Ex is acting fine?

[HadleyBird]

My ex has BPD (in therapy, medicated, takes care of herself). She recently ended things with me (see my previous post for the awful details). Everyone says she seems....fine. How is she fine? She just went through a giant trauma PLUS ending a really good relationship. It is baffling to me that she can just move on and be ok. No tears, little emotion, just a happy mask. 

[square]

Well, you said it. It's a mask.

Whether the pain is right under the surface or locked way deep down, the very fact that she is not appearing like any other person who has just had a close relationship end shows you how difficult it is for her to cope with the normal rituals of grieving.

It appears you have been "discarded." It hurts (and almost always it is specifically meant to hurt, as well as be an extreme shield). It is not the behavior of a non-disordered person.

[HadleyBird]

 

Thanks for your reply, Square.

[losingmyself]

Square is right. It has nothing to do with you. She also acted 'fine' while you were together, when clearly she was not.  The place you want to get to is indifference. It's a long road, but you'll get there. Focus on yourself. That's who should matter most to you.

[falsebalance2]

Sometimes I wonder if Hollywood is crawling with PDs.

PDs seem to be so good at acting - and they believe their own version of reality.

My only warning would be to expect a hoover. When updh (stbx) broke up with me many many years ago to punish me for thinking of getting a great job - He went about acting as if life was amazing and his family even said they had never seen him so happy.

After a month of him doing anything he wanted (even watched him making out with someone)- he came back and said he wanted to take things slow and see if we could work on us but start over as friends. Naive and heartbroken I said I didn't want that - either we got serious and moved and grew up (both just graduated) or we go our separate ways.

It is hard because we are left to speculate because they are liars (simply put)

The more I simplify the behavior and quit asking myself why they do what they do - it helps me not care. Like Square said - That's not how a healthy person would process your situation.

I also think she thinks walking about so unaffected and happy makes her look like she was in the bad situation with you so now she is 'happy.' Whatever the reasoning, she has a role decided in her head and she isn't giving you a copy of the script. It makes her feel powerful.

So don't try to find her page. Stay on your own. I think people do side with PDs (for a season) because they are selling a sitcom or romcom or Hallmark movie - and we are exposing reality and grief and growth...and that there are these people amongst us). Some people appreciate the truth and want to see you grow. Stay around them as much as you can and understand some people only want the Hallmark channel (Or gossip rags).

But I think it is possible he knew I was perfect supply but he took a month 'off' in order to rearange ME. And he enjoyed his vacation and being able to cheat without judgement and then he came back when he was ready to go again - and he told me years later that I made him angry when I gave my ultimatum and it made him feel like I took control(?!)

Living in such a large place for the last 8 years I think it is possible he would just go to another suburb any time he needed a break and I would never know...without having to break up to enjoy it. He would pick a fight and leave for a weekend or a week and then come back.

Anyway - it may hurt but I wouldn't try to figure out what is going on in her head - I think it is all about their reputation and their role.

I like to think of it like you dated or married a celebrity (because in their mind they are) and they are going to manage their PR and image and sell something to the public.

If you stay authentic - you may not come out on top in public opinion - But public opinion is fickle. Eventually people forget and or move on to the next spectacle - and your ex will forever struggle to stay relevant.

If in her mind that means getting you back or making you come back for her...She will be knocking on your door (or texting or calling or writing you) with a new script. And once she gets the supply she was after she can drop you immediately - and you'll be reeling with grief.

She needs you and everyone else to be supporting role so she can be the star.

The less I try to explain my stbx's motives to myself and just say 'wow - that isn't how I define healthy. That isn't someone I want to be like nor be around,' I feel better and am able to focus on my own pain and healing that needs to occur.

[moglow]

Square is right. It has nothing to do with you. She also acted 'fine' while you were together, when clearly she was not.

So in spite of therapy, meds, support system around her, ultimately she's still hiding from herself. That sense of shame with the [potential?] job loss started a snowball where she felt she had no choice but to mow everything down. All or nothing thinking is my guess, so she gets to start fresh if only in her own mind. If she removes the witnesses to her "shame," it can't be brought up later - and in the meantime she points fingers at them and their supposed issues.

She's not where she's able to sustain a relationship. She's still checking up on others to see where she can pinpoint some way they've let her down, rather than being accountable to and for herself.

[HadleyBird]

If you stay authentic - you may not come out on top in public opinion - But public opinion is fickle. Eventually people forget and or move on to the next spectacle - and your ex will forever struggle to stay relevant.

So interesting you say this!! In our long, circular, contradictory conversation the other day, she asked me to knot respond to her family members if they reach out to me. She said they were questioning her behaviors and her decisions and they drove her to a breaking point. Shes upset that they are comforting me, are checking in on me. She has chosen to not tell any of them any details about our breakup so far, and they have told her she made an impulsive decision. She said, I need them to see ME, I need them to hear ME, I need them to believe ME. They are MY family.

