NC Narc mom now has my address and sends stuff

[Kristin_Claire]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking and this is my first post.  I really need to be around people that understand.   I don't know all the abbreviations yet.

I went NC with my narc mother (undiagnosed, it's possible she has a different PD) about 8 years ago.  Since then I have moved multiple times and even moved out of state.  I have taken great lengths for her to not know where I was, I can post more on that later it's a long story.  But 4.5 years later and this morning I received a package at my current home from her.  She knows where I live.  I am devastated.  I know it's not likely she would show up at my door, but I am running through my head if the police would really help me or side eye a call.  I don't feel as safe as I did.  Also I hate receiving this stuff from her.  She tends to send A LOT and it enrages me that this is what she feels entitled to do when she is not even in my life.  I could tell the package was from her from across the room as its tape was falling off and it had a hole in the box.  I have been in a funk all morning.  I feel like I can never really be free from her sometimes.  I have had ZERO contact in the last 8 years.  She has called a few times and left voice mails, sent some papers to a relative that forwarded them to me, and I'm pretty sure she uses number spoofing to call me weekly.  Thankfully my phone app hangs up on those numbers but sometimes I still see it ring.  Lately I've also just felt so alone like no one understands.  The friends I confide in either defend her or ignore me.  I want to say I know I may not have suffered horrific abuse but it was enough for me to be done.  But it makes me second guess myself so much.  Especially not having contact with her for so long, I forget how bad it was and how far I've came.

[SunnyMeadow]

Sadly, we understand 

She took your security away by sending the package and invading your space. It's meant to make you feel off. My uNPDmother (undiagnosed - Narcissistic Personality Disorder) does these things too. She takes great pride in looking up where people go on vacation, where they work, if they got divorced. I have a sibling who has been NC for years, and mother mails book length letters detailing how awful my sibling is and every terrible thing done to her. She uses every available website to look up any info on this sibling. From my mother, I know websites that will show your court cases, speeding tickets, marriages, divorce and home purchases. It's almost impossible to hide anymore unless you rent and don't use social media, I guess.

I'm sorry you go through this too. It's an awful feeling to know she has your current address. 

[Andeza]

  We get it. We really do.

It's up to you what you want to do about that package, but I want you to feel safe in your home. Give a thought to installing a doorbell camera, or just a peephole if you don't have one. They make really awesome wideview ones these days that are easy to install with a drill and some patience. It's your home! And she cannot show up and barge in! Period. If she shows up, you simply call the police and say your mother is trespassing and needs to be removed. They are not judge and jury and all they care about are the words "trespassing." It may take a long time for them to get there in a non-emergency, but they'll get there. Mind you if she were to show up and try to break in, that becomes an emergency. Breaking and entering is breaking and entering regardless of blood ties.

Quite affordable and easy to install these days are window and door screamers. They emit a frequency or something and so long as they are aligned, while the window or door is shut, they're quiet. Move the window or door and break that line between the two pieces and they'll start wailing! Some of them just stick on with double stick tape and take the flat watch batteries. No muss no fuss. Security measures have come a long way and become very affordable and accessible. You don't have to feel afraid.

Sometimes when you pull up a weed, some of the roots will remain in the ground and send up shoots from time to time. When that happens, you just pull them up too. That's essentially what's going on here. You've weeded her out of your life, but these pesky remnants keep cropping up needing to be taken care of. It's annoying, for sure, but I'd encourage you to reframe your thinking around it. Instead of feeling down that she's found you, because this isn't your fault, shake your head at how ridiculously determined she is to maintain her version of reality. She's holding onto, not just you, but the narrative that she's a "good mother." Because if your kid hasn't talked to you in 8 years, a normal person might start to think they did something wrong somewhere along the way, and that looks bad to people on the outside. The image is what's driving her. She wants to be able to say, "Oh! Yes I just sent a package of Christmas goodies to Kristin the other day. Did you know she's living in XCity now? .... Oh yes, she's doing quite fine!" This is the game they play, but we don't have to play along.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so sorry your sense of safety and privacy have been invaded like this.

