The Easy No Contact, or the failure to pursue

[Hilltop]

Yes I have ignoring, rejecting parents.  When I have gone NC they just act like nothing is wrong.  I haven't seen them in 2 years and nothing is said.  My mother texts every few weeks and that's it.  As if it is normal. 

It is hurtful.  I believe they simply don't like me that much.  They do leave me out of family dinners but I guess as adults that is their choice.  They holiday with my sister but told me that monthly dinners was too much for them.  They insult me,  put me down and make comments to let me know they didn't enjoy my company.  Such as if I pay for them if we have coffee at a cafe my father will say thank goodness they aren't paying for being there.  Like it was bad enough being there that he didn't want to have to pay on top of that.

I am at the point I need to accept this is them. I won't get the parents I want.  It is disappointing to me.  It's weird to me that my mother still texts me but I think this is for her image.  I don't really understand it. It is so bizarre. I just want to detach from them. 

[donutmoonpanda]

I am at the point I need to accept this is them. I won't get the parents I want. 

Hilltop, you didn't get the parents you DESERVE. You deserve so much more. I'm very sorry.

For me, ignoring/rejecting is incredibly confusing, weird, just baffling. I'm sort of stunned at every turn. It's incredible the things some parents will do just for their image.

My mother also wanted me to pay for everything she did whenever she visited me, like I have to coddle her or she won't visit at all. She doesn't do that with my brother. I have to be the one to call her -- not my brother, she calls him.

I felt so guilty going NC, but now that it's been a while I feel like her reaction (or lack thereof) has proven that she doesn't give a flip.

[Leonor]

Yes, both of my parents (divorced) are adult abandoners. I think they would have abandoned me as a child but were probably afraid of how that would look.  But even as a kid they were not around a lot and when they were, they were busy with other things, like dating. And golf.

When I spoke to my mother with adult empathy (I was saying how sorry I was that her parents weren't able to love her for herself, but only as a perfect china doll to hold up to everyone else), she snapped off. Like a light switch flipped. Her eyes went dead and her expression was totally flat. She wasn't even mad. It was so unsettling, it was like I could see into this void behind a fragile mask. All her feelings, thoughts, sayings, gestures ... They were just reflections of what she thought would win her admiration from others. I was sitting before her offering real empathy with love, and she could not deal with it.

I assume that she's fine. She has a lot of money. My family "sided" with her. And she has friends. I think she's pretty fine without me, even if she puts on a little teary show if anyone asks about me. But in the dark at night, alone in her big house and some yappy white dog, I bet she doesn't think about me because she's forgotten I exist. I don't say it to be harsh, that's just what it is.

j.

[donutmoonpanda]

"perfect china doll" Leonor, that made my hair stand up. Whenever she sees photos of herself from childhood, my mom says "Wasn't I a doll?"

I never thought about this before: "All her feelings, thoughts, sayings, gestures ... They were just reflections of what she thought would win her admiration from others."

My superficial mom, who thinks words are everything and actions are nothing, the woman who has the world convinced she's a pretty sweet, fun lady -- that's just the mask. I'm seeing the mask and sometimes I still fall for it. I have to remember that it's not authentic, it never was authentic, and it's not about me, it's a mask for her own parents.

That reaction is why I never told my mom why I'm going NC. She knows. I don't have to tell her. I don't want to have to see that far-off look where she's just drops away, dissociating because the truth is in front of her. [It's kind of like the movie Get Out, when hypnotized people fall into the Sunken Place.] Denial is her shield that keeps all that away. I think people like this could deny anything, even the fact that we exist.

[makingachange]

Hi!

My parents too act like nothing is wrong at times...and they just want to pretend that we could just go forward sweeping all they've done under the rug once again.  They do not want to take any responsibility on anything and keep pointing the finger at me....

But, they would truly be fine just sweeping all of the things they have said and done under the rug and act like we are just one big happy family....

It also feels like they just don't care either to make anything right...and never have.  Somehow I am the one left with all the guilt because they have made me the scape goat all of these years ago...

I too felt like a burden growing up and as though I was just another "thing" they had to deal with.  I never quite felt wanted...and felt more like a chore to them.  I think they have always just been more focused on what other people think...so, they act like they care so much...but in reality, their actions show otherwise.