, superficial. Life is easy breezy for them.  ha ha ha

[DaisyGirl77]

I typically don't go into this forum. I'm a perpetual spinster, lol, so...

I'm happy to hear your husband has made a full recovery. I wish for the year to be a hale one for you (for everyone!).

Your story reminded me of uNM and eF's. My dad spent several months in the hospital a number of years ago for one health issue that snowballed into other, life-threatening. ones. His parents, brother, or his brother's daughter never, not once, visited him in the hospital. Not even when his doctors were saying he was more likely to die. His uN/BPD mother stirred up the woe! drama on her own, but none of his family visited. My uNM kept them updated as much as she could. They were more angry with her because she didn't "spend enough time" on the phone with them communicating the changes. Well, some days there just wasn't anything to tell.

She never forgot this. Dad didn't either, once he was well enough to come home, but he brushed it under the rug and resumed contact with his parents shortly thereafter.

EF is their firstborn, but also the SG. His younger brother is the GC even though he ghosts 99% of the time.

[blacksheep7]

I typically don't go into this forum. I'm a perpetual spinster, lol, so...

I'm happy to hear your husband has made a full recovery. I wish for the year to be a hale one for you (for everyone!).

Your story reminded me of uNM and eF's. My dad spent several months in the hospital a number of years ago for one health issue that snowballed into other, life-threatening. ones. His parents, brother, or his brother's daughter never, not once, visited him in the hospital. Not even when his doctors were saying he was more likely to die. His uN/BPD mother stirred up the woe! drama on her own, but none of his family visited. My uNM kept them updated as much as she could. They were more angry with her because she didn't "spend enough time" on the phone with them communicating the changes. Well, some days there just wasn't anything to tell.

She never forgot this. Dad didn't either, once he was well enough to come home, but he brushed it under the rug and resumed contact with his parents shortly thereafter.

EF is their firstborn, but also the SG. His younger brother is the GC even though he ghosts 99% of the time.

Hi DaisyGirl77,
Thank you for your kind words of dh's recovery and wishes for the new year.  You did make me laugh with your mention of being a  «perpetual spinster».  I get it.  Sometimes it's life that brings us to a point that being alone is better off for us.   A longtime friend of 40 yrs is also a perpetual spinster.

I'm sorry about your F illness.  A pattern that repeats itself in Pd families, showing goodwill and concern but zero in action with high demands in updates.

In 2012, I was hospitalized due to convulsions and losing my balance.  I wasn't well for six months.  My sis, the lost child, M's gc never came to visit me at home.  We live 10 minutes from each other.   Those episodes are not easily forgotten.

Best wishes to you and your family for the new year.