The Easy No Contact, or the failure to pursue

[donutmoonpanda]

Does anybody have a story about going NC where their PD parent(s) didn't pursue the issue at all? The "easy NC"? Where you discover the ties that bind is just like one threadbare piece of floss that's snapped now and your parent(s) pretty much just leaves you alone? This happened with my Dad 5+ years ago. And now it's happening with my Mom. It's almost like they were waiting for the day I just didn't speak to them anymore.

I read about other people experiencing it. (An anecdote in Toxic Parents, I think? Or maybe Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.) A guy told his parents he wasn't going to call them anymore to talk because all they do is talk about themselves, they ask nothing about his life, they just gripe and complain. They never called him. So he put it on them. "If you want to talk to me, you can call me and ask me about my life." Then 5-6 years passed and they never called.

I'm not complaining. I've just read all about the intense traumatic drama parents can drag out when they want to hoover you up. But I've heard less about this type of "radio silence." I'm like: Is this really all there is? I just never returned a voicemail from my mom in 2022 and we never spoke again? After all this pain and trauma, it's just that easy? With Dad, I just got a new phone number and despite millions of other ways of getting in touch with me he never has. I jumped through hoops to maintain a relationship with either one of these people and in the end, the moment I stopped playing the role they wanted me to play, they're both just like, "Ok, bye."

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom is very clingy, and I'm not actually NC, but I have been reducing my level of contact to some form of LC over the last few years. Because she's always been so engulfing, I expected her to kick and scream and cause a fuss, but the reality seems to be that she now forgets I even exist for weeks at a time. Especially (and I now realize this was always the case) if she has other things going on. I am not necessary if she has events and activities to entertain her, but the second she's not busy with one of her pet projects, then suddenly she absolutely MUST speak to me, where have I been, etc., etc. Because of this, I now wonder what her reaction would be to NC. I've seen her cut people out of her life before. It's swift and final. She has that PD knack for going from thinking someone is All Good to All Bad, and I think it'd be surprisingly easy for her to put me in the All Bad camp and be done with me for good.

[donutmoonpanda]

Especially (and I now realize this was always the case) if she has other things going on. I am not necessary if she has events and activities to entertain her, but the second she's not busy with one of her pet projects, then suddenly she absolutely MUST speak to me, where have I been, etc., etc.

That's partly why I finally went NC now. My mom has a lot of activities and friends at this time in her life. A lot to keep her busy. Later in life, that may not be the case and she'd be clingier. Then again what do I know? I'm not sure what to expect anymore!

[moglow]

Donut [would love to hear how you came up with that name, btw!], I also have an abandoning parent. I always feel for the kids here with engulfing and smothering parents but honestly, this isn't easy either. You'd think Cool! I can go NC and no harm no foul. It's still not easy, facing the sheer lack of interest from our parents. I don't remember the last time mine showed even the most superficial interest in me or my life, she never asked. She would make passing comments about my brothers - um okay, you could ask *them* about that. No? I thought if I'd had children she might have pretended, but she's got no relationship with any of her grandchildren either so ...

Mine is one of those "you cant fire me, I QUIT" kind of people. She'll go on and on behind someone's back about who did what to whom and she doesn't know what happened etc and yet never talk to that person or seek any resolution with them. She plays victim, and the poor old widow whose children don't visit and claims she doesn't know why. Four children, grandchildren and a great grandchild and no one visits? Yeah. Common denominator, anyone?

Years ago I blocked mother's cell then realized that block dropped off after 90 days unless you pursued the paid option. Many months later she claimed she'd tried over and over to reach me but always got a message that she was blocked. No you didn't. That block had dropped off and I even told her when. Nope. Last summer I had enough [I thought] and blocked her, went six months without talking to her and in the meantime she disconnected her home phone thinking I'd unblock her cell. So she knowingly cut off "the only means of communication" after harping how important it was that not happen.  I called her at new years, thinking I could handle surface conversation, just play nice etc. She can't. She turned it upside down and inside out within a month, and now I don't have any desire to try again.

Mother sounds like yours, she was waiting for a reason maybe, wanting me to walk away so she didn't have to. This way it's always my fault. As I've said many times now, God forbid she be held responsible for her own behavior.

[donutmoonpanda]

My gosh! It really is "you can't fire me! I quit!" Moglow! That's my FOO motto, I guess! That gives me some clarity.