If she shows up, you simply call the police and say your mother is trespassing and needs to be removed. They are not judge and jury and all they care about are the words "trespassing."

Totally agree with this. I don't think you even need to mention that it's your mother. That's not really relevant. "There is someone trespassing on my property who refuses to leave." I'd even be tempted to throw in that this person has exhibited stalking behavior in the past. Not sure what else I'd call it when someone sneakily obtains your address and sends you unwanted gifts.

[kelleron]

This sounds horrible and I absolutely would have “been in a funk all morning” - at the very least - if it happened to me. Your feelings are 100% appropriate given the situation.

@Andeza gave really great practical and psychological advice. Once you have a plan and implemented practical measures to ensure your safety, you’ll almost certainly feel much better.

Now you say you haven’t been through “horrific” abuse, but I would argue if you felt the need to move around and make sure your uNPDMom couldn't find you, it was significant. And what she did wasn’t ok. My hunch is these ‘gifts’ are deliberately confusing. They are meant to look nice but are actually threatening. Much like how PD parents (parents with personality disorders) use guilt as a weapon, the ‘gift’ makes it seem they are good and it is your feelings that are inappropriate. That is wrong.

What she did was wrong because:
1) She crossed a boundary you set - no contact. You are an adult and you have the right to boundaries, but she didn’t care. That is disrespectful.
2) She has not done anything to warrant forgiveness, but will likely use this gift as a reason to justify her abuse of you. That she was ‘just being nice’. No. A gift does not make up for years of emotional abuse.
3) Most importantly, she made you feel bad. Whether consciously or not, she expects you to feel bad, but not say you feel bad. It is a form of control that she, sadly, wants to exert on you. And no matter how she couches it, she is still trying to manipulate you. That is wrong, no matter what anyone tells you. It is wrong.

The responsibility of abusive actions fall upon the abuser, not the victim. If she wants to make amends she must do it on your terms, not like this. So I don’t think she actually wants to make amends, sadly.

Others who have not gone through what we have might not understand, and that is infuriating, I know. The sad truth is that it is much easier to blame the child than the abuser, so many people do that. It falls to us survivors to stand up for ourselves, set boundaries and express to others what is and isn’t acceptable to us. Sometimes a text message may be better than speaking, since it give the other party time to process your words.

You have done so much to better your situation. You have every right to protect yourself, heal, and move in whatever direction you want in life. I believe your heart has been through a lot and it has become strong, but it’s alright that this rattled you. It was designed to be unsettling.

I wish it wasn’t like this, and I just want you to know you’re not alone! We understand too.

[GentleSoul]

Sorry you have in your life, I shuddered as I read your post.

I have no answers but wanted to say that I relate and understand. 

[happygoat]

So sorry for your fear. When anyone I have gone NC with sends me something through the mail I send it back return to sender. I have blocked everyone on my phone and do not respond to any attempts to contact me.  Been reading about the difference in my motives from the drop down menus. When I respond to their abuse I am engaged in the dysfunction, even though it is just defensive and anyone would feel defensive from having healthy boundaries violated by people you do not trust and want to be in a relationship with. Moving on through my disenfranchised grief with my spiritual values is my path.

Grace and Peace to you!

Your peace and safety are yours!

[moglow]

Maybe mark it "unknown/not at this address" and return to sender. Either that or all unknown packages get pitched straight into the nearest dumpster.

It's kind of like a dog peeing on territory, letting you know she supposedly knows where you are. Please just continue on and do what's best for you, don't let this send you spinning.

[JustKathy]

Hi Kristin_Claire,

This happened to me too. When I went NC I moved, changed my phone number, and left no forwarding address. I was okay for a while but they did eventually find me. These days it's pretty easy to locate someone online, especially if you've purchased a home.

