Hospital AGAIN!

[p123]

Well, went to see him last night - first time since the "incident". Hes fine......

Laid down the ground rules going forward (more for myself than him because it'll go in one ear and out the other)

1. If you don't listen to the doctor and follow his recommendations don't call me and tell me you're ill.
2. If you're illness is blown up out of proportion because of anxiety/stress/worry (that you refuse to speak to anyone about) then don't call me.
3. If you're ill because you decided not to spend money to make life easier because you're so tight fisted then same.
4. IF there is a genuine emergency then, yes I will come but only IF I can add anything to situation.

Hes not happy. Can't see what he did wrong this last week. Butt hurt don't you call it in the USA? lol

Hes so thick skinned. I've mentioned his cousin a few times. Worlds biggest FM is his cousin. But Dad is ALWAYS calling him to do stuff for him.
Apparently hes said to Dad "I dont mind helping now and again but, you need to remember I'm only 3 years younger than you".
Dad can't see thats a hint to back off a little - "No hes OK he doesnt mind at all ever". Hmmmm. This will be about 20th person hes pushed away by being like this.

[square]

Good for you, p123.  As you've said, laying down your boundaries is for you, not him (he won't honor them), but it seems like you've solidified your position in your mind.

What you said was very reasonable. It boiled down to "I won't be responsible for your choices" and "I won't be responsible for things I cannot do anything about."

I see a difference in you, you have really changed how you see it.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are a good son, a very good son. People wish they had as good of a son as your father has. He's taken you for granted bigtime.

[p123]

Good for you, p123.  As you've said, laying down your boundaries is for you, not him (he won't honor them), but it seems like you've solidified your position in your mind.

What you said was very reasonable. It boiled down to "I won't be responsible for your choices" and "I won't be responsible for things I cannot do anything about."

I see a difference in you, you have really changed how you see it.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are a good son, a very good son. People wish they had as good of a son as your father has. He's taken you for granted bigtime.

I find it so hard - thanks for the kind words.
Always at the back of my mind I'm thinking I should do more.

Of course, Dad plays on this and knows if he can kick up enough fuss people will come running.
I've realised now - Dad doesnt need me there just because he thinks he does. I've stopped doing that now. I'm not a doctor, gas repair person (had minor leak which was being dealt with but I HAD to be there), banker or any of those things.

I'm clear now - if he chooses to go down a different path then thats his problem. I told him last night I will help him but if he decides to go on his own then hes on his own. I can't justify to my own family bailing him out of his own stupidity all the time.

Interestingly, the health visitor yesterday gave him a quick dementia test. No problems at all. Its just stubborness and stupidity with him.

[p123]

Yes I know I'll never learn. No good deed goes and unpunished....
Stupidly, last night I agreed to call his GP to order some more painkillers for him. I did warn him I was busy with work, they may not be able to do it. Sob story - Oh I'm no good on the phone....

So I called them today. Dead busy at work but I did it. They told me the GP would have a look and call tomorrow.

So Dad calls me 510pm. I've just finished work, wife is at work, I'm feeding my 8 year old. Give me a break. Massive mood "why haven't I called him to tell him whats going on with his tablets". I told him "Did you even phone them then?"

Oh well Dad crack on and do it yourself. I'll never learn....

[square]

It's just a good reminder, that's all.

[lkdrymom]

This brings back so many memories...all not good.  The constant calls, the never-ending trips to the hospital over nothing. You have to set boundaries and stick to them.  All this because they want attention.  Sure they may NOT feel well but not run to the hospital sick.  They turn into little children and want to be fussed over.  My father tried that on me hundreds of times which goes to show you how little he knew me.  I am the last person to fuss over you.  I'm all business and will straighten out a situation but I will not fuss over you while doing it and that is really what they want.  I called the hospital "Club Med" because he loved going there as they all fussed over him.  And they would look at you like you were heartless for not falling for it.  I wanted to scream "Have you not looked at his records and seen he has been here no less than 20 times in the last 6 months over nothing or nearly nothing???"

My father would call me with issues and I would say "exactly what do you expect me to do about this?  You need to talk to your doctor."  All he really wanted was for me to leave work and stand in attendance to him.  I always said I would help him with things he couldn't do, but not things he didn't feel like doing.

[p123]

This brings back so many memories...all not good.  The constant calls, the never-ending trips to the hospital over nothing. You have to set boundaries and stick to them.  All this because they want attention.  Sure they may NOT feel well but not run to the hospital sick.  They turn into little children and want to be fussed over.  My father tried that on me hundreds of times which goes to show you how little he knew me.  I am the last person to fuss over you.  I'm all business and will straighten out a situation but I will not fuss over you while doing it and that is really what they want.  I called the hospital "Club Med" because he loved going there as they all fussed over him.  And they would look at you like you were heartless for not falling for it.  I wanted to scream "Have you not looked at his records and seen he has been here no less than 20 times in the last 6 months over nothing or nearly nothing???"

My father would call me with issues and I would say "exactly what do you expect me to do about this?  You need to talk to your doctor."  All he really wanted was for me to leave work and stand in attendance to him.  I always said I would help him with things he couldn't do, but not things he didn't feel like doing.

