I said "hope the appointments go well"

[Lilyloo]

 After Christmas eve when my mom yelled "shut up" at me, I kept very distant. The fake apology meant nothing to me. She actually said, but you weren't listening to me!! That deserved a "shut up"   Shes sending messages totally about herself again.  Her messages are long and all about her, so typical!    I got the March report on doctor appointments. The LIST!  I will never drive her again, since  each trip in recent years have been H***.  I simply said "hope the appointments go well".

Sadly, before I said that to her,  I felt the tension rising, my neck began to hurt, my head started to ache, I was shaking. She can bring on a panic. I'm working hard on this. I really am.  Breath deep, go get some fresh cool air, drink water, watch a funny dvd, listen to Josh Grobans "The River" or "You are Loved"  The voice in my head said " noooo you are not offering to drive"  STOP STOP!!  So I said what I said to her, went outside and took that deep breath.

  She has nothing to do with me unless she needs a Taxi!  NOT ACCEPTABLE anymore!

I'm betting this sounds very familiar to most of you   

[Lilyloo]

Nothing. I'm sorry I posted. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I simply said "hope the appointments go well".
I'm betting this sounds very familiar to most of you   

It sure does sound familiar! I like your answer and that you didn't jump into to offer a ride. And you never should again after her telling you to Shut Up!  That's really a big pile of crap from her.

I've been doing a similar thing with my uNPDm and s-dad. Not as much as I should though. I need to learn more from you LindaLoo. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Nothing. I'm sorry I posted.

I see what you mean now. Took me a bit to get what you wrote (it's been a stressful day) sorry LindaLoo. It's not fun when you don't get replies. I've had that too and then I keep checking to see if anyone can relate or offer wisdom.

[Pepin]

I am sorry this happened to you and good for you for opting out of being chauffeur, excellent boundary.  I think that saying "shut up" is extremely rude and childlike.  If she says something like that again, excuse yourself, leave, hang up, etc.  Childish behavior won't be tolerated on any level. 

Also, I know how you feel about the lack of posts here....I don't really understand why?  Seems like there are a lot of members.  I've had to find support in other groups because I try feel as though I am an anomaly with the stuff I share...

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow, Pepin,  thank you dear friends. One of those really stressful days.  I'm sorry if it's been the same for you. 

[Lilyloo]

I often feel my posts are to much.  Thank you both for understanding

[SunnyMeadow]

No way, they aren't too much. ♥

We are all here to share, commiserate, ask for and offer advice. Your post really made me think how well you stated your boundary by saying that about the appointment. You didn't offer a ride, make an excuse why you couldn't or get into any back and forth about it. You stated it in a very mature way that left no doubt that you weren't offering anything more than well wishes. It's something I'm going to keep in mind to use with my needy parents.

It would be nice if more people felt comfortable enough to jump into conversations. Not sure why they don't  .  I feel we're all in this together and I would be happy to hear from many different people when I post something.

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, you are so kind.  You always make me feel like I am worthy. Thank you friend.   

[FromTheSwamp]

LindaLoo, your posts are not too much. 

One of the problems with having the parents I have, is I have to so super careful not to say the wrong thing to avoid a blowup.  Unfortunately, this can make me hesitate to reply in online forums such as this.  I will start a reply, and then think of several ways it could be taken wrong, back up and try again, and then give up. 

I am so grateful to this forum for the things I have learned here, and the support I have received, and somehow I still feel like I don't belong.  I think that's probably a common thing for people with traumatic upbringings. 

I'll try to reply more.  And if anyone feels hurt ever by something I say, please give me the benefit of the doubt and say something.

[Andeza]

Traffic on the site slows waaaaay down on Friday night/Saturday through the evening. It's nothing personal, promise, just the timing of the weekend warriors dragging their butts back inside after working on the yard all day. I think view count also counts views by non-registered visitors, but I'm not 100% sure about that.

I'm really proud you didn't address the gigantic elephant she shoved in the room by expecting you to drive her to all these appointments she was listing out for you. They're so blatantly obvious sometimes. Hints feel more like being bludgeoned when there's a pwPD involved. I think your response was pretty much perfect!

You're not too much, hon. Don't worry. This is a fairly judgement free zone here, especially because we all get it. We all know that tight feeling in the chest, the knot in the back of your throat, the burning anxiety and anger after every interaction. You have to get it all out somehow! My goodness. Holding onto that is a good way to explode eventually. Here's another  for good measure!

[Lilyloo]

FromThe Swamp, Thank you!  I am exactly the same!  I feel I don't belong either.  I know its not true, but my crazy mind says it is.  I write something, then remove it, thinking its just not right. Its not what people need to hear.It seems its only when I'm really angry or sad, or hurt that I can write a long post. A purging of sorts. Then I immediately regret it, by that time the window to delete or change it has gone. Ohhh noo I think what did I do!!

I believe this is all from my childhood.  I am super sensitive, have no self esteem,  never felt loved. I still don't to this day.  Mom still treats me as I am her mom not her daughter. I needed a mom. We all have here on this forum.  How sad for all of us

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, Thank you once again for being a great support!  I just felt I could not be in a car with my mom. I can pay someone to drive her, but my well being has to be taken care of too.  The last few days it seems much has come at me.  The world is scary and sad. I felt overwhelmed I guess. I need to join in here more too!  It is such a haven. I am grateful

[Lilyloo]

Andeza, Thank You! I just could not even think of myself driving her again. 40 years I did it, and no trip was ever peaceful,   Yes, holding on to all of it will make us explode. I am grateful for all of you.  You are my friends!  There really is no judgement here. I will do better at not being super sensitive. I hate being this way!  If I could have one wish, it would to have a different personality.  I so appreciate your help

[Andeza]

I actually don't think you're being super sensitive, hon, I think you've just been trained to expect condemnation for feeling the way you feel. When there's no response at all, the training tells you the silence itself is condemnation. Because what the heck is the silent treatment, right? It's just them shutting us out because they don't approve of something we said/did. I'd encourage you rather to be confident in your feelings. They are valid, there is reason for them, and they are good to feel, accept, and then handle however they need handling. In this case, not driving her is handling the feelings of obligation that have been shoved onto you for waaaay too stinking long.

