NC Narc mom now has my address and sends stuff

[JollyJazz]

Hi Kristin,

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Just know that you are not alone, many of us on these boards also have to deal with stalky behavior, including me, I also know what that horrible not feeling safe, feeling is like. Hugs. It's definitely not normal behavior at all!!

There are a lot of great bots of advice here, I like moglows as well "mark it "unknown/not at this address" and return to sender." - you could get someone with unfamiliar hand writing to write that out...

Best wishes...

[Kristin_Claire]

Thank you all so much for your comments. It is really helping me!

My policy with "return to sender" has been to maintain my black hole.  If she sends something to an address I am not at and they return it fine, but I refuse to contact her in any way.  I have considered it though.  My concern is writing "Not at this address" wouldn't be true, and could mess up future mail.  "Return to Sender" is me breaking the no contact.  I think if I were to do that the chances are slim she would stop.  Also it is more effort than I am willing because I am not going to go to the post office every time she sends something.  I'll consider it though.

I have received two more.  Starting to lose count.  So it was the first two gift boxes, then two from food companies.  Next was a box of grocery store cookies that I have never had but she probably likes.  This was in a regular mailer.  Then today we have received another food company box.  I was able to trace the first two to her, so I for sure know.  This one my last name was misspelled, and I get the impression it was from her.  I also have received two other food items but based on who they were mailed to/messages I didn't think they were from her...but I suppose they could have been.  Ugg.  So we are up to 6 confirmed from her, possibly 8.

DH and I riffled through the gift boxes.  It helps to have a good laugh over the crazy.  She took grocery store cookies, dumped them in a tin and put them in the box.  She used to brag about how she poisoned kids on purpose when she was a kid. Those went directly to the trash!!  Also I now need to have a plan to process all this junk.  Remember, this is how much she feels entitled to send when not being in my life!  It is too much, even if she were.  She is the type of person to buy you 50 one dollar things vs one 50 dollar thing. 

I am planning the food (only sealed in packages and from outside companies) to be donated or DH can give it to his coworkers.  If not, then trash.  Random gifts will either be the donations truck that comes through our neighborhood, or possibly individual charities.  Looking into that now.  I might give some of the toys to a domestic violence shelter- at my connivence.  The cash is going to our church.  Really I don't want to throw everything away but I'm cool setting it on the curb.  It would fill my trash and not leave enough room for me anyway.  I want to get rid of it the quickest way I can with the least amount of effort.  In the past I considered taking stuff back to the store and getting money.  I had been thinking that because all the giving trees in my area have individual lists, there were no just bring an unwrapped toy.  But, if I returned everything she sent I would not be able to make any returns myself- I'd probably be flagged for fraud.  Also that's what I did when she overbought and was in my life, and I don't want to do that anymore.  I considered posting free on fb, but didn't want to deal with alllll the messages- is this here, hold this for me, etc.  Any suggestions welcomed!  A easy and fast way to get it to someone else and off my property. 

I have a lot of mixed feelings.  Whenever I see a package has arrived from her I feel angry.  There is no way to be free from her and that makes me sad.  She will never respect boundaries, and it's so infuriating I can't put it into words.  It's as if her coffee pot walked away and starting making demands of her, not a person that was her daughter.   When I first went no contact, I was really really upset when she sent anything.  Because I was still processing all the abuse and it was all very new.  When she sent something back then it felt like she may as well would be standing on my doorstep and I felt terrified.  She didn't send food back then so I would just pile it in a corner of my garage, and once a year took it to a Christmas charity.  I got used to that, and then when we moved I had blissful years away!  Although I do have a phone blocker ap and she calls 2-10x a month for the past 8 years, I'd guess.  I usually don't see the calls though.  I do wonder does she think I will contact her to say thanks?  Does she not know me well enough to know I'm throwing it all away?!  I am her sole heir...she has desperately been trying to get my kids legal info to disinherit me, hahaha.  I walked away from my "inheritance", so why would I want her grocery store cookies?!  But it's not about what I want, it's always been about what she wants to give.  And she still thinks I am the same person that was abused by her and probably wouldn't dream that I would get rid of it all, including the cash.  I feel really, really good getting rid of it all.  I considered keeping some things and decided not to...and the thought of getting rid of it makes me almost happy enough to offset the anger of receiving it in the first place.  I need to remember to hold on to that.