She is trying to control the narrative & keep up her appearance of having it all together. I haven't told her family anything about the breakup because it's not my place. But when they check in on me, I'm I'm honest with them & tell them I'm confused & sad.

In that same conversation she said she is doing great, and everyone is expecting her to not be doing great because that's what has happened in the past.

I have a lot of empathy for what she's experiencing - it sounds painful. And at the same time, it's not my worry anymore because she has cut me out.

Ugh- this is hard.

[HadleyBird]

Square is right. It has nothing to do with you. She also acted 'fine' while you were together, when clearly she was not.

You're right. She did act fine. And now all of a sudden these reasons for breaking  up are things that happened MONTHS ago ...which she says they weren't a big deal at the time because our relationship ship was "so good," but all of a sudden, due to a gut feeling, she knows we shouldn't be together.

It's baffling. 

[HadleyBird]

Square is right. It has nothing to do with you. She also acted 'fine' while you were together, when clearly she was not.

So in spite of therapy, meds, support system around her, ultimately she's still hiding from herself. That sense of shame with the [potential?] job loss started a snowball where she felt she had no choice but to mow everything down. All or nothing thinking is my guess, so she gets to start fresh if only in her own mind. If she removes the witnesses to her "shame," it can't be brought up later - and in the meantime she points fingers at them and their supposed issues.

She's not where she's able to sustain a relationship. She's still checking up on others to see where she can pinpoint some way they've let her down, rather than being accountable to and for herself.

Hi moglow,

Thanks for responding. This feels really insightful, thank you. She is honestly SO CONVINCING when I talk to her. She looks me dead in the eyes & says she is honestly doing really well and she is happy (which then makes me cry because it feels like a cruel thing to say when you know the person sitting across from you is crushed). She has her friends convinced she is doing fine (although her 3 closest friends aren't so sure). She even told me that both her psychiatrist and psychologist told her she's not in the black/white thinking. She's not experiencing BPD symptoms. ???????

How do I know she truly isn't fine? That's what my gut tells me based on her behavior - but sometimes I want to believe her.

Will she ever realize what has happened?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

From my experience, No she probably won't ever realize.

Its seems like you have been discarded, which is very confusing and feels awful.

As many of the videos I watch explain (especially Dr. Ramini on you tube) consider the discard a blessing. You've dodged a bullet even though it's painful.

[HadleyBird]

From my experience, No she probably won't ever realize.

Its seems like you have been discarded, which is very confusing and feels awful.

As many of the videos I watch explain (especially Dr. Ramini on you tube) consider the discard a blessing. You've dodged a bullet even though it's painful.

Her family member told me he was so disappointed she was acting this way - that he thought I was the best thing to ever happen to her, and he'll forever be disappointed. BPD is such a heartbreaking disorder 

[square]

Keep in mind, her psych may or may not have even said that.

They may have said nothing of the kind, or they said something that your ex inflated (like she said something in therapy and they said "that's very good that you are seeing the nuance here, rather than taking a black and white view").

But one observation I've made is that therapists have a much different (and very limited) view of BPD symptoms. Therapists are looking at macro behaviors. The biggest thing they are looking for is self harm, cutting, suicide threats and attempts, and extremely chaotic behavior of the sort that lands people in the hospital and/or jail.

If a therapist sees any reduction here, they feel like therapy has worked. Keeping their patients stable enough to not need to be hospitalized is the big goal.

They don't really know or see anything else. A BPD could be tornadoing their relationships but if they show up to appointments regularly and aren't in a sobbing ball in the floor with fresh cuts on their arms and a new police report, the therapist thinks they are looking nicely stabilized.

[HadleyBird]

That makes sense.

I can imagine that if she's trying to control the narrative with me, her friends, her family...she might also trying to control the narrative with her healthcare team. And after years with the same psychiatrist and psychologist, you might even know what they want to hear....

I just remembered one thing from the other night that was odd. I dropped some things off at her house that I still had. She said she had a boundary of not wanting me to go inside her house. I was fine with that. She reiterated that it was going to rain soon, and she didn't want to be inside. She was acting weird about that so I asked if there was something inside she didn't want me to see...and she said she just had a boundary. When she was telling me how well she was doing, she said she was keeping her house clean, keeping up with the laundry, etc (tasks which she normally has a hard time staying on top of). I wonder if her house was a mess & she didn't want me to see it because it might ruin the picture she was painting for me.

[moglow]

"She just had a boundary" - wth does that even mean?? She doesn't want you to come in? Fine. Don't go in, do whatever business is needed and leave.