When my parents found me they started sending cards, which I ignored. Then one day I was unloading groceries and had the garage door up. When I went back out to my car there was a box sitting on the hood, Christmas gifts from my parents. My father must have driven out to the house, entered the open garage, and taken off before I saw him. I felt so violated. After that, I installed some Ring cameras, but he never attempted to come back. The hoovering cards did continue until both of my parents died. I had thought about returning everything as undeliverable but figured that would give my Nmother more narc supply, so I tossed the cards and donated any unwanted gifts. Since I had never given them my address they really had no proof that I was living there, so I felt it was best to leave them wondering if I had received the junk or not.

I really understand how traumatizing this is. You've been stalked and even if she never comes to your house, it does leave you feeling vulnerable and unsafe. If your mother does show up at your door, I do believe the police will help you. It's trespassing and it's harassment. In the meantime, you may feel safer by installing a doorbell camera or other basic security devices.

So sorry you're having to go through this. You are not alone. Sending hugs...

[JustKathy]

It's kind of like a dog peeing on territory, letting you know she supposedly knows where you are.

Oh, Moglow. Yes! Nailed it!

[happygoat]

Thank you Moglow!  When my family mails me something I have just send it back to the Post Office.  I now realize I don't need to go to that trouble. I can just take it straight to the dumpster.  If I am concerned whether or not they will know I sent it back, I feel like I am playing the game.  Where the letter winds up doesn't matter. What makes the difference in my well being is that I was not exposed to the toxic passive aggressive crap that hurts me. I just refuse contact. I just care for myself and protect my boundaries.  The letters they send and things they say are just hateful games that I do not want to play.

Thanks for helping simplify!

[Boat Babe]

So sorry for your fear. When anyone I have gone NC with sends me something through the mail I send it back return to sender. I have blocked everyone on my phone and do not respond to any attempts to contact me.  Been reading about the difference in my motives from the drop down menus. When I respond to their abuse I am engaged in the dysfunction, even though it is just defensive and anyone would feel defensive from having healthy boundaries violated by people you do not trust and want to be in a relationship with. Moving on through my disenfranchised grief with my spiritual values is my path.

Grace and Peace to you!

Your peace and safety are yours!

Hey Happy Goat (great name) I am curious when you say disenfranchised grief. Can you explain further? Thank you.

[Boat Babe]

You've got some solid advice and insight here Kristin. This forum is so, so good for that. Even better is the mutual understanding, validation and support that we find here.

I hope you can ride this PD wave and get back to calm waters really quickly.

[Kristin_Claire]

Wow thanks for all the thoughtful replies!  The last time I had this much support was when my good therapist moved 4 years ago.  I want to reply to some of your comments when I can but for now please know this has helped me so much.

I wanted to provide a little history on my moving, it just feels good to tell someone.  I spent a lot of time trying to make it hard to find me, but deep down I think I knew it wouldn't work but I at least had to try.  We didn't move because of her, but it was a big perk.  All but one of the moves was planned, the one that wasn't was a quick move in order to stay with our school district.  But overall this was a multi-year multi-move plan to just sell our home and get established out of state.

The first move I set up my forwarding address with a po box.  I then changed everything individually I wanted to go to my new apartment address (address 2).  Thinking that anything she would send me would end up at the po box.  That po box was just for her and junk mail.   And since I didn't give the po box out to anyone, I would simply cancel it when I moved again and not forward it, so she wouldn't have that info.  I felt a bit bad at the idea that I was going to leave my post office holding the bag of all her undeliverable packages when I moved out of state, until the next stuff happened.   I failed to realize that A.  She only sends packages, not letters and B. My post office did not recognize my po box as change of address for packages.  So they continued to leave the packages at my old address and NEVER would leave them at the post office for me to pickup with my po address!  I even went into the post office and they said they couldn't fix it.   The person that moved into my old address worked with my husband and would contact him EVERY TIME to come get the dang stuff, until we finally moved out of state and told him to do what he wanted with it.  My DH didn't really want to tell him sooner so he would just lug it all home.  During this time he was in charge of opening packages and seeing if there was anything "important".  He lost the privilege when I caught him eating candy that he never ever buys...but my narc sure does.  I just didn't want it in my home.