But once I deal with the package and decide where it's going (donate, DH work, trash) I move past it pretty quickly.  I don't dwell on it (for the most part) and even forget about it in a few days...which is probably why I am bombarded with packages.   I am feeling good that even though this is upsetting, I feel much more solid than I used to 8 years ago when this happened.  This only ruined one day, not my week, holiday or year.  I am a little worried that this is going to turn into a package a week or some amount that I cannot handle.  I do not want her entering my mind that frequently.  As it is, she will probably send something for every single holiday and I will have to reframe it as "our donations came" and put it the donate pile.

Thanks for reading.

[Kristin_Claire]

Hi Kristin_Claire,

This happened to me too. When I went NC I moved, changed my phone number, and left no forwarding address. I was okay for a while but they did eventually find me. These days it's pretty easy to locate someone online, especially if you've purchased a home.

When my parents found me they started sending cards, which I ignored. Then one day I was unloading groceries and had the garage door up. When I went back out to my car there was a box sitting on the hood, Christmas gifts from my parents. My father must have driven out to the house, entered the open garage, and taken off before I saw him. I felt so violated. After that, I installed some Ring cameras, but he never attempted to come back. The hoovering cards did continue until both of my parents died. I had thought about returning everything as undeliverable but figured that would give my Nmother more narc supply, so I tossed the cards and donated any unwanted gifts. Since I had never given them my address they really had no proof that I was living there, so I felt it was best to leave them wondering if I had received the junk or not.

I really understand how traumatizing this is. You've been stalked and even if she never comes to your house, it does leave you feeling vulnerable and unsafe. If your mother does show up at your door, I do believe the police will help you. It's trespassing and it's harassment. In the meantime, you may feel safer by installing a doorbell camera or other basic security devices.

So sorry you're having to go through this. You are not alone. Sending hugs...

Yes it sounds like you know exactly what this is like!  I agree that return to sender would feed her narc supply. 

[Kristin_Claire]

I just got a chance to lookup numbers from the other food packages...turns out the two food gifts we thought were from other family were from her as well.  The first food gift we received we started eating it, then packages that were clearly from her arrived.  I couldn't eat anymore of it and felt bad if someone we love and is in our lives sent it.  Turns out it was her, I guess my instincts were correct.  It threw us off that the message was a variation of enjoying xmas in our new home, which is not something she would say and another family member recently did say to me...so I thought it was her.  She's not related to the other family member.  The other package we have been consuming   The way it was addressed we thought it was someone that knew my kids.  I took pictures and notes for next time.  Now I know how to reverse lookup who sent this stuff.  I don't want to disclose exactly what it all is, but it is too much for us to eat, there are duplicate hunks of meat, etc.  She is ordering from the same company but at different times so they are not all on the same order, and addressing it differently each time.  She spelled my married last name wrong on purpose and she spelled my first name wrong once!  Sometimes she just uses my nick name. 

I know I will adapt to the package barrage but I feel like I am looking over my shoulder and checking my doors are locked.  We are too far of a drive for her and the weather is not agreeable most of the year (in her mind). 

So the total is- 2 gift boxes, 5 confirmed food boxes and 1 that is most likely her.  Sing it to partridge and a pair tree, that's what I do.

[Andeza]

For getting rid of stuff, there's always Craigslist curb alert and don't list your number or anything and say you'll take the post down when everything is gone please don't message you. There's also goodwill and salvation army. If you donate a bunch of stuff you might even get a tax write-off but I'm not sure how that works these days.

Donating is a nice thing to do, but that still involves you processing the contents emotionally. I'd like you to contemplate the possibility of just trashing them and not wasting your precious time, energy, and emotional energy on her... *ahem* stubbornness. If a lot of the things she's sending are cheap trashy stuff, I wouldn't bat an eye at chucking it. I mean, at a certain point, you're putting more effort into this than she did and she's still, from a distance, controlling your time and thoughts.

