Resuming Contact

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for the update. I'm glad things went well for you and your wife. Sounds like the best possible outcome. You came to this meeting in a position of strength, self-confidence and knowledge of what to do and it paid off. Well done!

[Amadahy]

Wonderfully done, thenextme2020!  It's very touching that your wife felt tenderly toward them.  It is good to still be aware of all the pitfalls and how to mitigate them, but it is certainly good to celebrate the moments of tenderness and genuine care, too.  I wish you and your family the very best going forward. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so glad to hear it went well, and also glad to hear you aren't putting blinders on just because it did.

Both my PDmom and PDmil are capable of behaving themselves in short amounts of time, doubly so if there is something very novel/distracting going on (like meeting grandkids for the first time). So it's wise to remain committed to maintaining your core boundaries.

[Pepin]

What a truly warming update.  I loved reading what you wrote.  You are incredibly aware of every angle it seems and sadly, this is what we must do.  You didn't overthink anything in my opinion; you were prepared and ready.

And...I was in your shoes 22 years ago with similar with my own father after a 4 year discard that he had implemented.  During those four years I went above and beyond to move on with my life and heal.  Those were the best years of my life.  A true gift to myself.

I was urged to reconcile with him at his retirement.  By then I was a wife and an expecting mother.  But I didn't tell him I was going to be a Mom until later.  It seemed that he was suddenly in a rush to make up for lost time and that he was going to be a grand parent.  We live across the country and he even came out to visit with my brother (buffer).  Like you, I immediately called out his shit every. single. time. it. happened.  He was powerless against me.  Zero.  He couldn't touch me.  It felt awesome.  And it also felt sad that I had to do that to him. 

And then.....he went after my brother, the GC.  It took several years to unfold: he hadn't changed one bit.  And then boom, he threw the mother of all tantrums at my brother.  My siblings and I immediately went NC with him and that was 14 years ago.  Going NC after all that was incredibly painful for me.  Incredibly.  Plus, it didn't help that my MIL was also becoming a thorn (another painful component to my PD filled history).   

I don't have words of wisdom.  Only my experience.  PDs display patterns but they can also be highly unpredictable.  They are only in it for themselves during their lifetime.  My father has tried many times to break NC with me.  It is just not going to happen.