When we moved out of state (address 3) I forwarded everything to another po box.  I used these stupid po boxes for years.  This time she did not realize I had moved out of state until 1.5 years from the first move, she never even knew my second address!  That whole time she just continued sending packages to my first address until I guess they got return to sender.  At this time she was using her friend's return address, but it was obvious it was from her.  The new stuff she is just using her addy.  I wonder if she had asked the friend (probably not) and if her friend got them returned in the mail- ha!  Anyway, I got a mean voice mail when she realized I moved and I have it saved on my phone.  In case I ever did have the urge to reach out to her I am listening to that first.
 
I didn't receive anything from her for two years after that.  She then basically wrote a large 50+ page report on my family ancestors and mailed that to a relative, who sat on it for a few months before asking if she should send it to me.  I told her she could.  I glanced at it and shoved it in the closet.  There are some mixed feelings where I don't want to destroy it, but I don't want to look at it either.  I'm baffled that she thinks she could get back into my life with a book report.  Then a year after that I received packages at my address from when we first moved out of state (address 3).  The office called me and I went and got them- I told them if they get any more to do whatever they wanted with them.  So now she knows my current town.  That was in September.  Oddly we already had bought our home (address 5) and she was sending me packages to not the address we moved from (address 4) but the one before. I knew when we bought the home if we didn't set up a trust to hide our names, she would find the home.  But I guess I felt safe since I had not received anything in the new state yet and I started to forget how horrible she could be.

And now, here at my current address 5, I have now received a total of 4 packages from her THIS WEEK.  Two were food companies, I had DH take one to work with him and I threw away the other (I wanted to donate it, but it didn't work out).  The other two were gifts.  I glanced at one- it had two backpacks (for my kids) filled with small toys. There was other stuff I don't recall.  The second package arrived today.  More small toys for the kids.   There was a note instructing them how to divide the toys and from "Grandma".   A bag for my DH had ear buds, clothes of some kind and a video game I've never heard of, among other things.  I counted at least two copies of that same video game in the box. My bag had homemade placemats I'm sure she thought I'd like (I don't) and something sharp.  I guess...it is some sort of kitchen dicer but not in a box and with the blades exposed.  Yeah.  There was a Halloween card addressed to myself and DH and I think I have mentally blocked out what it said because I can not remember.  There was a mushy card "To my Daughter" and $50 cash.  I do not know what it is but whenever she sends money (the package from a few months ago also had cash) I can tell it came from her purse.  Like if I saw it on the street I would just know it had been hers.  I'm getting the vibe that she is sending everything she can for every holiday possible...I'm hoping that xmas is over in her mind.  Some of these packages are just huge- I would not have been able to fit them all in a 4 door car.  The more recent ones I could lift.  At the apartment they thought it was so strange that I didn't want packages from someone so "generous".  It says on the outside how much she paid for shipping, and somehow one always arrives with a hole punched in the side.  No one outside this board would believe this is not a generous person.

It is creeping me out all 4 have arrived after 9pm and before 7am.  It must be the holiday delivery.  I checked and they showed up in my mail emails as they were mailed and not just dropped off.

Currently, they are in my shed.  I still have junk from the September packages in there.

If you got this far give yourself a pat on the back!  I say a lot when I get going...