[Kristin_Claire]

For getting rid of stuff, there's always Craigslist curb alert and don't list your number or anything and say you'll take the post down when everything is gone please don't message you. There's also goodwill and salvation army. If you donate a bunch of stuff you might even get a tax write-off but I'm not sure how that works these days.

Donating is a nice thing to do, but that still involves you processing the contents emotionally. I'd like you to contemplate the possibility of just trashing them and not wasting your precious time, energy, and emotional energy on her... *ahem* stubbornness. If a lot of the things she's sending are cheap trashy stuff, I wouldn't bat an eye at chucking it. I mean, at a certain point, you're putting more effort into this than she did and she's still, from a distance, controlling your time and thoughts.

I think you are exactly right- processing it IS taking too much from me.  It would no matter what this time, because she has discovered my address and it's bringing up a lot.  I do not intend to put as much thought/effort into it moving forward.  Like what I did in the past I just had a bin in the garage and took to donate once a year.  But it is a concern for me if she sends a ton of stuff just all the time, and she might.  I do not want to be processing a package from her every week and probably would just throw it in the trash if it came to that.  The amount she's sent this time won't fit in our trash so it makes sense for others to take it away as donations, but I will consider it for smaller things moving forward.  I did throw out one of the food items.  But it is a thought I could explore- why is it on ME to not waste the junk she sends.  Some of it is indeed junk, and some of it is not.  There is cash inside as well.  Thanks for the idea of curb alert, I will consider that!

[Cat of the Canals]

It threw us off that the message was a variation of enjoying xmas in our new home, which is not something she would say and another family member recently did say to me...so I thought it was her. 

I imagine it's an almost sarcastic "Enjoy Xmas in your new home"... like she's smirking as she says it because she's found you.

Either way, this is very bizarre behavior. I'm trying to imagine how/why she'd misspell your name, and then I remembered that PDmil received a Christmas card from a distant cousin she hasn't seen in years. Cousin had misspelled her last name (she spelled it phonetically, which a lot of people make the mistake of doing). My MIL has also been married three times, so it's maybe a touch difficult to keep track of the spelling of all her names. But PDmil was absolutely convinced that the misspelling was an intentional insult.  PDs often assume other people think the way they do and behave the way they would... so if your mother is anything like my PDmil, name misspellings are akin to calling you a really nasty name. 

[mary_poppins]

I'm sorry.
Do you have a relative or sibling who is a computer whizz or really good at finding info about people online? You can actually find where someone lives by identifying the IP address that they use to post on a blog, for example. That's how I found out the identity of one of the people who left a comment on my blog (it was anonymous)-it was from my own city and then it clicked, of course, it was my sibling. Unfortunately, there are more ways to find out about our location with the help of the internet. You also need to make your home address anonymous.

Sister Renee Pitelli who wrote a book about no contact says you need to create a PO box address when you go NC and move to a different city and only use this address for your official documents and subscriptions. And definitely change your number and make it private.

It is hard, and I understand you but I don't think she can do something threatening to you. If it happens, you can go to the police but I'm sure it is your mother's way to still manipulate you with packages/gifts even after NC. Abusers never want to accept defeat and if they admitted that you cut them out, they'll need to accept the fact that they're abusive. That they've done something so wrong to you that warranted NC.

They can't and won't ever accept that so they'll continue to live in denial and lies just to protect their fragile ego and say to their loved ones you're just going through a phase and the situation will probably be solved soon.

Sending you peaceful thoughts.

[smarty]