My mom also says one thing, but all her actions point to something else. She just kind of bumbles her way through proving that she actually really doesn't care about me even a little bit. When I compare her to my NPD dad, he seems so -- he seems like he was really attached to me and kind of actually knew who I was as a person? Not like mom. And that's just so ridiculous that it's "roll on the floor" funny. The man is a monster. Somehow she's worse. She sees even less in me than he did. I've been wondering lately if she even would have kept me if dad wasn't around? Like would she have just left me in a mall when I was little?

Both my parents live in two very warped realities that bear no resemblance whatsoever to real life. It's as if, if I won't slip into that warped reality, then I've chosen not to be a part of their lives. No alternate reality? Then no relationship.

My mom is also destined to just screw up a superficial surface-level relationship. There's really no use giving her the chance. She'd have me do all the work, just like always, then she'd eventually drop off the map when she met some guy. Honestly, it's as if she'd rather me not be around to screw up the image she's cultivating to all her friends of being "this nice lady who had a mean husband, and nothing is her fault it's all his fault. Her kids are just spoiled and ungrateful, that's why you never see them around." She's either this innocent happy-go-lucky person or she's the divorced martyr. I guess she can manage that on Facebook, she doesn't need me.

Oh and my name is just my three favorite things, donuts, moon-watching, & pandas

[moglow]

Mine is very much a "my way or the highway" person - in her mind if you're either100% agreement with her or you're against her. Period. There's no middle ground or just agree to disagree with her, you're best friend or worst enemy. All good or bad. She knows no gray area that I can see, and all about appearances. It's like she wants just enough information to have something to share in the grocery check out line, but no real interest in actually being involved. It's kind of comforting in a way but is a gut sucker at the same time when I watch other women with their mothers. And God help us, mothers day will be here again soon!

I honestly believe at this point, she has a whole lot of entitlement rolled up into that title of Mother. All must worship at Her feet and cater to Her, barring all others. It never occurred that anything more was required of her than to show up. 60 years later, here we are.

[donutmoonpanda]

It's like she wants just enough information to have something to share in the grocery check out line, but no real interest in actually being involved. It's kind of comforting in a way but is a gut sucker at the same time when I watch other women with their mothers. And God help us, mothers day will be here again soon!

I keep thinking that if that's all she wants, is something to talk about in the checkout line, there's no reason for me to be involved at all. Just make something up, mom.

This will be my first mother's day "standing in the light of the truth." No longer being in denial of my mother's behavior and how much it has hurt me. No longer being her doormat. I have no idea what to expect!

I'll probably wonder how many of the people on social media gushing about their mom are thoroughly enmeshed

[moglow]

I keep thinking that if that's all she wants, is something to talk about in the checkout line, there's no reason for me to be involved at all. Just make something up, mom.

And she might - I've had some doozies come back to me that mine told, and I wonder what wall they pinged off of. One of my cousins has somehow maintained a "friendship" of sorts with mother. She told me a while back that mother treats me the way she does because she misses me so much. What the actual...??? And other than the obvious, what exactly does mother miss about me? Cuz didn't have an answer. But again, it all comes from a third party I've not seen in many years.

[Liketheducks]

I put out the boundary....by offering my mom another place to live (she was living with us at the time).  It wasn't working.   Moreover, it was horribly toxic to my FOC, and my FOO had no concept that the home was mine and that certain abusive behaviors wouldn't be tolerated.   At the time, I had a brother who would get rip roaring drunk and become violent at my house....because he felt that it was his mother's home.   I just couldn't do that to my FOC.

   I offered the moon, a choice of one of 3 rental properties I own....all within 10-15 minutes of all her grandchildren.      Offered to move her.  She turned it all down.....but told everyone in my family that I kicked her out and made her homeless because I wouldn't continue tolerating my brother and mother's dysfunction within my home.   She played it off that "if we could just get along, it would be fine".   Nothing about what he did was fine.   He was physically violent with my husband in front of our son.   (That was the last straw for me)

It wasn't easy, in that I had to recenter myself that I WAS really a generous and good daughter.   I wrestled for years with it.   Thankfully, my brother got help AND got sober.   He's doing great.   We are good.    He and my husband and son even now have a healthy relationship.

Mom thinks I'm the person who has to "fix" what I broke.   I think I made a difficult, but necessary decision.   I won't apologize for that....and so she mostly stays away and tells everyone I'm evil.    She doesn't show up typically, expect at the holidays.   She doesn't drop unwanted gifts.   She will occasionally text or email something snarky.   But, mostly I'm good.  She knows if she drops the "I'm dying, you have to come over"....I'm going to call an ambulance, not drop everything.   So, aside from Christmas....she's usually fairly easy to deal with....because we are VLC....and I've been flipped from GC to SG.   

