Ex is acting fine?

[HadleyBird]

Hi all - I appreciate you jumping into the conversation. When I'm thinking clearly & wisely, I KNOW that it's time for me to move on & let go & learn & heal. I have moments when I feel really good about this - confident in that decision!

And then I have other moments when I feel so so sad for my ex who is going through such a hard time. I KNOW there is nothing I can do to help or fix or caretake...I get that. Maybe on some levels I feel unduly selfish?...like I'm abandoning her...even though she abandoned me...??? This doesn't even make sense as I type it out, but that's how it feels in some moments. My head knows what's right - my heart mostly knows what's right - but I still get this pull deep down at times.

Ugh this sucks.

[losingmyself]

Completely normal..
Read books, follow podcasts, learn learn learn. The  more you know, the better you'll feel. Just know that it takes time. Ask here, people understand..

[moglow]

HadleyBird it sounds like you have compassion for her and here's no harm or shame in that. Be sure to apply the same to yourself and your own well being. It can suck you dry and leave you flat if you don't.

I am curious - how long were you together before this sudden change? I can see where the moving in and commitment could tip a person and "ohmygoodness what have I done and am I ready for this???" kind of panic, then she scrambles to make it all make sense. I just didn't know if this was a longterm relationship where she just lost it, maybe there'd been little signs that didn't come together somehow until it fell apart.

[escapingman]

Maybe on some levels I feel unduly selfish?...like I'm abandoning her...even though she abandoned me...??? This doesn't even make sense as I type it out, but that's how it feels in some moments. My head knows what's right - my heart mostly knows what's right - but I still get this pull deep down at times.

I understand exactly how you feel. When I started my process of divorcing my uNPDw it felt like I was abandoning why own child. I still have some guilt for abandoning her, thus despite how badly she has been treating me. It was me that initiated the divorce, but it was her that discarded me and she would have been happy staying married to me for the rest of our lives and kept me in discard for all of that time. As long as we serve some purpose for them they will keep us, my uNPDw wanted to keep me for the residual benefits and also to have someone to dump her bad feelings on. In your case, I am sure your dBPDx (uNPDx??) will keep you close by and use you as supply and emotional dumping ground if she can. As others has said, don't be surprised if a hoover would come along, you get back in to the relationship just for her to devalue you and eventually discard you again, and keep doing it as long as you allow for it.

Good luck and educate yourself, there are so much information out there now.

[HadleyBird]

I am curious - how long were you together before this sudden change? I can see where the moving in and commitment could tip a person and "ohmygoodness what have I done and am I ready for this???" kind of panic, then she scrambles to make it all make sense.

Hi moglow - we were together about 1 year, so not long. My counselor is helping me think back through things, and the only thing I can think of is maybe 4-5 months into the relationship she would get short/snippy with me every so often. It was never anything mean, never a big reaction...just some passive aggressive behavior. Sometimes I called it out, sometimes I let it slide - we pick & choose our battles, right?

The day before things ended with us, she had a huge life stressor - and I'm guessing that triggered a big protection effort. She pushed me, her 3 best friends, and her family away. We were all caught off guard.

[HadleyBird]

Struggling today.

I'm hearing all the words she said, hearing all the blame she put on me (she took some of the blame at first, but in later weeks/conversations the blame shifted to me time after time). She's so smart - knows what to say. Knows what she *should* say.

I can't help but think "maybe Im making this narrative fit with BPD symptoms so that I feel better. Maybe she really ISNT experiencing BPD symptoms like she says."

Anyone else go through this?

[escapingman]

A PF would use anything they have in their favour. Has she been diagnosed as BPD she will use that to her favour. My uNPDx is anorexic and is using that against me, like I am refusing her food and I make ger nervous so she can't eat - all made up to fit her story of course.

[HadleyBird]

Yeah, she has had her bpd symptoms well managed for the entire time I've known her , up until recently.