Wow that is 1000% EXACTLY like I've got.....

I've had calls from nurses from the wards in the past, having a go at me because I won't visit when its the 10th admission in the last 5-6 weeks. I think "LOOK AT HIS RECORDS!"

My wife is a nurse. She had it from him 10000x worse. He'd speak to the consultant and then ask my wife if she agreed - she got well sick of that one.

[p123]

Well its been a week since DEFCON5 where it was the end of the world, he was in so much pain, and everyone had to be there to help him.

He got his painkillers from the doc, already hes saying "can't take these all the time I need to stop next week".

Totally forgot about me blowing up last week and telling him if he doesn't listen to the doctor then I'm not helping him. "But Im managing now". Yes until every single phone call starts with the immortal phrase "Oh not so good, I'm in such pain with my knees". Every single phone call for the past year a least.

As you can see, its not that bad he just loves moaning but most of all he loves getting people to run around for him.

[square]

You don't need to make him take the meds - his choice.

It's just your behavior you control, not rescuing him.

[Andeza]

When you call, don't even ask how he is. Open with the weather or sports or whatever is a "safe" more neutral topic for you. Asking how he is, or how his week is going is like opening the door for the moaning.

[bee well]

Hi p123,

Glad to see you've set the ground rules, for you. He won't get it, but reinforcing your boundaries, even if you do it over and over, is about keeping you in a grounded position. You are taking care of your family.

You are helping to manage his problems, but you can't solve them. I'd say he's fortunate to have people who continue to step in on his behalf.

I find it particularly frustrating when things are haywire, then hear, seemingly with no transition of things getting better, that everything is ok now, and we hear "I'm managing" or whatever variation of that.

Yesterday asked about MILs tests and she was all cheery, like it was nothing, all ok, after she could barely speak last time. This time she was in busy mode, made it a point to say how she was balancing phone on ear as she cooked. (She doesn't like that we don't answer the phone especially when it's lunch or dinner time, yet she rarely ever calls or answers outside of mealtime.)

The fact that she changes register in that way gives me the impression she knows what she is doing. In any case, it really doesn't matter if she does it consciously or not, that's the pattern, and the mood swings are a source of anxiety for me and DH.

What I am getting at is that the unpredictability of it all makes it very challenging. It's the "walking on eggshells." I never understood that until fairly recently.

I cannot overemphasize how much I agree with Andeza here:
"When you call, don't even ask how he is. Open with the weather or sports or whatever is a "safe" more neutral topic for you. Asking how he is, or how his week is going is like opening the door for the moaning."

Now when we speak to MIL, if we cannot avoid other discussions,  at most we ask, "what did you do today"? "what are you having for lunch?" or something like that. (It doesn't always work, but that way, there is a chance she will tire herself out with mundane talk before launching into crisis mode.) Whenever we ask how she is, as Andeza suggests, she usually takes it as an open invitation to unload.  And whenever possibile, we use speaker phone. That way we know when she is being selective about how she solicits one or the other of us. That has helped us to avoid many discussions in which we attempt to interpret MIL.

[1footouttadefog]

Yikes, Sorry you are going through this.  I am sure those calls are miserable to navigate. It's too sad he spends your time in this way, trying to manipulate you emotionally etc. instead of actually visiting with you.  FOG fear, obligation and guilt are all being employed.  He is a fog machine. 


Just a though I am tossing out. 

When I was young I did alot of nursing home ministry.  I noticed that the residents compete with each other like small children.  It becomes a big deal as to who is getting visits.  They examine each other's belongings and even steal items from each other.  Flashlights are a thing for them. 

I imagine that elderly people living in a neighborhood might set up the same dynamic of competing. Perhaps subscribing to a snack box service or fruit of the month, or something silly like that would take the edge off as he would have something tangible for the game proving he matters. 

[p123]

Yikes, Sorry you are going through this.  I am sure those calls are miserable to navigate. It's too sad he spends your time in this way, trying to manipulate you emotionally etc. instead of actually visiting with you.  FOG fear, obligation and guilt are all being employed.  He is a fog machine. 


Just a though I am tossing out. 

When I was young I did alot of nursing home ministry.  I noticed that the residents compete with each other like small children.  It becomes a big deal as to who is getting visits.  They examine each other's belongings and even steal items from each other.  Flashlights are a thing for them. 

I imagine that elderly people living in a neighborhood might set up the same dynamic of competing. Perhaps subscribing to a snack box service or fruit of the month, or something silly like that would take the edge off as he would have something tangible for the game proving he matters.

I know what you mean. To Dad sometimes its a tick box exercise.... The calls are getting shorted (suits me!). Its almost as if "Son phoned 2/3 times this week - PASS".
I know Dad does compete with his friends - its considered shameful to him and his friends if you're kids don't run around after you. Its crazy.

Hes off his painkillers completely now. "Don't want to keep taking them". Oh well up to you.... First sentence last nights phone call "Oh my knees are bad...".
"Dad don't you even dare pull that one again".

I did speak to Social Services last week (these are the people in the UK who arrange care at home, modifications etc IF YOU NEED IT). They called me back, they'd spoken to the hospital too. Like the GP, hospital, emergency services they were pretty much "Ummm he doesn't need anything at all".