I did this to DH for a big chunk of our marriage. I'd say something, and then if he took more than a second to start his reply, my insides would twist up as I waited, but the moment of silence was kicking my body into reactive mode. I've had to learn to sit. I hate sitting, lol. Sometimes he'll take up to 30 seconds to formulate a reply, and that's just how he is. He's not judging me with his silence, he's just taking the necessary time to think about what and how he wants to say it. Sitting with it, actively releasing those twisting up feelings, breathing... they've all been a process for me to learn and some days I'm better and some days I'm not because the baby was up half the night and sleep was elusive, lol.

You've got this!

[feralcat]

LindaLoo.
Just got back home and wanted to jump in to say I know how you were feeling about the lack of responses. I felt like that in the beginning. Especially re my first ever post, some years back. I stayed away for ages after that. I think that for those of us with CPTSD , and hence probably fairly acute abandonment issues, it can feel like we're not being validated. Or that we're not expressing ourselves 'in the right way'/ too OTT. Edit - it's not being 'too sensitive', it's just that when we get here, we may be feeling raw, and looking for the support we're not getting generally.
It's just the luck of the draw who's online at a given time.Ps I think is actually amazing how many responses frequent contributors provide. Thank you xx

It's all part of our recovery. It's a process. We develope, we grow.

Now I've come to realise that I can choose  NOT to take it that way.
So I now butt in and say my piece/empathise, without expecting anything.If I get a response, great. If I don't, well what the hell. Better out than in , eh ?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hear you too about needing validation urgently at times. For myself, sometimes I sit with a post for a while before replying. I like to give thoughtful responses as the post truly deserves, and of course everything we offer to each other here is above and beyond the call of duty in our offline lives. I suppose I would rather offer a slow response versus a sincere but perfunctory, "Good for you!" It could be more helpful to do the quick affirmation and return later with more as I am able, it's true. But then I worry even my reply seems dismissive... ah the gifts of hypervigilance. 

But really, good for you! I too have been cast in the position of concierge. It was majorly uncomfortable to refuse to follow the script. For me it was my sister who only contacted me when she needed something. When I "changed the steps to the dance" and stopped bending over backwards every time she snapped her fingers, she quickly dropped the relationship all together.

When you treat people poorly, eventually they get tired of it and step away! Imagine that! Your response is healthy and normal and yet still kind and very classy. Well done indeed.

[Lilyloo]

My husband said it is my fault with my mom. He said I bash her.  He said this today.  He comes from this family that no matter WTH anyone does we must honor them.  He has never been supportive.  He may tell me  "stay away from her", but now I see he didn't mean it. The overpowering obligation to family has him blinded.  I right away got upset, I started telling myself "it is me"  it is me!!!  I cried, I felt extreme guilt and I told her Id take her to one appointment. What is wrong with me??  So now on the 14th I'm taking her  Weeks of training myself to stand up, be strong, down the drain. Will it ever end! 

My mom has been nasty to me, that's a fact. I am not nasty to her. He seems to be saying that because I get upset and hurt, that I bash her. I guess when I cry when shes told me to shut up, and when  I vent its bashing.   He is a big problem in his not supporting me. He drove his mom 26 trips to the city for treatments 2 hours each way. . He has 2 sisters who did not drive her one time!!  This is the gotta support family thing. His oldest sister was in the hospital for awhile, he had to go every day almost because she had anxiety when having tests. He had to sit with her. He has a problem, but will never admit it! 

so see what hes done to me, laid the guilt on me.  I am not speaking to him nor won't for some time.. I lost everything I had gained big time. I felt so good having a voice if just for a bit. My courage is gone now..

[Lilyloo]

Andeza, Call me Cordelia, and feralcat, THANK YOU!!  I thought I was being really nasty to fret about replies. It is validating to see you feel the same. Your words and advice are so important to me. You are my friends. You understand. I cant even say how much it means to me. Not enough thank you's will do

[Liketheducks]

LindaLoo.   Your post aren't too much.   They're enormously familiar.    I remember feeling a bit like the same when I first started here.   It was my mother's voice in my head...."I'm too sensitive".    And, my husband did not get it at all at first.....until he experienced it first hand and looked to me to fix it.   He thought my family was more emotionally connected than his.   Honestly, we both mistook connection for manipulation.   
And, my mom pulled the same baloney with needing a ride for doctor's appointments.   After weeks of aggressive texts.....she roped my SIL into pressuring me into a same day doctors appointment and she needed a 90 min ride from her home to doc and back.   It was a ploy to get me alone in a car for a long time.   DH offered, but ended up needing to work.   I had to work. SIL is a nurse and said that Mom was critical and couldn't drive herself.   I suggested that if she was that ill perhaps we needed an ambulance.    Mind you, mom can actually drive.   I let my SIL know that I had obligations that I just couldn't shift that day.   I organized an uber to help.   Got an earful from SIL that I would need to let the uber driver know that he would need to help mom into and out of the doctor's office.   It was just a load of BS.   Mom is relatively healthy, lives in a home with stairs, has no mobility issues.   It was all a manipulation.    Worse, Mom didn't have the courtesy to call and ask me herself....she made the SIL do it.   Uber handled it well.