I said "hope the appointments go well"

[Andeza]

Just wanted to add, you can still say "Woops, sorry Mom, forgot I had something scheduled already that day. I'll pay for your Uber and schedule it."

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

And it's not true that everything you built yourself up for was down the drain... your mother sent you a list of appointments presumably in the expectation of giving rides for all. You wobbled and gave her ONE after your husband's criticism. Which the old LindaLoo would never have dared. So still, you're making progress and don't let your inner critic tell you otherwise!

Regarding your husband's criticism of you, well you are challenging his own choices. Consider the source. My own husband is not the one I look to for support with my challenges, as he is also codependent. We have a good marriage but we don't agree here, specifically with my boundary of NC with his FOO. It's uncomfortable not to have his approval 100% but my boundaries and the peace they bring matter more to me. You can be confident that you are making your choices for good reasons.

As to the "bashing..." Perhaps hearing you vent is too much for him, and he's not telling you this in the most constructive way, by laying blame on you for the state of your relationship with your mom. While our DH's by and large love us, they have their limits with their ability to take our emotions. We can dump those emotions into other outlets too. Mine is sometimes cleaning. Win-win.

[Lilyloo]

Call Me Cordelia,  codependent,  that's it!!  My husband is codependent.  His entire family are that way.  I have looked to him for support,  it's not the place to go. You are so spot on.  I need to dump my emotions into gardening, yes my flower garden!   It's also true I'm not completely down the drain    I did only say one and I repeated it to her, just one.  Your support means so much. I feel better. 

[Lilyloo]

LiketheDucks, we are out in the country, no Uber or taxis. Wow, your mom sounds so much like mine.  Cheers to you for standing up and sticking to it.  I last drove my mom back in late summer.  I did well at tuning her out. She can't hear so I really didn't say much.  I'll get through this time.  I have a week to get strong.    I agree it's our mom's voice saying we are to sensitive. I've heard it so many times.  Thank you for your reply. It helps so much

[Lilyloo]

Andeza,  I wish we had Uber.  We live way out of the city. I should start looking for a person to drive her and pay them.  I'll  try to get through this one trip.  Thank you!!

[Andeza]

Studies show that working the soil stirs up microbes that, after just 20 minutes of exposure, lower our stress levels! Enjoy your garden, Lindaloo! 'Tis the season, least in our part of the world.

[Lilyloo]

Andeza, I can't wait to plant flowers and dig in the soil!! Hugs

[Pepin]

My husband said it is my fault with my mom. He said I bash her.  He said this today.  He comes from this family that no matter WTH anyone does we must honor them.  He has never been supportive.  He may tell me  "stay away from her", but now I see he didn't mean it. The overpowering obligation to family has him blinded.  I right away got upset, I started telling myself "it is me"  it is me!!!  I cried, I felt extreme guilt and I told her Id take her to one appointment. What is wrong with me??  So now on the 14th I'm taking her  Weeks of training myself to stand up, be strong, down the drain. Will it ever end! 

My mom has been nasty to me, that's a fact. I am not nasty to her. He seems to be saying that because I get upset and hurt, that I bash her. I guess when I cry when shes told me to shut up, and when  I vent its bashing.   He is a big problem in his not supporting me. He drove his mom 26 trips to the city for treatments 2 hours each way. . He has 2 sisters who did not drive her one time!!  This is the gotta support family thing. His oldest sister was in the hospital for awhile, he had to go every day almost because she had anxiety when having tests. He had to sit with her. He has a problem, but will never admit it! 

so see what hes done to me, laid the guilt on me.  I am not speaking to him nor won't for some time.. I lost everything I had gained big time. I felt so good having a voice if just for a bit. My courage is gone now..

Ok. Wow.  I am stunned for you with regards to your DH's response of how you have been handling your mother.    Bro needs a swift kick in the ---.  Highly invalidating of him and technically none of his business.  The way I see it is that he is probably getting ruffled because you are seeing the light and finding a way out whereas he's stuck for life because he follows what I bolded above in your post.  I've heard that garbage myself many times and I don't buy it because it is outdated and damaging. 

I 100% support you!  Set all the boundaries you need FOR YOU.  Keep everything as gray as possible with your husband about your mother.   Just don't include him or tell him anything.  Come here instead and vent/find solutions.  I gave up years ago talking to my own husband about my father because I'd get dumb comments like:

Take the high road
Be the better person
Do the right thing
Oh, but he's an old man now
Do it for the inheritance
blah, blah, blah...


You got this LindaLoo and don't EVER doubt yourself!  It's your life and people that can't walk in your stride get the buh bye.   

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Pepin,  yes he is all about the Honor!!  His own family could do anything and he'd still honor. Arrrgggg.  I do appreciate your support and kind words. I will come here for support.   I should know better than to ever confide in him. I don't seem to learn my lesson.  I will keep trying to be strong.  Thank you. Hugs