At this point, I'd make sure everything obvious has been returned, mail anything that pops up later. Dont go there, don't ask to see her, stop asking about or listening to updates about her etc. Find whatever separation works for you and just do it.  She wants it over? Done. That doesn't mean she gets to crook her little finger when she's bored, scared, lonely etc. You're GONE. Honoring her very clear wishes without further explanation or apology.

[moglow]

I know my post above sounds harsh, but seriously. She text you at work to tell you it was over, couldn't wait to sit down and talk with you. You LIVED together, this wasn't half a dozen dates where there's no harm no foul and you both just move on. She claims you lied to her over something that has nothing to do with anything-information she went looking for - and then claimed she couldn't trust you. "It was sudden but not impulsive." I can't help but think this is a load of excuses she's making up as she goes along.

HB, this sounds like an adult who's flipping and flopping all over the place like a fish loose in a boat. You can't trust *her* mainly because she has no idea what she's doing or where she's going. She's "fine"? Doubtful. She spun up out of control and is trying to pretend until everything settles down again. She's coping, that doesn't mean she's "fine" and as mentioned previously her psychiatrist and psychologist likely said nothing even close to what she told you. Or maybe they did. And? She still made decisions based on the emotion or panic of a moment.

She needs to focus on her care, not her romantic relationships. At the same time you don't need your relationship to be contingent on her seeking and sustaining said care.  That has to be all about and for her and her well being. If she's doing it for you or anyone else it's a bandaid that can be ripped off at any moment.

I know you were blindsided by this and are trying to figure it out. I'd be willing to bet you'll never have the right answers, the ones that make sense or will come anywhere close to making this okay.

[HadleyBird]

Hi moglow,

It's not harsh. Your reaction echoes that of my family members, my friends...everyone. It helps me see it for what it really is.

...when I asked her why she chose to text me, she said it was because she tried to talk to me about breaking up, but she failed every time. So she sent it via text - she said "I truly think you needed to see it in writing." Even though I asked her point blank 3 times if she wanted to break up, and every time she said "I don't know." ...I was literally walking out the door with a packed bag one night, and she said "no wait, that's not what I want!" I gave her plenty of chances to say what she wanted. She said that every time she talked to me, she would change her mind - but then when she was alone, she'd think , "wait, that's not what I want - I don't want to be in this relationship."  SO confusing.

The "It was sudden but not impulsive" line really got me. I almost laughed at her when she said it - I was already crying, but when she said that I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and laugh.

You're not the first person to say it sounded like she was making things up as the conversations went along. We went in circle after circle.

I know in my gut that she's not fine. My intuition tells me she desperately wants to be fine, wants others to think she's fine, and she's afraid of not being fine again. She's afraid of what that might mean, how she might come off...now that she's worked so hard to build a community of people around her who love her.I wonder if she is feeling anxious about the thought of other people (who love her dearly) possibly seeing her not put together, needing help, needing support. She has always been very adamant that she is independent and can do things on her own - she has never liked being made to feel like she needs help or support - she does not like to be treated like she is incapable. I wonder if that is a factor here.

[HadleyBird]

I will also mention - she is SO CONVINCING. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you find yourself believing all the things they say in the moment, and then once you leave, you're like, "wait, what just happened? I feel kind of manipulated..."

[moglow]

Yes - my mother did that. Talk me in circles until I didn't even know which end was up. Convoluted circular conversations that went on and on, with no apparent goal or end anywhere in sight. She'd get it all out and seemingly feel better for the moment while my head was exploding. In a day or two, or sometimes several hours later, she'd call back with more of the same. She'd get to thinking about what was said or the way I said it or what if I had said this instead of that and wind herself right back up into a frenzy. Something or nothing could set her off. She many times told me about things I said or did that I have no memory of whatsoever - and she was adamant that's the way it went down. Manipulation indeed.

Mother is also deeply insecure and untrusting. Her accusations of others are literally things she's said and done - so maybe she assumes that's normal? No idea. I just know it's exhausting, walking on the edge of cliffs.

[falsebalance2]

Yessss!

Every response in this thread!

Better now honestly then you waking up her being the mother of your precious children and having you and them as supply for a lifetime.

Tht's what is happening to me.

as painful as it is  - be blessed by the discard and I agree with Moglow. BYE BYE!!!

Her family is also likely aware she is off and wanted you in the picture to help stabalize her. So I wouldn't stay too close to them - they'll help hoover because they love her and saw you could care-take and love her.

Ironically it sounds she was a little jealous her parents approved of you so much. So now she will likely try to trash you.

[escapingman]

 

As hard as it feels now, being discarded is the best thing that could have happened to you. I wish I would have been discarded years ago, however painful that would have been, but instead I had to learn the truth and in the end escape the relationship.

Good luck and keep strong!