My therapist (by chance) is a BPD specialist - most of her clients have BPD. She says my ex's behaviors are in line with what she would expect with BPD behavior. So that helps, but it still so confusing. She is SO CONVINCING - so much so that I'm questioning myself. My own sanity.

[justducky]

 

You're grieving and in pain and trying to make sense of things. It'll take a while to come out the other side.

Years ago I was also unceremoniously dumped by my flea-infested or uPD ex. (His mother was likely uBPD. He was her psuedo-spouse before he got away from her. Serious stuff.) I also worked hard to try to figure him out, wondered how much was my fault, etc. Thankfully I was already in therapy due to uPD father and en (maybe uPD)Mom. While that helped, the whole experience still sucked.

At the end of the day, do you want a partner who'll pull this stuff with you? To unilaterally decide "Whelp, I'm done. Bye!" and give you blame-shifting reasons why?

Even though it's excruciatingly hard, please try to accept that it happened and you can't change it. Understanding why she did what she did won't change it.

Continue self-care. Give yourself the grace and compassion you do for your ex and others in your life. You deserve it too.

Step by step you'll get through this. 

[HadleyBird]

At the end of the day, do you want a partner who'll pull this stuff with you? To unilaterally decide "Whelp, I'm done. Bye!" and give you blame-shifting reasons why?

Of course not. I know this. I don't want to be back with her. What I'm struggling with right now is confidence in my own perception of what happened. She is so convincing when she tells me she's not in an episode - she's not experiencing symptoms that I find myself doubting my own experience. I'm trying to learn from this experience - and analyze what part I played, how i didn't communicate well, how I can grow, what I want to do differently in the future.

I want a partner that I can feel safe & stable with. And also, currently, I want to look at my part in this relationship ending.

[moglow]

She is so convincing when she tells me she's not in an episode - she's not experiencing symptoms that I find myself doubting my own experience.

I'll be blunt: She may not just be convincing to you, but actually be convinced herself. This may not be "an episode" but her core thinking and she's doing what she knows rather than thinking it all the way through to the obvious conclusion. What she's experiencing doesn't change the outcome - she very abruptly and for no apparent reason, with no allowance for discussion or explanation, ended your relationship.

"It's sudden but not impulsive" I think she said? Okay, so she'd thought it out. It seemed sudden to you because she admittedly didn't forewarn your or adequately explain her reasoning. She dug around and concocted issues, shaped the facts to fit her chosen narrative. That's not a stable thought process. It appears impulsive, regardless of what she's saying.

In your conversation since, has she provided yet more justifications for her actions? Reasons you can't be together? Were/are you being blindsided with any number of explanations that still don't jell? That's not your stuff, HB, it's hers. She made this decision and I doubt seriously anything you did/didn't do played a role in that.

[moglow]

Beating a dead horse here but something just wasn't connecting for me, then I reread this from your first post:

... I knew she had BPD, she was up front about it – she went to therapy, took several medications, ate well, exercised, prioritized sleep – she worked hard to manage her symptoms.

To me, managing and/or masking symptoms isn't recovery. Recovery in this situation requires active participation, learning to stop and think through responses rather than reacting to the ever-changing situations around us every day. To me this all seems a reaction to her inner stresses and complete contradiction to what she's saying. It's impulsivity. Plus she may not be "just" BPD, there may be other issues crowding around, weaving through. It's actually very common to have BPD / co-morbid with other issues whether acknowledged or diagnosed.

I can see where she wouldn't want you talking to her family and friends. She may be telling them a whole other story to justify and explain this away without it being all her own doing. I'm not saying she's outright lying about you/it, but I guarantee she's not telling the whole truth there either. You may see and hear all kinds of things in the months ahead, some may suddenly make sense where others just blindside you all over again. Still: Not your stuff. You didn't cause it, can't control it and certainly can't cure it.

[HadleyBird]

Thanks all. I'm really trying.

Would love to hear about what works for you in moving on? ....actually, I think I'll start a new topic on it. Might help some other folks too.