Very similar happened to me recently as well...she 'found me' and sent valentines card. It's jarring and a violation...she also found out other events that have happened in my life/marriage which I didn't share since we've been NC for a couple years now already.
I think you're doing the right thing though Kristen...it's empowering and very practical and also good deed to give away what you can to charity or friends/coworkers...turning something negative into a positive can help you heal further. I agree no need for any effort to return to sender or anything, I enjoy ripping up the letter and recycling it immediately, even touching something I know she touched/wrote on gives me icky feelings(I know you understand!)...
When I feel the ick/violation/anger feeling I try to calm down stop and look back at how far I've come...how being able to just tear up a letter here and there(or in your case throw away/donate objects, which I realize is much harder and requires more effort/time!) is all she is now in my life, I couldn't have imagined it years ago but it's true and feels great to have almost no contact and be able to control my life...unfortunately we have to accept sometime bad people/events will touch our lives though in general even if we'd rather they didn't so maybe trying best we can but surrendering a bit to this fact is necessary...shitty people exist and are living among us of course if it were to cross the line into showing up or trespassing then like you I think I would take necessary steps and absolutely not accept it. Like you im lucky I live a loooong plane ride away though so it's doubtful but you never know with these people... Like others have said though I think it's mostly about appearances with them deep down...not because they have true affection for us or remorse...so it's about how THEY feel buying and sending these objects, as well as I get requests for any photos or info on my children, it's because it's embarrassing for them to 'not keep up' with appearances and know how their children or grandchildren are doing, if someone asks to see how children have grown etc they have nothing...it's sad and it hits you hard because you realize that's all you're worth, just a photo and info so they can brag and appear as a 'normal' parent, they don't want a true connection with respect. The valentine hits me hard because when she abandoned us as children we sent her valentine cards...everytime she does this or even when I think about valentines and cards I think of the sad valentines cards we wrote to her when she was gone..I think how if I'd received a valentine like that from my 5 year old I'd come rushing back but she didn't do that...and now as an old woman she's sending ME a valentine, which will also go unanswered as mine did so many years ago...life is cruel sometimes I guess.

[makingachange]

I am so sorry that you feel unsafe....I definitely in my own experience have felt this way, especially when my parents were going through a rage, and I decided to go NC. 

I love to be outside, so, last Spring/Summer when all of this had blown up...I was terrified to be outside, afraid that they would just show up.  Any car door I heard I was scared it was them...it thankfully has subsided.

But, what really helped me was getting a doorbell with a camera on it...this made me feel safer, and I knew if they did come, they would be more hesitant coming to my door because of the camera.

If you are able to do this, maybe consider it...it has again really helped to give me comfort....before I got this, I was dead set on moving far away...but, I feel I'm in a much better place with this doorbell. 

I really hope you feel more at peace...I know how bad it feels to be violated by them over and over...never hearing what you say, or caring to follow the boundaries you have put into place. 

I'm in the same kind of situation as well, where my parents disregard anything I say, and pretend to never hear me...even though I've been no contact for 9 months they seem to never quit.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I really hope things improve and you find the peace/safety/and happiness you deserve to have!

[Leonor]

Hello Kristin!

You know it's so odd how special and unique narcissists think they are when in reality they all operate from the same playbook.

In that sense, knowledge is power. "Mom is not especially wicked or evil, she's just this old lady with mental issues and she's a pain in my behind but I know to expect this behavior from people with her condition."

You can treat her packages like junk mail or free samples of crap you didn't order and don't want. After all, it's a pain to find every sender and block this one or that one, and it's easy to get sucked into some kind of one-upmanship: "Well, you send this and I send it back," blah blah blah. Any response from you, for a narcissist, is a response. And that can be enough supply to keep her going: "I sent Kristin this and look how she's repaid me! She wrote on it and sent it back!"

Long story short, there is nothing you can do to make her stop doing what it is she will do. That's true of anyone, I guess, but especially with personality disordered people because they are disordered. They operate according to what happens to them in their disordered brain, not in the 3D reality the rest of us live in. She's not going to get it.

So turn to you. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle this, with no expectations of your decision having any influence on her? Instead, think of how your decision will influence you. Will it make you feel safer? Will it make you feel more at peace? The answer that brings you the greatest relief is the right one. And you get to try out as many responses as you like to find the one that suits you best.

I like to share my story of the ridiculously expensive fruit basket my narc mom sent us one holiday after I told her I had been abused by her ex husband. Like, um, thanks for the fruit basket. We donated it to a soup kitchen that same day and it still gives me the warm and fuzzies to think of how the volunteers' faces lit up to see exquisite out of season strawberries and fine French champagne just magically appear in the back kitchen.
It was like what my mom intended to be a big narc power play and I intended to be a way of getting the evil juju off my porch was revealed to actually be the universe's way of serving those who gave up their holiday to serve others. Instead of feeling freaked out or angry, I wound up feeling humbled and honored to be a part of that divine plan. That, for me, is the meaning of grace.

Do what brings you peace, and the peace will fill you up.