[Kristin_Claire]

It's up to you what you want to do about that package, but I want you to feel safe in your home. Give a thought to installing a doorbell camera, or just a peephole if you don't have one. They make really awesome wideview ones these days that are easy to install with a drill and some patience. It's your home! And she cannot show up and barge in! Period. If she shows up, you simply call the police and say your mother is trespassing and needs to be removed. They are not judge and jury and all they care about are the words "trespassing." It may take a long time for them to get there in a non-emergency, but they'll get there. Mind you if she were to show up and try to break in, that becomes an emergency. Breaking and entering is breaking and entering regardless of blood ties.

I think I will get a doorbell camera.  Also, if I ever know she is on her way to my home, I may go to the police first to discuss.  It's so hard because so much in recent years I felt I haven't been taken seriously.  I also have a neighbor with a breed of dog she is deathly afraid of.  I could text them to walk over with the dog and ask her to leave.  I now have a dog myself that will bark if someone is on the property, he's 50lbs and still growing.

Sometimes when you pull up a weed, some of the roots will remain in the ground and send up shoots from time to time. When that happens, you just pull them up too. That's essentially what's going on here. You've weeded her out of your life, but these pesky remnants keep cropping up needing to be taken care of. It's annoying, for sure, but I'd encourage you to reframe your thinking around it. Instead of feeling down that she's found you, because this isn't your fault, shake your head at how ridiculously determined she is to maintain her version of reality. She's holding onto, not just you, but the narrative that she's a "good mother." Because if your kid hasn't talked to you in 8 years, a normal person might start to think they did something wrong somewhere along the way, and that looks bad to people on the outside. The image is what's driving her. She wants to be able to say, "Oh! Yes I just sent a package of Christmas goodies to Kristin the other day. Did you know she's living in XCity now? .... Oh yes, she's doing quite fine!" This is the game they play, but we don't have to play along.

You are exactly right regarding her motives!  And, she may even believe this narrative she creates as well.  I can feel how happy she is that she is shopping, sending packages and telling people about it.  To her being a grandma is really about buying junk, and outdoing everyone else at it.  So it does bother me a little that she still is giving that to herself.  But I feel better when I remember my kids don't ever see what she sends.

[Kristin_Claire]

Now you say you haven't been through "horrific" abuse, but I would argue if you felt the need to move around and make sure your uNPDMom couldn't find you, it was significant. And what she did wasn't ok. My hunch is these 'gifts' are deliberately confusing. They are meant to look nice but are actually threatening. Much like how PD parents (parents with personality disorders) use guilt as a weapon, the 'gift' makes it seem they are good and it is your feelings that are inappropriate. That is wrong.

What she did was wrong because:
1) She crossed a boundary you set - no contact. You are an adult and you have the right to boundaries, but she didn't care. That is disrespectful.
2) She has not done anything to warrant forgiveness, but will likely use this gift as a reason to justify her abuse of you. That she was 'just being nice'. No. A gift does not make up for years of emotional abuse.
3) Most importantly, she made you feel bad. Whether consciously or not, she expects you to feel bad, but not say you feel bad. It is a form of control that she, sadly, wants to exert on you. And no matter how she couches it, she is still trying to manipulate you. That is wrong, no matter what anyone tells you. It is wrong.

The responsibility of abusive actions fall upon the abuser, not the victim. If she wants to make amends she must do it on your terms, not like this. So I don't think she actually wants to make amends, sadly.