After years of trauma, I'm learning that other people thinking that I'm evil doesn't make me so.   

[treesgrowslowly]

Yep. Some narcissists are very much "have a nice life" even to their own children.

It is part of the disorder from what I understand. Grandiosity.

If you are around and give them access to you, they will use you for supply while you are around.

You might spend years around them thinking that they actually value the relationship with you.

And then if you pull away and go NC, the grandiose narc can feel quite vindicated that you were "not worth their time".

It is an awful awful disorder. So much damage caused.

Trees

[Andeza]

Easy no contact? I suppose. Other than the occasional card for birthdays or holidays, it's radio silence. But it's hard to bug someone when you're blocked on all avenues and live a loooong day's drive away.

Failure to pursue seems to apply. My uBPDm is no doubt sitting in her house moaning "Why me?" to anybody that'll listen. So it probably feeds her need for supply. But that's not my problem, that's her problem.

As for the uPDMIL and enFIL, they're calling it a "tiff." No doubt they assume we'll come crawling back at some point. If that's what they expect, then it's just the biggest piece of evidence that they really do have no clue who their son is. Once he's done, it's over.

[Jolie40]

Does anybody have a story about going NC where their PD parent(s) didn't pursue the issue at all? The "easy NC"?

posted before that I went NC after a chaotic year that was affecting my sleep/health
I did reconnect (by phone) with GC  sibling out of several siblings

GC sibling will receive multiple calls daily from PD parent
one day, sibling was unavailable & phone showed 53 missed calls!

no. of times PD parent has called me:  ZERO

don't feel guilty at all re NC
I figure if interested in my kid or me that PD parent would call but it hasn't happened

[samtosha]

I haven't gone NC ... YET - but I did post in the PD Parents forum about how uNPDm had told my brother she didn't think I cared about her anymore! She needed to "fix" things with me! etc. and he flying-monkeyed me about it. I was actually contemplating what that conversation might be like  and you all helped me clarify my thinking, so thank you! Update - we had a visit when my bro and his kids were in town and I observed her usual pattern of getting attention by putting me down (in supposedly amusing ways, often by bringing up OLD OLD OLD stories about how I was wrong about something or other as a kid. So funny!  ), turning every topic into something about herself, and criticizing/judging etc. The usual crap-ola plus a big dose of cognitive decline or maybe hearing loss, so she doesn't *seem* to comprehend much of what we say to her - it just bounces off, mostly.

Long story short, I had emailed and told my mother that I would be available for that conversation the weekend after my brother's visit, but during that visit I decided I didn't want to do it. It seems absolutely pointless to try to set boundaries or call her out on anything, and I am not up for sitting there listening to her tell me off for never seeing her, or whatever it was she had in mind to say. So I just didn't bring it up during the brother visit or at any time thereafter - a few of you very wisely said that if she wants to talk to me, she can use her words and bring it up! Yes! And guess what - it's been close to a month and I haven't heard from her AT ALL.

All this is to say, yes, I think if I went NC it would be the "easy" kind where I just never hear from her. Maybe I'm NC now?? She typically goes silent for MONTHS - I will occasionally contact her - every 3 months or so - just to check in, and then she whines that she never sees me (she NEVER contacts me first or asks me to do anything, so whatever). I can tell she's not *really* interested in me or my life, but she wants ME to be interested in HERS. That's what she said to my brother: "I don't think Samtosha is interested in my life anymore!" 

So I get it - it sucks that they don't seem to care! It's so weird though. What is all the complaining about if she can't be arsed to pick up the phone herself? It feels like a power play or just...she forgets? Who knows? It's not uncommon, I guess, and it's on THEM. We have our excellent reasons for staying away and, hurtful though it is, it is much easier if they don't pursue us.

[Jolie40]

my husband always said "the phone works both ways"

when our child was young, I took phone off hook during nap time
guess what, PD parent only wanted to call during nap time

one day, PD parent declares "not going to call you anymore since your phone is off hook"
so from then on, I had to be the one to always call
I'd probably call once per/wk (before NC)

however, that wasn't good enough
PD parent said "I talk to so & so sibling every single day!"

if PD parent wanted to talk to me more, call me!

[moglow]

*PD parent said "I talk to so & so sibling every single day!"*

Yeah well maybe they actually like talking to you... 

[donutmoonpanda]

So I get it - it sucks that they don't seem to care! It's so weird though. What is all the complaining about if she can't be arsed to pick up the phone herself? It feels like a power play or just...she forgets? Who knows? It's not uncommon, I guess, and it's on THEM. We have our excellent reasons for staying away and, hurtful though it is, it is much easier if they don't pursue us.