I think partially I have forgot how bad it was, so I minimize it a bit.  8 years is a long time to be mostly away from her.  And then I had a new friend that I decided to open up to about all this, and everything I said it seemed she either expressed empathy or related- to my narc.  I know it is probably because of her own history and not to take it personal.  And to share less because she does not get it.  But I shared some of the worse stuff and she didn't seem too fazed, and that shook me...maybe I overreacted going NC if my friend seems to think all this behavior is not too bad.
She definitely wants to look like the good guy and I'm the mean person that won't allow contact.  And it worked with the apartment workers that received one round of these packages.  It starts to get to me sometimes.  I guess the crazy packages is just the reminder I needed when I was starting to doubt my choice.  Because I know what you say is true- she was wrong to cross no contact.  Although I doubt she can truly comprehend that in the alternate realities she has created.  She has not done anything to warrant forgiveness- but I suspect she thinks her book report was it.  When I went no contact, I sat her down and told her exactly why.  I did not want any lawn tantrums or wellness checks and this was just the ticket.  I did not slow fade, I blew up the bridge and I am proud I stood up to her like that.  I told her the only way I would ever consider having her in my life again was if she got therapy.  She told me there's nothing wrong with her being herself and I said we are done here.  So she knows but just like all over this board, she will say she doesn't.  And that is maddening.  I have spent SO LONG away and not having to think about her and her stuff.  It feels like I worked through everything only to have it all hit me all over again.  She does use the gifts to warrant the abuse, she has been that way with money my whole life.  She absolutely wants me to feel bad, and not say so.  And is still manipulating as best she can while I am a black hole.  All of this was nail on the head, thank you for validating me.
I realized two things typing this out.  1.  I often feel REALLY bad for her around the holidays.  It was JUST ME in her life- no other kids, no spouse, possibly few friends.  And now when I think of her cackling about the packages and figuring out my address and alllll the fantasies she has regarding this situation I actually think good for her.  She really truly doesn't have much else and if this floats her boat then great.  Not that I'm responsible for her at all- that's a whole 'nother story.  But I do feel bad for her.  2.  I had forgotten what she was REALLY like.  Not having any contact or packages even a few years of it, plus my interaction with my friend I caught myself asking- is she really that bad?  Did I do the right thing?  And your words- and just based on this package scenario! Really brought it home why I did go No Contact and why this was and still is the best decision.  As you all probably know, the packages are just the tip of the ice berg. 

[Kristin_Claire]

Oh yeah.  I forgot to say, one of the food packages she sent the message inside said "From Me".  I felt like I had a stalker. 

[Andeza]

Oh yeah.  I forgot to say, one of the food packages she sent the message inside said "From Me".  I felt like I had a stalker.

You do have a stalker. Just this one happens to be a blood relative. 
Also, that's so totally something uBPDm would say. "From me..." Ugh. I just shuddered in real life. Ugh.

Additionally, abuse amnesia is real. It's to be expected in many cases. Journaling, saving old messages with the "crazy" on full display, those help us tremendously to remember. That which you remember from your past is that which you'll avoid in your future.

[Cat of the Canals]

Andeza took the words right out of my mouth. One package is stalker-y enough, but four in one week?! That's just unhinged. No wonder you're stressed out, Kristin_Claire.

[chowder]

My mother was of the same cloth.  We were NC for a number of years, and one day a letter from her comes in the mail, with my last name purposely misspelled.  I was seven months pregnant, and decided right then and there that absolutely nothing was going to upset me or jeopardize my pregnancy.  So, unopened, I marked it Return to Sender, and off it went.

Later in life, when D passed, he had kept the letter and I did see it.  Turns out it was a letter telling me of an uncle who had passed away two weeks before.  Mother's typical MO - telling me after the fact, so that it's too late to do anything in terms of attending a wake, etc.  She constantly played games with these types of situations.  The fact that she would do this, only solidified my decision as to the reason to go NC with her in the first place.  The letter was amazingly cold and stilted.   It was actually sad to see how she operated.

Before NC, M would send packages for my home.  I'm talking lamps, pillows, etc.  She thought she was the cat's meow, and would brag to her friends about how generous she was.  She was very concerned with what the neighbors thought.   (If they only knew.)   I kept asking her to stop, but she continued to violate boundaries.  I finally told her one day that the next package was getting returned back to the department store.  Only then did she stop - I'm guessing because of the embarrassment factor when the store would call her about it - but continued to play her games with manipulations and smear campaigns.   She would strike out like a little kid when she didn't get her way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Follow your gut and maintain your boundaries, they can be your best friend.