I often think it's a power play. My mom can send gifts (usually regifting things she doesn't want & I don't like) and greeting cards and even text messages, but she never has been able to pick up the phone first. She says she doesn't want to bother me if I'm busy, but if I don't answer she can just leave a message? Why can't she leave a message? Because then I have the power in some warped way? Just one of many games she plays with me. But this one is really working to my advantage!

[samtosha]

Panda - yes, I agree it's about control/power. My mother can manage to contact GC bro, her various siblings, etc. but *I'm* expected to be the one keeping in touch with her. This is a thing she complains about TO OTHER PEOPLE about me (like GC bro, who "reluctantly" tells me this stuff - heh. I think he enjoys being the good child a little too much). I have even said to her - just call me! I actually do pick up the phone when she calls! I answer her emails! I just don't take the initiative too much. So she doesn't get her supply from me calling her - she doesn't get to tell her relatives - "oh, my daughter calls me ALL THE TIME!" AND! When I do call her? She doesn't even want to talk to me! She gets off the phone within minutes. She's not interested in her grandchildren either, though she likes to pump me for information about them that she can brag or complain about to other people  - and to feel better about herself that she at least knows something about my kids - adult people she can't be bothered to call either!

I've come to the sad conclusion (based on a lot of evidence - and DH agrees) that she doesn't like me - and never has. But she still wants people to think she has a great relationship with her only daughter, wants to perceive herself as a great mother, and wants that power over me where she can make me do stuff and I fulfill my role as dutiful daughter. Ugh.

Today I saw she'd commented on a mutual friend's FB post and I said to DH  - OK, Mom's still alive. So that means I can go at least another month before getting worried, haha.

Hugs to all of you who have indifferent, ignoring PD parents. It's truly sad - they're truly pathetic and miss out on so much.

[weddingcat]

Yes. My parents started not contacting me when I moved cities - their phones were always broken, computer died, etc.
I would send them new phones, new computers, something always happened. I'll never have answers. I would try to reach out repeatedly and then one day I just decided to go dark to see when they would contact me. They didn't. 2 years would go by and I wouldn't hear a word, until they needed to inform me of medical issues/emergencies.
Another year went by and I got a call that my mom had died. We never got to say goodbye. I don't know if they had PDs or if they just wanted to be hermits.
My dad died 2 months later in a nursing home. I'm left grasping for answers I'll never have.

[sunshine702]

I inavertantly buised her ego recently so I thnk I moved from Sounding Board child to Scapegoat as she has not contacted me in two weeks.

It was quite odd. I was just discussing my life. I saw an ad for American made natural household products. That was something I was interested in lately.  Contacted the rep and found out it was "Comapny M"  i know them!!. They started in my hometown with vitiamins. Boy they have grown.  I was impressed with some of their cosmetics and asked my uNarc Mom if she had ever tried the.?

"Of course not" she hissed and then hung up.  And I haven't heard from her since..

I accidently said something that pops her MOST FABULOUS OF ALL TIME bubble...again accidently and she woln't speak to me.

I am doing a lot of YouTube videos on Narc family dynamics and journaling to psychologically work through what just happened..

Honestly I am tired of the walking on eggshells feeling. 

[donutmoonpanda]

I've come to the sad conclusion (based on a lot of evidence - and DH agrees) that she doesn't like me - and never has. But she still wants people to think she has a great relationship with her only daughter, wants to perceive herself as a great mother, and wants that power over me where she can make me do stuff and I fulfill my role as dutiful daughter. Ugh.

That is 100 percent exactly how I feel too. Even when I was just a kid, I used to tell people my mom just doesn't like me very much. I mean, everyone in the world was more important to her than I was. I was always a disappointment and a burden. But then GC became very sick and is now disabled. Then NPD Dad divorced her. And my mom made a hard pivot to try to suck me into orbit. She'd tell people we have so much in common and that we're best friends, when I'm not sure she even knows me at all. I guess I fell for her lies too. I allowed myself to believe she liked me and we were close, and I just woke up finally and realized it was never true. All our interactions hurt me so much. So I don't know why I'm so surprised that she just let me fall off the face of the earth, no questions asked.

She just wants people to think she's a good mom, who's so devoted to her adult kids, so she can play the martyr.
AND she wants to be able to make me feel responsible for her, whether that's responsible for her feelings or responsible for her financially. She just really wants to be taken care of like a little child, no responsibilities whatsoever. I'm pretty sure NC is going to result in her getting a new boyfriend before the year is through, someone to fulfill that role.